bmychelle

I am on my second reading of Codependent No More, what an amazing book this is. I am finally starting to see what has happened in my life, what is happening and hopefully what I can expect if I work at my own issues instead of ABF's or anyone elses issues.

Here's the thing, I have been sooo stressed for a long time because as I mentioned before there are several addicts in my life. I work in a small family business and have been there for eight years. My immediate supervisor is the son of the owner with major pill/alcohol issues. He is highly incompetent because of this and yet has a sense of entitlement from those around him. He is not the only one and one of his biggest suppliers is a coworker. These people, and a couple of others spend more time in the bathroom snorting pills and on the phone getting them than they actually do working.

I spend the majority of my time doing my job and his. He has been on a big binge for the last couple of days, and was too messed up to even come to work at all yesterday. While I had customers lined up out the door, trying to take care of this business, HIS business,(for which I see no extra compensation) he was calling to scream at me. Called me the dreaded "c" word, and told me to "f" myself repeatedly, and wanted to know who the "f" I thought I was, running HIS business. As a matter of fact, he actually called 24 times to do this!! I actually had to take the business phone off the hook for about an hour.

I asked his Dad if he had heard how his son spoke to me(because he was home at the time of the calls) and he said yes, he did..."He is just very jealous of you because he knows how much I rely on you" That is supposed to make me feel better? Make it okay? I am far from the first person to be abused by this guy. Usually, once he sobers up a little (he's ALWAYS on something though) He apologizes to any he has offended and asks forgiveness. When it comes to me, he usually apologizes for not coming to work, or for making a scene and thanks me for picking up his slack.

I am beside myself that he has now crossed this line with me. I absolutely cannot tolerate being spoken to in that manner! I fully intend on telling him this the next time he can squeeze work into his schedule. I am seeing how so many of us at work are seriously codependent. It's not just me. We try to fix all his mess ups, cover for him, and tell him, it's okay...we forgive you blah, blah, blah.

How can I possibly do that again? I can't. In this situation I feel like I now know more than I want to(since coming here and doing LOTS of reading). It is causing me distress that I am going to have to enforce boundaries with my boss. I know that the expectation I have of being properly treated at work, most especially when I go above and beyond is not asking too much. I truly do enjoy where I work, my customers are amazing people and I have been able to support myself and my daughter exclusively with my income from being there.

I am worried about how to handle this. I KNOW that he probably won't even remember what has happened because he usually does black out. I have shared on a daily basis with his dad what I am learning from SR and the book in regards to handling my relationship with my ABF. He agrees that WE have been enabling these guys, that "tough love" is hard, but needs to be implemented.

I am just so frustrated because for a long time I had no respite from the craziness...no peace at home, no peace at work. Finally have peace at home because ABF is still in jail, am working on my issues and now the disease and all the circumstances that come with it are escalating at work.

If anyone has ever encountered this kind of thing at work, I would really LOVE to know an effective way of handling it. How do you lay down boundaries with your boss? Btw, there are NO jobs in this area right now, so leaving there is not an option for me right now. :praying

outtolunch

So, you report to a verbally abusive jerk who happens to be an addict and the son of the owner.

Dad, the owner of the family business, lives on the river Denial. No doubt, he will choose his son over you. Blood is thicker than water.

There are no other jobs in the area.

Quitting a job usually disqualifies you from unemployment benefits, assuming you qualified in the first place.

Filing a harassment claim may or may not be practical, especially if this is a small business.

You cannot reason with a drunk or an addict. You can put boundaries in place that you will not tolerate verbal abuse or you will walk. That does not sound like a practical option, given the economy.

Sounds like the only thing you can reasonably do is manage your own reaction. Your supevisor's verbal abuse says all that can be said about him and has absolutely nothing to do with you. You know this, don't you.

Why allow his words to impact you? I mean, after all, they are nothing more than 4 independent sounds strung together....only you can give them power to hurt or stress you, or not.

winnie12

I'm in management in my office and I will not allow anyone to yell at my staff nor will i be yelled at by anyone - that goes for clients as well. the bottom line is that should not be a part of any job. Like anything you have to take a stand on your boundaries, determine what consequences you can handle are, and then enforce them.

From a business standpoint this is what i would recommend.
1. Get your thoughts down on paper along with several exact situations - never talk in abstracts when you're speaking to an employer - you have to speak in facts. Generalizations dont work well.
2. Determine what your boundaries are. if it irks you that the son can come and go as he pleases - well there's not much you can say about that - his job has his rules and if they allow it then that's a no win. You can only address things that directly affect you.
3. make an attempt (even though it probably may fail) to tell the son what your boundaries are - you have to tell him straight out.
4. when that doesnt work you take your examples and your boundaries and you speak to your boss. Bottom line is (1) it may never change and you'll have to decide if any job is worth that and (2) you could risk your job. But staying in a job that is abusive to me is not acceptable - i'd have to be paid a ton of money to think it was worth it to put up with that.

If your employer values you as an employee and has any knowledge at all about work place harrasment he will stop this behavior. If you enforce your boundaries and get fired then talk to a lawyer becuase this really sounds like it could be work place harrassment. If you decide to quit talk to a lawyer first. If you quit because of harrassment you should be able to get unemployment and you may still have a claim against them.

devastated

Hello, my, my, my, don't they have laws in Florida about abuse in the work place? In California people get sued right and left for treating an employee in an abusive manner.

I would not tolerate this type of disrespect and I would not cover for him. Although sounds like you do tell his Dad, so you're not hiding this fact from him.

Wouldn't this now be his father's job to get him in line for fear you may go to the labor commission with your complaints?

If all fails, maybe you should give him one quick tap along side the head, and claim it was an accident!!

I hate disrespect and how dare he use that word!!!

Wish I lived closer I'd send "no-neck" after him.

Hugs, Devastated

peaceteach

I think Outtolunch has a great solution for the present. How you let his words affect you IS within your power, even when all the other circumstances are not. I agree, the economy right now is not a great time to be jobless or to endanger your position, but it doesn't mean you can't have some applications out there anyway. I agree that blood is pretty thick in a family business, so tread lightly with the dad, but I wonder if he would be more receptive if several of you non-family employees asked for a private conversation with dad? Or is son the real boss now in the business?

If son is the real boss now, I'd definitely be looking for another job. He will wind up running the business into the ground with addict behavior, you know.

bmychelle

I Know outtolunch is right...yes, I do know that my reaction is all that I can control. I was just really angry, and was nervously anticipating what would happen today at work. I guess I just want to see change, because I want change, lol. I keep reading that if nothing changes, nothing changes and it is having an impact on me.
Nothing is really going to change at my job. It is disfunction junction. I will not be leaving any time soon....I am grateful to have a job at this point. I know many people that do not. I do go to school and hopefully the degree I am working on will be my ticket out of there at some point.
Winnie, I wish those methods were realistic in this situation, however they are not. This is the epitome of mom & pop... Peaceteach, nah, he isn't the real boss, his daddy just lets him thinks he is sometimes. Not sure what motivates him, but he is constantly rescuing him. I don't think I mentioned that the son is 40 years old and still living with mom and dad too.
Devastated, Muah! I dig your sense of humor and I actually do fantasize about stuff like that sometimes.