TakingCharge999

Hi friends

I cannot believe how many feelings are bottled in the same day, how many surreal moments I face with coworkers and roomies and strangers all alike.

I will save you the story but I trusted someone that I should not have and he stole some money and my work's cellphone..I feel like such an idiot, I trusted too much.

And now I remember you and think..am I going to beat myself over this for weeks... or am I going to try and relax from the stress of the last YEAR knowing that it all comes down to money? I am angry with myself and angry because the company may ask me to pay for it, and here I am working my @ss off so I can pay someone else's calls to Barcelona.

I just feel so vulnerable and lost right now that anything makes me feel down. But maybe it is a test as well and see if I will treat myself like dirt or if I will listen to a more loving voice of compassion and acceptance, of surrender. I choose the latter. Hopefully, I will avoid this potential crisis.

When did life started to get so damn complicated? Its like I am living little stories every day.

BTW today my exAH was laughing A LOT with his friends just infront of me.. and it got me as if it was DAY 1. Today I went away so I would not listen and then got scolded by the boss because I was not at my place when I was doing something more or less important. When he was laughing again by the end of the day I just left. With a knot in my stomach that is eating me inside!! MAN I hate his voice and his laughter. I just cannot stand it. I need to find a way out, but I am pretty stuck. I actually like my job so leaving is not an option right now...

I need to get it all out of my system who do you want me to punch??


Thanks for being out there. Honestly where I am now in life, I do not have anyone that I truly trust but you and your wisdom.

bookwyrm

Why is leaving not an option? Could you not find a similar job in another firm? You say you like your job but you're getting more and more upset working there. Is it a way of keeping tabs on your XA? Of keeping yourself in the drama and in pain? Staying there, the way you are, seems from your posts to be keeping you stuck in the cycle of misery. Nothing changes if nothing changes. It will begin to impact on your health and has already impacted on your work performance. Even if you decide not to move, have a look and see what is out there. Sometimes just having that option there can make the current situation more bearable.

I know that, for me, detaching while he was around was hard but achievable but now that I have minimal contact life is so much better!

TakingCharge999

Hi bookwyrm!
Thanks for your time and suggestions.

When I do not see him life is good. As a song goes "the sun shines back again when you leave...".

I evaluated going back to my city to my old job (I was offered to do so when I left) but the contract for that outsourcer was cancelled and 180 of my past coworkers, many of them friends, are now jobless.

We had some vacants here and I had to pick between my friends, that sucked. So when I want to go away I say hey, this guy helped me move to a secure job and thanks to that motivation I am still employed and not looking, like I would have been if I had not met him.

There was another offer I explored but the compensation was minimal comparing to what I got here. Not to mention I've been here for a few months only and I do not think it is professional to leave that soon, its just not good for my career.

So I already decided I will stay here, my options are more in regards to my attitude, to disassociate this guy I see with the one I met and miss so much. The emotional toll is very high. But I decided my career comes first, I am not going to throw this just because an alcoholic parades around and does stuff I would not do out of respect. If only there was a formula so I can completely dettach from him and focus on my job.

Keeping tabs? Not really. I am doing my best to avoid him and stopped talking to everyone we had in common. Some days we do not interact at all, they are wonderful.

Keeping the drama... well I am just sad you know, of how little I meant and how easy it looks for him now. But I will give this more thought.

I am tired of acting normal when I am dying inside, many times I hear him and I leave or do something to stop listening, I decide I am worth so much more, to keep my own peace, but many times its just too much... yesterday it was one of those times.

One thing is misery and another one is sadness. To me the understanding of the 1step this month is accepting I am powerless, and I DO feel sad and my emotions are overwhelming. And small venues of talking about them do help, like this forum. Slowly and painfully shifting focus on me so the day arrives where I am totally indifferent to him, to the jokes from others aobut our past, to the stress at work...

Bottomline I need to remember who I am, and work my steps with more guidance. Thanks for your suggestions, I will ponder about them today. What you said about drama is very interesting, I for one would like for it all to be my own need of drama and chaos in my life that I can stop any day, and not this very real sadness I feel in my heart.

escape artist

sorry didn't read all the posts, but the alanon slogan came to me that you might be able to use: Fake it til you make it!!!! there are posts all over here about how to "detach". His game is trying to make you feel his pain. Detaching helps us to disengage from being all wrapped up in what he is doing/////the faking it part has to do with your need to "act" like your world couldn't be better....it puts the onus back on him that it is his problem not yours. you will be absolutely amazed at how this works out. stop focusing on his "laugh". Smile and believe your life is MUCH better. as long as he knows he is hurting you, he is going to continue to keep Laughing around his friends much for your pain, you can bet he's right there doing it to get back at you. F*** that. Detach, do whatever you can to pretend it does not matter to you....smile....faking it will eventually become your reality. You CAN do this...you've already proven how well you can put up with crap and pretend everything is ok, by just living with an A.