LostWife

I guess the lesson I learned (yet again although you would think by now I would smarten up) is that I should listen to my gut. I have this uncanny way of knowing when something is going on but am always hesitant to follow my instincts.

He decided to be truthful yesterday morning and he has been using on and off for six months now. I knew something was not right but could not put my finger on it and had no physical proof - until yesterday morning when I found a stray pill in our closet. I don't know what I am feeling right now - hurt, hate, disappointment, anger, sadness that he doesn't care about himself - you name it and I feel it. I can't believe someone could be so selfish and self centered as to keep lying to the people who love and support them.

For some unknown and ridiculous reason, I am not ready to throw him out but I don't think that I am far from that point. I keep holding on because I remember him before his addiction and hope to see that person again. Is this just a pipe dream? I know that even if he gets clean, we will deal with this for the rest of our lives but I want the person back that I married - honest, caring, considerate - not the person I see now.

Thanks for listening. I am glad I found this board if for nothing else but a place I can vent and if I am lucky learn from the people who have been where I am now.

hello-kitty

Hi lostwife. You must have busted him or he wouldn't have come clean. If you hadn't found that pill, he would still be lying to you. He didn't decide to be truthful. He was caught. Big difference.

Unfortunately we can never go back to the way things were before addiction entered our lives - both for the addict and the family members involved. Keep moving forward and doing what you need to do to ensure that no matter what happens, you will survive his addiction. That may mean separating for a while. It may not. Only you can make that call.

But one thing to know for sure is that unless he decides to quit using and get help for his problem, his problem is not going to go away.

Once an addict, always an addict - He will either be active or non-active. In recovery or not in recovery. That is reality. If nothing changes, nothing changes...

hello-kitty

Anvil makes a good point re using for the last 6 mos. I thought the exact same thing when I read his "confession". The nature of addiction is that we are incapable of using on and off. When it comes to addiction, an addict is permanently ON. There is no such thing as recreational use.

LostWife

Thank you both.

Hello-kitty, I know I busted him. I could tell by the look on his face. I just started attending AlAnon meetings and I hope that this helps me see my situation more clearly and gives me the strength and courage to move forward with my life - whether he is in it or not.

Anvilhead, thank you for the eye opener. I sometimes wonder myself why I am still here. I can't explain it but right now, I am not ready to leave. That may be a mistake on my part but only time will tell.

hello-kitty

There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; ...Richard Bach

LostWife

Thank you! That is so true.

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of love and support here.

outtolunch

Do you think some of these emotions might be a result of expectations, of him- that he will do what you want him to do?

He's an addict and what he does has nothing to do with the people who care about him. His intent is to get high, not hurt you.

It is indeed very sad that he does not care enough about himself.

LostWife

Outtolunch - I am sure they are. I can't tell you how many broken promises there have been. Maybe I do expect too much right now - he is an addict. I just wish he would care about himself as much as the rest of us do.

jerect

Lostwife,

I think Anvil and hello-Kitty hit the nail on the head reguarding the six months using...

My AH lied and lied and lied to me about how long he had been using, how much he had been using and how he was paying for his habits... he at one point told me that people at work were giving him these pills ... and I was in such denial that I believed everything he told me. Don't get me wrong, I knew he was an addict and that he had a problem, I just thought his problem was unique.. one that I could fix with enough controling, monitoring, questioning and badgering.. Yep, we all know what that led too..

And thats ok because i felt like you did a year ago.. You don't have to make any kind of decision like that anytime soon except if your life is in immediate danger..

A year ago I could not have imagined leaving my AH.. I'm still with him and right now have no plans to leave him because today, he is clean and working a program.. however, through working my own program.. I'm strong enough that I'm ok with leaving him if I need to or if I feel like this is just not working for me anymore...
I used to struggle with this too... it took me a few painful lessons to learn that my gut is usually right 99.9% of the time. I had to learn to trust myself again in order to be able to trust my gut..

LostWife

It is nice to know that I am not the only one who feels or felt this way. I struggle with the trust issues daily - trusting both him and myself. And like you, my gut proves me right 99% of the time but I think I want so much to believe he is beating this that I don't want to listen to my gut for fear of being right. OK - so maybe it is denial I am going through. I am going to start working my own program and focus on myself and my children.

Chino

That is such a simple statement and yet so profound.

jerect

I could have written that above quote a year ago..

I was in deep denial for a long time about my AH's addiction... I think a lot of it had to do with control and being a rescuer.. I thought I could fix him, make him clean, love him clean.. being in denial about all of this was a way I did not have to give up my codependency..

Working a program has helped me so much in lettting go of all the denial, control, wanting to Play God.. I really struggled with the whole letting go letting God thing for awhile but once I surrendered it my life truly took a positive change, my marriage took a positive change and most importantly my AH took a positive change... none of it happend over night... it started off gradualy and one day I woke up and looked at where I was three months prior and then looked at the present and saw such a huge gap between the two... it was then that I knew this program was working..

Keep the focus on you and your kids and get to those meetings and you will see a difference in you..

LostWife

jerect - Thank you! Hearing your story gives me some hope and the courage to continue in my own program.

winnie12

Trust is something that builds overtime and can be destroyed with one betrayal. It is not a factor of love and just because we're being supportive of their recovery doesnt mean we have to automatically trust them. I find addicts to have very short term memory. They manipulate us by saying if we love them and support them we will trust them but they dont want us to remember the facts that killed the trust in the first place. They want us to walk through life with blinders on. They'll say why dont you trust me - but then when you tell them they claim you're throwing the past in their faces. They just dont want to hear the truth - that they are at fault for destroying the trust we had in them.

LostWife

That is exactly how it is here. You have said exactly what I am going through on a regular basis.

jan123

Mine would constantly say "stop bringing up the past" and I would tell him that as he stands in front of me today to remember that you are the product of your past.

As far as finding evidence, I am a firm believer that "everything will be shown to you, when you are ready to see it". You are being taken care of more than you know, more than any of us really know.

NeedingHelp7

When my AH would say "stop talking about the past!" (the past could mean last weeks relapse). I would say, "it's too bad you're past still seems to be your present."

hello-kitty

lol. Mine would tell me I needed to stay in the present. lmao. He learned that in treatment. Of course he was using at the time. Or had used the day before.. Imagine my surprise when I figured out that addicts will even use what they learn in treatment to manipulate us!

In the end, I decided it really didn't matter what he said. He was a drug addict. His opinion about what I should do didn't mean squat. Him telling me to stay in the present was akin to me telling him he needed to quit using drugs. Opinions are like a-holes. Everybody has one... Even addicts.

LostWife

It never ceases to amaze me. The other thing that seems to happen a lot is when he is using or even thinking about using, the arguments always turn around and start being about what I do or don't do to help get our relationship back to what it used to be!!