How do others handle crisis?
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
How do others handle crisis?
Hi there -- I have been posting here for the past couple of weeks and find it comforting to know (although sad) to know others are in my position. I am having a bit of a time at the moment and could use some advice.
My AH works at a plant in a small town -- everyone knows everyone you know?! My AH and I have not been communicating at all this past few weeks. Anyway, one of his co-workers wives works in my office building. She just came up to me being very sympathetic and wondered if I wanted to talk. It was very uncomfortable as I'm trying to keep home and work separate right now. So now I have jumped to assuming the very worst --that he has lost his job. It's either that or he is telling people there that we are separating (which would be good because then he is admitting it is real). I just would have appreciated him saying it to me first (or is that too much to expect from an addict/alcoholic.
So now, I'm sitting at work having a major panic/anxiety attack and not quite sure what to do -- do others jump to the worst case scenario automatically? The easy thing to do would be to ask the woman why she was asking if I was allright. But I'm scared to -- I am avoiding it because I'm scared it will be the worst case scenario. Do others ever feel like that?
My AH works at a plant in a small town -- everyone knows everyone you know?! My AH and I have not been communicating at all this past few weeks. Anyway, one of his co-workers wives works in my office building. She just came up to me being very sympathetic and wondered if I wanted to talk. It was very uncomfortable as I'm trying to keep home and work separate right now. So now I have jumped to assuming the very worst --that he has lost his job. It's either that or he is telling people there that we are separating (which would be good because then he is admitting it is real). I just would have appreciated him saying it to me first (or is that too much to expect from an addict/alcoholic.
So now, I'm sitting at work having a major panic/anxiety attack and not quite sure what to do -- do others jump to the worst case scenario automatically? The easy thing to do would be to ask the woman why she was asking if I was allright. But I'm scared to -- I am avoiding it because I'm scared it will be the worst case scenario. Do others ever feel like that?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
If I am unable to resolve a question in my mind to where I can keep my rational sane mind going- I confront.
I like to know what's really going on. 9 times out of 10 it is much less bad than what I was imagining - and even if it is bad news I'd rather know than be in the dark flooded with useless anxiety. Once I know I can make a plan of action or a plan of "wait and see, more will be revealed" if that is what's appropriate.
"I'm trying to keep home and work separate right now."
That's all you need to say to a co-worker who is "fishing" for something juicy about you to talk about.
So if you decide to ask her "Why did you ask me that?" and she says something along the lines of your relationship being in crisis you can just say "I'm trying to keep home and work separate right now," and case closed.
good luck - take a deep breath - and remember that the worry is what makes you sick - not the action you take to solve a problem.
And it IS unsettling to have someone come up to you out of the blue and ask "Are you OK?" or "Do you need to talk?"
peace-
B.
I like to know what's really going on. 9 times out of 10 it is much less bad than what I was imagining - and even if it is bad news I'd rather know than be in the dark flooded with useless anxiety. Once I know I can make a plan of action or a plan of "wait and see, more will be revealed" if that is what's appropriate.
"I'm trying to keep home and work separate right now."
That's all you need to say to a co-worker who is "fishing" for something juicy about you to talk about.
So if you decide to ask her "Why did you ask me that?" and she says something along the lines of your relationship being in crisis you can just say "I'm trying to keep home and work separate right now," and case closed.
good luck - take a deep breath - and remember that the worry is what makes you sick - not the action you take to solve a problem.
And it IS unsettling to have someone come up to you out of the blue and ask "Are you OK?" or "Do you need to talk?"
peace-
B.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
What I've done in the past:
take a huge deep breath
recognize that it's no one's business but my own
strive to keep work and home separate by telling people just that "thank you for your concern, I appreciate it, however I'm keeping my work and home life separate"
then, let it go. You can't control what other people think, say or do only the way you react to it
take another deep breath! K.
take a huge deep breath
recognize that it's no one's business but my own
strive to keep work and home separate by telling people just that "thank you for your concern, I appreciate it, however I'm keeping my work and home life separate"
then, let it go. You can't control what other people think, say or do only the way you react to it
take another deep breath! K.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
I've learned that it's best for me and for all involved to not disclose my personal life indiscriminantly. In the past I've let people 'in' who just made matters worse for me. I also make a point to try and get my information from the source instead of an uninvolved party acting as my messenger. A trusted friend would not need to ask, and would know better than to do so... especially in the workplace. jmho-There are discreet ways to show concern for coworker besides confronting them this way.
This is the best reply:
This is the best reply:
"I'm trying to keep home and work separate right now."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: NOVA
Posts: 49
Timetogo,
Avoiding her is too much work; especially in a small town. She may not know anything concrete (rumors) or she could be fishing for information. You really can't control what your AH saids or does, but your not obligated to discuss it furthter.
Wishing your peace within.
Avoiding her is too much work; especially in a small town. She may not know anything concrete (rumors) or she could be fishing for information. You really can't control what your AH saids or does, but your not obligated to discuss it furthter.
Wishing your peace within.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
"I like to know what's really going on. 9 times out of 10 it is much less bad than what I was imagining - and even if it is bad news I'd rather know than be in the dark flooded with useless anxiety. Once I know I can make a plan of action or a plan of "wait and see, more will be revealed" if that is what's appropriate."
Thank you for this Bernadette -- I always avoid and feel it is better not to know but it is such a childish way of thinking. And you are right -- It does create a great deal of "useless anxiety".
thank you all for your responses -- as I have said in previous posts, I am a counsellor and know all the ways to "stay grounded" and "breath". I just often have a harder time applying it to my own life opposed to suggesting it to others lol!
I have sinced emailed my AH and asked the question (confronted) and he has no idea what the woman may have heard. So therefore, my "waiting for the next shoe to drop" mind set is yet again getting the best of me. What a way to live.
Thank you for this Bernadette -- I always avoid and feel it is better not to know but it is such a childish way of thinking. And you are right -- It does create a great deal of "useless anxiety".
thank you all for your responses -- as I have said in previous posts, I am a counsellor and know all the ways to "stay grounded" and "breath". I just often have a harder time applying it to my own life opposed to suggesting it to others lol!
I have sinced emailed my AH and asked the question (confronted) and he has no idea what the woman may have heard. So therefore, my "waiting for the next shoe to drop" mind set is yet again getting the best of me. What a way to live.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Wow -- I'm really pretty amazed that people seem to be so quick to assume the worst about this woman. I mean, from what I actually read in your OP, she just came up and offered you an ear, right? I don't see anything to indicate that there's any reason to believe that she is some kind of vicious and/or nosey gossip or that she tried to twist your arm or manipulate you into telling her things you don't want to tell her. Is there some coded information here that I've missed???? Why is it so impossible to believe that she mght not just be a caring, compassionate person reaching out to someone she thinks might need support?
Now, of course, you certianly don't have to talk to her if you don't want, but let's not get all paranoid about this either!
It's kind of funny -- in Al Anon I hear so many people talk about how part of this "disease" is the shame and the silence it tries to impose on everyone affected by it, but you know, if you don't want to isolate in shame and collude in the silence then you've got to stand up, reach out, and speak the truth to people from whom you might be able to get support.
That doesn't mean that you have to talk to this particular woman --but, to me, all of this paranoia about her motives for reaching out to you is a pretty good indication that you might want to look closely at the reasons why you do or don't want to talk to her and where they're really coming from.
freya
...and BTW, personally, I usually feel cared for and grateful when someone comes up to me and asks me if I'm OK or if I need/want to talk -- not that I always decide to do it, but I do appreciate the concern.
Now, of course, you certianly don't have to talk to her if you don't want, but let's not get all paranoid about this either!
It's kind of funny -- in Al Anon I hear so many people talk about how part of this "disease" is the shame and the silence it tries to impose on everyone affected by it, but you know, if you don't want to isolate in shame and collude in the silence then you've got to stand up, reach out, and speak the truth to people from whom you might be able to get support.
That doesn't mean that you have to talk to this particular woman --but, to me, all of this paranoia about her motives for reaching out to you is a pretty good indication that you might want to look closely at the reasons why you do or don't want to talk to her and where they're really coming from.
freya
...and BTW, personally, I usually feel cared for and grateful when someone comes up to me and asks me if I'm OK or if I need/want to talk -- not that I always decide to do it, but I do appreciate the concern.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
thank you for this freya -- the woman I speak of is actually a very caring and concerned individual (not just a co worker) and has been a friend of my husbands parents (and of ours) for many many years. I do not feel that her intentions were of ill will, I genuinely feel she was caring.
It is one of the "hazards" of living in a smaller community -- I was afraid to know what she knows because I might not know it and that is embarrasing -- not to know something you should about someone you live with. And you are right, I am isolating myself and staying silent and IT IS based around shame and embarassment. I did leave my husband after his fourth dui for a period of time and got an incredible amount of support from people like her and my other coworkers (they are truly like family to me). I do know at the time I decided to reconcile, they did not think it in my best interest but respected my choices. It is THAT that I am embarrassed and shamed by as much as his behaviour (even though I KNOW I can't control his behaviour - but OH how I have tried!). They knew what was best for me even when I didn't and I didn't listen to them. One of my most "things to be worked on" is assuming people will judge me and assuming I know what they are thinking. I try to tell myself that they have no right to judge when they don't fully know. But for some reason, I care what others think about me and have a hard time not thinking what he does has a direct reflection on me and my children.
Thank you for reminding me that this particular woman has nothing but my feelings and best interest in mind.
ttg
It is one of the "hazards" of living in a smaller community -- I was afraid to know what she knows because I might not know it and that is embarrasing -- not to know something you should about someone you live with. And you are right, I am isolating myself and staying silent and IT IS based around shame and embarassment. I did leave my husband after his fourth dui for a period of time and got an incredible amount of support from people like her and my other coworkers (they are truly like family to me). I do know at the time I decided to reconcile, they did not think it in my best interest but respected my choices. It is THAT that I am embarrassed and shamed by as much as his behaviour (even though I KNOW I can't control his behaviour - but OH how I have tried!). They knew what was best for me even when I didn't and I didn't listen to them. One of my most "things to be worked on" is assuming people will judge me and assuming I know what they are thinking. I try to tell myself that they have no right to judge when they don't fully know. But for some reason, I care what others think about me and have a hard time not thinking what he does has a direct reflection on me and my children.
Thank you for reminding me that this particular woman has nothing but my feelings and best interest in mind.
ttg
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Originally Posted by timetogo 
And you are right, I am isolating myself and staying silent and IT IS based around shame and embarassment......One of my most "things to be worked on" is assuming people will judge me and assuming I know what they are thinking. I try to tell myself that they have no right to judge when they don't fully know. But for some reason, I care what others think about me and have a hard time not thinking what he does has a direct reflection on me and my children.
Thank you for reminding me that this particular woman has nothing but my feelings and best interest in mind.
ttg
Thank you for reminding me that this particular woman has nothing but my feelings and best interest in mind.
ttg
It's kinda like a slightly different take on the "you have to consider the source" thing that we hear in program...but it's always made perfect sense to me because, I mean, really, if people are just interested in the deceit and the drama and the rumor mill and they just want an excuse to judge someone else --regradless of whether or not they know the truth -- and feel superior and keep their attention off of what they ought to be doing to get their own sh*t together, well, they're gonna find it -- even if they have to make it up. And there's nothing you can do about that....but you don't have to give them power over you by worrying about what they're thinking, saying, or doing..or let their stupidity limit your choices or scare you into isolating from good people who can and will support you....consider the source!
freya
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Originally Posted by timetogo
Hi there -- I have been posting here for the past couple of weeks and find it comforting to know (although sad) to know others are in my position. I am having a bit of a time at the moment and could use some advice.
My AH works at a plant in a small town -- everyone knows everyone you know?! My AH and I have not been communicating at all this past few weeks. Anyway, one of his co-workers wives works in my office building. She just came up to me being very sympathetic and wondered if I wanted to talk. It was very uncomfortable as I'm trying to keep home and work separate right now. So now I have jumped to assuming the very worst --that he has lost his job. It's either that or he is telling people there that we are separating (which would be good because then he is admitting it is real). I just would have appreciated him saying it to me first (or is that too much to expect from an addict/alcoholic.
So now, I'm sitting at work having a major panic/anxiety attack and not quite sure what to do -- do others jump to the worst case scenario automatically? The easy thing to do would be to ask the woman why she was asking if I was allright. But I'm scared to -- I am avoiding it because I'm scared it will be the worst case scenario. Do others ever feel like that?
My AH works at a plant in a small town -- everyone knows everyone you know?! My AH and I have not been communicating at all this past few weeks. Anyway, one of his co-workers wives works in my office building. She just came up to me being very sympathetic and wondered if I wanted to talk. It was very uncomfortable as I'm trying to keep home and work separate right now. So now I have jumped to assuming the very worst --that he has lost his job. It's either that or he is telling people there that we are separating (which would be good because then he is admitting it is real). I just would have appreciated him saying it to me first (or is that too much to expect from an addict/alcoholic.
So now, I'm sitting at work having a major panic/anxiety attack and not quite sure what to do -- do others jump to the worst case scenario automatically? The easy thing to do would be to ask the woman why she was asking if I was allright. But I'm scared to -- I am avoiding it because I'm scared it will be the worst case scenario. Do others ever feel like that?
Most times my emotional reactions reveal alot about what's really going on inside my mind & heart. When I become so uncomfortable and panicky because of what someone else does or how they do it, I like to examine it and either work on my own reactions or put a boundary in place.
There were plenty of times when my son was active in his addiction that I just needed to detach from whatever others were wanting to tell me about him. The part of me that wanted to know those details was full of fear and apprehensions about what 'might' be happening....and I just didn't have the energy to have a front row seat to more drama involving someone else.
I'm glad that you have such a caring friend at work. Please let us know how things work out for you.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Thanks CMH for asking the question, "what is the crisis here". I think in my frame of mind, where I'm at with my husband (want to leave - very very scared) and the whole "waiting for the shoe to drop" mind set, I consider many things crisis where most people wouldn't. I think sometimes, it's me that creates more of the crisis than anything. I consider myself "To be in a state of crisis" at the moment because my world feels as if it is falling down around me (it's been crumbling for a while but now crashing!).
Thank you for helping me to realize that not everything is or has the potential to be a "full blown" crisis.
ttg
Thank you for helping me to realize that not everything is or has the potential to be a "full blown" crisis.
ttg
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