justaboutus

Just when I've been happy for a few weeks, really feeling my zen, really working on myself... the other shoe drops. AH has had a death in the family. He said he's doing ok (he still has his bottle, he's fine), but his family is hysterical. So I'm going to have a real challenge on my hands dealing with all this.

In a way this is good, (trying to look on the bright side here) because I'm going to be dealing with these people for the rest of my life (AH and I have a child together). So, there will always be weddings/funerals/birthdays where we have to at least pretend to get along.

So, my plan (at the moment) is to focus on our child (my responsibility) and facilitate my husband to spend time with his family. When the crazyness happens, I'm going to detach and if I have to interact with my husband I'm going to "aren't they crazy? I'm so glad we're not like that" which has worked before and detaches me from the unhealthy crazy.

Anyone else have a better idea? Suggestions?

GiveLove

Sounds like a plan, justaboutus.

I love that you look on the bright side even of this. I had a buddy who used to say, "What if I were holding five $100 bills in my hands, and would hand you one for each GOOD THING you could find about this situation? Could you find something?"

You didn't even have to get paid...you found it for yourself Awesome recovery.

justaboutus

Thanks. I'm mainly trying to prepare myself here. It'll be 6 hours of driving there and another 6 hours back. He probably will not be talking and that's when I sit there thinking, then I talk, then I'm sucked back into "fixing things" again, then he breaks open the bag o' manipulation tricks. It's our pattern and I hate it.

I can see the challenge this time and I'm determined to triumph. I'm trying to get my arsenal together so I can go to battle with my own codie self. I am my own worst enemy. I START all this this... I do it to MYSELF. If I'm ever going to have serenity, I have to stop.

[Anyone else feel like they're in a locker room getting a pep talk?]

GiveLove

Good point, justaboutus. If you step outside the box a bit.....is there a way you could simply do that? Would the world cave in if you had to say, "I really can't go" ?

justaboutus

I did think about not going. I talked it out with my therapist, three alanon people, and my family. Everyone agrees I need to learn how to deal with him and not let him run all over me. I thought about it and thought it would be as safe of a place as I can get (I'll have my own car, my own hotel room, friends living close by, etc.) so if I get overwhelmed or feel manipulated I can scat.

It may sound like I'm upset, but I'm really not. I'm just trying to keep repeating this so hopefully when the time comes I'll do the right thing.