how do I love thee?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: venice,fl
Posts: 35
how do I love thee?
My husband has been an opiate addict for at least five years. He got on methadone, and I finally started seeing him for the man I married. But methadone wreaks havoc on your body and he just wanted to be better. We couldn't afford a lengthy rehab, but we cashed in some IRA's and got him on suboxone. (and antidepressants.) Life was getting back to normal. Key word..."was".
After a week or so, because he has an addictive personality, he started feeling like he needed to numb all the pain of his broken childhood with something.
That something turned out to be crack.
I have been thru it and back with this man. I know he hurts. I have been as tolerant as a mother of 2 young children can be. But, everytime he feels the need to use crack, I fly off the deep end. I yell and scream, we argue and fight. I know this is a disease, and I hate to be so intolerant. I am lost.
Epitome of Co-dependance.
I've told him that I hate him. I believe in God, and Destiny and Love and Peace. I actually hate myself for not understanding his disease.
I really needed to vent. Thanks for listening.
J
After a week or so, because he has an addictive personality, he started feeling like he needed to numb all the pain of his broken childhood with something.
That something turned out to be crack.
I have been thru it and back with this man. I know he hurts. I have been as tolerant as a mother of 2 young children can be. But, everytime he feels the need to use crack, I fly off the deep end. I yell and scream, we argue and fight. I know this is a disease, and I hate to be so intolerant. I am lost.
Epitome of Co-dependance.
I've told him that I hate him. I believe in God, and Destiny and Love and Peace. I actually hate myself for not understanding his disease.
I really needed to vent. Thanks for listening.
J
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
(((KD)))
My XAH was an opiate addict too (still is). I could understand why, when I found out, from what I knew about his past - but you know what? It's not an excuse. It explains it, it doesn't excuse it.
I have a mother - don't we all, but mine's still alive and I have not spoken to her or seen her since 1985! Hmmmmm, think I might have some issues? Of course I do. I go to therapy, I work on it. It's been a lifelong process. If I can work on my past he can too. My AH still has his parents, his brothers and sister, nephews, child and even grandchild - Hellllooooo - take care of the issues, they don't magically disappear.
I can understand your frustration. My point is, they are adults, we have every right to expect adult behavior from them.
Hope you are sticking to your boundaries and taking care of you!
My XAH was an opiate addict too (still is). I could understand why, when I found out, from what I knew about his past - but you know what? It's not an excuse. It explains it, it doesn't excuse it.
I have a mother - don't we all, but mine's still alive and I have not spoken to her or seen her since 1985! Hmmmmm, think I might have some issues? Of course I do. I go to therapy, I work on it. It's been a lifelong process. If I can work on my past he can too. My AH still has his parents, his brothers and sister, nephews, child and even grandchild - Hellllooooo - take care of the issues, they don't magically disappear.
I can understand your frustration. My point is, they are adults, we have every right to expect adult behavior from them.
Hope you are sticking to your boundaries and taking care of you!
Last edited by BayAreaPhoenix; 01-14-2009 at 04:53 PM.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
kduker
My heart goes out to you. Loving someone who is suffering from addiction is so hard!
The thing that stands out to me in your post is the idea of "addictive personality". I've had the same reaction relative to my addict. The "advice" I've gotten myself many times in relation to the up and down roller coaster is - let go.
Whether it's mental illness, physical illness or the disease of addiction, the afflicted person has to really want to manage it and do whatever it takes. There a many diabetics who take care of thier illness and live a long and happy life, and there are many who don't manage their illness and end up blind, impaired or dead. The same is true for those suffering from addiction.
With two children and dealing with this disease, golly, it seems like you have your hands more than full.
I came to realize with my addict (niece) that it will be a long time before she is able to develop the skill to manage her disease and her life, much less any additional responsibility. I can't even imagine what it must be like to have 2 kids to take care of with little or no help and dealing with the addiction on top of it.
I just read one of the stickies - 10- ways to help your addict (or something like that). One of the things it said is don't try to analyze the disease - it's a waste of time. What is helpful is to expect adults to be adults and to focus on taking care of you and your kids.
You may find other helpful things in that post - I did.
Prayers that you find freedom and happiness for you and your kids and that your husband finds the motivation to fully embrace recovery, with or without you. God Bless.
My heart goes out to you. Loving someone who is suffering from addiction is so hard!
The thing that stands out to me in your post is the idea of "addictive personality". I've had the same reaction relative to my addict. The "advice" I've gotten myself many times in relation to the up and down roller coaster is - let go.
Whether it's mental illness, physical illness or the disease of addiction, the afflicted person has to really want to manage it and do whatever it takes. There a many diabetics who take care of thier illness and live a long and happy life, and there are many who don't manage their illness and end up blind, impaired or dead. The same is true for those suffering from addiction.
With two children and dealing with this disease, golly, it seems like you have your hands more than full.
I came to realize with my addict (niece) that it will be a long time before she is able to develop the skill to manage her disease and her life, much less any additional responsibility. I can't even imagine what it must be like to have 2 kids to take care of with little or no help and dealing with the addiction on top of it.
I just read one of the stickies - 10- ways to help your addict (or something like that). One of the things it said is don't try to analyze the disease - it's a waste of time. What is helpful is to expect adults to be adults and to focus on taking care of you and your kids.
You may find other helpful things in that post - I did.
Prayers that you find freedom and happiness for you and your kids and that your husband finds the motivation to fully embrace recovery, with or without you. God Bless.
Searching for Serenity
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by kduker 
But, everytime he feels the need to use crack, I fly off the deep end. I yell and scream, we argue and fight. I know this is a disease, and I hate to be so intolerant. I am lost.
Epitome of Co-dependance.
I've told him that I hate him. I believe in God, and Destiny and Love and Peace. I actually hate myself for not understanding his disease.
J
Epitome of Co-dependance.
I've told him that I hate him. I believe in God, and Destiny and Love and Peace. I actually hate myself for not understanding his disease.
J
unhelpful? definately
intolerant? NO
you don't have to feel guilty for not wanting him to use drugs. it may be the addiction and the drugs that are making him that way, but nonetheless, his actions are inconsiderate and hurtful to you and your kids.
if you feel bad about yelling and screaming because you know it isn't helping anything, that's fine. but don't "hate yourself" for not understanding his disease.
you don't have to understand it to know you don't want any part of it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Crack is so bad sweetie. I was a crack addict. Crack addicts don't just get better on their own. They don't just "quit using". And there is no pill like methadone or subs to take to cure the cravings or stop the pyschological and physiological withdrawals. I wouldn't wish a crack addict into anyone's life. Especially a child's life. If you put their well being and make wise choices based on what you want for your children, you can't go wrong.
Just like your husband can't understand what it's like to be a woman, or you can't understand what it's like to be a dolphin, a non-addict cannot understand what it's like to be an addict. Especially a crack addict. It is a self made hell. The only way to help him is to stop trying to help him and protect your children.
If you focus on protecting your children and being an example to them, you will make wise choices. It's a lot of responsibility but if you don't step up to protect your children, who will? Not a crack addict. That's for sure.
We make our own destinies. And we can influence the destiny of our children by the choices we make when they are children.
Stay strong!
Just like your husband can't understand what it's like to be a woman, or you can't understand what it's like to be a dolphin, a non-addict cannot understand what it's like to be an addict. Especially a crack addict. It is a self made hell. The only way to help him is to stop trying to help him and protect your children.
If you focus on protecting your children and being an example to them, you will make wise choices. It's a lot of responsibility but if you don't step up to protect your children, who will? Not a crack addict. That's for sure.
We make our own destinies. And we can influence the destiny of our children by the choices we make when they are children.
Stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Hi. My husband was also an opiate addict. He got on methadone because the VA provides it at no cost and it's in pill form. A couple of months ago, after working a program, he hooked up with an old buddy of his and he started smoking crack and eventually started shooting it up until he got an infection is his arm. He switched to crack because the methadone has a blocker in it that prevents them from getting high on opiates, but not crack or coke. I don't think he's shooting it anymore but I would not be surprised if he's still smoking it.
It has occured to me that my husband has been "altered" either on psychological prescription meds, illegal drugs or alcohol the whole time I've known him and that is very bothersome to me. It occurs to me that I don't know who he really is - neither does he. I think some people just always need to be in some sort of "altered" state, high in some way, shape or form.
I don't have any advice for you except to keep posting and you will get so much feedback. I don't understand it either. I don't know how family, respect and a career aren't more important than being high but then I've never been addicted to anything but cigarrettes. If someone gave me an ultimatum - I'd put them down in a minute especially if they told me I would loose my children (and it may come to that one day as new laws and regulations get passed every day).
I wish you the best. You have come to the right place to try and understand the illness a little bit better. You will also come to understand the illness that we have that accepts this behavior on any level, even if it's recreational. You will resent it being told you have issues but eventually, you will come to accept and understand and once you do, you will start to get healthy, for your children's sake and your tolerance will decrease and your boundaries will increase and become firmer. Protect the kids, your money and property. The money and property will begin to disappear as the crack use goes on. It effects everybody - not just the user. :ghug3
It has occured to me that my husband has been "altered" either on psychological prescription meds, illegal drugs or alcohol the whole time I've known him and that is very bothersome to me. It occurs to me that I don't know who he really is - neither does he. I think some people just always need to be in some sort of "altered" state, high in some way, shape or form.
I don't have any advice for you except to keep posting and you will get so much feedback. I don't understand it either. I don't know how family, respect and a career aren't more important than being high but then I've never been addicted to anything but cigarrettes. If someone gave me an ultimatum - I'd put them down in a minute especially if they told me I would loose my children (and it may come to that one day as new laws and regulations get passed every day).
I wish you the best. You have come to the right place to try and understand the illness a little bit better. You will also come to understand the illness that we have that accepts this behavior on any level, even if it's recreational. You will resent it being told you have issues but eventually, you will come to accept and understand and once you do, you will start to get healthy, for your children's sake and your tolerance will decrease and your boundaries will increase and become firmer. Protect the kids, your money and property. The money and property will begin to disappear as the crack use goes on. It effects everybody - not just the user. :ghug3
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sunny Fla
Posts: 112
Originally Posted by kduker
I've told him that I hate him. I believe in God, and Destiny and Love and Peace. I actually hate myself for not understanding his disease.
J
J
I told my AH the same thing. Actually, I think my words were, 'I have no love left for you.' When I really think about it, it is not him that I hate, it is the disease. Don't be too hard on yourself about not understanding. Hugs, D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
I agree. I don't know whether I hate my AH or love him. I do hate the disease. I hate what it's done to us - not just him. I want the man I married back. I keep wanting to say - "I didn't sign up for this!". But, for better or worse.....sickness and health....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
One thing i'm learning is that i dont have to understand everything. Some things and some people are just the way they are because that's who they are. Hate is such a strong word to use towards anyone but when you use it towards yourself your taking away the only love that can truly make you happy. Do yourself a favor and take that comment out of your vocabulary. Instead say I Love myself - because if you dont who will?
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
"But, for better or worse.....sickness and health...."
It sounds to me like you take your vows very seriously, as I do mine. I read a post not too long ago that addressed this exact point. The post talked about how you did not vow "for better or worse, in sickness and in health, to be belittled, beaten down, drained of financial resources, riddled with anxiety......................" I have been taking my vows seriously for close to 20 years now but the problem is, he isn't.
Read the stickies at the top of the page -- they are really helpful -- I especially related to "What Addicts Do" and "Let Me Fall". It helped me to "try" to understand what this is I'm dealing with (or able to do little about).
take care of you
ttg
It sounds to me like you take your vows very seriously, as I do mine. I read a post not too long ago that addressed this exact point. The post talked about how you did not vow "for better or worse, in sickness and in health, to be belittled, beaten down, drained of financial resources, riddled with anxiety......................" I have been taking my vows seriously for close to 20 years now but the problem is, he isn't.
Read the stickies at the top of the page -- they are really helpful -- I especially related to "What Addicts Do" and "Let Me Fall". It helped me to "try" to understand what this is I'm dealing with (or able to do little about).
take care of you
ttg
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: delta,bc, canada
Posts: 83
Every time he feels the need to use crack you yell and scream. Okay. I wonder what they really want you to say? Are you going to the crack house now to visit your buddies sweetie? Do you want some extra cash or are you okay? Try not to burn your lips and don't forget your protection. I will stay here and wait for you. Love you! Drive carefully.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
As a recovering crack addict, it really doesn't matter WHAT you say when he's smoking crack..he's not hearing it. That's what crack does...let's you think of nothing BUT crack and the high that goes with it. And as soon as it's gone? All you think about is getting more...immediately.
Yelling at, or talking to a crack addict who is smoking it is like talking to a pine tree.
I would also like to add that some crack addicts can become violent or paranoid, so please be careful. It doesn't matter if your loved one "doesn't have a violent bone in their body". Crack alters your brain. It makes people do things they would never do, otherwise.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Yelling at, or talking to a crack addict who is smoking it is like talking to a pine tree.
I would also like to add that some crack addicts can become violent or paranoid, so please be careful. It doesn't matter if your loved one "doesn't have a violent bone in their body". Crack alters your brain. It makes people do things they would never do, otherwise.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Originally Posted by jan123
Every time he feels the need to use crack you yell and scream. Okay. I wonder what they really want you to say? Are you going to the crack house now to visit your buddies sweetie? Do you want some extra cash or are you okay? Try not to burn your lips and don't forget your protection. I will stay here and wait for you. Love you! Drive carefully.
Yea..Yelling is useless. For me when someone would yell..That put more fuel to the fire. Made me bug out more.
You wanna yell? Now you will have something to really yell about.
Either that or I just didnt hear it.
Stop talking or yelling and start doing. Thats something both of you should do.
If he has just started smoking it again. You havent seen nothing yet.
I can guarantee you that.
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