2many2count

I'm mad and hurt at the same time. My husband showed his A$$ again and we both lost control! I have just had it and he kept pushing my buttons. He threw my pocketbook at me and it hit me in the head and I went on him! I think I hit him 14 times and I called him every drunk in the book. You don't have to tell me that it didn't solve anything because I already know that. The kids were at the neighbors house so they are clueless except for the fact that he's gone again. I don't know why I lost it the way that I did. I guess it from everything that has happened in the last few months that have made me CRAZY! I feel like everyone takes advantage of me. I always care too much and obviously I "take care of" too much as well. I'm not crying because he's gone. I told him to get out. I'm finally hitting the bottom and I know what I can accept and what I can't. I'm in a fix right now because he's out of work and he's supposed to watch the kids while I'm in school and at work. Now he's being MR. JERK and telling me to figure it out myself, so I am. The problem is......it's not working! I've tried to think of everything possible and I'm at a loss right now. I'm in school from 8 to 12 and 2 to 4. I go to work at 10pm and get home at 7am. What a schedule! Well, I'll make it somehow! I always do. Mom always told me I was a survivor and I guess with all the stupid mistakes I've made in my life and somehow saw my way out of them I must be. I always fix everything and for some reason I wish someone else had my JOB! I'm tired. I'm just tired. The kids are fine. I've given them their baths and they are ready for bed, sitting back watching the SIMPSONS! Laughing and having a great time. My husband called a few minutes ago and he's just bugging me. Slurring his words and calling the neighbors to have them come and talk to me. I just want to be left alone! I hate explaining myself. Back several years ago when I was a rebellious teenager I had the worst temper. I would lose it at the drop of a hat. I went through assertiveness training and I worked. Now, I probably need that class again. I have this stupid habit of sweeping everything under the rug and tiptoeing around on eggshells until I snap. Not a good thing. The only person in the world that can push those old buttons are my husband. I've known him since I was 11. He was my first boyfriend and he knew me well back then.

I told him today tha tI wanted him to pack his things and get the hell out. I didn't want him to call me or come over here until I was ready for him to. He listens so well. He's still calling and acting as if he has the power over me because I don't have a sitter. I said to him " Everyone must think that I'm weak and can't make it on my own. I've always been the one who fixed everything for you what in the hell makes you think I can't fix this." SO THERE!
Put that in your beer and drink it! I've always made it. My first disgusting relationship left me with two kids, ages 2 and 3 and I did it right by myself and I can do it again with 4.

Needed to vent and totally ashamed of my behavior but whats done is done. I must move forward AGAIN!

2many2count

2stop

Oh 2many, I know it seems like sometimes there's never a let-up in the downpour! Bless your heart, God will find a way that you can still attend school..sending bighugs and love your way...

2many2count

Thank you Tammie!
When it rains it pours. Gotta get out my life preserver! My father in law brought my husband back carrying a sixpack. He put the beer in our van and I walked out and said what are you doing? He said I thought you needed me here to babysit tomorrow. I said "Yeah, I did." The kids walked out and I didn't want them to see him so I was getting them back in the house when he left in the van. So I guess he fixed my A$$ good. Now I don't have a way to school in the morning. I could CUSS like a sailor! But I won't. I've called Mental Health because his Dr isn't on call and I'm having him committed tomorrow somehow. A counselor called me back and I told him what was going on and he is going to contact me in the morning. What a Damn mess!

Love ya!
2many

jessieandme2003

Your post touches me deeply, yet I am not sure I have anything helpful to respond with. I just wanted you to know I've been sitting here thinking about it.
I do know that as mothers the strength we find when we look at our children is just boundless. We know that we must and will find a way to get through it all, because we have to, for them. And sometimes a few hugs and kisses is all the remedy we need when we are at our weakest. With 4 children you can be in no short supply of those! Go ahead, be greedy, sneak a few more of those unconditional snuggles they so freely offer.
I admire your strength, your determination, and your heart. Keep it up and I'll keep cheering for you.

Rose56

((((((((2 Many))))))))
I relate to your experience, I too explode when things build up too much. I take too much crap and take responsibility for too much until I get to explosion point. I am trying to change my ways and take responsibility for less. THis is not easy.

I pray that God will send you an angel to watch your children so that you can pursue your goal. God sure sent me some angels to watch my children when the were little. I hope to do the same for someone when I get a chance.

You are on my evening prayer list. We survivors must stick together. I wish I had something better to offer you. Remember to keep breathing, the tide will turn. Take good care.....

LettingGo

Hi 2many,

I am also on my own with 3 kids and prego with my fourth so I know that feeling of uncertainty. Especially with needing someone to help watch kids etc...... I feel for you, but you know what, I think it is easier than having to be in the middle of that crap all of the time! At least for me it is! Anyways, youre in my thoughts! Single mamas will survive!!!!

LG

2many2count

Oh yes... I talked to my Momma last night around 11 and we came up with a plan to get me out of this one horse town. I'm going to work until I save up a certain amount of money in a savings account in her name. We have the same bamks here so I'll make deposits into that account. Oncce I have what I need I'm moving to live near MY MOMMA! I need them. I'm so far away from family. Rose...I'll be very close by to you! Garner. Hopefully in the next month or two I'm be out of this mess. Mom said that she would keep the kids at night so I can go to school. I'm still going to go now as well. I can do this. I have to. When you have to do something you'll find a way. I have to develop the alcoholics brain.... They can be flat broke and somehow find a way to gfet what they want. Well...so can I. Just not beer! An education!

You'd think things would be easier but just when you think you've had all you can take a door opens. Today, one opened for me. My husband left me a whole hundred dollars and a 200.00 light bill. I made one phone call and they helped me pay it. One less worry on my plate. At least we have food on the table. Some don't even have that.

Love,
2many