sknyfats

I'm remotely curious if any recovering addicts have ever contacted those they were in relationships with during the worst of their addiction(s) - why, and what happened. I'm definitely cutting the ties with my ex-AGF - but I'm curious - IF she ever does go into recovery (which I have a hard time believing she will ever do now) - will there ever be a day where she might "open her eyes" & realize all of the terrible things she said & did to myself & those around her who truly care about her?

I mean - it's really mind blowing how she's acting. Absolutely MIND blowing. I'm not being hopeful or holding my breath for a chance at a relationship with her again - I'm just curious if it's common that once the fog of addiction clears - if any addicts ever go back to those who loved them so much, and either try to make amends or even try to rekindle the relationship that they spit on, chewed up, set fire to, ran over with a car, cut up into pieces and bombed to death (I could've kept putting more analogies in there but it still wouldn't be enough to describe how I feel).

I know I don't want to be mad & angry at "her" - but at the addiction. Its just so hard when its her face I see in my mind that has done what she has done; its her voice I hear that said such cold, cutting words; it's her text messages that she typed in saying such mean & nasty things...it's tough to be compassionate when another person is so mean - regardless of what the underlying cause(s) may be...I don't know if I could ever forgive her & trust her ever again IF she even had those desires someday.

winnie12

It is one of the 12 steps to make amends to those you have harmed. A friend of mine did make amends to me. i didnt understand it at the time and kept telling her not to worry about it - she stopped me and said this is a step i need to do in my recovery please let me finish what i need to say.

My ex, whose not an addict (at least not drugs or alcohol) made amends to me for the horrible things he did to me in our relationship. In no way would i ever take him back but it did give me some closure hearing his apology. Takes a lot of time for these things. I had actually forgiven him for it before he asked - it was easier for me to move on from him if i didnt have that spite in my heart.

Done_With_It

When we get into recovery we Do realize what we have done, if we are in true recovery.
I was lucky to not have damaged to much in the way of relationships, but I did more shame to myself, and that I do realize......

Personally I think if you don't get the damage you have caused then you aren't in recovery.

I think forgiving people is a big step, not only for them but for ourselves.
People have to do what they have to do to get where they need to be.
Sometimes we are just in their path. It's hard but it's not really personal what other people do to us, it's just how we see it.
What other people do and how they act is about them, not us.

JMO~

GwenMarie30

HI Sknfats. Im a recovering addict. And yes I was able to keep my relationship after recovery. In answer to your question I was able to save my relationship but it was so very hard. Was it worth it? I had doubts. There was no trust or respect. Its been 3 years and in anger I still get nasty comments or am still paying the price of addiction. I had 3 kids involved in this relationship. So yeah, it was worth it. But I dont have a normal functioning relationship, even today. And its been 3 long years. There is still times of doubt, mistrust, lacking respect, and I could go on.

Move ON if you can. I have read your post. From my own point of view and opinion, get out while you can. There is NO want for recovvery on her part. You seek your own recovery and you can stable your self out. Take all the effort that you put into your relationship and put it to working on you.

Take care.

cassandra2

Its a sloooooowwwww process for the addicts seeking recovery. My ex has been clean from opiates for over 2 months now and we are JUST NOW communicating with each other. We have a child together so its important for me that the communication lines are open and honest.

So far its been a rollercoaster. In fact because his behavior hadnt changed instantly I began to fear he had relapsed. It was frustrating but I knew that he had to change things I couldnt do it for him.

Now we are talking and he is reaching out and asking me for help. I have solid boundaries in place so that I dont get hurt again in the process.

I explained to him that my only expectation from him is that he treats me with respect. Because he is in early recovery I feel that I cant expect much more then that.

We are following my therapists advice and having weekly meetings at a coffee shop to just "talk". So far things have been going well. As far as the relationship aspect goes, we have both agreed to kinda put in on the back burner until we are ready to decide what to do. We have decided that until he gets to be firm in recovery we cannot either close the door or open the door to our relationship.

As far as forgiving him. I have. I look at it like this he never set out to do the things that he did . That's what addicts do.

I look at his addiction like this he is David Banner and the addiction was the HULK and yes he did act in ways that were contrary to how you would act not in active addiction. I have chosen to forgive because it frees me. I dont hold him responsible for ruining my life or making me feel a certain way. No one has that much control over another person.

Its far easier to forgive then to hold onto to anger and resentment. That combo will eat you up and you may never be able to move forward.

sknyfats

Funny - but I always have had a hard time listening to the experienced wisdom of others - and have to learn things the hard way, for myself. People told me to run - and run fast - early on. Granted, to some, this IS early on for me - so, in some ways, I am lucky. You're right though - it is definitely time to get out - stay out - and move on & get back to the business of my own life once again.

Anvilhead, you're right about forgiveness. I knew this - but hadn't given it much thought yet with her. I have a great book that goes into detail - I think its called the 12 Steps of Forgiveness or something like that. I may pull it out someday - but not right now. And, believe it or not - I did walk away the 1st time I felt mistreated. And, after about 30 days, our paths crossed, and I came back - except that when I did - I more or less just gave everything - thinking that our being brought back together was "meant to be" blah blah blah. Maybe it was - I mean, I know everything that happens in life is meant to - its part of our journey's - her's, mine, all of yours - even this post & whoever reads it. Everything has meaning - even when there's pain involved. I believe that.

I'm not going to plan on if that day comes either (her wanting to make amends/rekindle our love once sober)...I think part of me was trying to decide whether or not to hold onto some sliver of hope for that...crazy, huh? (wow - I just got so sad right now realizing I'm really going to let go and not look back this time around...emotions can be a royal pain in the butt sometimes...i feel angry that i'm even feeling sad after so much pain that's already happened...and I also feel scared for her...I don't want her to kill herself...she doesn't even know what she doesn't know - ya know? God, its all just so sad!)

splendra

So what does the pain mean to you? Do you believe that you need this pain? If you touch a hot stove and burn your hand what does that mean? To me it means the stove will burn me if I touch it.

I am in the middle of a break up right now too. I feel pain when I talk to him and when I see him to me this pain just verifies the reason I have left him. Yea I have some great memories. I wish he wasn't addicted and we could work things out. He has not shown any interest at all in trying to get clean.

The pain I feel is about how I trusted him so much and how I tried so hard only to be smacked in the face over and over again by his addiction.

The pain means I can't be on the receiving end of this any more...

Also I am a person who used to be strung out on drugs and alcohol fortunately for me and the rest of the world I was not in a relationship and I was away from my family for most of my using days. As soon as I was able to get clean the first thing I wanted to do was contact my family and tell them I was clean and working very hard on myself. If I had been in a relationship such as the one I am leaving I hope I would have wanted to make amends to the person I hurt actually I am sure I would have.

The best advise I can possibly give you is take good care of yourself and try not to look back

itisatruth

I appreciate this thread and all the responses; I think I needed to hear it today to help me remember where I was and remember I still need to work on moving forward.

It was so hard for me to find where the addiction ended and the person began -- they are so often intertwined so much that differentiating which of his actions were the result of the drugs and which were really him was something I let myself get carried away in. I carried around my hurt and anger for so long. He needed to know that he owed me amends, he needed to know how badly he hurt me, he needed to know how angry I was at him because of what HE did and the lies HE told, and I never missed an opportunity to remind him of what he needed to do. Man, did I say some mean things to him in my anger.

I feel a lot better since I've been able to let go of my anger and some of my resentments. Don't get me wrong, I'm still dealing with things, but being able to not be mad all the time and has been good for me. I'm also trying to accept that I let him get away with telling me lies and hurting me for so long. I'm trying forgive myself too.

There are times, like today reading this thread, that things come back to me and I feel some emotions coming out that I didn't expect. Someday I imagine, I will be on his amends list (if he works his steps) as I know he will be on mine (yikes).

sknyfats, thanks for this thread and the opportunity to think about it all. No one knows if your ex will ever find recovery and/or make peace with those she's hurt, but in the meantime you can start to heal. You said you believe everything has meaning, so what meaning can you take from all of this for yourself? Best wishes to you.

cassandra2

This is why forgiveness is soooo important for US. Holding onto the resentment and pain also leads you to expecting that this person now owes you something.

Anvil, you are so right in saying that forgiveness is also taking ownership of your part. I was in the relationship too. I could have left at ANY time. I could have left at the first gut level instinict that something was amiss. But I chose to stay. People say that I need to be angry. Granted I was at first but then I began to look at the anger and see it for what it was....

I was angry that he MADE me feel this way.
I was angry that he MADE the choice of drugs.
I was angry that he destroyed our family.

That is giving someone else way to much power over how I think and feel. And then I realized he may have done that but by me staying angry I am allowing him to have the power over how I feel and how I get out with MY life.

And of course by being angry with an addict that is just doing what addicts do that keeps you ATTACHED.

sknyfats

That's a pretty powerful last sentence there. And very true.

I'm working things out with myself. What is the meaning behind everything I've gone through? Well, for one thing, this has been the giant billboard that has lead me to realize that I'm codependent, have been in the past - and that now is the time to understand it & work on myself so that I can live a much happier & satisfying life. That's the biggest thing right now, for me. I'm sure there are other lessons/meanings that will be realized from this relationship as time goes on. I know sometimes, I just don't see or understand the meaning behind things right when or right after they're happening.

I know it's only been a very short time - but I've been rapidly & progressively feeling a weight get lifted off my shoulder. I was having constant anxiety attack types of feelings for almost the whole month of December. As soon as I realized just what codependency was and how codependent I am/have been (on New Years Day) - and began to understand & work on myself, almost all of that went away. I can even eat full meals again!

Things are definitely looking up - for me. And, that's what is most important, isn't it?

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

I know it makes you sad to think about that.
but you didn't cause her addiction and you can't control it.
And you can't control what her addiction does to HER.
Whether you are in a relationship with her or not.
Her disease is GOING to get worse and worse until she seeks treatment, and by you being with her you are IN NO WAY going to stop or even slow its' progression.
it's also really normal for you to have those feelings and really important for you to talk to someone about them. a support group or someone who has also been there and also knows what youre going through.

hello-kitty

My exes are exes. I don't contact them. The past is the past. I have moved on and I hope they have too. If not, they have their own issues to deal with and I don't want to interfere in their lives or their personal recovery from whatever made them get involved with an addict in the first place.

GwenMarie30

Sknyfats, I just wanted to coment on how well you recognize the steps to your own recovery. The next step is applying them to your life. I think you will be ok. I wont say there wont be pain for you but there will be more happiness as your recovery takes place. Recovery is for the mind and the heart. You did all you could. And yes the last statement you mae is yes you are mor important.


I will PM you.

jerect

I'm so glad for this thread today...

My AH is early in his recovery... 82 days clean..

I was just struggling with this today, the whole concept of forgivness.. I hold so much resentment for him right now, even though time and time again I have tried to forgive..

I'm letting go of any expectations that he will ever make amends to me for the things he has done..If he works his program the way he should then maybe one day he will.

There are many things that he did when he was in active adiction that hurt terribly that i know he would never do while he wasn't using.. When he was activly using I said some very hurtful things to him and I have my own amends to make... maybe not right now because we are both working our own programs and growing in our own time but the amends will come soon..

Sknyfats, she may or may not come back to make amends... you just have to make peace with that somehow and work on improving you... sounds like you are doing that already..

suemarie

Ok, I would like to ask something about the 8th step about making amends.

Some think that step means they only have to do it for themselves as a way of acceptance and forgiving themselves and not necessarily physically appologizing to the people they hurt.

Now, I understand thier way of thinking this way, its a way to heal your inner self, fine, but I personally feel they need help heal the people they hurt by personally appologizing to them. I feel we deserve that from all the h*ll they put us through.
It bothers the h*ll out of me that they can just go on and leave us the pain and damage they caused without atleast an appology when for most of us they owe us ALOT more than that.

So I would like to know others opinions on this and help me understand what this step REALLY is.

Suemarie