Godsgirl

Hi all...need to vent about this...any comments appreciated.

I am still teetering back and forth between detachment and allowing some civil encounters with ABF. My concern is that for the last year, he has somehow managed to pick a fight with me just before payday it seems. He had been dropping by every morning just before going off to work at his job which starts at 7:00 just to make googly eyes and hug or check up on me (sometimes like a hound dog he walks back to my bedroom and back to the front den...lol..like he is looking for a hint I may be cheating).

Well, lately we have had a rash of robberies and break-ins..... and although I always expected it but seldom get it, I asked him to call me before dropping in recently. He usually stays about 10 minutes then leaves.

Well, he has been e-mailing me but not calling at all lately but still dropping by in the morning as usual.

He showed up this morning and I asked why he did not call. In 3 seconds, he got irate and yelled..."well *&Q@!! thanks for ruining my day!! turned and slammed the door...continued cursing outside loud enough for my kids and neighbor to hear.

Now, he knows I usually totally detach after behavior like this...this is about the 4th time it has happened. Yes, if he calls before coming in the morning which is seldom, we can chat civil for a few minutes, hug and he leave....but now it seems im gonna have to just not let him in anymore.

He gets paid on the 15th...I was wondering if he is not only tweaking but really purposely staging discord so he will have a reason not to contact me since he is paid.

??

Latte

It is possible. Is he supposed to give you money?

I would say cut off contact when he crosses boundries. Picking a fight is one of my boundries.

Godsgirl

No...ABF does not give me money. He also does not stay overnight anymore. I am not intimate with him anymore either because of the possibility he interacts with other female drug users. His mother and sister and God knows who else gives him money to support his alcohol (beer) and gas tank.

Yes, I still love him and still belive our relationship is slowly diminishing away to just him being someone I used to be "in love" with...but he killed that part with his constant using, lies, deceipt. Its funny how he seems to think we are still together in spite of all of his questionable activity. His family and work staff love him and seem to dismiss the possiblity he uses drugs. He brought me a job evaluation last week. All the boxes were checked excellent and commended his profesionalism at the job. I am baffled because no one except me seems to notice he has a problem......however, I continue to tell myself that ..."its just a matter of time before the **** hits the fan". He got a speeding ticket last weekend...told me he argued with the cop (Its a wonder the cop did not smell the odor I smelled and ask him to step out the car...but luckily the cop asked him if he wanted to view the speeding gauge in the cruiser...he refused and was handed the ticket through the window.

Well thanks all for reading this vent.

Peace.

winnie12

When i read this the first thing i think is he is coming by every morning to try to see if you have another man there. If so, when you say "call me before you come," he probably hears "call me so i can get rid of my boyfriend." If this is the case then that would drive me batty and i'd have to tell him to stop coming over in the morning.

Curious about the breakins - do you think they could be related to your bf?

My last thought is goodness if that's all it takes to ruin his WHOLE day then he seriously needs to get a grip on reality. Its funny cause sometimes daily things happen and someone will get apologetic with me - i'll always say "if that's the worst thing that happens all day then i'm going to have a great day." It always makes people smile and it puts things in perspective for them and me.

Impurrfect

I wouldn't doubt that he is wanting to cause a discord around payday, so he can use it as an excuse to get loaded with his paycheck. My XABF used to do it any time he had money coming in.

No matter how much I loved him, though, I had to look at what I was getting out of the relationship and soon realized it wasn't enough to stay IN the relationship. I was putting way more into it, than I was getting out of it. It takes more than love to make a relationship work. For me, trust is a huge thing, and there usually is none when active addiction is involved.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

sailorjohn

Oh, absolutely, have had it happen many times. A surreal feeling. Like, huh? If you've experienced it more than once you end up smiling and thinking, yeah, right.

Freedom1990

So what is the payoff for you with still having contact with him?

outtolunch

Since you cannot control him and get some advance notice of his drop-in, is there any reason why you cannot change your locks or put up an inexpensive chain or something, that prevents him from walking in the door, when he feels like it? This might also make you feel safer, given the rash of crime in the area.

jan123

Hi! I am new. Mine once left after his payday with over two thousand dollars in his wallet, in cash. He came home two days later and told me that somehow his wallet got stolen. Hold on though, a miracle happened! I found the wallet two months later under my bed. No cash of course! Paydays to me were alone days.

winnie12

Jan my ex tried that one too - he actually got rid of the wallet. then i saw his driver's license in his new wallet. he could never explain how he had lost his wallet but still had his id and other items that he always kept there - just the money and the wallet. i have my dumb moments but i'm never that dumb - i think i was more mad at the fact he thought i was stupid enough not to notice that.

jan123

You are so right about them thinking that we are so stupid. I would always think to myself. "boy there must be a shovel somewhere in this apartment cause sweetheart, you are loosing a lot of ground"

liesagain

unfortunately......this behavior goes along with addiction
been there done that

my husband has actually told me ( during clean times) that leading up to a using time or relapse
he would begin to find fault with me....really or imagined all the same it just gave him the excuse he needed to go use.........

but thats HIS issue not mine.........today hes clean and today I know that even if we fought it wouldnt be enough to make him use.............when he used it wasnt me or any fight it was HIM and where he was in his recovery and spiritual condition

winnie12

Liesagain -you just hit it there and i've had that experience too. Godsgirl's bf probably convinced himself she ruined his day so now he has a great excuse to use and not take the blame.

People say they use because they're celebrating/upset, lost a job/got a job, got married/got divorced, got a raise/have money problems, having fun with SO/had fight with SO, they're young/they're getting old, on vacation/rough day at work, they're feeling good/they're in pain - there's always a great reason to get messed up - they just gotta figure out a good reason for today's high. Some of our addicts ruin everything good in their lives that they used to explain as their reason and now have to create bad things to get their excuse. I just refuse to be the blame for anyone's bad behavior - people use becuase that's what they want to do.

hello-kitty

If a civil encounter sometimes was the best I could manage with my boyfriend, I would probably rethink the whole relationship...

this isn't exactly what I would call detaching... 4 times... I'm surprised that the neighbors haven't reported this stuff to the police. How do your kids feel about this? They are listening and learning by example.

jan123

Impurrfect you are so right, TRUST is a huge thing!

Godsgirl

Wow...I love all of you guys...gives me so much insight into my ABF's behavior....what do I gain from the relationship?...geesh well first of all we were hs sweethearts..class of 1980, a very popular couple, my first lover, (we went to 2007 High School Christmas reunion...everyone loved on us).

In 1980 we separated to go off to college (during which time another teen at another hs said he fathered her child, found out its not his 2 years ago). At that time I broke things off. Seventeen years later after we both graduated and I was married with 2 kids, (he never married but fathered another with the same female, autistic, this time is his).

I divorced in 2002 and "ran into him"...he said look me up online..i did and we reunited immediatley with me not taking time to heal from an abusive, neglecting marriage. I thought of him as the person I knew and through high school, weekends home from college. He was what I needed after the divorce, I fell in love again with him in spite of the other drama. I did not know until late in the reunion that he had experimented with cocaine in college, and other drugs. I let him move in 2 months after my divorce...began for the first time to witness "signs' that something was not right...."leaving suddenly for hours"...small paraphernalia in the house...mood swings...long sleeping until noon on Saturdays...it drove me nuts and I told him to move out...he did, but we still continued to see each other because we have a bond that his addiction does not "Seem" (note I said "seem) to be able to break...and this is why it has taken me so long to make a quick clean cut out of the relationship..yes I have suffered..but I am stronger and making great strides...and yes HE IS STILL AN ADDICT/ALCOHOLIC.

His smile is infectious...he is funny...and he is a people magnet....most everyone he meets attaches to him......but I guess the most important thing is I continue to know HE IS AN ADDICT/ALCHOLIC. He reminds me a bit of the grandfather in "Little Miss Sunshine" played by Alan Arkin...anyone see that movie?

I do accept that unless a miracle happens, he is going to die....I guess deep inside I tell myself that I maybe can just ride out the storm and continue to embrace the "sober" part of him until he is gone...I dunno. He lives with his mom and sister, her 3 kids, all who enable.

If this sounds like a bunch of rationalizing psychobabble bull****...please have mercy on me guys.

Love you all...Love your advice....tough love or not....just know I'm still working on my recovery...myself and my kids first....its been a tough rollercoaster that I continue to get back on until recently.

Peace 2 you all.

kj3880

I want to share my EHS on this. I recently went through a brief relationship in recovery. Both of us were in recovery, and neither was using, but the junkie behavior was still so ingrained in him that he continued to do things like mentioned above.

He was real sweet when he needed money, not so much when his check came in. Real sweet when he needed help or wanted companionship or sex, not so much when he had something planned to do with his own friends. I got extremely tired of the roller coaster ride and just broke it off last week. Of course, then the sweet behavior kicked in when he tried to get me back, but too little, too late.

I just wanted to add this story to let you know that even if he stops using, the behavior patterns, the usery, takes more time to recover from. That recovery, for most addicts, is gradual, and takes a lot of step work. You may not want to wait for it. I didn't.

There are some addicts in recovery who still don't do step work or ever learn how to treat people in a love relationship. It isn't worth it for me. I can't bank on someone changing. From now on, if I don't like who the man is right now, I'm not interested. After all, I'm not supposed to have to raise a boyfriend.

At any rate, to wrap up, I won't be dating any more for some time. As my sponsor puts it, my picker is broken. I need to spend some time with me.

Love,
KJ

hello-kitty

I suggest drawing boundaries about the kind of behavior that you will and will not allow around your children. I try to live by that rule. Then no matter how infectious a person's smile is, I know that their bad behaviors won't be infectious to my child's future. Addict or not, I try to judge everyone by their behavior, and by the same standards.

My need for a relationship comes second to my child.

At one time that wasn't true. My need for a relationship was what got me involved with my sons addict father in the first place. My blinders were on and instead of focusing on his bad habits and behaviors, I focused on his smile, his quirky personality and qualities. I learned, thank God, that a relationship is between equals, not one desparate addict who is looking for someone to save him and someone who really needs to focus on saving herself.

sodetermined

I can relate to so many of the stories here.

I recently got back with my xabf (addict/alcoholic), the beginning of December. He is laid off from his job, and was having trouble getting unemployment, so he was broke. The entire month of December, I supported the both of us, bought his cigs, all the bills, even bought his entire family presents for Christmas. I helped do all the work to get his unemployment check. He was really sweet, "seemed" to be recovering, even went to meetings and Church.

Two days before Christmas, the computer showed that his check was approved. So, what this meant was that he was finally going to be receiving his unemployment (all at once), for the whole time he was off ($1700). Low and behold, the DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS, Chris left in the morning, came back drunk at 8:00, knowing full well it would cause problems for us.

So needless to say....we are now apart again, and he has all that money to spend on getting his booze/drugs.....and I am left struggling.

I see a phone call from him in the forseeable future, him saying he's sorry, the usual. This would be whenever his money runs out.

Sorry, too late! I may be a slow learner, but I'm learning, and I will not be fooled with his manipulation again.