Absent Father...
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3
Absent Father...
I am new to this.. but here goes...
I am 19, and my father was an abusive alcoholic, as well as doing other drugs. I have not seen him in about 10years. My parents split up when i was to young to remember it. It was like i woke up one day and he was gone. He stopped picking me up on the weekends. I sent birthday, fathers day cards and never got any response. After a couple months passed by, i realized that he would probably never come back.
My freshman year of high school my mom and brothers and i moved, but i still was in the same school district. My father had no idea where we lived or what our phone number was. The only thing he knew was where i should be in school. He made a couple calls to the school during my highschool years. Most of the time they would take messages but my senior year was different. My step-grandfather was in the hospital. i think the real reason he wanted to speak to me was to try to tell me that i should sign something that says he doesnt have to pay his back child support. I knew he was going to go to jail for it. To be honest, i didnt care.
One day, while i was in college my mom called me to tell me that my father was in jail. And i could see a updated photo of him on the internet and see his incarceration details. I was so scared, but i was also curious. I have so much hate to him for what he put me through and all the issues i have with expressing my feelings.
He is out now, and i think i found a current address for him, and if its not him its my grandfather... i have never been able to stand up to my father and tell him how much he has hurt me. i have thought about sending a letter.. i just dont know what to do....
Anyone have any advice?
Thanks...
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Dear Peace,
I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you as I have not beeen in your situation, stick around though and I'm sure someone who has will be along.
I just wanted to send you some good wishes, and say I am sorry that you have been put through this. There is another forum on this site as well that is specifically aimed at children of alcoholics/addicts, and I imagine you will find support there too,
good luck
:ghug
I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you as I have not beeen in your situation, stick around though and I'm sure someone who has will be along.
I just wanted to send you some good wishes, and say I am sorry that you have been put through this. There is another forum on this site as well that is specifically aimed at children of alcoholics/addicts, and I imagine you will find support there too,
good luck
:ghug
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome! I can certainly understand your anger at your father and your desire to tell him what you feel. It may or may not be a good idea. My initial suggestion is to write a letter to him (not necessarily to actually send to him) and spill it all out on paper. Thiscan help you fully express and start to work on your feelings and issues. Later if you truly think it would be helpful to you, then send that letter or a modified one.
You might want to look into meetings for Adult Children of Alcoholics or consider getting some individual therapy. The things that have gone on in your life, even thhough your father was largely absent have affected you. I'm now 54 and dealing with all the isssues that I have from growing up with 2 alcoholic parents.
You might want to look into meetings for Adult Children of Alcoholics or consider getting some individual therapy. The things that have gone on in your life, even thhough your father was largely absent have affected you. I'm now 54 and dealing with all the isssues that I have from growing up with 2 alcoholic parents.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
peace,
I think writing a letter is a great idea, but probably not for the same reason you do. Especially if you're working on a computer and can continue to edit/add/delete/change for a while, it can be a huge exercise in getting at all the weird feelings and resentments and hopes involved in a situation as troublesome as yours. You've got ten years of stuff you haven't gotten to say to him, you know? Pouring it out on paper is like the release valve on a boiler that's just building more and more pressure.
You don't have to send it if you don't end up wanting to. I mean....what's the purpose of sending it? He is not going to become a different person just because of a letter. If he was a man of integrity, he never would've done the things he did, right? If you send it to him, you need to really be sure you don't have any expectations of any certain response. Because there may not be one at all, or it may not be anything like what you expect, and either can be disturbing.
I'll tell you though: Just the exercise of getting it all out will free you. I worked with a counselor (a therapist, kinda) for the first time in my twenties, and it was a really amazing experience. Like a huge weight off my back.
You are bigger than whatever he did to you guys. Your life will be a hundred times better than his, just because you are already so self-aware.
Take care of yourself!!
GL
I think writing a letter is a great idea, but probably not for the same reason you do. Especially if you're working on a computer and can continue to edit/add/delete/change for a while, it can be a huge exercise in getting at all the weird feelings and resentments and hopes involved in a situation as troublesome as yours. You've got ten years of stuff you haven't gotten to say to him, you know? Pouring it out on paper is like the release valve on a boiler that's just building more and more pressure.
You don't have to send it if you don't end up wanting to. I mean....what's the purpose of sending it? He is not going to become a different person just because of a letter. If he was a man of integrity, he never would've done the things he did, right? If you send it to him, you need to really be sure you don't have any expectations of any certain response. Because there may not be one at all, or it may not be anything like what you expect, and either can be disturbing.
I'll tell you though: Just the exercise of getting it all out will free you. I worked with a counselor (a therapist, kinda) for the first time in my twenties, and it was a really amazing experience. Like a huge weight off my back.
You are bigger than whatever he did to you guys. Your life will be a hundred times better than his, just because you are already so self-aware.
Take care of yourself!!
GL
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Seconding everyone else's advice to write a letter, but not necessarily send it. We caution you not because you don't deserve some closure, but because with your dad's track record this will be another opportunity for him to (a) disappoint you, or (b) even worse, take advantage of you. Biologically speaking, he is your father, but not emotionally, physically, etc.
Some people may tell you, "but he's your father - you should talk/be close/forgive him."
Believe me when I say that the word "family" is not a license for neglect or abuse. Just because he's your father, he's not entitled to disappear from your life and then walk back in when he's ready (or even worse, scam you for money). He has no more special entitlement than what you *choose* to afford him. Don't let people who haven't walked in your shoes guilt you into thinking it's not a choice. For your own health it absolutely is.
"I have so much hate to him for what he put me through and all the issues i have with expressing my feelings."
Your father may have created these issues by being absent from your life; don't think that this means he can fix them. This is where some time with a good therapist can really help unravel these loose, volatile emotions, and then help you tie up the loose ends in a way that works for you. Think of it this way: if you had a broken leg, would you expect yourself to just get up and walk? It's the same for emotions, especially long-standing hurt. Sometimes you need a bit of a splint to figure out how to heal and work with these feelings (instead of against them). For many ACoAs, this comes as a bit of therapy, where we learn how to find validation without relying on the alcoholic parent. The alcoholic parent can't help you anyway, so you learn to help yourself. You don't have to always be afraid of expressing yourself, or fearing your own anger.
Is it fair? Hell no! But it will give you the fairest new start on life you can give yourself.
Welcome, and post as often as you like, PeaceNLove!
Some people may tell you, "but he's your father - you should talk/be close/forgive him."
Believe me when I say that the word "family" is not a license for neglect or abuse. Just because he's your father, he's not entitled to disappear from your life and then walk back in when he's ready (or even worse, scam you for money). He has no more special entitlement than what you *choose* to afford him. Don't let people who haven't walked in your shoes guilt you into thinking it's not a choice. For your own health it absolutely is.
"I have so much hate to him for what he put me through and all the issues i have with expressing my feelings."
Your father may have created these issues by being absent from your life; don't think that this means he can fix them. This is where some time with a good therapist can really help unravel these loose, volatile emotions, and then help you tie up the loose ends in a way that works for you. Think of it this way: if you had a broken leg, would you expect yourself to just get up and walk? It's the same for emotions, especially long-standing hurt. Sometimes you need a bit of a splint to figure out how to heal and work with these feelings (instead of against them). For many ACoAs, this comes as a bit of therapy, where we learn how to find validation without relying on the alcoholic parent. The alcoholic parent can't help you anyway, so you learn to help yourself. You don't have to always be afraid of expressing yourself, or fearing your own anger.
Is it fair? Hell no! But it will give you the fairest new start on life you can give yourself.
Welcome, and post as often as you like, PeaceNLove!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 4
I can completely understand. I've been there, not to long ago actually. My father and my mother divorced when I was 7. I was old enough to remember somethings but I have a lot of missing memories, I know I do. I have years missing from my mind. My father was in and out of my life from the time my mom and him divorced until I was about 8. Then I didn't hear from him until I was 11. He showed up at my house with a birthday card and a wedding invitation. I went to the wedding with the hopes that things would be different now and he would be around. Well I went to the wedding, saw my father then, but that night he was so drunk he couldn't take care of me. I found my aunt before she left to go back to her hotel and asked if I could go and stay in the hotel with them. I don't even know if my father knew I left until the next day. Talked to him for about a week after the wedding, then nothing until I was 14 when I called him. I asked him if we could get together one weekend and he said sure, he would call me back to plan a day and time. Never heard from him. I gave up. I had tried more than once and nothing good ever came of it.
Fast forward to recently. I am 24 now, almost two years ago, at 22 I called my aunt and got his phone number. I had written him this massively long letter, it was 4 pages typed. I needed to speak with him, I needed closure. It had been 8 years since I had talked to him and 11 years since I had seen him. When I got him on the phone I didn't read the letter, but it helped when I was talking to him. There were parts that I said to him. Things I needed to say at that moment. He apologized, said he made mistakes and was different, and blah, blah, blah. My husband and my daughters went over to his house to see him. Although he didn't drink while I was there I knew he hadn't changed. He cried his tears and told me his stories, none of which I know whether they are true or not. I kept in contact with him for about 11 months, on and off. He would call, always drunk. I guess he thought I couldn't tell the difference. Finally I couldn't do it anymore. I sent him an email, yes an email, telling him I was done. He was the man I always thought he was and I wasn't going to believe his tears or lies. I told him not to contact me ever again.
It felt good for myself to finally get out some of those feelings, BUT telling him didn't do anything because I know he doesn't care. The email made me feel better because I finally had the last say. I was finally able to be the one to say I'm done, you're done causing me pain. I am the one that walked away this time. That was a good feeling. I sent that email in June of 2008, haven't heard a peep from him since. And quite honestly I don't want to. I don't honestly care anymore about his well being. I don't care anymore what happens to him. It may sound bad but I wish karma would come and bite him in the butt, HARD. It wasn't just me I have two brothers, 10 and 12 years older than me. It was the same thing with them, in and out of there lives in the beginning until he just disappeared.
I completely understand your hatred. I really do. I hate the fact that this man still has so much control over my life. Because until I get better and start to be able to work on me what he has done to me will always control my life. Because of him I don't trust anyone, I am codependent, I try to please everyone, I fear abandonment bad. I test people to see if they'll leave. I depend on other people's happiness, if they aren't happy neither am I. I make decisions for everyone else and I rarely do anything for myself.
Ok well now I'm rambling...but...if it makes you feel better to write it I say go for it as well. But like someone said above, sending it just sets you up for more disappointment. If you think it will make you feel better to send it then go ahead, but be prepared for your father to act like nothing happened, and not give you what you are looking for! It ended ok for me because like I said to him, all I was looking for (but not expecting and didn't recieve) was closure, if us communicating again led to some kind of functional relationship then so be it but I definitely wasn't expecting it.
Best of luck to you in your decision
Fast forward to recently. I am 24 now, almost two years ago, at 22 I called my aunt and got his phone number. I had written him this massively long letter, it was 4 pages typed. I needed to speak with him, I needed closure. It had been 8 years since I had talked to him and 11 years since I had seen him. When I got him on the phone I didn't read the letter, but it helped when I was talking to him. There were parts that I said to him. Things I needed to say at that moment. He apologized, said he made mistakes and was different, and blah, blah, blah. My husband and my daughters went over to his house to see him. Although he didn't drink while I was there I knew he hadn't changed. He cried his tears and told me his stories, none of which I know whether they are true or not. I kept in contact with him for about 11 months, on and off. He would call, always drunk. I guess he thought I couldn't tell the difference. Finally I couldn't do it anymore. I sent him an email, yes an email, telling him I was done. He was the man I always thought he was and I wasn't going to believe his tears or lies. I told him not to contact me ever again.
It felt good for myself to finally get out some of those feelings, BUT telling him didn't do anything because I know he doesn't care. The email made me feel better because I finally had the last say. I was finally able to be the one to say I'm done, you're done causing me pain. I am the one that walked away this time. That was a good feeling. I sent that email in June of 2008, haven't heard a peep from him since. And quite honestly I don't want to. I don't honestly care anymore about his well being. I don't care anymore what happens to him. It may sound bad but I wish karma would come and bite him in the butt, HARD. It wasn't just me I have two brothers, 10 and 12 years older than me. It was the same thing with them, in and out of there lives in the beginning until he just disappeared.
I completely understand your hatred. I really do. I hate the fact that this man still has so much control over my life. Because until I get better and start to be able to work on me what he has done to me will always control my life. Because of him I don't trust anyone, I am codependent, I try to please everyone, I fear abandonment bad. I test people to see if they'll leave. I depend on other people's happiness, if they aren't happy neither am I. I make decisions for everyone else and I rarely do anything for myself.
Ok well now I'm rambling...but...if it makes you feel better to write it I say go for it as well. But like someone said above, sending it just sets you up for more disappointment. If you think it will make you feel better to send it then go ahead, but be prepared for your father to act like nothing happened, and not give you what you are looking for! It ended ok for me because like I said to him, all I was looking for (but not expecting and didn't recieve) was closure, if us communicating again led to some kind of functional relationship then so be it but I definitely wasn't expecting it.
Best of luck to you in your decision
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