Hello!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1
Hello!
Hi everyone,
I'm so happy I found this site. I'm really in a difficult position right now, but that's nothing new for me. I've spent most of my life creating a life of chaos.
I was very depressed and anxious as a kid so I tried my best to avoid others. I'm an only child so that goal was easily accomplished. I used to make up strange medical illnesses so I wouldn't have to go to school. I figured out how to do this pretty well at a young age. I also happened to develop asthma for which I was given an albuterol inhaler. I emptied every inhaler as soon as I got it. I loved the spinning dizzy feeling I got when I used it. I used to lie to my mother and tell her the medication would just evaporate or leak out. The doctors just gave her extras and I used them all. This was my first foray into abusing meds. Throughout my childhood I usd pills to help me sleep or just keep me sedated. At various times during my adulthood, I would overdose on over the counter pills so I would stay unconscious for a couple of days at a time. My last overdose was Christmas eve 2008.
While I was busy becoming a drug addict at the age of seven, I was already a food addict. I learned to lie about food and steal money to get it. My heaviest weight was 324lbs at the age of 29. I lost about 150lbs over the course of 2-3 years, but I've spent the past four years regaining 100lbs. I feel very ashamed. Most of the weight came back while I was binge eating due to cravings caused by some of the Bipolar Disorder medications was taking. I'm very ashamed of the weight gain. I feel truly disgusted by my body and I'm angry that I feel so out of control of my eating. I'm no longer on any medication for the BPD, and my manic-depressive symptoms are mild.
I've been in therapy for almost 20 years with various people. I've spent most of my life feeling suicidal so I've at least had the good sense to keep a therapist close by.
I've also spent money compulsively. I have incredible student loan debt, but I'm unable to curb my spending to the extent that I need to so I can save money and avoid being overdrawn every month. I owe the bank $1000 every two weeks because I overspend.
My addictive tendencies have led me to abuse porn and spend hours on net sex. Its been many years since this addiction has flared up. Now, I'm pretty sexually anorexic. My partner and I have not been intimate in six years.
I have abused alcohol periodically also. I drank and smoked pretty heavily during my junior year in college, but I managed to keep things under control for quite a while. When I went to graduate school I did not drink or smoke regularly. When I finished my degree in 2002, I got clean from just about everything and became extremely healthy. I felt great. I lived in Seattle and loved it. I eventually moved back to California and all of my good health habits changed for the worse. In 2005, I received a promotion at work, and that began the fast decline to my addictions becoming unmanageable and destructive. My drinking is still infrequent (i.e. less than once a month). However, when the cravings start they are insatiable until I have the drink. I can stop at one. But I usually feel like my life hangs in the balance until I get it. I have driven drunk once or twice and said stupid things frequently after drinking. My partner has a zero tolerance policy about my drinking. If she didn't I'm sure I would do it more. I love her and don't want to lose her.
I come from a family of drunks and junkies. I'm sure many of them were self-medicating their mental illness. My father was an alcoholic and my mother is emotionally disturbed. My father was a friendly and funny drunk and my mom was very scary and violent when she was paranoid or raging. My other maternal relatives were loud and violent when drunk,which was often.
I've been going to 12-step meetings of all types, because I feel like I need to hear how other keep from picking up. I know that I have the capacity to kill myself or at least ruin my life by acting on my compulsions and obsessions. I go mostly to AA because I appreciate the reality that is shared in the meetings. I do not see the same level of raw emotion and directness in other fellowships except NA. I often feel, however,that I do not belong in AA because I am not a "real alcoholic". I have not had any major negative consequences as a result of my drinking. I don't drink because I know that I abuse alcohol. I drink because I feel I need to, not because I like to do it. I can't stay on this road because I know that I will end up like most of the people in my family: dead or nearly dead as a result of my drinking.
I have never shared my story at an AA meeting, because I feel like I would be seen as an imposter. I do not have a sponsor for the same reason. I guess I don't want to be rejected. But I've been in the 12-step community since 2005 when I entered OA, but I've just spun faster out of control since that time. I've had periods of clean time and abstinence, but they don't last long. It only takes one stressor, and I'm channel-surfing for an addiction to act on.
I feel pretty desperate right and I'm feeling overwhelmed because I have so much damage to clean up from my previous acting out moments. I know I need help, but I'm not sure who or where to turn.
I'm very open to suggestions, at least I'm learning to be open.
Thank you so much for reading my story.
Gaia
I'm so happy I found this site. I'm really in a difficult position right now, but that's nothing new for me. I've spent most of my life creating a life of chaos.
I was very depressed and anxious as a kid so I tried my best to avoid others. I'm an only child so that goal was easily accomplished. I used to make up strange medical illnesses so I wouldn't have to go to school. I figured out how to do this pretty well at a young age. I also happened to develop asthma for which I was given an albuterol inhaler. I emptied every inhaler as soon as I got it. I loved the spinning dizzy feeling I got when I used it. I used to lie to my mother and tell her the medication would just evaporate or leak out. The doctors just gave her extras and I used them all. This was my first foray into abusing meds. Throughout my childhood I usd pills to help me sleep or just keep me sedated. At various times during my adulthood, I would overdose on over the counter pills so I would stay unconscious for a couple of days at a time. My last overdose was Christmas eve 2008.
While I was busy becoming a drug addict at the age of seven, I was already a food addict. I learned to lie about food and steal money to get it. My heaviest weight was 324lbs at the age of 29. I lost about 150lbs over the course of 2-3 years, but I've spent the past four years regaining 100lbs. I feel very ashamed. Most of the weight came back while I was binge eating due to cravings caused by some of the Bipolar Disorder medications was taking. I'm very ashamed of the weight gain. I feel truly disgusted by my body and I'm angry that I feel so out of control of my eating. I'm no longer on any medication for the BPD, and my manic-depressive symptoms are mild.
I've been in therapy for almost 20 years with various people. I've spent most of my life feeling suicidal so I've at least had the good sense to keep a therapist close by.
I've also spent money compulsively. I have incredible student loan debt, but I'm unable to curb my spending to the extent that I need to so I can save money and avoid being overdrawn every month. I owe the bank $1000 every two weeks because I overspend.
My addictive tendencies have led me to abuse porn and spend hours on net sex. Its been many years since this addiction has flared up. Now, I'm pretty sexually anorexic. My partner and I have not been intimate in six years.
I have abused alcohol periodically also. I drank and smoked pretty heavily during my junior year in college, but I managed to keep things under control for quite a while. When I went to graduate school I did not drink or smoke regularly. When I finished my degree in 2002, I got clean from just about everything and became extremely healthy. I felt great. I lived in Seattle and loved it. I eventually moved back to California and all of my good health habits changed for the worse. In 2005, I received a promotion at work, and that began the fast decline to my addictions becoming unmanageable and destructive. My drinking is still infrequent (i.e. less than once a month). However, when the cravings start they are insatiable until I have the drink. I can stop at one. But I usually feel like my life hangs in the balance until I get it. I have driven drunk once or twice and said stupid things frequently after drinking. My partner has a zero tolerance policy about my drinking. If she didn't I'm sure I would do it more. I love her and don't want to lose her.
I come from a family of drunks and junkies. I'm sure many of them were self-medicating their mental illness. My father was an alcoholic and my mother is emotionally disturbed. My father was a friendly and funny drunk and my mom was very scary and violent when she was paranoid or raging. My other maternal relatives were loud and violent when drunk,which was often.
I've been going to 12-step meetings of all types, because I feel like I need to hear how other keep from picking up. I know that I have the capacity to kill myself or at least ruin my life by acting on my compulsions and obsessions. I go mostly to AA because I appreciate the reality that is shared in the meetings. I do not see the same level of raw emotion and directness in other fellowships except NA. I often feel, however,that I do not belong in AA because I am not a "real alcoholic". I have not had any major negative consequences as a result of my drinking. I don't drink because I know that I abuse alcohol. I drink because I feel I need to, not because I like to do it. I can't stay on this road because I know that I will end up like most of the people in my family: dead or nearly dead as a result of my drinking.
I have never shared my story at an AA meeting, because I feel like I would be seen as an imposter. I do not have a sponsor for the same reason. I guess I don't want to be rejected. But I've been in the 12-step community since 2005 when I entered OA, but I've just spun faster out of control since that time. I've had periods of clean time and abstinence, but they don't last long. It only takes one stressor, and I'm channel-surfing for an addiction to act on.
I feel pretty desperate right and I'm feeling overwhelmed because I have so much damage to clean up from my previous acting out moments. I know I need help, but I'm not sure who or where to turn.
I'm very open to suggestions, at least I'm learning to be open.
Thank you so much for reading my story.
Gaia
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Glad you are here.
I dont go to meetings. So I dont know too much about them.
I would hardly think anyone would think you were an imposter tho.
I have suffered a great deal of weight gain in my addiciton as well.
I tend to compulsively eat. For comfort mostly.
Or maybe replacing drugs with eating, boredom.
There are countless ways to get help and support for all addicitons.
Outpatient programs, therapy. As you have stated.
Sites like this. Also you could find healthier things to do to fill your time.
Find a new hobby.
There is alot of info and support here.
Also speaking to a medical Dr about all this couldnt hurt.
Keep posting.
I dont go to meetings. So I dont know too much about them.
I would hardly think anyone would think you were an imposter tho.
I have suffered a great deal of weight gain in my addiciton as well.
I tend to compulsively eat. For comfort mostly.
Or maybe replacing drugs with eating, boredom.
There are countless ways to get help and support for all addicitons.
Outpatient programs, therapy. As you have stated.
Sites like this. Also you could find healthier things to do to fill your time.
Find a new hobby.
There is alot of info and support here.
Also speaking to a medical Dr about all this couldnt hurt.
Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Hi there! I found that getting into therapy (on top of my 12 step meetings) really helped me. I grew up with an alcoholic father and I was adopted at 2 (abused from the age of 1-2 yo) and I was shy and not "pretty" like my sister (she is my parent natural child). When I started adressing those issues sobriety seemed to get a little easier.
Drinking and using was just a symptom of my other problems. Getting those starghtened out helped turn my life around.
Today I can see my beauty. I have a strong body and I've been and am a great mother and a great wife, an awesome friend and I've been able to sponsor people and mentor them during their recovery. I am so blessed. None of it was easy but it has been so worth it.
Drinking and using was just a symptom of my other problems. Getting those starghtened out helped turn my life around.
Today I can see my beauty. I have a strong body and I've been and am a great mother and a great wife, an awesome friend and I've been able to sponsor people and mentor them during their recovery. I am so blessed. None of it was easy but it has been so worth it.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Gaia, welcome to our supportive family. I'm glad you found us. It's good that you're reaching out for help and support in winning over your addictive tendencies. AA could be helpful and I doubt anyone would think of you as an imposter. You're suffering from your addictions, plain and simple.
Keep coming back. We're here to support you in getting clean and sober.
:ghug3
Keep coming back. We're here to support you in getting clean and sober.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Hi - welcome to SR. I love this place and am here everyday, multiple times every day. It helps. We are not alone.
The only requirement for membership to AA is a desire to quit drinking. So if it is your sense of being an "imposter" that is holding you back, and since you seem to have the desire to quit, go ahead, embrace the program! I only say that because you mentioned that you appreciate what happens there.
Many achieve sobriety without AA, some really good folks here do.
Good luck and keep posting here...
Mark
The only requirement for membership to AA is a desire to quit drinking. So if it is your sense of being an "imposter" that is holding you back, and since you seem to have the desire to quit, go ahead, embrace the program! I only say that because you mentioned that you appreciate what happens there.
Many achieve sobriety without AA, some really good folks here do.
Good luck and keep posting here...
Mark
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