Diminished sex drive ...normal?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northern New Jersey
Posts: 74
Diminished sex drive ...normal?
I first met ABF early this summer.....he was 2 years sober, and all was well....though by the end of teh summer we fell out of touch...summer romance, right? Ha!
By fall he was drinking, and we were back in touch (as friends only)....he was passed out for a good chunk of each day - really went from 0 to 80 as far as his drinking once he started.
He is now about 80 days sober...and we are dating again.
But, it is a totally different ballgame as far as intimacy. We are much closer now in many ways, and when we are "together' it is a lot more special.....but, it is definitely a lot less frequent.
Is this normal? I know he has a lot on his plate, and I trying to be very understanding, but am wondering if this is a temporary thing or long-term. Has anyone else gone through this?
By fall he was drinking, and we were back in touch (as friends only)....he was passed out for a good chunk of each day - really went from 0 to 80 as far as his drinking once he started.
He is now about 80 days sober...and we are dating again.
But, it is a totally different ballgame as far as intimacy. We are much closer now in many ways, and when we are "together' it is a lot more special.....but, it is definitely a lot less frequent.
Is this normal? I know he has a lot on his plate, and I trying to be very understanding, but am wondering if this is a temporary thing or long-term. Has anyone else gone through this?
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
My friends who are in AA and NA often tell me that their sponsors recommend they don't date or get into a relationship for the first year of sobriety so that they can put all of their efforts and energy into getting and staying clean and sober.
In my relationships, the lack of intimacy was directly related to lack of trust, inconsistent behavior, violated boundaries etc.
Hopefully others will be along soon to share their ESH with this.
Cats
In my relationships, the lack of intimacy was directly related to lack of trust, inconsistent behavior, violated boundaries etc.
Hopefully others will be along soon to share their ESH with this.
Cats
Searching for Serenity
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 128
I'm going through something similar, but not the same. My fiancee and I used to be intimate very often and it was always very enjoyable (I'm trying to say this without offending anyone). But for the last year or so (the heaviest and most dishonest-to me- part of his drug use) it has been infrequent and unenjoyable. Basically I had to guilt him into having sex with me, and then it wasn't really fun for either of us because it wasn't really something that he wanted to do, it was just something he did to avoid another argument. Then, he was in treatment for 28 days and towards the end of his treatment we talked a little more about sex, with each other and our counselor and everyone seemed to agree that it was the drugs that took away his libido and things would be much better now. So, after he got home from treatment in Nov., "things" were great for a few days, and now we're back to never again. He says he doesn't understand why and that one of his recovering friends agrees that he feels the same way. he says he wants to want to have sex, but he just doesn't. That he likes the idea of sex, but then he doesn't want to actually go through with it.
He says he thinks the problem is that for most of his sexually active life, he's been using and that it's hard for his brain to want to be intimate without also having drugs in his system.
This is something that is hard for me to understand because I don't have an addiction and it is difficult for me to cope with because I want to have sex and he gave me the impression that things would be better.
Did that help? I don't know whether it's long term or not, it's only been a few months for me. But now you know you're not the only one.
He says he thinks the problem is that for most of his sexually active life, he's been using and that it's hard for his brain to want to be intimate without also having drugs in his system.
This is something that is hard for me to understand because I don't have an addiction and it is difficult for me to cope with because I want to have sex and he gave me the impression that things would be better.
Did that help? I don't know whether it's long term or not, it's only been a few months for me. But now you know you're not the only one.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
jersey, is he on any sort of prescribed medicine? TONS of those have sexual side effects. Antidepressents are some of the worst; I didn't have even a flake of physical desire when I was on them. 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
For the past 2 years i hadnt wanted to have sex with my exabf.
He was always drunk when he wanted it, which put me off straight away, i had lost all my trust and respect for him and i just had no want for it anymore.
I have a sex drive but just not with him.
He was always drunk when he wanted it, which put me off straight away, i had lost all my trust and respect for him and i just had no want for it anymore.
I have a sex drive but just not with him.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
Originally Posted by k1a2t3h4r5y6n7 
I wouldn't think that a 36 year old would lose that much sex drive.
That's not very old.
That's not very old.
Searching for Serenity
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 128
it's been a while since i've been on here. but here's my update:
so, now he has basically gone from not wanting to have sex to not wanting to be intimate at all.
when i come home from work, i get a little peck on the cheek or mouth and a "hey" and i only even get that if i approach him and pucker up my lips, he never iniates it.
every now and then, first thing in the morning he'll rub my back or give me a hug as i'm walking by. but he doesn't want to snuggle with me at night, he doesn't want to talk about anything if it doesn't revolve around him.
if i bring up a problem that i'm having (outside of our relationship), because it's bothering me and i just want to talk about it, he always turns it around on me and gives me that "it's not really my problem, i need to focus on me, why are you worrying so much about something that you can't control, just drop it, youre not going to make me feel bad about this, and you need to stop feeling bad about it too."
in counseling he always tells me that i keep my feelings bottled up and i need to talk to him about how i'm feeling. but then, when i bring up something (such as, "i'm concerned about my brother because he's really been struggling at work and i think he's having a hard time supporting his family financially right now") he starts an argument and always makes me feel really bad about myself.
he never wants to have sex, he never wants to kiss me or hug me, he never wants to talk about anything unless it's something that happened at his meeting tonight and i'm supposed to drop everything and give my full attention to him.
And GOD FORBID i mention ANYTHING about his job search. I know it's tough to find employment right now, but yesterday a company that he had applied for a job at had a job fair and i mentioned it was coming up a few days ago. he said "they're not looking for [his position], they're looking for the part time people." (this company employees mentors to work with mentally challenged adults and children, but he had applied for a different job) i said "well, maybe it would still be nice if you went, and you could see the human resources guy and just tell him that you're here because you wanted to find out more about the company"
yesterday before i left for work i said "that job fair is today" and he gave me a look that could freeze boiling water.
so basically, i just have no desire to speak to him. because it's not even so much about sex anymore. it's about his complete lack of interest in anything that interests me and his inconsiderate behavior in every aspect of our relationship.
so, now he has basically gone from not wanting to have sex to not wanting to be intimate at all.
when i come home from work, i get a little peck on the cheek or mouth and a "hey" and i only even get that if i approach him and pucker up my lips, he never iniates it.
every now and then, first thing in the morning he'll rub my back or give me a hug as i'm walking by. but he doesn't want to snuggle with me at night, he doesn't want to talk about anything if it doesn't revolve around him.
if i bring up a problem that i'm having (outside of our relationship), because it's bothering me and i just want to talk about it, he always turns it around on me and gives me that "it's not really my problem, i need to focus on me, why are you worrying so much about something that you can't control, just drop it, youre not going to make me feel bad about this, and you need to stop feeling bad about it too."
in counseling he always tells me that i keep my feelings bottled up and i need to talk to him about how i'm feeling. but then, when i bring up something (such as, "i'm concerned about my brother because he's really been struggling at work and i think he's having a hard time supporting his family financially right now") he starts an argument and always makes me feel really bad about myself.
he never wants to have sex, he never wants to kiss me or hug me, he never wants to talk about anything unless it's something that happened at his meeting tonight and i'm supposed to drop everything and give my full attention to him.
And GOD FORBID i mention ANYTHING about his job search. I know it's tough to find employment right now, but yesterday a company that he had applied for a job at had a job fair and i mentioned it was coming up a few days ago. he said "they're not looking for [his position], they're looking for the part time people." (this company employees mentors to work with mentally challenged adults and children, but he had applied for a different job) i said "well, maybe it would still be nice if you went, and you could see the human resources guy and just tell him that you're here because you wanted to find out more about the company"
yesterday before i left for work i said "that job fair is today" and he gave me a look that could freeze boiling water.
so basically, i just have no desire to speak to him. because it's not even so much about sex anymore. it's about his complete lack of interest in anything that interests me and his inconsiderate behavior in every aspect of our relationship.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
K, am I reading right that you guys are in couples counseling?
Have you thought about printing out your words and taking them along to your next session? Is it possible he's not aware he's doing this, or that he's interpreting it entirely different than you are? Are there some specific things you can do differently - with the help of a counselor - that might change the icky dynamic you find yourself in?
I think you deserve to be happy in your relationship, but only you know when there's nothing left there to work on.....wishing you the best
Have you thought about printing out your words and taking them along to your next session? Is it possible he's not aware he's doing this, or that he's interpreting it entirely different than you are? Are there some specific things you can do differently - with the help of a counselor - that might change the icky dynamic you find yourself in?
I think you deserve to be happy in your relationship, but only you know when there's nothing left there to work on.....wishing you the best
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I'm right along with Sam on the intimacy. Things were great at first, conventional but great it seemed for both of us. I expected as our relationship matured our romantic relationship might dim, but I did not expect it to drop like a rock. I also didn't expect to have to pursue him as much I did.
For years I blamed it on my own appeal . I gained weight so I crashed dieted and lost the weight, changed my look and tried different things to intrigue him. Nothing seemed to make any difference. If he was interested he was often too drunk to do anything about it, and his intoxication was always a turn off for me.
I kept trying but eventually, things fizzled entirely. I was shocked one day when I actually thought about it and realized it had been two years.
In looking back I associate the loss with a multitude of causes from opposite schedules at times to his drinking to my binge eating to aging libidos.
To answer your question JerseyGirl, it's been a long-term thing in my experience.
For years I blamed it on my own appeal . I gained weight so I crashed dieted and lost the weight, changed my look and tried different things to intrigue him. Nothing seemed to make any difference. If he was interested he was often too drunk to do anything about it, and his intoxication was always a turn off for me.
I kept trying but eventually, things fizzled entirely. I was shocked one day when I actually thought about it and realized it had been two years.
In looking back I associate the loss with a multitude of causes from opposite schedules at times to his drinking to my binge eating to aging libidos.
To answer your question JerseyGirl, it's been a long-term thing in my experience.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Jersey
When I arrived home from working a 9-11 PM maintenance window, ex ABF kept in his room, listening to his music, playing his videogame. When I passed next to his room (I had my things in a separate room) he did not even say "hi". This obviously, made me feel non- existant. What was the point of living with someone if it was the same as living alone? Living alone without expecting anything was a much better prospect!
Is this guy good enough for k1a2t3h4r5y6n7? It sounds as he is probably settling, and i find it great that he is focusing on his program, however I do not find so great thast he is hurting you while he works on his issues. Is there a way you two can take a break while he moves forward? Only you know what to do of course, but they recommend the one-year single life at AA for a reason. And you do not have to endure the rocky road of the first recovery stages. Perhaps the gift you can give him is some space to get his new act together. And you can also take advantage of this and focus in you and your activities.
This all sounds much easier from the outside, I know. I hope the best for both of you.
Good luck!
When I arrived home from working a 9-11 PM maintenance window, ex ABF kept in his room, listening to his music, playing his videogame. When I passed next to his room (I had my things in a separate room) he did not even say "hi". This obviously, made me feel non- existant. What was the point of living with someone if it was the same as living alone? Living alone without expecting anything was a much better prospect!
Is this guy good enough for k1a2t3h4r5y6n7? It sounds as he is probably settling, and i find it great that he is focusing on his program, however I do not find so great thast he is hurting you while he works on his issues. Is there a way you two can take a break while he moves forward? Only you know what to do of course, but they recommend the one-year single life at AA for a reason. And you do not have to endure the rocky road of the first recovery stages. Perhaps the gift you can give him is some space to get his new act together. And you can also take advantage of this and focus in you and your activities.
This all sounds much easier from the outside, I know. I hope the best for both of you.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Kansas City,Mo
Posts: 3
I am having a similar situation...my husband just returned from a 45 day stint at rehab and things are really weird? He is not going to his AA meetings, he says that it is because he wants to settle in? I don't trust him, naturally, but I am at a loss at what to do? Also, his sex drive is totally gone! He tried, but nothing. He is on an antidepressant. Can someone give me some insight?
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Over the Rainbow
Posts: 24
Wow.......I just posted on this. I'm in the same boat except my AH doesn't think he has a problem. He isn't in treatment of any kind except his affair with Jim Beam! Don't they miss US? AH want talk to me about it. This damn disease has made me a born again virgin...........lol
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by alishab1
I am having a similar situation...my husband just returned from a 45 day stint at rehab and things are really weird? He is not going to his AA meetings, he says that it is because he wants to settle in? I don't trust him, naturally, but I am at a loss at what to do? Also, his sex drive is totally gone! He tried, but nothing. He is on an antidepressant. Can someone give me some insight?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Sarasota, Florida
Posts: 4
Completely Normal
Once someone get's sober it's a whole new ballgame. The inhibition's that were so easily cast aside while using resurface when you are sober. There can be unease and insecurity of performance. From a male point of view a guy can worry about going a little to fast and leaving you hanging, which can cause alot of guilt. Ya just have to take your time and let things happen naturally and if it is meant to be, so it will be. as they say " Rome wasn't built in a day," and a really good relationship, meaning Love, Trust, Giving, and Sex also takes time. The really good ones have quality not quantity. Been there--Done that !!! 
WOLF
WOLF
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
I think it's normal.. 80 days is a drop in the provebial bucket. He's probably going through a lot in his head, and trying to rediscover himself, love himself, and just get to the point of looking in the mirror being happy with what he sees. It's a fragile time. I've been sober for 5 months, today actually.. and I know that I have had to live in my head and within myself quite a bit, especially at first. I had to get to know myself, I had no idea who I was.. before I could offer myself fully to anyone else whether it was intimately, or platonically. It's a bit traumatic.. a life change.. a stripping away everything he knew..
Give it time.. he'll be able to share himself more with you after he gets a bit further away from that last drink I bet.
Give it time.. he'll be able to share himself more with you after he gets a bit further away from that last drink I bet.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Kansas City,Mo
Posts: 3
Thanks so much
I go through good days and bad days. I am having so many different emotions surface since he's been back. I am trying to stay calm and talk things through...but it is so difficult when his "disease" has hurt me so badly. It's hard to separate. It's great to know have support!!!!!
I go through good days and bad days. I am having so many different emotions surface since he's been back. I am trying to stay calm and talk things through...but it is so difficult when his "disease" has hurt me so badly. It's hard to separate. It's great to know have support!!!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by alishab1
Thanks so much I go through good days and bad days. I am having so many different emotions surface since he's been back. I am trying to stay calm and talk things through...but it is so difficult when his "disease" has hurt me so badly. It's hard to separate. It's great to know have support!!!!!
I go through good days and bad days. I am having so many different emotions surface since he's been back. I am trying to stay calm and talk things through...but it is so difficult when his "disease" has hurt me so badly. It's hard to separate. It's great to know have support!!!!!Do you have any source of support like Alanon or Naranon to help you heal from the effects of his alcoholism? Face-to-face meetings with people who have been where you are can be a tremendous help.
:ghug
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