I'm new. Hi.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I'm new. Hi.
I'm new to recovery and to the forums, and I thought I should introduce myself.
So here's goes....
I've been with my alcoholic boyfriend for 10 years. No kids. No wedding. Just us and our menagerie of animals.
Throughout our relationship, he drank. A few beers after work when he was employed. Far more if he wasn't working.
Without the beer, he's my best friend. We talk about anything and everything, and we haven't run out of things to laugh about.
With the beer, he's a venous flytrap. He starts a conversation or gets me laughing, and then once he's engaged me, he turns dark. Snarky comments, insults, and rage. All in varying degrees.
I realize I've ridden the roller coaster now for a decade, and everything I have tried to help him fails. He promises to quit with brief stints of abstinence, but it always comes back. It's exhausting thinking about what I could have done differently.
He is what I've heard is called a functional alcoholic. He binges around his work schedule with his heaviest spells on the weekends.
His latest pattern is to park near the house (private property of his employer) and drink before coming home. He may drink a little or a lot, and I have no way of knowing how much until he comes home and unleashes.
I've tried all the sad tactics, threatening, pleading, compromising, and retreating. It works for the short term, but he just finds a new pattern and comes up with new ways to rationalize it. I'm always to blame in one way or another.
I hit my own bottom not too long ago with an eating disorder. I had finally had enough of not feeling well and hating myself and thought if I improved my own health, I'd be stronger and could leave, or I could inspire him to get healthy, too.
Along the way, I have become very focused on me. I have found a healthier life and look forward to accomplishing more of my goals. Only when it comes to stress induced by his drinking do I really struggle. I'm easily derailed by him.
His latest binge went much the same as all the others only this time I had accomplished a personal goal I had set for myself, and was really feeling empowered. I made a conscious decision that, rather than getting brought down by what would happen when he finally came home, I decided to research Al-Anon and recovery information. Mostly, I wanted to find some advice on what to say to him when he would inevitably come through the door in one state or another (tipsy and rambling or all out blitz and spoiling for a fight).
What I found was a revelation!
I'm working Step 1 and trying to put some intentions down in writing. I've also finally opened up to my mother, who was very surprised to hear of all of it. In talking with her and letting it all out, I realized just how much of a show I've been putting on for so long.
I've not attended an Al-Anon meeting yet, but I really want to. I'm a work-at-home recluse type and group interactions can set me back a bit.
Phew! Hope that wasn't too long.
I'd like to start with a question of the group here if I could. I have not told him that I want to start recovery (I guess it's really a new phase in my recovery). How do I do that without triggering him???
I have a strong suspicion he knows and is waiting for me to say something. Which means he's probably got a long line of excuses planned.
Any ideas?
So here's goes....
I've been with my alcoholic boyfriend for 10 years. No kids. No wedding. Just us and our menagerie of animals.
Throughout our relationship, he drank. A few beers after work when he was employed. Far more if he wasn't working.
Without the beer, he's my best friend. We talk about anything and everything, and we haven't run out of things to laugh about.
With the beer, he's a venous flytrap. He starts a conversation or gets me laughing, and then once he's engaged me, he turns dark. Snarky comments, insults, and rage. All in varying degrees.
I realize I've ridden the roller coaster now for a decade, and everything I have tried to help him fails. He promises to quit with brief stints of abstinence, but it always comes back. It's exhausting thinking about what I could have done differently.
He is what I've heard is called a functional alcoholic. He binges around his work schedule with his heaviest spells on the weekends.
His latest pattern is to park near the house (private property of his employer) and drink before coming home. He may drink a little or a lot, and I have no way of knowing how much until he comes home and unleashes.
I've tried all the sad tactics, threatening, pleading, compromising, and retreating. It works for the short term, but he just finds a new pattern and comes up with new ways to rationalize it. I'm always to blame in one way or another.
I hit my own bottom not too long ago with an eating disorder. I had finally had enough of not feeling well and hating myself and thought if I improved my own health, I'd be stronger and could leave, or I could inspire him to get healthy, too.
Along the way, I have become very focused on me. I have found a healthier life and look forward to accomplishing more of my goals. Only when it comes to stress induced by his drinking do I really struggle. I'm easily derailed by him.
His latest binge went much the same as all the others only this time I had accomplished a personal goal I had set for myself, and was really feeling empowered. I made a conscious decision that, rather than getting brought down by what would happen when he finally came home, I decided to research Al-Anon and recovery information. Mostly, I wanted to find some advice on what to say to him when he would inevitably come through the door in one state or another (tipsy and rambling or all out blitz and spoiling for a fight).
What I found was a revelation!
I'm working Step 1 and trying to put some intentions down in writing. I've also finally opened up to my mother, who was very surprised to hear of all of it. In talking with her and letting it all out, I realized just how much of a show I've been putting on for so long.
I've not attended an Al-Anon meeting yet, but I really want to. I'm a work-at-home recluse type and group interactions can set me back a bit.
Phew! Hope that wasn't too long.
I'd like to start with a question of the group here if I could. I have not told him that I want to start recovery (I guess it's really a new phase in my recovery). How do I do that without triggering him???
I have a strong suspicion he knows and is waiting for me to say something. Which means he's probably got a long line of excuses planned.
Any ideas?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Alice,
Welcome to this place -- it's great to have you here! You ask how to tell your BF that you plan to start a recovery program. I think you are too late -- you have ALREADY begun one, with your research into Al-Anon, step work (have you found the step work threads here? very cool), and finding SoberRecovery. Did it trigger him?
So I have a question in response to your question:
Why does he need to know that you're working on a recovery program? This is something you're doing for YOU, not to elicit any particular reaction from him, correct? It is not his to own, nor his to control. So I'm wondering what business it is of his, especially if you think he will perceive it as a threat.
I'd love to hear your first reactions to that question.....what's going through your mind around that?
Big hugs to you -- you are on such a great road to wisdom and inner strength.
Welcome to this place -- it's great to have you here! You ask how to tell your BF that you plan to start a recovery program. I think you are too late -- you have ALREADY begun one, with your research into Al-Anon, step work (have you found the step work threads here? very cool), and finding SoberRecovery. Did it trigger him?
So I have a question in response to your question:
Why does he need to know that you're working on a recovery program? This is something you're doing for YOU, not to elicit any particular reaction from him, correct? It is not his to own, nor his to control. So I'm wondering what business it is of his, especially if you think he will perceive it as a threat.
I'd love to hear your first reactions to that question.....what's going through your mind around that?
Big hugs to you -- you are on such a great road to wisdom and inner strength.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Thank you all!!
GL, my first reaction is "you're damn right." I didn't announce to him my intention to seek help with my own problems. I didn't rely on positive feedback from him to continue no matter how rough or how slow the progress.
Your absolutely right. Whether he knows or not is irrelevant. He doesn't want to accept the idea that his drinking has any affect on me, why should I expect him to accept my seeking recovery. Why should I hide it either? He doesn't hide when he drinks too much.
Thank you anvilhead. Would you mind repeating that to me, say, same time every day??? Just kidding.
GL, my first reaction is "you're damn right." I didn't announce to him my intention to seek help with my own problems. I didn't rely on positive feedback from him to continue no matter how rough or how slow the progress.
Your absolutely right. Whether he knows or not is irrelevant. He doesn't want to accept the idea that his drinking has any affect on me, why should I expect him to accept my seeking recovery. Why should I hide it either? He doesn't hide when he drinks too much.
Thank you anvilhead. Would you mind repeating that to me, say, same time every day??? Just kidding.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Can't add much to what the others have already said....good for you! You go! 
Have to admit that I'm not much of a "group" person myself, but I found Al-Anon meetings to be great! Don't be afraid to take that step.
Good luck! Keep us posted!!
HG
Have to admit that I'm not much of a "group" person myself, but I found Al-Anon meetings to be great! Don't be afraid to take that step.
Good luck! Keep us posted!!
HG
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: london england
Posts: 6
hi alice ,,,, my story is so simular to yours its scary ,,,, i think the fact that you are empowering yourself is fantastic and i agree with everyone else that you should attend the al anon metting to give you the extra support you need ,,,, im defentley going to one next monday as im at the end of the line ,,,, please keep in touch and pm anytime you need to talk and i will also if that ok xxxx stay strong take care wendy
Lost
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Gilbert, AZ
Posts: 14
Hi Alice,
I also recently spilled the beans to my mom about what I have been dealing with for the last 7 years. I don't know why I never said anything to begin with but the longer and longer I went without telling her the harder it became. I felt horrible at first because we just recently started building a relationship and I felt like this would be a terrible strain on our relationship. She was disappointed I hadn't opened up sooner but is very supportive. She dealt with my alcoholic father and is still dealing with my alcoholic brothers unfortunetly she continues to enable my brother and isn't ready to make a change yet. I pray that she will be ready soon. I could say that I wish to inspire her through my recovery but I really just want to do this for myself and my kids. It's too much to think of anything else right now.
I also recently spilled the beans to my mom about what I have been dealing with for the last 7 years. I don't know why I never said anything to begin with but the longer and longer I went without telling her the harder it became. I felt horrible at first because we just recently started building a relationship and I felt like this would be a terrible strain on our relationship. She was disappointed I hadn't opened up sooner but is very supportive. She dealt with my alcoholic father and is still dealing with my alcoholic brothers unfortunetly she continues to enable my brother and isn't ready to make a change yet. I pray that she will be ready soon. I could say that I wish to inspire her through my recovery but I really just want to do this for myself and my kids. It's too much to think of anything else right now.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
