sodetermined

I have had no contact with XABF. I am hearing from people that he's up to no good (as far as back to drugs again), and that the OW really will not take him back and will only be his friend. I will admit that I felt relieved to learn this.

I'm doing ok, I stayed busy this whole weekend with the little man and had some other kids over...sort of just tried not thinking about it too much. Yesterday was a tough day for me as far as anger goes. I was mad as heck, discouraged about everything. I read on SR, and did some more step one work last night.

Today, I am having mixed feelings. I miss him, and I want to call him, just to hear his voice, say hello, and see how he is, be nice to him, be a friend to him. The other part of me is so damn angry he was so quick to try and get back with her again. I am sad for him, that he is choosing drugs and alcohol for his life right now, that he just can't see what I see. The bad part is, I know I shouldn't call. But knowing this, if I could think of anything to say, I WOULD call, just to hear his voice. But I can't. I mean there is nothing to talk about really. And I guess it would be counterproductive to my recovery, because for the last few days I've just really been trying to accept that it's over, I will never be with Chris, really just let go. It's hard.

Barbara52

Perhaps try to think of it as you are fighting your need to get a fix of your drug of choice. You know you can't give into that craving. Acknowledge that craving but continue to fight it and take another step toward your recovery. One day at a time is not jsut a slogan. It describes how we fight our own codependent addictions too.

GiveLove

That is so true, sodetermined.

He IS your drug, and you know this. Even though he's caused you pain, turned your life & heart upside-down, really treated you incredibly badly, you STILL crave his voice.

Doesn't that sound like a drug to you?

If your son came to you, 20 years from now, and said he was craving drugs, what would you tell him? Give in?

Be strong. BE angry. But don't give in. It just keeps this cycle going and going and going, just like addiction. Not to mention the fact that you KNOW Chris has the power to manipulate you whenever you speak. Or is that what you're secretly hoping for? That he'll talk you into letting him back AGAIN ?

sodetermined

Gosh, Barbara and what you said is SO true. I mean my stomach is one big mess right now.

Well I am trying to play the tape all the way through, and even if I called just to say hi, see how he is...he will react one of two ways...either start blaming me, and being mean, or use it to his advantage to try and wiggle back in. I wouldn't expect anything, I have learned not to. But I am not to the point (I don't think), to where I could call and say hello and NOT be affected by his reaction, or anything he might say.

sodetermined

He is my DOC. He is.

This is all so mind boggling, it really is hard to understand. I know I'm ok without Chris. I know that I'm working to be a better mom, better person. I know that I want a better life. And I also know that I have to be done with Chris in order to have a better life.

But how do you figure out what's missing, inside, and fix that?

I'm still waiting to hear back from the psychiatrist, apparently I'm not the only one needing help!

sodetermined

This is what I have yet to figure out.

GiveLove

How long have you been waiting ? You know that old adage about "the squeaky wheel gets the grease". Get in his face if you need to - this is IMPORTANT.

sodetermined

GL, I called and left a message on Thursday. I tried calling yesterday, and I got a recording that said the message inbox was full. Go figure.

I have heard this is one that specializes in addictions/codependency, that is why I haven't called around for anyone else yet, but I will.

sodetermined

Well I have been going to Al-Anon, (I went two weeks in a row) but didn't go last night b/c of the roads (we had white-outs, blizzard like conditions). That's why I did the step work at least.

We do have a Help-Net here at work, so maybe I should go that route if I don't hear back from the other Dr. today.

Bernadette

But I am not to the point (I don't think), to where I could call and say hello and NOT be affected by his reaction, or anything he might say.

then please please don't CALL him!!!

Instead you could:
draw a picture
take a shower
scream into a pillow
take a walk
teach yourself how to make pizza or bread or pretzels
clean out one drawer, closet or cupboard
build forts with Ryan out of sheets, chairs, couch pillows
play hide and seek
invite a friend over for tea
go to an AlAnon meeting
go ice skating
do 20 jumping jacks
plan a dream garden for spring, draw it out
blast music and dance

do whatever it takes to keep yourself away from your DOC!!!!

One minute, one hour, one day at a time.

You figure out what's missing inside by continuing to ask questions and seek answers. But don't look in the same old places expecting new answers-- Chris does NOT have the answers for you-- they are inside YOU!!!
stay strong until your next meeting or until you get into that counseling appt.!!
peace-
B.

sodetermined

Bernadette, those are some great suggestions! THANK YOU ALL!


:ghug3