Something that gives myself a better insight...
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
Something that gives myself a better insight...
Okay so leaving and saying you're leaving are hugely different. I'm sure most of us have been there, done that. All of the emotions we feel from false feelings of guilt for leaving, to marital vows "forever", to family guilting us, etc..
The thing I've found that has been helping me is to think of what I would do if someone else did the things to me that he's done and continued to do.
If someone else verbally abused me, manipulated me, pushed me, yelled/screamed at me the way he did even once I'd of dropped that friendship the first time, let alone all the years I put up with it from AH.
I still care for him because at times he's a good person and the man I married.
Reality of our situation though is that it's smothering, nerve wracking and manipulative. I'm not saying I did nothing wrong or that at times I didn't intentionally provoke him becaue I was mad, but if I'd of talked to him or treated him like he's done me he'd of left me with 2 black eyes.
The thing I've found that has been helping me is to think of what I would do if someone else did the things to me that he's done and continued to do.
If someone else verbally abused me, manipulated me, pushed me, yelled/screamed at me the way he did even once I'd of dropped that friendship the first time, let alone all the years I put up with it from AH.
I still care for him because at times he's a good person and the man I married.
Reality of our situation though is that it's smothering, nerve wracking and manipulative. I'm not saying I did nothing wrong or that at times I didn't intentionally provoke him becaue I was mad, but if I'd of talked to him or treated him like he's done me he'd of left me with 2 black eyes.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: NOVA
Posts: 49
inahaze,
I can appreciate your personal insight. I think we all tend to go through self-evaluation to help us make since of the relationships we choose to put up with while dealing with an alcoholic loved ones. The rollercoaster of emotions are so real. And I continue to ask myself when is enough really enough.
I use to try to convince myself that I had to stay "for better or for worst", but I realized that those vows were not related to staying in an abusive/sick relationship. I wanted to believed that my AH could be a better man if he just tried harder. Apparently we have different ideas of what that meant.
Now my focus is less on him and more about what will make me happy. Although I'm new to recovery, I'm quickly learning (reading) that I have to turn the attention away from him and on to myself. I can't take back the time I've lost waiting for him to change, or change the horrible exchange of words between us, but I can look ahead and know that I have the power to change me and how I react to his behavior.
I can appreciate your personal insight. I think we all tend to go through self-evaluation to help us make since of the relationships we choose to put up with while dealing with an alcoholic loved ones. The rollercoaster of emotions are so real. And I continue to ask myself when is enough really enough.
I use to try to convince myself that I had to stay "for better or for worst", but I realized that those vows were not related to staying in an abusive/sick relationship. I wanted to believed that my AH could be a better man if he just tried harder. Apparently we have different ideas of what that meant.
Now my focus is less on him and more about what will make me happy. Although I'm new to recovery, I'm quickly learning (reading) that I have to turn the attention away from him and on to myself. I can't take back the time I've lost waiting for him to change, or change the horrible exchange of words between us, but I can look ahead and know that I have the power to change me and how I react to his behavior.
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