LaTeeDa

It’s been quite a long time since I posted an update on my situation. Since my divorce, things have been pretty good, all things considered.

A recap of how I got here: Married 18 years, separated in 2005, tried to reconcile in 2006 after he got sober, divorced in 2008 after dragging my feet and finding my way. Two children, now ages 16 and 12. Many months of therapy for all of us, hoping to break patterns that go back generations in my family and his, too. You can go back and read my history on this site if you want to know details.

So, right before Thanksgiving, he announced that he was moving to Alaska. I was angry and troubled. He has been sober for three years at this point, and the first thing that came to my mind that he was going there so he could go back to drinking without anyone (his kids) to hold him accountable. It made me sad that the children had just started to know their dad sober, and then he up and leaves. We had a nice arrangement where they would spend every other weekend with him and everyone was adjusting nicely. I gave up child support in the divorce in exchange for keeping the house and owing him nothing for the equity. We all know that in this market, I got the short end of that deal, but I was okay with that knowing that I wouldn’t be chasing a check for years. I have a good job and a nice income, so it was best for everyone. He agreed to pay half of “extra expenses,” which included braces for my daughter, extracurricular activities at school, etc.

He moved on Dec. 15th. He sent the kids a webcam so they could keep in touch. And they did for a few weeks. Now, the last two checks he wrote me for expenses have bounced, I got a letter from his ex-landlord begging for his forwarding address, and his children have been unable to contact him for the last week. This is all very ominous. I do not assume he is drinking again, but I cannot help but wonder.

So, this is a heads-up to those of you who think that if your spouse would only stop drinking, things would be fine. It is the behavior that matters, not so much the drinking. He may or may not be drinking again, but the behavior has not changed. He is still irresponsible, immature, and incapable of doing the next right thing. And I could not be happier that I made the decision to sever my marital ties to him.

My kids and I are still doing well, and I will keep you posted……………..

L

Daisy30

Glad to hear things are good with you and the kids.

It is a nice reminder that the Alcoholism isn't to blame for everything

thanks LTD!

kingston

"So, this is a heads-up to those of you who think that if your spouse would only stop drinking, things would be fine. It is the behavior that matters, not so much the drinking. He may or may not be drinking again, but the behavior has not changed. He is still irresponsible, immature, and incapable of doing the next right thing. And I could not be happier that I made the decision to sever my marital ties to him"

Thanks for the update LTD. My AH of 20+ years was also sober for 3 years but still maintained the same old behaviors and like alcohol abuse his behaviors got worse as time went on.

When I left him he was 55 years old, no job, no prospect of a job, no savings, zero in the bank and a car that was falling apart. After being sober for 3 years he was falling down drunk within a few hours of finding out that I had left. Within two weeks he had hooked up with a woman he knew 15 years ago.

This is a good reminder that even though the A's aren't drinking they still have the behaviors that helped them to drink.

I'm happy too that I'm not with him - I'm still dealing with those moments of what if......

GiveLove

An (alcoholic) friend once snarled at me, "Being alcoholic doesn't mean I'm a bad person, and sobriety doesn't mean I'm a good person."

She was so right.

Thanks for the update and the reminder, LTD.

Jazzman

I'll be hopeful that your children will have a participating Father in their future, and if not, I'll be confident that you will have done the best anyone could possibly have done in your situation. You set a high standard for action in the three A's, awareness, acceptance, action.

gns

Thank you for the update, LaTeDa, I wish you and your family the very best.

cmc

Thank you for sharing; it's good to hear how you and the kids are thriving in spite of what your ex chooses to do.

Pajarito

Thanks for the update LTD. I love reading about things falling into place after divorce from an alcoholic- since I'm going through the same thing. I'm sorry to hear about your ex, though.

It sounds like you are very level-headed about what is happening. Lately I'm feeling more like that too, which gives me hope. I've walked a line between feeling so much rage over what STBXAH has done and said- and then feeling sadness for the man he once was. I want him to have a good relationship with dd- as I'm sure you'd like for your kids, but in my case STBXAH is also exhibiting flaky behavior. I distinctly remember thinking if only STBXAH would stop drinking everything would be great- I'd have the man I married back. When he did get sober I was surprised to find it wasn't the case. His behavior was in many ways worse than when he was drinking. I've often wondered how much I can blame on alcoholism?! I'm beginning to think not a lot. Bad behavior is bad behavior. Like you, I am grateful to be free of it- for the most part. I'm still affected when he doesn't show up for dd.

Your story is inspiring. I know with all the hard work I'm doing that I'll continue to get healthier, and hopefully one day will have my own inspiring story to tell.

hopeangel

"So, this is a heads-up to those of you who think that if your spouse would only stop drinking, things would be fine. It is the behavior that matters, not so much the drinking. He may or may not be drinking again, but the behavior has not changed. He is still irresponsible, immature, and incapable of doing the next right thing. And I could not be happier that I made the decision to sever my marital ties to him. "

AMEN - thank you for reinforcing this for me.

praying everything will continue to be alright for you and your kids. it must be heartbreaking to have your exah awol again.

praying for the very best for you!!!

LaTeeDa

I think about this sometimes, too. It's like the chicken-or-egg question. I know the man I divorced was not the same man I married. But, people change. I am not the same person he married all those years ago either. So, sometimes I wonder if the alcoholism changed him, or if alcoholism was just one of the things about him that changed.

I know it doesn't really matter now, but it's some comfort to think that maybe we would have just grown apart even without the alcohol.

L

Pajarito

You're right. I could ask WHY forever, but that wouldn't change what is. The question for me now is HOW. How do I live the life I want to live- without him?

STBXAH is not the man I married either, and as you say- neither am I the woman he married. In fact, I believe I am better. I've been gathering "tools" over time to figure out how I want to live. I know in my situation there were small signs of selfishness, manipulation, immaturity, etc. in STBXAH that seem to have grown over time. Is it just in him or is it something that grew over time as a result of alcohol abuse? Again- it doesn't really matter, but I have to also think that over time I've gotten stronger and less willing to put up with what I did in our early days together. Obviously there's a lot that has made this situation what it is. I just know for me it does no good to look back at what he was to me. It's what he is now - and who I am that have compelled me to walk the path I'm on.