Another gripe here !
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: west yorshire
Posts: 5
Another gripe here !
Sorry for this gripe but here goes...
why is my dad killing us...hurting us ?? he seems to enjoy it im sure!He is that p$$$ed in the morning he cant string a sentence together he cant remember what you said to him, he has HUGE mood swings and seems to think hes in the right. He shouts at my brother and sister one minute and then kiss my bro backside the next. He lives at work sleeps on the floor with the rats etc ( its an old mill freezing 1838 built u get the picture ) and im sick of being the understanding one the eldest who stands around making everyone else happy. cushioning the blow ( or at least i try ) for the others. Im sick of being rational and doing the whole...I cant help him no more thing and if he want to stop he will....blah blah...Why is it ok for him to do this. Now dont get me wrong here my mother is and was enough to drive anyone to drink. cheating homewrecker ! but my father is one of the most level headed, incredibly brainy, respected man i could think of when i was growing up. Now he looks, smells acts like a tramp whilst onlookers tut and carry on ! its pathetic! Cheap crappy wine and any other shite thats sold in bottles to "enlighten" our lives should be poored out. Feed it to the very dangerous criminals in prison, kill them off not our dads, hubbies, sisters, brother mothers etc...I long for the dad who would play stupid games with me to keep me amused like French Cricket with the 2 of us or skip so i would laugh. Now all i have is a rotting carcass of a man who i call DAD.
He calls me on a night to discuss work with me... I hate having to wait to see what mood hes in to understand how i must treat him and what i should say. Theres nights he cries so much i cant understand what hes saying. Others where he refers to our past together and how wonderfully blessed hes been seeing my babies first smiles laugh steps etc.. which always gets me i dont let him know though !
I would love my children and the world for that matter to see him how he was, for god sake even the delivery driver noticed he stinks of wine and hes always slurring his words... How much more do we have to take. He never would have shown himself up EVER... Anyway i could go on forever... I just want the man i respected back !
why is my dad killing us...hurting us ?? he seems to enjoy it im sure!He is that p$$$ed in the morning he cant string a sentence together he cant remember what you said to him, he has HUGE mood swings and seems to think hes in the right. He shouts at my brother and sister one minute and then kiss my bro backside the next. He lives at work sleeps on the floor with the rats etc ( its an old mill freezing 1838 built u get the picture ) and im sick of being the understanding one the eldest who stands around making everyone else happy. cushioning the blow ( or at least i try ) for the others. Im sick of being rational and doing the whole...I cant help him no more thing and if he want to stop he will....blah blah...Why is it ok for him to do this. Now dont get me wrong here my mother is and was enough to drive anyone to drink. cheating homewrecker ! but my father is one of the most level headed, incredibly brainy, respected man i could think of when i was growing up. Now he looks, smells acts like a tramp whilst onlookers tut and carry on ! its pathetic! Cheap crappy wine and any other shite thats sold in bottles to "enlighten" our lives should be poored out. Feed it to the very dangerous criminals in prison, kill them off not our dads, hubbies, sisters, brother mothers etc...I long for the dad who would play stupid games with me to keep me amused like French Cricket with the 2 of us or skip so i would laugh. Now all i have is a rotting carcass of a man who i call DAD.
He calls me on a night to discuss work with me... I hate having to wait to see what mood hes in to understand how i must treat him and what i should say. Theres nights he cries so much i cant understand what hes saying. Others where he refers to our past together and how wonderfully blessed hes been seeing my babies first smiles laugh steps etc.. which always gets me i dont let him know though !
I would love my children and the world for that matter to see him how he was, for god sake even the delivery driver noticed he stinks of wine and hes always slurring his words... How much more do we have to take. He never would have shown himself up EVER... Anyway i could go on forever... I just want the man i respected back !
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: west yorshire
Posts: 5
yip he says hes old fashioned and he will not do any of that group hugging happy family stuff as its his problem and no one cant tell him as they have not walked in his shoes. English 1950s man... Stiff upper chin crap. Weve tried the nasty approach, the nice talking approach, He says its nothing to do with us (ive told him repeatedly it is as its affecting us too ) but its like talking to a brick wall ! talk about frustration ... to be honest its grinding me down and yet ill go in tomorrow and start smiling and joking being me. He seems to perk up slightly around dinner time and then we leave to go get the kids from school and we havent even reached the car door before the bottles and chinking together sloshing around into the cup... ARGGHHHH
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Okay, what about someone outside of the family? Do you know any other stiff upper lipped older friend that he might listen to? Have you talked to anyone else about this? You might be surprised to discover others in similar situations and maybe even some who are in recovery.
You know that you cannot control his addiction, you know this. But, it can't hurt to try getting him to listen, as he sounds miserable.
You work with him I gather?
I'm so sorry, I can hear your pain in your posts
What about Al-anon for you and the other kids?
You know that you cannot control his addiction, you know this. But, it can't hurt to try getting him to listen, as he sounds miserable.
You work with him I gather?
I'm so sorry, I can hear your pain in your posts
What about Al-anon for you and the other kids?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'm so sorry, LittleKnux. The problem with alcoholics is that they're choosing to continue drinking rather than to get help to stop drinking. It sucks, because you wish with all your heart it was different, but the fact is.....it's his life, his choice, his trip. He's an alcoholic, and this is simply what they do.
If he won't get help, won't respond to anyone's efforts to turn him toward a better life, then you have no choice but to focus on yourself and your kids. I had to drastically cut down the amount of exposure I had to my alcoholic parents because I just couldn't stand watching them commit suicide in slow motion any more. They were going to do it whether I was there or not, so I decided not to take a front row seat any more.
He may yet suffer some sort of catastrophic "bottom" where he gets very sick, or drives his car into a pole, or heaven knows what (it's different for every person) and he may find his way.
But in the meantime, protect yourself and your family as best you can from the madness. Hopefully your younger brother/sister are of an age where they can learn about alcoholism and realize that there's nothing wrong with THEM, he's just an alcoholic, and that's what they do. Do the two of them still live with him? Is there anyplace else they can live, and walk away when he gets abusive? Just because he's alcoholic doesn't mean he shouldn't have to suffer any repercussions for his cr@p behavior. In fact, he should. For many, the threat of losing contact with their entire family and being alone in the world was the thing that turned them around.
Good luck with everything. Try to focus on what you CAN control rather than what you can't (him)
If he won't get help, won't respond to anyone's efforts to turn him toward a better life, then you have no choice but to focus on yourself and your kids. I had to drastically cut down the amount of exposure I had to my alcoholic parents because I just couldn't stand watching them commit suicide in slow motion any more. They were going to do it whether I was there or not, so I decided not to take a front row seat any more.
He may yet suffer some sort of catastrophic "bottom" where he gets very sick, or drives his car into a pole, or heaven knows what (it's different for every person) and he may find his way.
But in the meantime, protect yourself and your family as best you can from the madness. Hopefully your younger brother/sister are of an age where they can learn about alcoholism and realize that there's nothing wrong with THEM, he's just an alcoholic, and that's what they do. Do the two of them still live with him? Is there anyplace else they can live, and walk away when he gets abusive? Just because he's alcoholic doesn't mean he shouldn't have to suffer any repercussions for his cr@p behavior. In fact, he should. For many, the threat of losing contact with their entire family and being alone in the world was the thing that turned them around.
Good luck with everything. Try to focus on what you CAN control rather than what you can't (him)
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
HI! and welcome!
Sorrry to hear of your situation.
Here are some things you can do for you:
Start going to al-anon meetings (you will find lots of support there)
Educate yourself about the disease, there are recommended books in the "classic reading sticky" on this forum
Remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it
Keep posting here!
Sorrry to hear of your situation.
Here are some things you can do for you:
Start going to al-anon meetings (you will find lots of support there)
Educate yourself about the disease, there are recommended books in the "classic reading sticky" on this forum
Remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it
Keep posting here!
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
hey there,
My mother's family hails from Leeds so I know the area passingly, and the mind-set of a 1950's man from west yourshire from my uncles....although thankfully none of them are alcoholics. My aunt though, now there's a different story.......
This isn't your fault, or your responsibility. Grieving the loss of your father to alcoholism is natural and healthy, anger is normal and just fine too. You have every right to your feelings. Your number 1 priority should be your health and well-being, then the health and well being of your kids and other minors in your family
here is a great place for venting and letting it all out, someone will always understand, others will have lived through it and come out the other side.
I know you haven't asked for advice so ignore the next bit if you want, I won't be offended
my mother used to suffer lots with her alcoholic sister ringing in the evenings, incoherant/despairing/maudlin/angry/loved up/.........and she dreaded them, could never extricate herself from them once she had answered so now she doesn't talk to my aunt (her sister, an alcoholic) in the evenings as she can never tell what mood she's going to be in and my mother gets too upset. Of course this only works for her because my aunt is unlikely to be drinking first thing so when she calls her back in the morning, they can have a reasonable conversation (or not as often my aunt doesn't remember that she tried to call and has nothing to say really). Perhaps this would be worth a try for you as you see him every day anyway, at least your evenings would be less fretful. My mum didn't tell my aunt that she was going to do this, she just got caller ID and stopped answering the phone to her.
Working with him must be doubly hard, to first have to witness his deterioration and also to worry about the health of the business and your livelihood. Alanon helped me loads, and I hope to get back there soon (although I didn't get it for ages, and I've had to come away to understand it more).It helps me to have actual physical people who know about my situation rather than just a bunch of (said lovingly) internet weirdies
(which obviously I count myself as). I found my local groups by ringing the UK ALanon number, which you can google for.
Do you have any support at home? family/friends?
Do your brother and sister live/work with your father too? how old are they?
There's also another forum here for the children of alcoholics, and perhaps that might be a good place for support too?
There are some good sticky's at the top.
keep coming back
My mother's family hails from Leeds so I know the area passingly, and the mind-set of a 1950's man from west yourshire from my uncles....although thankfully none of them are alcoholics. My aunt though, now there's a different story.......
This isn't your fault, or your responsibility. Grieving the loss of your father to alcoholism is natural and healthy, anger is normal and just fine too. You have every right to your feelings. Your number 1 priority should be your health and well-being, then the health and well being of your kids and other minors in your family
here is a great place for venting and letting it all out, someone will always understand, others will have lived through it and come out the other side.
I know you haven't asked for advice so ignore the next bit if you want, I won't be offended
my mother used to suffer lots with her alcoholic sister ringing in the evenings, incoherant/despairing/maudlin/angry/loved up/.........and she dreaded them, could never extricate herself from them once she had answered so now she doesn't talk to my aunt (her sister, an alcoholic) in the evenings as she can never tell what mood she's going to be in and my mother gets too upset. Of course this only works for her because my aunt is unlikely to be drinking first thing so when she calls her back in the morning, they can have a reasonable conversation (or not as often my aunt doesn't remember that she tried to call and has nothing to say really). Perhaps this would be worth a try for you as you see him every day anyway, at least your evenings would be less fretful. My mum didn't tell my aunt that she was going to do this, she just got caller ID and stopped answering the phone to her.
Working with him must be doubly hard, to first have to witness his deterioration and also to worry about the health of the business and your livelihood. Alanon helped me loads, and I hope to get back there soon (although I didn't get it for ages, and I've had to come away to understand it more).It helps me to have actual physical people who know about my situation rather than just a bunch of (said lovingly) internet weirdies
(which obviously I count myself as). I found my local groups by ringing the UK ALanon number, which you can google for.Do you have any support at home? family/friends?
Do your brother and sister live/work with your father too? how old are they?
There's also another forum here for the children of alcoholics, and perhaps that might be a good place for support too?
There are some good sticky's at the top.
keep coming back
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: west yorshire
Posts: 5
oh my ! thankyou ever so much for your email returns ...just to answer a few questions.....
My brother and sis are 16(nearly 17) and 14 respectively. My brother has started coming down to work as my father says he needs help with money as he is waiting to college so he says. Where as my sis is still at school. They both currently live with my mother as she booted my dad out then brings the slimey scum of a chap ( half her age - hes done this before and just gets older ladies until the die and hes been so slimey and creepy over the time with them that they leave him their estate/ monies etc ) Anyway they both (bro and sis ) want to come live with me and weve just got a bunk bed so i can cram my sis in a room with my eldest (7yr)... its just such a tangled web that its hard to really see the light at the end of the tunnel
He has already driven the car into a barrier ( pi$$ed as a newt ) and blamed it on the track rod ends of the car yet it was absolutely fine the day after when he had sobered up a TINY bit.
Working together is hard as he gets on the phone to customers half cut and either goes of his rocker over nothing or is that out fo his face he forgets what hes on about, cant string a sentence together etc etc you know the score it seems the way everyone goes. He blows his trumpet on a morning ( presumedly as he has a hang over or the craving is driving him ? anyway as soon as he has had a sly sneaky guzzle, open the hatch down in goes, gulp after gulp ( he thinks im stupid im sure ) he slowly comes round !... I feel soooooo sorry for him as i said before hes my dad the one i turned to the one i listened to, the one who never told me what to do but gave me options of what i should do, the one i knew i could run to, the one who made me giggle so hard i cried. Now i cry as i watch him slowly fade away almost in love with a new child..his new child is more attractive, more giving helps him wash away his thoughts his bottle !..
I once again thankyou all dearly for your warm posts myself and my hubby read through them and have taken alot of your points on board as you all have dealt in this before in some way....:ghug
Ceridwen - wow Leeds about 10miles away from me lol small world huh ! internet weirdies lol tickled me lol
My brother and sis are 16(nearly 17) and 14 respectively. My brother has started coming down to work as my father says he needs help with money as he is waiting to college so he says. Where as my sis is still at school. They both currently live with my mother as she booted my dad out then brings the slimey scum of a chap ( half her age - hes done this before and just gets older ladies until the die and hes been so slimey and creepy over the time with them that they leave him their estate/ monies etc ) Anyway they both (bro and sis ) want to come live with me and weve just got a bunk bed so i can cram my sis in a room with my eldest (7yr)... its just such a tangled web that its hard to really see the light at the end of the tunnel
He has already driven the car into a barrier ( pi$$ed as a newt ) and blamed it on the track rod ends of the car yet it was absolutely fine the day after when he had sobered up a TINY bit.
Working together is hard as he gets on the phone to customers half cut and either goes of his rocker over nothing or is that out fo his face he forgets what hes on about, cant string a sentence together etc etc you know the score it seems the way everyone goes. He blows his trumpet on a morning ( presumedly as he has a hang over or the craving is driving him ? anyway as soon as he has had a sly sneaky guzzle, open the hatch down in goes, gulp after gulp ( he thinks im stupid im sure ) he slowly comes round !... I feel soooooo sorry for him as i said before hes my dad the one i turned to the one i listened to, the one who never told me what to do but gave me options of what i should do, the one i knew i could run to, the one who made me giggle so hard i cried. Now i cry as i watch him slowly fade away almost in love with a new child..his new child is more attractive, more giving helps him wash away his thoughts his bottle !..
I once again thankyou all dearly for your warm posts myself and my hubby read through them and have taken alot of your points on board as you all have dealt in this before in some way....:ghug
Ceridwen - wow Leeds about 10miles away from me lol small world huh ! internet weirdies lol tickled me lol
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
littleknux,
Do you have to work with your dad? I know that would drive me right out of my mind, and that my blood pressure would be cut in half if I left to find other employment. Do you have that option? Does your brother?
Thinking about you -- keep posting here whenever it's helpful. Lots of great people here.
Do you have to work with your dad? I know that would drive me right out of my mind, and that my blood pressure would be cut in half if I left to find other employment. Do you have that option? Does your brother?
Thinking about you -- keep posting here whenever it's helpful. Lots of great people here.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
as GiveLove said,
I know its a tough economic climate, but working practically anywhere else would have to be easier, that sounds like a nightmare work environment.
Your brother and sister aren't living with your dad, so that's good, and they are of an age where they could attend Alanon (or Alateen if you can find one, we don't have any here).
:ghug
I know its a tough economic climate, but working practically anywhere else would have to be easier, that sounds like a nightmare work environment.
Your brother and sister aren't living with your dad, so that's good, and they are of an age where they could attend Alanon (or Alateen if you can find one, we don't have any here).
:ghug
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