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Old 01-12-2009, 09:28 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
CAE
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New Here

Hello,

I ran across this site after doing a search for an online al-anon forum.

My wife is an alcoholic. Neither of us realized it until this past year. We just figured we both like to go out and have fun a lot. We were always going out drinking which was fun because I liked going out. But when it came time to settle down she couldn't. I could start to see that it was a bit more than just going out partying bit by bit.

She tended to drink whenever I went out of town for work. Drinking combined with her being very co-dependent wasn't very good when I was away. There was always some sort of drama that would come of it.

Eventually she hit a low while I was gone and we realized that she had a problem with alcohol. She went to counseling which brought her finally to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I went with her as well for support and to learn what I could do to help. She quit drinking for almost a month a couple of times but then after being unsuccessful she decided she didn't want to quit (all while I was looking for another job with no travel). She ended up having a mental breakdown with me being gone again combined with a whole lot of drinking and she ended up cheating on me (come to find out she just made out with the guy but she was drunk and messed up). When I thought that she had cheated I told her that we'd get a divorce unless she stopped drinking, even going as far as buying atibuse which would make her sick if she took a drink. When she read the bottle and all that it did to her and the fact that perfume and a bunch of other things have alcohol in it and it would make her sick we took the script back.

She got a little better after that whole incident. I got a new job and we relocated. She started drinking again but gave up wine (she'd start drinking wine after we got home from drinking and finish the bottle and stay up half the night).

For a little while she was using Xanax to help her sleep. Alcohol gives her a lot of energy and she can't sleep, so we decided we'd just have a few drinks and then she'd take Xanax and she'd fall asleep.
That wasn't a good idea because she became addicted to Xanax and when she ran out we found out that the withdrawl is severe. She was fortunate to get over the withdrawl after 3 weeks.

So now she drinks every other day almost like clockwork. She hasn't figured out the pattern but I have. She drank yesterday so today will be a good day. Tomorrow she'll want to go out when I get home or since she bought a 12 pack of beer yesterday and there is some left she'll probably be started on that tomorrow before I get home from work.

Things are ok right now as far as the drama goes. We're still in transition mode with moving and everything so that's enough drama to keep her going.

Anyway, just thought I'd get that out of the way since I don't really have anyone to talk to about all of this.
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Old 01-12-2009, 09:43 AM
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Hey there, CAE, welcome to SR. So glad you found this place -- especially right now, we seem to have a bunch of husbands who are searching for support with alcoholic spouses, so you're (for better or for worse) in good company.

Read around the stories on this forum - take some time, and keep an open mind - and especially have a look at the "Sticky" posts at the top of the forum. There is a huge wellspring of wisdom and experience here, complete with success stories, suggestions, ideas, tough love, and everything else you might need to improve your situation.

Living with an active alcoholic can be miserable. Have you ever considered finding a local Al-Anon (friends & family) group to sit in on? You've gone to AA with her, but what have you done for YOU ?

Hugs,
GL
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Old 01-12-2009, 09:53 AM
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Welcome CAE, I'm glad you found this place and us!

Sounds to me, reading your story, that she has exactly what she wants. She still drinks, she has you home and not out of town working. Her "dramas" are, in my opinion, nothing more than manipulation.

Keep in mind that this is a progressive disease, it doesn't get better on its own.

What have you done for you lately?
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Old 01-12-2009, 09:57 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by CAE View Post
Drinking combined with her being very co-dependent wasn't very good when I was away. There was always some sort of drama that would come of it.
I would like to know, if you want to share, how you concluded she was codependent. I'm a codie, but I am not an A. However, there are A's who are codependent too. Have you attended Al-Anon before or have you read any books on codependency?

Originally Posted by CAE View Post
She quit drinking for almost a month a couple of times but then after being unsuccessful she decided she didn't want to quit...she ended up cheating on me (come to find out she just made out with the guy but she was drunk and messed up).
At this point, she has decided she wants to continue drinking. What are you going to do for yourself to handle this situation?

Are you certain she didn't cheat on you? You say she was "drunk and messed up." If she was telling you she ony made out with the guy, how could she be certain that's all she did if she was drunk?

Originally Posted by CAE View Post
She hasn't figured out the pattern but I have. She drank yesterday so today will be a good day. Tomorrow she'll want to go out when I get home or since she bought a 12 pack of beer yesterday and there is some left she'll probably be started on that tomorrow before I get home from work.
She does not see the pattern because she is likely in denial that anything is "wrong" with her drinking. She wants to continue drinking. Although you see the pattern, what benefit is it to her? In fact, what benefit is it to you to see that she has a pattern (or, in other words, an addiction). Until she faces up to it, I'm afraid this is going to continue.

Originally Posted by CAE View Post
Things are ok right now as far as the drama goes. We're still in transition mode with moving and everything so that's enough drama to keep her going.
What type of drama do you think she'll begin once the moving period is over?

I hope you will give Al-Anon and/or counseling a try. It sounds like you have a rough road ahead of you. Right now, she isn't ready to seek recovery. That doesn't mean she won't try again in the future. In the meantime, please take care of YOU.
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Old 01-12-2009, 10:01 AM
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Originally Posted by CAE View Post
Hello,

I ran across this site after doing a search for an online al-anon forum.

My wife is an alcoholic. Neither of us realized it until this past year. We just figured we both like to go out and have fun a lot. We were always going out drinking which was fun because I liked going out. But when it came time to settle down she couldn't. I could start to see that it was a bit more than just going out partying bit by bit.

She tended to drink whenever I went out of town for work. Drinking combined with her being very co-dependent wasn't very good when I was away. There was always some sort of drama that would come of it.

Eventually she hit a low while I was gone and we realized that she had a problem with alcohol. She went to counseling which brought her finally to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I went with her as well for support and to learn what I could do to help. She quit drinking for almost a month a couple of times but then after being unsuccessful she decided she didn't want to quit (all while I was looking for another job with no travel). She ended up having a mental breakdown with me being gone again combined with a whole lot of drinking and she ended up cheating on me (come to find out she just made out with the guy but she was drunk and messed up). When I thought that she had cheated I told her that we'd get a divorce unless she stopped drinking, even going as far as buying atibuse which would make her sick if she took a drink. When she read the bottle and all that it did to her and the fact that perfume and a bunch of other things have alcohol in it and it would make her sick we took the script back.

She got a little better after that whole incident. I got a new job and we relocated. She started drinking again but gave up wine (she'd start drinking wine after we got home from drinking and finish the bottle and stay up half the night).

For a little while she was using Xanax to help her sleep. Alcohol gives her a lot of energy and she can't sleep, so we decided we'd just have a few drinks and then she'd take Xanax and she'd fall asleep.
That wasn't a good idea because she became addicted to Xanax and when she ran out we found out that the withdrawl is severe. She was fortunate to get over the withdrawl after 3 weeks.

So now she drinks every other day almost like clockwork. She hasn't figured out the pattern but I have. She drank yesterday so today will be a good day. Tomorrow she'll want to go out when I get home or since she bought a 12 pack of beer yesterday and there is some left she'll probably be started on that tomorrow before I get home from work.

Things are ok right now as far as the drama goes. We're still in transition mode with moving and everything so that's enough drama to keep her going.

Anyway, just thought I'd get that out of the way since I don't really have anyone to talk to about all of this.
welcome!!!

Well, if you want to talk you've come to the right place, you'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 01-12-2009, 10:22 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
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Welcome to SR CAE! Glad that you found us

Please check out our other forums, Our stickys that are filled with a wealth of information.

Looking into going to an Al-Anon meeting would be a great next step!

We cannot change others and certainly not an A! We cannot make anyone see
what we see, although that would be grand!

The choice that you have reached out for support for yourself is wonderful and
the support you will find here will be a wealth of experience, strength & hope for you!

Keep posting!
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Old 01-12-2009, 11:04 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
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HI! welcome!

lots of good advice here!

I would just want to add, that you should try to educate yourself about the disease. A quick easy read that helped me was Marriage on the Rocks. There are other helpful book suggestions in the classic reading sticky!

Keep posting!
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Old 01-12-2009, 11:50 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
CAE
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Originally Posted by prodigal View Post
I would like to know, if you want to share, how you concluded she was codependent. I'm a codie, but I am not an A. However, there are A's who are codependent too. Have you attended Al-Anon before or have you read any books on codependency?.
I think she is the epitome of co-dependent. Her life revolves quite a lot around me, she always wants to be around me. When I'm gone it's almost as if she needs her "fix" of me. It seemed like she'd become self destructive whenever I'd leave. I'd go spend the afternoon with my brother (she stopped going with me because she feels like my family is too judgemental, which is mainly just her having such low self esteem that she's very very sensitive) and even though she'd say it was fine that I go hang out with him she'd start drinking and calling me more and more the closer it got to the time when I was going to leave, asking when I was getting back, wanting me to come home. She constantly calls me at work. When I traveled for work I made sure to talk to her about once every two hours while at work and then we'd pretty much be on the phone together for most of the night.

She freely admits that she is co-dependent and I am not too bothered by it because I enjoy being smothered with her affection. It just gets a bit out of hand when she's drinking. Like she -needs- me to be there when she's drunk and will make me well aware of the fact that I'm not there for her at that moment in any way possible.

Originally Posted by prodigal View Post
At this point, she has decided she wants to continue drinking. What are you going to do for yourself to handle this situation?.
I haven't figured that out. I fortunately found a better job that I like a lot. We just bought a house and we're still getting settled in.

Originally Posted by prodigal View Post
Are you certain she didn't cheat on you? You say she was "drunk and messed up." If she was telling you she ony made out with the guy, how could she be certain that's all she did if she was drunk?.
From what I gathered from the people who were there, as well as talking to the guy. She was drunk off of most of a fifth of jager and probably lying on the couch. He came up and started kissing/etc. her and she didn't resist. Then she all of the sudden snapped and ran to her phone crying saying that she just cheated on me. I didn't know the full story at the time so I didn't ask for details, I just found out later from others and the other guy who was kinda freaked out that she was accusing him of that.


Originally Posted by prodigal View Post
She does not see the pattern because she is likely in denial that anything is "wrong" with her drinking. She wants to continue drinking. Although you see the pattern, what benefit is it to her? In fact, what benefit is it to you to see that she has a pattern (or, in other words, an addiction). Until she faces up to it, I'm afraid this is going to continue..
It only benefits me in that I know what to expect when I get home tonight and tomorrow. She knows she has an addiction, she doesn't like it, but it is an addiction and she doesn't have the strength to do the work she knows she needs to do to beat it.

Originally Posted by prodigal View Post
What type of drama do you think she'll begin once the moving period is over?
.
The hard part about moving somewhere is meeting friends. Unfortunately the only time we're around a lot of people in a social setting is when we're at a bar. She's alread gotten some phone numbers of people while out drinking. She'll most likely start hanging out with these drinking friends every other day even though when she's sober she looks at them and sees that they are not people she wants to hang out with. Unfortunately, on the days she has that need to drink she'll be calling them up and they'll feed off of each other and I'll get drunk phone calls at work for me to come home and pick her up because of whatever bad situation she gets herself into.

btw. The whole 'cheating' incident was at a time when I decided not to play the parent and let her hit a low that I knew she would hit from me not intervening. I love her too much to see her hurt herself. It's almost as if she's two people, and the drunk version of her likes to hurt her sober self. The best way to hurt her sober self is to hurt our relationship.

Originally Posted by prodigal View Post
I hope you will give Al-Anon and/or counseling a try. It sounds like you have a rough road ahead of you. Right now, she isn't ready to seek recovery. That doesn't mean she won't try again in the future. In the meantime, please take care of YOU.
I went to one Al-Anon meeting. I had to time it so that we were both in a meeting at the same time.
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Old 01-12-2009, 12:04 PM
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Boy, you must be exhausted from taking care of her. That can be draining after years of trying to save someone from their own addiction. I tried it and failed miserably. Addiction won with him.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?
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Old 01-12-2009, 12:05 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
CAE
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
Welcome CAE, I'm glad you found this place and us!

Sounds to me, reading your story, that she has exactly what she wants. She still drinks, she has you home and not out of town working. Her "dramas" are, in my opinion, nothing more than manipulation.

Keep in mind that this is a progressive disease, it doesn't get better on its own.

What have you done for you lately?
She does tend to get exactly what she wants. I do realize from time to time that I prefer giving her what she wants rather than face the arguments that come from not doing it. She has more clothes and shoes than any one person should ever need, though she justifies the fact that she finds bargains at the salvation army. But then when we just bought our new house right on the water with a gulf view and half acre yard she complains about lack of closet space.

I can't think of much I've done for myself lately buy my wife could probably give you a detailed list of every nice thing she has done for me since we were married.

We've been married for just over a year so there's a lot of adjusting going on that's not just the alcohol but just regular marital difficulties as well. I'm certainly not the perfect husband and have my own issues but I think our hardest time was the realization of her addiction and our blind attempts to rectify it. And I'm sure we have much more growing ahead of us.
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Old 01-12-2009, 12:52 PM
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Welcome to the forum, CAE!
I'm glad that you found us.

Originally Posted by CAE View Post
And I'm sure we have much more growing ahead of us.
When I first learned that my husband was an alcoholic, I still had a great deal of learning to do about what that word meant.

It was scary. When someone becomes chemically dependent upon alcohol, there are MAJOR psychological and physical complications. If the drinking does not stop, the disease progresses along a predictably devastating path. Those who do not find recovery discover that at the end of alcoholism's path lies sickness, madness, and death.

Grasping the truth of this terrifying reality helped me make well-informed, rational decisions about what kind of "growth" could be expected from my relationship with my husband if he did not choose address his addiction. Normal, healthy growth does not occur in the relationship if one member is mired in addiction. And you cannot control your partner's choices/addiction. But you can find lots of growth for yourself - you're in control of that.

It is serious business. Watching the progression is painful. I have discovered that my own network of support is ABSOLUTELY necessary to my sanity and well-being. Al-Anon works for me.

My thoughts and prayers for you and your wife.
Keep posting!
-TC
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