tay-lyn

I am at the end of my rope with this roller-coaster ride! Up and down. Back and forth. I'm sick and tired of it. I am FED UP!
I get some sobriety under my belt and then I drink again.
I am sick of the cycle....I'm sick of all of it!
I haven't hit a bottom...but I'm ready to make a change.
I know you've all heard that before....God knows I've been saying it to myself long enough.
I can't afford to hit another bottom. And I've been a complete fool. Drinking when I have so many blessings in my life. Risking everything I love just for the high.
Despite other recent failed attempts to quit, I'm willing to try again.
It has been hard for me to write these words because I am at a loss, I've said it all before and am sick of hearing myself repeat promises over and over. I have been feeling hopeless....incapable of quitting. At times I've accepted my lot in life.....
BUT...over these last few days of sobriety, I haven't stopped thinking about how completely unmanageable my life is when I'm drinking. No if, ands or buts about it. My life is unmanageable when I drink. And I'm sick of it. I don't want my children to grow up the way I did. They are still babies and I can prevent them from ever feeling the effects of my drinking....if only I can stop.
Despite all my recent attempts, these past few days I have felt a bit of clarity....KNOWING and accepting that there is no way I can go on like I have...not if I want to be happy.....not if I want my children to be happy.
The bottom line is...it all lies within that first drink....there is no such thing as 'one drink' for me....the first drink means getting drunk. Blackouts start on only the third or fourth drink....the hangovers are incapacitating...the guilt, the remorse, the self-hatred, all of it....I'm done with it.
So here I go again (AGAIN).
Tay.

least

Glad you are starting over. Keep moving forward one day at a time and don't pick up that first drink. If I can make it, so can you!

Anna

Hi Tay,

I hope this is the time that works for you.

It is the best gift you can give yourself and your children.

pangur

You can't change your past, so give yourself a vacation from the guilt, focus on all the things you want to put right and keep right. Plenty of water and a healthy diet, get out and see some nature, get your feet dirty and some rain on your face, works for me. Even by being here you're moving forward.

bodychek

Thank you for your honest and open post Tay.

I was in the same position when I finally surrendered. After yet another failed attempt at quitting and serious contemplation of suicide yet again I remember looking through my tears into the bathroom mirror early one morning/late one night and saying to myself "I quit, I give up, I am a drunk and will die a drunk..." My only hope at that moment was that my death would come quickly and relatively painlessly. I had no god, no spiritual, no self esteem, nothing. Yes, I still had a lot of the material things. I still had a job, a house, 2 great young children, a wife, cars, etc. But I had no dignity, no self esteem, and no reason for living.

When I surrendered that morning something happened. I only can speculate now but I assume that I finally gave up the fight and by so doing I was ready to reach out for help. It wasn't me, "something" happened. The next day I was given a temporary reprieve from the cravings long enough to reach out for help. That day was my first AA meeting. AA and the principles of the 12 steps & 12 traditions have saved my life. I opened up my mind and heart just a little bit and was given the willingness to take the action to begin recovery. I have learned many of the tools that I now use to deal with everyday life. I have encountered a lot of difficult situations sober and have been able to walk through them with my head high and without altering my consciousness.

When I looked at a lifetime of not drinking, the challenge seemed to insurmountable. When I live in the now and take it day by day it becomes possible for me. I have been sober just over a year and I have never felt better. I have gone from being an on the fence athiest/agnostic to believing in *something* and have had spirituality seep into my life for the first time in the 38 years I have been alive. The caring, guidance, and support of other alcoholics "just like me" make me know that it is possible and I now have hope for life. It doesn't matter how many days I have strung together, all it matters is that I am sober now. God willing and if I keep working I just may make it through another one.

This is just my story. I feel that the key for you is to springboard off this surrender you are feeling to reach out and let others help you. You are not alone.

bongo

i've only been drinking on and off for a few years and finally decided to quit for good. but man, all of your emotions and sufferings are right on par with how i feel about it. good luck to you and god bless!

bongo

you are an inspiration to us all.

TryingSoHard

Hi Tay,

I'm sorry to hear how frustrated and sick of it all you are, but at the same time - that's awesome. Because it means you're hitting the point where you want to be sober more than you want to drink, and that's what needs to happen for it to really stick.

That describes EXACTLY how I felt after the last time I drank. And guess what? I have stayed sober ever since. 104 days today. That feeling that you described was what did it for me. It was like a switch got flipped in my head and suddenly it just all made sense. It clicked. And I too was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

It was a horrible feeling, but it was a blessing. I hope it is for you, too.

Please keep posting and reaching out here.

:ghug

Fubarcdn

Good luck Tat. One of the biggest regrets I have is what my wife and kids went through because of my drinking. I have only made the decision to stop now and I hope my family can forgive me and I can have a better relationship with them. By stopping now you are sparing your children the heartache that comes with living with a drinker. Congrats on your decision and good luck.

Robzoloft

Tay-lyn:
I am so glad to see you back...your post made my day. I know how you feel. I know the chaotic up and down nature of the struggle....the frustration, the guilt....the desperation...the "what if" and "if only" scenarios constantly playing in your head...the self-bargaining deal making...the self-deception...I've been there and got there still some days. All I can say is whats working for me...I make a conscious decision not to drink a day at a time. I tell others of my decision. I pray about it. I avoid dangerous people and places....I endure if need be. And another day passes...one more step towards what I hope can only be a brighter future for me and the people Iove. I have hope for you...I remember being in awe of you not so long ago...and how you tried so hard to help me at that time...let us help you now. Hang in there. ROB

warrens

Tay,

Wow, it is good to "see" you!! Last I heard you were headed to the "cottage" for the summer.

I'm sorry that the demon has returned for you. It has, to some degree, done the same to me. In the past couple of months, due to relationship issues and emotional distress, I have lost my "spirit." I am in the process of trying to find it.

Tay, we are good people. We deserve to live without medicating. It is the source, not the cure for our pain. I long to say again, "I once was lost and now am found." Amazing Grace...

We were so strong, so positve months ago. And then I hit life's fan. It chewed me up and I let my spirit go.

We need to get it back. I have no excuses. "Only beer." I can't have only beer. I can't have anything. Beer tastes good. I hear antifreeze tastes good as well. It's why dogs drink it. Both are lethal for me.

I hope we can share success once more. Please don't "go away" again.

warren

tay-lyn

Hi Warrens;
I'm sorry to hear the demon has returned to you too....I guess it never really leaves, we just learn how to deal with it.
I plan on sticking around again....as the last time I had a good amount of sobriety...I had this place to thank.
I could elaborate on how and why I started drinking again, but I'm sure you all know how it happens.
I have a strong desire to stay sober again and hope I can do it. I know it is one day at a time.....which I dislike very much...I like to be in control of things and KNOW what is going to happen all the time. I want to KNOW that I will never drink again and then get on with my life, but it isn't like that. I will have to work each day at sobriety...which sucks, I want to just get on with my life! The thought of 'working' each day at my sobriety is exhausting....but then again, so is my drinking.
Gotta run....both babies are crying....I'll check back later.
Tay.

prettypoison

This thread really resonated with me. Life is unmanageable when I'm drinking and for days afterwards. The guilt is what has been taking me down the most. I got sober for 7 months when my kids were young, now they are grown and I'm worried about one of them. She drinks way too often. I feel responsible that I set a bad example (even though I "hid" a lot of it). I know alcoholism runs rampant in my family and therefore they are predisposed. I feel guilty too for drinking instead of spending quality time with them. I couldn't read them a book if I couldn't follow the words. I have made many vows (lies) to myself about quitting and sick of hearing my own lame promises...it's very frustrating. I refuse to give in though, so here I am... Glad you're here.