He's Trying to Suck Me Back in Again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
He's Trying to Suck Me Back in Again
He's trying to suck me back in again and making a monumental effort to be "nice" and a good huband and father. Unfortunately my oldest son has fallen for it and thinks his dad has really changed and is sticking up for him. I know better and it breaks my heart to know that my son will be crushed when the bad behavior starts again. He will need counseling I know.
He finally showed me his credit card statement. There were A LOT of huge charges from the bar he goes to on there and I know that he didn't consume all of the booze himself (maybe OW helped, I'm sure of it). Nothing for a hotel or jewlry though (which I thought might be on there), but BIG money in bar bills (friends????, more like users).
He's also said that he wasn't attracted to OW as they were just friends and she was "short with red hair and a big butt and looked like a weeble (nothing wrong with that, but that is the opposite of what he is attracted to). I've never seen her, but am curious really because I think he's lying. They haven't texted each other in a few days (I can check this), but I know he sees her at the bar after work.
I put my foot down and talked to him (very calmly this time) about what my intentions were (seperation and divorce). I think this shocked him because I've been a doormat for so long and I never discussed the D word before. He said he wasn't going to draw a line (quit drinking) because he was so stressed and he was under so much pressure that I didn't realize how hard his life was and he just wanted a nice quiet and warm (without noisy kids) place to unwind after work (sports bar with a bunch of TVs and alcoholic friends quiet???) quack, quack quack. Then he proceeced to pour out the most pathetic feel sorry for me crap that I EVER heard come out of HIS mouth. Then he proceeded to insult me (told me that all I ever fed the kids was junk food, blah, blah, blah). And that I didn't love him for years (this was true as last attempt at changing his life with AA and professional help was just to make himself look good to a judge really ended it for me because he fooled me with his act), why wasn't I attracted to him anymore, quack, quack, quack, and I didn't hug him when he came home from work (not true), that I had a roof over my head and we were fed and should be happy, blah, blah, blah.
Then he said in total seriousness: "Just before the accident I was on top of the world and then afterward I slowly climbed up there again, now I've fallen off the top of the world in the last few weeks". Boo, hoo. HIS top of the world is when he drinks and he doesn't have any consequences for his actions and everybody does what HE wants. I finally told him I had enough and all of the sudden I'm not in line anymore and enabling him and he has fallen off of his happy place. This is too much.
He even refused marriage counseling saying friends (again, single and/or divorced bar friends) told him that marriage counseling didn't work and that after all of the money is gone they tell you to get a divorce anyway (yeah, right). He then tried to play with my head when I told him that he only went to counseling once and left because he thought SHE (the counselor) was the nut. He told me that I was the one that told him he didn't need to go back because he didn't have a problem. I stopped him right there and stated that HE was the one that said that NEVER me or the counselor. He then got angry and wanted to call and ask her and see her records from four years ago, blah, blah, blah.
He's driving me crazy. He's spoiling the kids and they are falling for it and I know that just like before he will revert back to the same old crap. I've grown to detest the sight of him and can't stand to be in the same room with him.
This all sounds like desperation to me and he is using any method possible to try to get everything back in line the way he likes it. As he stood there pouring out his big speech about how his life was so hard for him (he goes to work, bar and home and does not help out at home at all) I saw him as a pathetic sick little bully and coward and realized that he will NEVER get help and doesn't see a problem as he said in the end that "I'm just a regular guy." Sad, really, but he's made his choices, now I have made mine.
He threatened to kill me a few times years ago if I left him. And truth be told, that is what has kept me in line all of those years - that and his temper (though he never hit me or anything). I am truely afraid of him because he has had a few run ins due to his road rage, but has never been caught. I have been afraid of him for years and he knows that. When I confronted him with what he said years ago he told me that that was a mistake and he couldn't believe that I brought something up from over ten years ago. I know of a few incidents where he threatened people with a gun and acting all threatening and then laying a gun up on the dashboard of his car to scare somebody. He said he would never hurt me or the kids, but when he's drunk he can be mean and stupid. To be honest, I'm petrified of him still for me and my kids.
He finally showed me his credit card statement. There were A LOT of huge charges from the bar he goes to on there and I know that he didn't consume all of the booze himself (maybe OW helped, I'm sure of it). Nothing for a hotel or jewlry though (which I thought might be on there), but BIG money in bar bills (friends????, more like users).
He's also said that he wasn't attracted to OW as they were just friends and she was "short with red hair and a big butt and looked like a weeble (nothing wrong with that, but that is the opposite of what he is attracted to). I've never seen her, but am curious really because I think he's lying. They haven't texted each other in a few days (I can check this), but I know he sees her at the bar after work.
I put my foot down and talked to him (very calmly this time) about what my intentions were (seperation and divorce). I think this shocked him because I've been a doormat for so long and I never discussed the D word before. He said he wasn't going to draw a line (quit drinking) because he was so stressed and he was under so much pressure that I didn't realize how hard his life was and he just wanted a nice quiet and warm (without noisy kids) place to unwind after work (sports bar with a bunch of TVs and alcoholic friends quiet???) quack, quack quack. Then he proceeced to pour out the most pathetic feel sorry for me crap that I EVER heard come out of HIS mouth. Then he proceeded to insult me (told me that all I ever fed the kids was junk food, blah, blah, blah). And that I didn't love him for years (this was true as last attempt at changing his life with AA and professional help was just to make himself look good to a judge really ended it for me because he fooled me with his act), why wasn't I attracted to him anymore, quack, quack, quack, and I didn't hug him when he came home from work (not true), that I had a roof over my head and we were fed and should be happy, blah, blah, blah.
Then he said in total seriousness: "Just before the accident I was on top of the world and then afterward I slowly climbed up there again, now I've fallen off the top of the world in the last few weeks". Boo, hoo. HIS top of the world is when he drinks and he doesn't have any consequences for his actions and everybody does what HE wants. I finally told him I had enough and all of the sudden I'm not in line anymore and enabling him and he has fallen off of his happy place. This is too much.
He even refused marriage counseling saying friends (again, single and/or divorced bar friends) told him that marriage counseling didn't work and that after all of the money is gone they tell you to get a divorce anyway (yeah, right). He then tried to play with my head when I told him that he only went to counseling once and left because he thought SHE (the counselor) was the nut. He told me that I was the one that told him he didn't need to go back because he didn't have a problem. I stopped him right there and stated that HE was the one that said that NEVER me or the counselor. He then got angry and wanted to call and ask her and see her records from four years ago, blah, blah, blah.
He's driving me crazy. He's spoiling the kids and they are falling for it and I know that just like before he will revert back to the same old crap. I've grown to detest the sight of him and can't stand to be in the same room with him.
This all sounds like desperation to me and he is using any method possible to try to get everything back in line the way he likes it. As he stood there pouring out his big speech about how his life was so hard for him (he goes to work, bar and home and does not help out at home at all) I saw him as a pathetic sick little bully and coward and realized that he will NEVER get help and doesn't see a problem as he said in the end that "I'm just a regular guy." Sad, really, but he's made his choices, now I have made mine.
He threatened to kill me a few times years ago if I left him. And truth be told, that is what has kept me in line all of those years - that and his temper (though he never hit me or anything). I am truely afraid of him because he has had a few run ins due to his road rage, but has never been caught. I have been afraid of him for years and he knows that. When I confronted him with what he said years ago he told me that that was a mistake and he couldn't believe that I brought something up from over ten years ago. I know of a few incidents where he threatened people with a gun and acting all threatening and then laying a gun up on the dashboard of his car to scare somebody. He said he would never hurt me or the kids, but when he's drunk he can be mean and stupid. To be honest, I'm petrified of him still for me and my kids.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
OM, your story is like mine, maybe our AH's know each other.
I think you're doing the right thing and I'm glad you've gotten to the point where you can see quacking easily enough.
I hope when the time comes I can have the same resolve and strength as you.
I think you're doing the right thing and I'm glad you've gotten to the point where you can see quacking easily enough.
I hope when the time comes I can have the same resolve and strength as you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
I suppose that a lot of people on here (male and female) would recognize some of these exact tactics too. Sad. Yes, all I hear is quacking from him anymore, there never has been real conversation for a long time, but at least now I recognize it as quacking.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
What a conversation!
So twisty, turvy, blaming, crazy, which-way-is-up?
When I get involved in those talks I have to take deep breaths, take some time out, and remind myself, over and over again, of MY truth.
I don't know YOUR truth, Blondie, but you do. When it's calm and quiet and you are surrounded by a group of like-minded people. When you post here.
When I am with friends, family, alone, in Al-Anon, reading here, visiting with professors, going to my son's doctor's appointments, I know the truth:
My husband is an alcoholic.
He will not stop drinking.
I will not live with drinking.
When I start "talking" to him, that truth gets obscured by his denial and his justification. I start to feel crazy, and I have to get away.
Take some time out. Maybe journal through all your feelings and fears from this conversation? Look back at old posts here?
Seeing, in writing, the truth of my feelings about my husband's drinking has really helped me be assertive about my needs in our relationship. Maybe, in his mind, the alcoholism is debatable, but I KNOW that I feel dissatisfied, a distant second to liquor and video games. And that is enough.
My truth is sufficient impetus for change.
Stay strong.
Hugs and prayers for you today.
-TC
So twisty, turvy, blaming, crazy, which-way-is-up?
When I get involved in those talks I have to take deep breaths, take some time out, and remind myself, over and over again, of MY truth.
I don't know YOUR truth, Blondie, but you do. When it's calm and quiet and you are surrounded by a group of like-minded people. When you post here.
When I am with friends, family, alone, in Al-Anon, reading here, visiting with professors, going to my son's doctor's appointments, I know the truth:
My husband is an alcoholic.
He will not stop drinking.
I will not live with drinking.
When I start "talking" to him, that truth gets obscured by his denial and his justification. I start to feel crazy, and I have to get away.
Take some time out. Maybe journal through all your feelings and fears from this conversation? Look back at old posts here?
Seeing, in writing, the truth of my feelings about my husband's drinking has really helped me be assertive about my needs in our relationship. Maybe, in his mind, the alcoholism is debatable, but I KNOW that I feel dissatisfied, a distant second to liquor and video games. And that is enough.
My truth is sufficient impetus for change.
Stay strong.
Hugs and prayers for you today.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Quack.
Quack.
Quack.
Blondie, I would definitely go back and read your posts here, every one of them. They are a record of the suffering you've gone through, and the suffering you will go through again. Look at the things he defends: he will likely not stop being a pathetic little bully of a barfly, will not stop being unfaithful, and will not get any less angry and unpredictable. Because he's still making excuses for all the pain he's caused, and telling you it is YOUR fault that you feel the pain at all. None of it's his fault, naturally. Wonder how he explains all the texts and the racy pictures on his cell phone? In any case: counseling is for people who desperately want to stay together and don't know how. If you can't stand being in the same room with him (I wouldn't be able to stand it either) then counseling is a huge waste of time, money, and care. Don't buy it.
Lots of women get out of truly violent, truly dangerous relationships safely. Yours is not of that caliber (at this point) and you can do whatever you like with the right precautions.
Myself? I would avoid any more of those 'deep conversations' that only serve to upset, confuse, and frighten you. They're all about him and his needs, just as your whole marriage has been.
Good luck!
Quack.
Quack.
Blondie, I would definitely go back and read your posts here, every one of them. They are a record of the suffering you've gone through, and the suffering you will go through again. Look at the things he defends: he will likely not stop being a pathetic little bully of a barfly, will not stop being unfaithful, and will not get any less angry and unpredictable. Because he's still making excuses for all the pain he's caused, and telling you it is YOUR fault that you feel the pain at all. None of it's his fault, naturally. Wonder how he explains all the texts and the racy pictures on his cell phone? In any case: counseling is for people who desperately want to stay together and don't know how. If you can't stand being in the same room with him (I wouldn't be able to stand it either) then counseling is a huge waste of time, money, and care. Don't buy it.
Lots of women get out of truly violent, truly dangerous relationships safely. Yours is not of that caliber (at this point) and you can do whatever you like with the right precautions.
Myself? I would avoid any more of those 'deep conversations' that only serve to upset, confuse, and frighten you. They're all about him and his needs, just as your whole marriage has been.
Good luck!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
This all sounds like desperation to me and he is using any method possible to try to get everything back in line the way he likes it.
Sounds like it was ALL QUACKING. Instead of counseling for you and him, lol, you might want to research some for the children. I have a hunch they really need it or will shortly. You are right, you are working your program and seeing the 'same old same old' they want so bad to believe that they will believe as long as possible.
They have probably already 'lashed out' at you several times and will probably do so more as you continue your road of recovery and separating from this man. However, down the road, with help, they will see what the reality is, and hopefully it will help them in the future not to get 'sucked in' by a master manipulator.
Your recovery is shining. Thank you .
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
When I was in the process of leaving my alcoholic husband I experienced something similar. He also had an OW and said over and over they were just friends. Yes, they were "friends"....with a sexual relationship. He later told me having sex with someone is not having a sexual relationship.:rotfxko
Anyway, I'm the stubborn hard headed codie type...and needed more proof as the crazy-making from him really screwed up my sense of reality. So I got to learn about hidden credit cards and prepaid cell phones. Once I saw the extent of the lies I took action. When I look back on that time I feel so sad for the old me....but now I can also see how much progress I have made!
Once I took action, the "hoovering" took place (my friend uses that term and it cracks me up). Wedding ring that was off his finger for 10 years appeared, things I had wanted done for years finished, attentive husband of the year, etc. etc. What wasn't present was an admission of alcoholism from him, a plan of recovery, or any action at all to address the A issue or the emotional abuse issue. When, uncharacteristically, I didn't fall for his act of sucking me back in, he flew into a rage of proportions I had never seen before and it was scary. That is when I knew what I had to do.
Blondie, I read a book that greatly helped me and it was, "Why Does he do That" by Lundy Bancroft. I highly recommend it.
Anyway, I'm the stubborn hard headed codie type...and needed more proof as the crazy-making from him really screwed up my sense of reality. So I got to learn about hidden credit cards and prepaid cell phones. Once I saw the extent of the lies I took action. When I look back on that time I feel so sad for the old me....but now I can also see how much progress I have made!
Once I took action, the "hoovering" took place (my friend uses that term and it cracks me up). Wedding ring that was off his finger for 10 years appeared, things I had wanted done for years finished, attentive husband of the year, etc. etc. What wasn't present was an admission of alcoholism from him, a plan of recovery, or any action at all to address the A issue or the emotional abuse issue. When, uncharacteristically, I didn't fall for his act of sucking me back in, he flew into a rage of proportions I had never seen before and it was scary. That is when I knew what I had to do.
Blondie, I read a book that greatly helped me and it was, "Why Does he do That" by Lundy Bancroft. I highly recommend it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Whatever his excuses, his behaviors are unacceptbale to you. Don't doubt yourself and your own perceptions.
OW is just a friend? Fine, it's possible. But she is a friend you object to him spending so much time with but he doesn't care that this is a problem for you. A couple with a good relationship could discuss this and find a mutally acceptable way to go forward. What are the chances of that happening?
OW is just a friend? Fine, it's possible. But she is a friend you object to him spending so much time with but he doesn't care that this is a problem for you. A couple with a good relationship could discuss this and find a mutally acceptable way to go forward. What are the chances of that happening?
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
You sound like you're in the same predicament as I am- except mine knows I want to separate and he is starting to make it difficult as he loses control. I know what has been helping me is coming here and writing what I need to to people who understand. Hearing people who have "made it to the other side" comforts me as well. I also started keeping a journal -- in it, I have cut out and pasted many different quotes, different posts from here, different poems, etc. as well as added my feelings -- I carry it with me and look at it everyday and it is giving me strength. When my mom left my dad, I talked with her about the sadness she felt (they were married over 20 years and she stayed because of the kids). She said she often felt those feelings of loss and sadness but whenever she did, she took out a picture of our last Christmas together when he was totally blotto and couldn't even make it to dinner. When she looked at that, all the other feelings went away! That is why I'm carrying around the book and it is working for me.
I'm just starting the process and I am petrified but I KNOW I can't live like this any more. I hope you find the peace you are searching for
TTG
I'm just starting the process and I am petrified but I KNOW I can't live like this any more. I hope you find the peace you are searching for
TTG
Freed from the anguish
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
((((Blondie))))
I want to strongly encourage you to read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. If you can afford it, I'd say purchase yourself a copy so you can write notes and underline and reference it all later (it's helped me TREMENDOUSLY).
Your AH's behaviors and attitudes sound a lot like my AH's. Seriously, if you read this book, your eyes will be opened to everything that is like a big, ugly fog of confusion right now.
*huge hug* Take care of you and stop allowing him treat you like this - it has already seriously affected you - and though you may not see it yet, it is affecting your child(ren) too.
- JustMe
I want to strongly encourage you to read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. If you can afford it, I'd say purchase yourself a copy so you can write notes and underline and reference it all later (it's helped me TREMENDOUSLY).
Your AH's behaviors and attitudes sound a lot like my AH's. Seriously, if you read this book, your eyes will be opened to everything that is like a big, ugly fog of confusion right now.
*huge hug* Take care of you and stop allowing him treat you like this - it has already seriously affected you - and though you may not see it yet, it is affecting your child(ren) too.
- JustMe
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Yes, I fully intend on getting counceling for the kids. I found out yesterday that he lied to them and told them that he drinks before coming home so he wouldn't be so grumpy (doesn't work). That's sad and sick!
Yes, I am fully convinced at this point that he and OW are NOT just friends and it has been going on all summer. He said he would never do that to me, but alcohol makes people crazy. From the sound of her text to him (the two I've read) it sounds like she wants him bad. She can have him. They are both alcoholics who will live miserably ever after. I'm the third wheel and I'm getting out. Tired of his "I love you and need you crap". Boy has THAT gotten old.
Yes, I am fully convinced at this point that he and OW are NOT just friends and it has been going on all summer. He said he would never do that to me, but alcohol makes people crazy. From the sound of her text to him (the two I've read) it sounds like she wants him bad. She can have him. They are both alcoholics who will live miserably ever after. I'm the third wheel and I'm getting out. Tired of his "I love you and need you crap". Boy has THAT gotten old.
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