sslusser

Hello everyone. It has been a while since I have posted anything but I have been keeping up with my reading.

Things had been moving along in my life. My son and I are still living outside of our home while the AW is still living in the home. Divorce papers had been filed and we were just waiting for all of that to run its course. I had made plans to go south to get out of the cold and take my kids (I also have a 16 year old step daughter that I have raised since she was 2.5, she is living with her bio dad now) to Georgia for Christmas to see my family. Right before we left, my AW decides that she has made the biggest mistake of her life. Of course once she made this realization she opened a bottle of wine, totally disregard my feelings and made the whole thing all about her. In my mind it was a little funny in way, she still didn't get it.

Now, I have actually become ok with the situation. I am looking forward to the fresh start. A life of MY making. I have gotten used to the lack of drama.

So we went. I had a great, calm, time with my kids. It really was wonderful.

Now, I figure that something must have happened to her. A Christmas Carol of sorts while we were gone. The reality of waking up on Christmas morning must have hit her like a ton of bricks.

She has started to go to AA meetings and does seem genuine about her intention to battle her addiction. I tell her that I am proud of her for doing that as I know it is a Herculean task to do so. She says she want to rebuild our family unit.

I say that the relationship that we had is dead and can not be revived. There are things that she said and did that I wouldn't have thought she was capable of. There is the other man that moved in right after I took my son and left. All of these things that I have a hard time getting past.

I want her to succeed in this battle. I want to be supportive. I DON'T WANT TO GET SUCKED BACK INTO THE MIRE.

I have been out of my house for 4 months. If she had done this 3.5 months ago, I would have been ecstatic. As it is now, I just don't know. I mean of course I want the idyllic version of family life I have in my mind. That is what I signed up for. It is not what I ended up with, though. I don't trust her and have told her so. I said that her actions will bear out her sincerity. That I have heard all the words before and they always turned out to be just words.

In every way, this is so much harder than leaving in the first place. When she was insane and drunk I knew why I was leaving. This is strange. I have a glimpse of her the way she was when I married her. I recognize her but she is still a stranger.

She wanted to talk yesterday. I was free as my son was spending the night at a friends house. She and I went to dinner and a movie. Basically I just let her come along in the plans I had already made for myself. We talked and I said all of these things to her. She keeps saying she is going to fix herself. I keep saying great, let me know when you do.

I am so torn. I have been asking my HP for help. It is so hard to let it all go. My mind knows exactly what to do. It knows that she will fall off again and if I am around her I will get sucked into the whirlwind all over again.

My heart wants to believe in her. It wants us to have the life we planned out.

The cynic in me has this to say: I know that her OM relationship ended, Christmas happened, her lack of money has become apparent and we are getting to the point of final preparation for the divorce. The timing makes me think this is more survival mode than humility and a true desire to make things right.

Sorry for the long post. I just needed to get some of this out.

Daisy30

thanks sslusser....I am you 4 months ago...lol I am just now seprating from my AH

But i see some similarities....It's like they start throwing out everything in their bag of tricks when hey start to feel us pulling away. I understand that feeling when your head is telling you one thing and your heart another.

I can't say whether or not she'll stay sober or if she is actually in recovery now. But who knows....if she does recover she will understand why you had to leave. If she stays recovered maybe you could get back together after a while. You never know.??

But for now you will have your serenity. You choose if and when you see her. You are in control of you Isn't that a great place to be!

ETA: Thanks for the reminder to be positive with our A's. Sometimes I am so caught up in my own thoughts that I forget to give AH the encouragement he deserves.

inahaze

Personally, I've found it a difficult decision to make, stay or go? I've left my AH only to come back again. At one point I found myself in pretty much the exact position you are right now, promising to change because he didn't want to lose his family over something as stupid as alcohol. I've always bought it hook, line and sinker and ran blindly back to him.

Unfortunately my story doesn't have a happy outcome because he still drinks. He's not a daily, slobbering drunk, but rather a slightly intoxicated 3-4x's a week guy that spits out mean, hateful thinks that I'd never say.

Our senses get mixed up because we are tossed bits of the person we all fell for in the midst of some drinking and verbal assaults. Most of the time I think logically we can all perceive what needs to be...leave and let the other party deal with their problems. Emotionally, it's very hard detatching from the person you once knew and still very much love despite all things.

sslusser

At the time I left the decision was very clear cut. I had to go. I could not live that way anymore. She also wanted it to be that way then. Now, that she has had this change of heart, the fog sets in.

All I can do is wait to see. I can take care of me and mine and wait to see. It is nice to have some control over when and where I see her. I can prepare for it.

Ago

Sslusser, Good to "see" you, although I'm sorry it's in these circumstances, I always loved what you have/had to say.

Recovery is a process not an event. It takes a long time to change the underlying patterns of a lifetime for a practicing alcoholic. It takes a long time to "forgive and forget" and to move on for us.

I left my Xagf when she was very early in sobriety...I just couldn't do it anymore, we kept breaking up, there would be the "return to mental health" for me, and maybe even for her, she'd get "sorted out" then she would come back to me, saying everything I ever wanted to hear.

Each successive return our time was shorter together.

I'm not going to say don't go back, or Go back, the only thing observations and suggestions I have are these, Most of my friends have long term sobriety, the one thing we pretty much agree on is it takes many many years for A's (us) to learn how to stop lying, to stop manipulating, to break these lifelong habits that led us to drink in the first place, be aware that there is no "magical cure", it takes a TON of work on both sides of the ball to make things get healthy, many times alcoholics "stop growing" when they get what they want. Many return to drinking.

This is my experience on both sides of the ball, and it's vast (my experience in this)

I have found (like Toughchoices and others) that remaining separated during this process was an absolute necessity for me in order to have even a semblance of sanity, whether I stayed or left.

Anyway, the short version is take care of yourself, no matter what that looks like or how "callous" it looks, you absolutely deserve the best for yourself and the kids.

Love is an action word, not what comes out of somebodies mouth.

sojourner

go with your gut about her being in survival mode here - only time will tell if she chooses recovery .....

GiveLove

SSlusser, this sounds like a mantra you can use daily. If she's truly interested in recovery and NOT just quacking because she's scared and wants her comfy enabler back (which is a more likely scenario), then give her six months or a year and see how her efforts go. Can both your head and your heart live with that?

Dragging your kids back into this only a few days after she's had this so-called epiphany is unfair. If you want to be supportive of someone, consider continuing to be support of THEM, and of YOU. Your AW has some work to do first.