I went backwards...now what
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 15
I went backwards...now what
After my ex boyfriend went home for xmas i swore i would never see him again because of what he did to me. The last time he was at my place he twisted my arm and threw me on the ground.
Then he came back and I ended up picking him up from the airport and spending the night in a hotel room. We ended up having a nice night and had sex and then he was off outwest to go work the next day.
I miss him so much now. Last night I tried to get ahold of him and couldn't, i tried all night and even phoned his hotel room. I think he might have been with a girl or something. I got a hold of him in the morning and he said he had been sleeping and did not answer the phone and that his cell phone was out of battery. I don't have a clue what is going on....it is killing me if he was with someone else...i just am completely lost and he is supposly at work now and he is not answering phone and phone is shut off........i am panicking...please help
Then he came back and I ended up picking him up from the airport and spending the night in a hotel room. We ended up having a nice night and had sex and then he was off outwest to go work the next day.
I miss him so much now. Last night I tried to get ahold of him and couldn't, i tried all night and even phoned his hotel room. I think he might have been with a girl or something. I got a hold of him in the morning and he said he had been sleeping and did not answer the phone and that his cell phone was out of battery. I don't have a clue what is going on....it is killing me if he was with someone else...i just am completely lost and he is supposly at work now and he is not answering phone and phone is shut off........i am panicking...please help
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm sorry - but really, the only person who can help is you. He hurt you, you can not trust him, you slept with him although it is possible he is or has been with someone else. He ignores your calls and only wants you when he needs something...Is this really love? Is this really what you want for yourself?
Please try to do something for yourself - get and read Codependent No More...try some Naranon or Alanon or CODA meetings...think about counseling. You deserve so much more than what you are permitting. Your title says you went backwards...We all do; it is often part of our recovery. But it doesn't mean we have to stay there. Baby step by baby step, we can move forward. Hugs
Please try to do something for yourself - get and read Codependent No More...try some Naranon or Alanon or CODA meetings...think about counseling. You deserve so much more than what you are permitting. Your title says you went backwards...We all do; it is often part of our recovery. But it doesn't mean we have to stay there. Baby step by baby step, we can move forward. Hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((((EX))))))) (that means hugs.) No one has given up on you. People are concerned for your safety and want you to know that you do deserve better.
Unfortunately the pattern with abuse is that the abuser makes the abused believe that she is worthless, stupid, ugly, unfaithful, etc. etc. Over time, when said so often, the person who is abused comes to believe this is true. It isn't true and I think that is what everyone here wants you to know. You deserve so much more than what this man gives you.
I saw in your other posts that you have started reading Codependent No More...have you continued? Does it help you to see the dance of addiction?
We are here for you and no one has given up on you. By posting here, you are taking that first step to help yourself...keep moving forward
Unfortunately the pattern with abuse is that the abuser makes the abused believe that she is worthless, stupid, ugly, unfaithful, etc. etc. Over time, when said so often, the person who is abused comes to believe this is true. It isn't true and I think that is what everyone here wants you to know. You deserve so much more than what this man gives you.
I saw in your other posts that you have started reading Codependent No More...have you continued? Does it help you to see the dance of addiction?
We are here for you and no one has given up on you. By posting here, you are taking that first step to help yourself...keep moving forward
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hi Ex
No-one has given up on you honey. There is some great advice here but it depends on whether you are willing to use it or not.
What I am about to say, I find really hard as it is my son who did this.
Even though my son is in recovery from drugs & alcohol, the things he did while using disgust me. His girlfriend put up with his abusive behaviour for 3yrs and I continually worried that something bad would happen. Well, it did. I didnt raise my son to be an abuser, the drugs did that for him as he was out of control. While your bf is using, nothing will change, he is looking after number one, himself.
Ask yourself why you miss him, why its ok to put up with someone treating you badly, what is it about him that you love?
Then, ask yourself what part of your life is he filling?
No-one can tell you what to do but if you honestly look at why you think you need this crap in your life, the answer will be there.
Self esteem is a mysterious thing, one day there, one day not. It truly is our thinking that chooses our path. Try and be strong and look at what you really want in your life. We dont have to take seconds.
Once I removed my sons behaviour from my life and realized i was going to fix him, it became easier.
I wish you well.
JJ
No-one has given up on you honey. There is some great advice here but it depends on whether you are willing to use it or not.
What I am about to say, I find really hard as it is my son who did this.
Even though my son is in recovery from drugs & alcohol, the things he did while using disgust me. His girlfriend put up with his abusive behaviour for 3yrs and I continually worried that something bad would happen. Well, it did. I didnt raise my son to be an abuser, the drugs did that for him as he was out of control. While your bf is using, nothing will change, he is looking after number one, himself.
Ask yourself why you miss him, why its ok to put up with someone treating you badly, what is it about him that you love?
Then, ask yourself what part of your life is he filling?
No-one can tell you what to do but if you honestly look at why you think you need this crap in your life, the answer will be there.
Self esteem is a mysterious thing, one day there, one day not. It truly is our thinking that chooses our path. Try and be strong and look at what you really want in your life. We dont have to take seconds.
Once I removed my sons behaviour from my life and realized i was going to fix him, it became easier.
I wish you well.
JJ
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Please dont ever feel anyone here would be disappointed with you!!!! Some of us here have walked in those very shoes you are in.
I lived with an abusive man for a long time before I got the strength to say no to the abuse. Freedom is right abuse only gets worse. I suffered alot at the hands of my ex husband.
But let me tell you that the silver lining in that cloud was this: When my exabf started abusing his scripts for his back injury and I began to feel that life was out of control and I did not could not live that way any longer I made him leave. I dont think I could have done that had I not already lived a life of terror in the past.
The abuse I suffered made me stronger and it will do the same for you if you let it. Noone and I mean noone deserves that kind of treatment NO MATTER WHAT.
Pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You made a mistake. Your human. We all make mistakes. Move on and pray that God allows you to see this as something that made you stronger.
I lived with an abusive man for a long time before I got the strength to say no to the abuse. Freedom is right abuse only gets worse. I suffered alot at the hands of my ex husband.
But let me tell you that the silver lining in that cloud was this: When my exabf started abusing his scripts for his back injury and I began to feel that life was out of control and I did not could not live that way any longer I made him leave. I dont think I could have done that had I not already lived a life of terror in the past.
The abuse I suffered made me stronger and it will do the same for you if you let it. Noone and I mean noone deserves that kind of treatment NO MATTER WHAT.
Pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You made a mistake. Your human. We all make mistakes. Move on and pray that God allows you to see this as something that made you stronger.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Definitely not given up. Just imagine if your friend/sister/mother told you, "a man physically abused me, did drugs, probably cheated on me." How would you react?
I try to think of it terms of a child. My little girl is 18 months old. Do I want her to grow up and be with a man who does the above? You were 18 months old once, an innocent toddler padding around the room playing with toys. Do you think that anyone who loved you, cared for you, adored you, would say to themselves, "boy, I hope my little girl gets a man like that when she grows up."
Just try to put yourself in the shoes of others. Most of us have been in your shoes now--are still in your shoes. Stepping outside yourself and looking at how HIS addiction has hurt you, has damaged your trust, has taken away your self esteem and self worth is not easy.
You should be apologizing for nothing, my dear. He is the one who probably has a laundry list of things to say "I'm sorry" for.
Just hang in there. Try not to panic. Sometimes, folks can get addicted to the adrenaline rush that comes when bad (and good) things happen in a relationship. The yo-yo of up and down with the emotions becomes old habit, a thing we grow comfortable with on a sick, twisted level.
Break free. You deserve happiness.
I try to think of it terms of a child. My little girl is 18 months old. Do I want her to grow up and be with a man who does the above? You were 18 months old once, an innocent toddler padding around the room playing with toys. Do you think that anyone who loved you, cared for you, adored you, would say to themselves, "boy, I hope my little girl gets a man like that when she grows up."
Just try to put yourself in the shoes of others. Most of us have been in your shoes now--are still in your shoes. Stepping outside yourself and looking at how HIS addiction has hurt you, has damaged your trust, has taken away your self esteem and self worth is not easy.
You should be apologizing for nothing, my dear. He is the one who probably has a laundry list of things to say "I'm sorry" for.
Just hang in there. Try not to panic. Sometimes, folks can get addicted to the adrenaline rush that comes when bad (and good) things happen in a relationship. The yo-yo of up and down with the emotions becomes old habit, a thing we grow comfortable with on a sick, twisted level.
Break free. You deserve happiness.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
There was a man in my life who I felt defined my very existence. My day was either sunny or cloudy depending on whether or not he was speaking to me or not......
That is obsession...not love.
I now know that if a man really loves me, he will want what is best for me regardless of whether or not it will make him happy. That is what I now have! Plus, no single person defines my existence but me.
Please don't beat yourself up too......take a deep breath, keep posting, and keep moving forward. ((((EXGF))))
That is obsession...not love.
I now know that if a man really loves me, he will want what is best for me regardless of whether or not it will make him happy. That is what I now have! Plus, no single person defines my existence but me.
Please don't beat yourself up too......take a deep breath, keep posting, and keep moving forward. ((((EXGF))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Its not that anyone is giving up on you its that we dont accept physical abuse in anyway. Many of us here have been in that cycle of abuse and despise seeing anyone else going through it. I went through several physically abusive relationships before i finally said no more. I wont allow a man to ever lay a hand on me.
We know from experience that it never ends - once a man has hit you he wont stop - it goes far beyond addiction. It is a personality that has no respect for a woman and it wont stop. I went back many times to abusive men and the abuse always escallated - he always turned it around on me, excused it and I always found some way to rationalize it in my mind. It always starts out small - one push - one bruise from grabbing your arm too hard and it always escalates. Dont fool yourself into thinking that yours wont get as bad as mine did. I had one try to shoot me and another that beat me in the street while i covered my baby with my body. Guess what - i went back to them and i'm lucky to be alive right now. But I did finally get it and got away- I almost died in the process but they did finally beat some sense into my head - something finally snapped and I said no more.
Flash forward and last year my own son became physically abusive with me. It was emotionally shattering for me - that after putting my foot down in my romantic relationships that suddenly i had a child treating me this way. The first time i looked in the mirror and saw bruises on my body was one of the saddest moments of my life. But, I again excused it - blamed it on the drugs - thought that somehow i had pushed him too hard and then i realized NO - he cannot do that to me. I started having him arrested if he even emotionally got to the point that i was scared - just scaring me meant he went to jail. The police told me not to wait until he got violent - call them as soon as he started acting like he was loosing control. At first he kept saying i was overexaggerating - that he never really hit me (he only pushed me - held me down - trapped me in my room - broke down my bedroom door - tore up the room - but never punched me dead on). He denied that my bruises ever came from him. He does not do this anymore because i proved to him that it was not going to be tolerated by me that any form of agression meant the law was called.
I thought that i knew these men and that they didnt want to do those things to me. Now i know they did want to do those things to me - they were keeping me in line with what they wanted and the worst thing was I allowed it. I didnt behave the way they wanted me to so they beat me.
Your bf had sex with you and then doesnt talk to you for days - that's not the behavior of someone who cares for you - that is the behavior of someone stringing you along - keeping you chasing him because as long as you chase him he has the control. Your bf has physically hurt you which means he has no respect for your body - then you in turn give him the gift of your body so you have just told him that its okay for him to hurt you and that no matter what he does to you, you will keep coming back for more. It also tells me that you have lost respect for yourself just as i had done. He is never going to stop abusing you that i have no doubt about - but you can stop abusing yourself. No man will ever lay a hand on me again and get away with it.
So you know what it took for me to say No More - what will it take for you to say No More.
We know from experience that it never ends - once a man has hit you he wont stop - it goes far beyond addiction. It is a personality that has no respect for a woman and it wont stop. I went back many times to abusive men and the abuse always escallated - he always turned it around on me, excused it and I always found some way to rationalize it in my mind. It always starts out small - one push - one bruise from grabbing your arm too hard and it always escalates. Dont fool yourself into thinking that yours wont get as bad as mine did. I had one try to shoot me and another that beat me in the street while i covered my baby with my body. Guess what - i went back to them and i'm lucky to be alive right now. But I did finally get it and got away- I almost died in the process but they did finally beat some sense into my head - something finally snapped and I said no more.
Flash forward and last year my own son became physically abusive with me. It was emotionally shattering for me - that after putting my foot down in my romantic relationships that suddenly i had a child treating me this way. The first time i looked in the mirror and saw bruises on my body was one of the saddest moments of my life. But, I again excused it - blamed it on the drugs - thought that somehow i had pushed him too hard and then i realized NO - he cannot do that to me. I started having him arrested if he even emotionally got to the point that i was scared - just scaring me meant he went to jail. The police told me not to wait until he got violent - call them as soon as he started acting like he was loosing control. At first he kept saying i was overexaggerating - that he never really hit me (he only pushed me - held me down - trapped me in my room - broke down my bedroom door - tore up the room - but never punched me dead on). He denied that my bruises ever came from him. He does not do this anymore because i proved to him that it was not going to be tolerated by me that any form of agression meant the law was called.
I thought that i knew these men and that they didnt want to do those things to me. Now i know they did want to do those things to me - they were keeping me in line with what they wanted and the worst thing was I allowed it. I didnt behave the way they wanted me to so they beat me.
Your bf had sex with you and then doesnt talk to you for days - that's not the behavior of someone who cares for you - that is the behavior of someone stringing you along - keeping you chasing him because as long as you chase him he has the control. Your bf has physically hurt you which means he has no respect for your body - then you in turn give him the gift of your body so you have just told him that its okay for him to hurt you and that no matter what he does to you, you will keep coming back for more. It also tells me that you have lost respect for yourself just as i had done. He is never going to stop abusing you that i have no doubt about - but you can stop abusing yourself. No man will ever lay a hand on me again and get away with it.
So you know what it took for me to say No More - what will it take for you to say No More.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Don't beat yourself up,
Just pick yourself back up and dust yourself off and move on..
If you continue to let him in your life, you are going to get the same insanity, the same hurt and the same confusion that you have been offered to far.. Is this how you want to live your life? Is this the type of relationship that you think you deserve..
Often times, we confuse sex with love.. the two can and often time do exist without the other..
Sweetie, he is using you, he is hurting you and he is still the same person that he was when you dropped him off at the airport before Christmas..
The real question is this... Are you the same person you were when you dropped him off? Or are you the girl that is nurturing herself and detatching herself from unhealthy relationships?
Just pick yourself back up and dust yourself off and move on..
If you continue to let him in your life, you are going to get the same insanity, the same hurt and the same confusion that you have been offered to far.. Is this how you want to live your life? Is this the type of relationship that you think you deserve..
Often times, we confuse sex with love.. the two can and often time do exist without the other..
Sweetie, he is using you, he is hurting you and he is still the same person that he was when you dropped him off at the airport before Christmas..
The real question is this... Are you the same person you were when you dropped him off? Or are you the girl that is nurturing herself and detatching herself from unhealthy relationships?
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