Sister of addict in need of help, please.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Central New Jersey
Posts: 1
Sister of addict in need of help, please.
Hello all-
I am the younger sister of a drug addict. My story is long but I really could use some help;
I am 21 years old with a brother, 23, who is addicted. It started a few years ago when he hurt his back and had to have two major back surgeries within two years. In order for him to cope with the pain, the doctors prescribed Oxycontin/Roxycontin/etc. From here, which is a story that is all too common, he developed a wicked addiction to them and really needed them to function day to day and he got caught up in the world of drug dealing and started to abuse other drugs like coke and even the pain pills. I believe it was late spring/early summer that it got to the point where my mom wanted him off those meds so he started a Suboxone program(which was his 2nd time) and unfortunately this time it didn't work so the only option left was for him to start a Methadone program.
Back track to even before he hurt his back; our parents got divorced when we were young- he was about 6 or 7- because our dad was an alcoholic(later became sober). We saw our dad occasionally but I consider myself to be raised primarily by my mom. When he was about 11 or 12 our mom met a man and he moved in, they married and he became our Step-Dad. My brother and step-dad did not get along, so it caused a lot of problems. When my brother was 20, our dad passed away from liver failure because of the years of abuse. In high school, he did drugs too but I think more recreational rather than addiction, although I am not sure because he is a manipulator and liar so no one really knows the true story. Since he was a teenager- he has been in trouble a handful of times with the law but our Dad, and Uncle and Grandfather were all cops so nothing big really ever came of it and he usually got off the hook. Also- he was a star athlete in high school so I think a lot of people let things slide because he was so talented. As you can see, there is a list of excuses as to why he is the way he is.
In December, he got a DUI because he was high and driving. Once that happened, I think my mom opened her eyes and got really serious, or at least what she thinks is serious, about getting him clean. He was going to a Methadone clinic but that stopped because they didn't really care about detoxing him so my mom took charge of the methadone and has been administering it each morning and evening to him, thinking that he is just taking that but as I found out the other day; it's not the case. Prior to him getting the DUI, I told my mom that something was going on and that he wasn't doing the right thing. He would have friends over and they would lock themselves in his room. There were occasions where my mom would go into his room and him and his friends would be nodding out because they were so messed up. He sleeps all day, doesn't work, doesn't go to school, pretty much does nothing. In the summer, i walked into his room and there was a needle on his desk. I didn't know what to do so I kept it to myself for a while and then told my mom and when she confronted him about it, he lied, like he always does. After the DUI, I searched his room and found 20+ needles, a spoon, a meth/crack pipe and and random pills. Since the DUI, like i mentioned, my mom has been administering his medicine and I was really happy that he was doing well but the other evening I went into his room because our dog was barking for 5+ minutes to get out of his room and he was passed out in a computer chair with food hanging out of his mouth with the TV blaring and the dog barking. When I woke him up, he was completely out of it and just said that he was drunk but it was 6:30 in the evening and people were home. I asked my younger brother if he saw him drinking and he said no, he had been in his room since he got his dinner. I knew something was up so the next day i looked in his room, which stills amazes me at how stupid he is, and I found a bottle of the methadone, some diazapam and Valium, a spoon with burn marks on the bottom and residue on the top, something that almost looked like brass brillo and another meth/crack pipe with black stuff at one side. So this whole time he has been taking the meds my mom has been giving him and then adding to it with his own secret stash. I am yet to tell my mom because I am scared. It's one of those things where I know what I need to do but I can't bring myself to do it. He has also stolen significant amounts of money from my mom, numerous times, and cashed them at check cashing places and lied and said they were all co-pays for his chiropracter, stolen my mom's wedding ring from my dad and pawned it off, stole other pieces of jewelery, etc. yet somehow, he's still the apple of my mom's eye.
There are so many things that I wish were different. I wish my mom did more; why am I the one looking in his room for stuff? Shouldn't she be the one? I feel like she doesn't even care although from the things I've read, she probably is in denial and in her eyes she is doing all she can do, although i also think she is an enabler because she is always making excuses for him but I mean I'm 21 years old, I don't think I should be the one to have to do this. Also- post DUI & when my mom took over the methadone she made a contract for him that he signed which stated that he must keep his bedroom door open all the time, he must wake up by 10 am, he can't smoke cigarettes in the house, he must work and if he can't find a job he needs to volunteer or visit family or do something constructive with his time, he can't use ANY other medication except the methadone, etc. and the consequence of him not following it would be him getting kicked out. He hasn't followed one of them yet he is still living with us. He is the type of person who just does what they want. My mom sets rules and he just blatantly disobeys them but she does NOTHING. I question her about it and her response is that she isn't going to fight everyday with him. It's gotten to the point where it's getting between my mom & I. We have a very close relationship but I can't sit around pretending everything is okay when he is obviously not okay. I feel like everyday it eats away at me and I am becoming this bitter, nasty person and I don't want to be that way, at all. I love my brother and just want him to get better but I don't know what to do. I feel like one day we're going to go in his room and he's going to be dead. I will no longer have 2 brothers. My younger brother & I are doing so well; doing great in school, have jobs, follow rules, don't get in trouble, etc. but i just feel like this is tearing our family apart. I feel responsible for it because my mom just does nothing.
Also- important to include- the goal is to get him to a low enough dosage of the methadone so that he can go to a in-patient detox and treatment program. Right now he is at too high of a level, because he was on the oxycontin for years, so he needs to detox before he can detox, which is so screwed up, but that's insurance companies for ya.
I apologize for this being so long but this is years in the making and there was so much to get off my chest. I have no one to talk to because honestly, I'm embarrassed by it. If anyone has any words of wisdom or has been in this situation, PLEASE let me know. Thank You & God Bless.
I am the younger sister of a drug addict. My story is long but I really could use some help;
I am 21 years old with a brother, 23, who is addicted. It started a few years ago when he hurt his back and had to have two major back surgeries within two years. In order for him to cope with the pain, the doctors prescribed Oxycontin/Roxycontin/etc. From here, which is a story that is all too common, he developed a wicked addiction to them and really needed them to function day to day and he got caught up in the world of drug dealing and started to abuse other drugs like coke and even the pain pills. I believe it was late spring/early summer that it got to the point where my mom wanted him off those meds so he started a Suboxone program(which was his 2nd time) and unfortunately this time it didn't work so the only option left was for him to start a Methadone program.
Back track to even before he hurt his back; our parents got divorced when we were young- he was about 6 or 7- because our dad was an alcoholic(later became sober). We saw our dad occasionally but I consider myself to be raised primarily by my mom. When he was about 11 or 12 our mom met a man and he moved in, they married and he became our Step-Dad. My brother and step-dad did not get along, so it caused a lot of problems. When my brother was 20, our dad passed away from liver failure because of the years of abuse. In high school, he did drugs too but I think more recreational rather than addiction, although I am not sure because he is a manipulator and liar so no one really knows the true story. Since he was a teenager- he has been in trouble a handful of times with the law but our Dad, and Uncle and Grandfather were all cops so nothing big really ever came of it and he usually got off the hook. Also- he was a star athlete in high school so I think a lot of people let things slide because he was so talented. As you can see, there is a list of excuses as to why he is the way he is.
In December, he got a DUI because he was high and driving. Once that happened, I think my mom opened her eyes and got really serious, or at least what she thinks is serious, about getting him clean. He was going to a Methadone clinic but that stopped because they didn't really care about detoxing him so my mom took charge of the methadone and has been administering it each morning and evening to him, thinking that he is just taking that but as I found out the other day; it's not the case. Prior to him getting the DUI, I told my mom that something was going on and that he wasn't doing the right thing. He would have friends over and they would lock themselves in his room. There were occasions where my mom would go into his room and him and his friends would be nodding out because they were so messed up. He sleeps all day, doesn't work, doesn't go to school, pretty much does nothing. In the summer, i walked into his room and there was a needle on his desk. I didn't know what to do so I kept it to myself for a while and then told my mom and when she confronted him about it, he lied, like he always does. After the DUI, I searched his room and found 20+ needles, a spoon, a meth/crack pipe and and random pills. Since the DUI, like i mentioned, my mom has been administering his medicine and I was really happy that he was doing well but the other evening I went into his room because our dog was barking for 5+ minutes to get out of his room and he was passed out in a computer chair with food hanging out of his mouth with the TV blaring and the dog barking. When I woke him up, he was completely out of it and just said that he was drunk but it was 6:30 in the evening and people were home. I asked my younger brother if he saw him drinking and he said no, he had been in his room since he got his dinner. I knew something was up so the next day i looked in his room, which stills amazes me at how stupid he is, and I found a bottle of the methadone, some diazapam and Valium, a spoon with burn marks on the bottom and residue on the top, something that almost looked like brass brillo and another meth/crack pipe with black stuff at one side. So this whole time he has been taking the meds my mom has been giving him and then adding to it with his own secret stash. I am yet to tell my mom because I am scared. It's one of those things where I know what I need to do but I can't bring myself to do it. He has also stolen significant amounts of money from my mom, numerous times, and cashed them at check cashing places and lied and said they were all co-pays for his chiropracter, stolen my mom's wedding ring from my dad and pawned it off, stole other pieces of jewelery, etc. yet somehow, he's still the apple of my mom's eye.
There are so many things that I wish were different. I wish my mom did more; why am I the one looking in his room for stuff? Shouldn't she be the one? I feel like she doesn't even care although from the things I've read, she probably is in denial and in her eyes she is doing all she can do, although i also think she is an enabler because she is always making excuses for him but I mean I'm 21 years old, I don't think I should be the one to have to do this. Also- post DUI & when my mom took over the methadone she made a contract for him that he signed which stated that he must keep his bedroom door open all the time, he must wake up by 10 am, he can't smoke cigarettes in the house, he must work and if he can't find a job he needs to volunteer or visit family or do something constructive with his time, he can't use ANY other medication except the methadone, etc. and the consequence of him not following it would be him getting kicked out. He hasn't followed one of them yet he is still living with us. He is the type of person who just does what they want. My mom sets rules and he just blatantly disobeys them but she does NOTHING. I question her about it and her response is that she isn't going to fight everyday with him. It's gotten to the point where it's getting between my mom & I. We have a very close relationship but I can't sit around pretending everything is okay when he is obviously not okay. I feel like everyday it eats away at me and I am becoming this bitter, nasty person and I don't want to be that way, at all. I love my brother and just want him to get better but I don't know what to do. I feel like one day we're going to go in his room and he's going to be dead. I will no longer have 2 brothers. My younger brother & I are doing so well; doing great in school, have jobs, follow rules, don't get in trouble, etc. but i just feel like this is tearing our family apart. I feel responsible for it because my mom just does nothing.
Also- important to include- the goal is to get him to a low enough dosage of the methadone so that he can go to a in-patient detox and treatment program. Right now he is at too high of a level, because he was on the oxycontin for years, so he needs to detox before he can detox, which is so screwed up, but that's insurance companies for ya.
I apologize for this being so long but this is years in the making and there was so much to get off my chest. I have no one to talk to because honestly, I'm embarrassed by it. If anyone has any words of wisdom or has been in this situation, PLEASE let me know. Thank You & God Bless.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
The sad fact is there is nothing you can do. You did not cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
All you can really do is not emulate you mom by enabling him. It sounds like you and little brother are doing great. Just don't get engulfed in the madness and take care of yourself and the little brother.
All you can really do is not emulate you mom by enabling him. It sounds like you and little brother are doing great. Just don't get engulfed in the madness and take care of yourself and the little brother.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 64
Don't be embarrassed. Your brother has an awful sickness. It may have started with a legitimate need for painkillers, but its clearly gotten way out of control and he'll need a lot of professional help.
My sister is on a high level of methadone right now because of an oxycontin/percocet addiction. Its her 3rd or 4th attempt at rehab.
I'm suprised a detox centre would want him on a lower dose of methadone in order to admit him. From what I've seen, methadone is a very effective way to manage someone's opiate addiction in a way that lets them function without being "high". Weaning them off methadone is something that would happen only after the opiate addiction had been addressed. But it seems different rehab clinics have different approaches.
In any case, your brother needs to have his rehab medications administered by professionals. Your mom's heart is in the right place, but its not enough. Until he gets into a program to address his illness, your family and you will have to take steps to protect yourselves (from the stealing, lying, drama, etc). The manipulative, stealing, lying person you're dealing with is caused by the addiction messing up his mind.
There is a ton of information on these forums to help you and your family.
My sister is on a high level of methadone right now because of an oxycontin/percocet addiction. Its her 3rd or 4th attempt at rehab.
I'm suprised a detox centre would want him on a lower dose of methadone in order to admit him. From what I've seen, methadone is a very effective way to manage someone's opiate addiction in a way that lets them function without being "high". Weaning them off methadone is something that would happen only after the opiate addiction had been addressed. But it seems different rehab clinics have different approaches.
In any case, your brother needs to have his rehab medications administered by professionals. Your mom's heart is in the right place, but its not enough. Until he gets into a program to address his illness, your family and you will have to take steps to protect yourselves (from the stealing, lying, drama, etc). The manipulative, stealing, lying person you're dealing with is caused by the addiction messing up his mind.
There is a ton of information on these forums to help you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 101
Welcome (((Sister732)))
I'm so sorry you're consumed with your brother's drug addiction, you shouldn't have to bear the burden of that (nobody should) and I hope you can eventually detach. Maybe you and your mom could go to Al-anon/Naranon. Education, learning/setting boundaries, not enabling are all KEY here. Because, sadly, no one can make him stop the drugs. But, allowing him to do drugs (besides the administered ones) in your home shouldn't continue either.
Sorry I don't have any answers for you, but please stick around- this is the best site for help and support.
I will pray that your brother gets into treatment soon, along with prayers of strength for you and your mom. :praying
I'm so sorry you're consumed with your brother's drug addiction, you shouldn't have to bear the burden of that (nobody should) and I hope you can eventually detach. Maybe you and your mom could go to Al-anon/Naranon. Education, learning/setting boundaries, not enabling are all KEY here. Because, sadly, no one can make him stop the drugs. But, allowing him to do drugs (besides the administered ones) in your home shouldn't continue either.
Sorry I don't have any answers for you, but please stick around- this is the best site for help and support.
I will pray that your brother gets into treatment soon, along with prayers of strength for you and your mom. :praying
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
****{Sister}}}
Have you checked into any alanon groups?
The sad fact is that you can't control him or fix him
as much as you want to. The best thing you can do
is let him hit his own rock bottom as fast as he can.
The more you cushion his ride the longer he will enjoy
his seat.
We don't get off our butts and get help until it hurts
to much to keep doing what we are doing.
Others will be along with a lot more help and advice.
:ghug
Just wanted to drop by and say Welcome..
Have you checked into any alanon groups?
The sad fact is that you can't control him or fix him
as much as you want to. The best thing you can do
is let him hit his own rock bottom as fast as he can.
The more you cushion his ride the longer he will enjoy
his seat.
We don't get off our butts and get help until it hurts
to much to keep doing what we are doing.
Others will be along with a lot more help and advice.
:ghug
Just wanted to drop by and say Welcome..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
What your mom is effectively doing is taking responsibility for his addiction. That way he does not have to do anything. But the sad thing is is that your mom will continue to enable your brother until she hits her bottom and that may take some time. I agree with the others before me--find an Al-anon or Nar-anon meeting. There you will have people who will give you their Strength, Hope and Experience. You will learn the tools to be able to let go of your brother and mother and take care of yourself. Hugs and welcome, Marle
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 62
Hi Sister,
I feel like I wrote this and just don't remember - our stories are so similar. I've done the search of my brother's room and found things I swept in the trash and didn't tell anyone about, like you did. My brother is prescribed Oxy (as a withdrawl mechanism from street stuff, not for pain) and he's got no interest in getting off. My mom administers his meds as well.
He's 21, no job, no volunteering, even though he's been told he's out of the house if he doesn't do SOMETHING. Nothing has come of this.
I feel like one day we're going to go in his room and he's going to be dead. I will no longer have 2 brothers.
This is, without a doubt, my worst fear and it is ALWAYS, ALWAYS in the back of my mind. The worst part is, my brother knows this and he's used it against me and my parents as a threat before. I've found my brother dazed and passed out in his bedroom.
I felt like it was my responsibility to take care of my brother beacuse it seemed like I was the only one with my eyes open to the problem.
I'm very lucky in a way. My parents have hit their bottom with him and now they aren't afraid to say no. There's a lockbox in their bedroom with meds & other important stuff and my mom wears the key around her neck. They recently learned that they can't even keep cough medicine in their bathroom.
During the time where my mother and I disagreed on what to do, I just kept my mouth shut. We didn't talk about the brother because it just made my mom too sad and I would just repeat what I'd already told my mom and she'd chosen to ignore. My mom needed me and my other siblings - I know that she needed reassurance that it wasn't her fault that my brother is the way he is. If there was something good going on in her life (of course, unrelated to the bro), I focused on that and didn't mention any of the bad things.
The best thing I did was go to a two day group counseling session for people with addicts in their family. I saw people who looked so normal that had the same problems that I do. I realized that I don't need to carry this weight of the secret on me all the time. I realized that I'm not a freak and my family isn't something to be ashamed of. There is no Nar-Anon in my area, but I would be at every single meeting I could if there was.
Please don't think this is anything you can fix on your own. I took my brother once to a rehab centre to talk to a counselor and they told me I was the one who needed help and counseling. My brother didn't need help, because he didn't want help. It took me a loooooooong time to believe this but once I figured out that I was helpless to fix him, I actually started feeling better.
I feel like I wrote this and just don't remember - our stories are so similar. I've done the search of my brother's room and found things I swept in the trash and didn't tell anyone about, like you did. My brother is prescribed Oxy (as a withdrawl mechanism from street stuff, not for pain) and he's got no interest in getting off. My mom administers his meds as well.
He's 21, no job, no volunteering, even though he's been told he's out of the house if he doesn't do SOMETHING. Nothing has come of this.
I feel like one day we're going to go in his room and he's going to be dead. I will no longer have 2 brothers.
This is, without a doubt, my worst fear and it is ALWAYS, ALWAYS in the back of my mind. The worst part is, my brother knows this and he's used it against me and my parents as a threat before. I've found my brother dazed and passed out in his bedroom.
I felt like it was my responsibility to take care of my brother beacuse it seemed like I was the only one with my eyes open to the problem.
I'm very lucky in a way. My parents have hit their bottom with him and now they aren't afraid to say no. There's a lockbox in their bedroom with meds & other important stuff and my mom wears the key around her neck. They recently learned that they can't even keep cough medicine in their bathroom.
During the time where my mother and I disagreed on what to do, I just kept my mouth shut. We didn't talk about the brother because it just made my mom too sad and I would just repeat what I'd already told my mom and she'd chosen to ignore. My mom needed me and my other siblings - I know that she needed reassurance that it wasn't her fault that my brother is the way he is. If there was something good going on in her life (of course, unrelated to the bro), I focused on that and didn't mention any of the bad things.
The best thing I did was go to a two day group counseling session for people with addicts in their family. I saw people who looked so normal that had the same problems that I do. I realized that I don't need to carry this weight of the secret on me all the time. I realized that I'm not a freak and my family isn't something to be ashamed of. There is no Nar-Anon in my area, but I would be at every single meeting I could if there was.
Please don't think this is anything you can fix on your own. I took my brother once to a rehab centre to talk to a counselor and they told me I was the one who needed help and counseling. My brother didn't need help, because he didn't want help. It took me a loooooooong time to believe this but once I figured out that I was helpless to fix him, I actually started feeling better.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm glad you found us. It's very painful to live in a house with active addiction and no one can control it nor can we control how others react to it. True powerlessness. Addiction is a family disease and the effects on all household members are incredible as you have noted.
I understand your furstration, but truly, monitoring his use and going through his stuff won't fix the problem either. Until he is ready to change, change will not occur. But you and your mom can do something for yourselves. To me the greatest gift you can give you mom is to invite her to go to a Naranon or Alanon meeting with you. There you can both get the face to face support you need and learn how to take care of yourselves while your brother goes through this.
I hope you keep reading and posting and that your mom finds the strength to enforce the boundaries she established. I suspect that right now fear keeps her from moving forward, but the irony is that the more we cushion the addict, the more the addiction progresses. Hugs - you are a caring sister and daughter!
I understand your furstration, but truly, monitoring his use and going through his stuff won't fix the problem either. Until he is ready to change, change will not occur. But you and your mom can do something for yourselves. To me the greatest gift you can give you mom is to invite her to go to a Naranon or Alanon meeting with you. There you can both get the face to face support you need and learn how to take care of yourselves while your brother goes through this.
I hope you keep reading and posting and that your mom finds the strength to enforce the boundaries she established. I suspect that right now fear keeps her from moving forward, but the irony is that the more we cushion the addict, the more the addiction progresses. Hugs - you are a caring sister and daughter!
Stronger than yesterday...
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 118
(((sister))) reading your story is heartbreaking and I admire you for wanting to help your brother. I can't offer any better advice or tips than what has already been offered. Keep reading and posting here, this is an AMAZING place. I'm glad you found us! I'm praying for you and your family. Hugs...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Missouri
Posts: 80
sister,
I am to a sister of a drug addict, he has been in and out of prison, just recently 2 years, came home and started using again, its very hard, my mom and I have enabled my brother for many years.
Your story sounds alot like ours, going through his things, taking the drugs, but none of it has ever made any difference, he always get more.
The words of wisdom you are getting here are wonderful, I always felt like I was helping him, but you have to let it go and let them figure things out, I will feed him and talk with him, we even let him live with us 3 different times, it took 3 times for us to finally get it.
Being here is a wonderful gift it helps alot.
hugs to you,
sisofD
I am to a sister of a drug addict, he has been in and out of prison, just recently 2 years, came home and started using again, its very hard, my mom and I have enabled my brother for many years.
Your story sounds alot like ours, going through his things, taking the drugs, but none of it has ever made any difference, he always get more.
The words of wisdom you are getting here are wonderful, I always felt like I was helping him, but you have to let it go and let them figure things out, I will feed him and talk with him, we even let him live with us 3 different times, it took 3 times for us to finally get it.
Being here is a wonderful gift it helps alot.
hugs to you,
sisofD
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
I'm so sad hearing all of these stories from you lovely sisters. I feel terrible because my daughter, even though younger, must be dealing with all of these same emotions. My son is leaving soon to go to rehab for 6-9 months and i'm not sure he'll ever live with us again - not sad about that especially after reading your emails.
This is not your problem its theirs. its got to be so hard to see more clearly then your own parents are but as a parent i know how desperate we feel in wanting to help them. We also suffer from a lot of denial because we just dont want to admit that one of our children is actually an addict or that we dont have the power to help them change. I admit that as parents we get so wrapped up in the problems of our children that sometimes we are more of a detriment then a help. I know you would probably rather hear your own parents say this but at least take some hope that they may eventually realize the truth.
So thank you for posting these so that i can see what my daughter probably feels herself. She like you, is the innocent in this disease.
This is not your problem its theirs. its got to be so hard to see more clearly then your own parents are but as a parent i know how desperate we feel in wanting to help them. We also suffer from a lot of denial because we just dont want to admit that one of our children is actually an addict or that we dont have the power to help them change. I admit that as parents we get so wrapped up in the problems of our children that sometimes we are more of a detriment then a help. I know you would probably rather hear your own parents say this but at least take some hope that they may eventually realize the truth.
So thank you for posting these so that i can see what my daughter probably feels herself. She like you, is the innocent in this disease.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Portland Oregon
Posts: 1
First of all I would like to say Thank You for caring enough for your Brother to try and help him. The second thing I want to say to you is do NOT ever give up on him. There is Hope for everyone! That doesn't mean him or everyone else gets well, but when people do not have anyone Hoping for them it just makes it harder, and less worthwhile.
Your story is so familiar. I hear, see or read them daily. It is just real serious when it is happening to our own family.
I have been witness to just what you are saying. My Daughter, right after I got out of Treatment in 1987, was living at home with my only Grandson; he was two years old. She was shooting up heroin in our bath room. I tapped my phone and caught her red handed. I gave her three choices; the sidewalk, jail or Treatment She chose the side walk and it was real hard for my Wife and I to help her pack our Grandsons clothes and both of them walk out our front door. We Prayed and cried for about 20 minutes when our door opened back up. There she stood, facing the streets alone and not knowing what to do, or where to go really got her attention. Nobody wanted her. I checked her in to Treatment, then they moved back in, then she come home hooked on Methadone.
That was real tough. She could blame that one on Society, and she did. I didn't think she would ever get off the Methadone, Oxycontin or anything else she was on. You see, she was just like your Brother is; they both like it. And until they decide they have had enough, or die, they will continue to use it. I know that sounds cold, but it is the truth!
Tell Mom if she loves her Son as much as you think she loves him, and she wants him to get well, intervene! The rules she has for him are set the way HE wants, not Mom. Tell Mom to get on line and look up tough love, that is what she needs to focus on and learn more about. And, if she doesn't quit feeling sorry for him she could lose more than just him. You and your other Brother can, and will only take so much. It gets real old; real fast!!! I felt as I was reading your message you are growing tired already.
Tell Mom to stop feeding, clothing and housing him. He is just like I was, and a million other people are. He is a great con artist and the second best manipulator you have ever seen, I was the best!
I have a drug and alcohol awareness program and I Counsel people all over the world. Right now I have a 28 year old girl in Texas; a 24 year old man in Missouri; a 31 year old lady in Los Angeles and about five 20 year old's right here in Portland Oregon. They all have about the same story as your Brother. Have your Brother call me if he ever decides he wants to get well and live. I know all the excuses and reasons he could use, but it just doesn't work with me.
My Mommy deserted me when I was 10; my Daddy thought I belonged to the mail man; my own Grandfather sexually molested me, daily, from the time I was 11 until I was almost 15; and we were dirt poor! I was an alcoholic at age 15; a drug addict/dealer at age 19. I shot up cocaine,heroin and meth for over 18 years. I bought the old Mexican seed weed by the bale (5 at a time); heroin by the kilo;cocaine in nuclear waste drums and I manufactured meth for over 15 years. I had a rig in my body nearly all day. I drank every day, all day. My wife stayed home and raised our two children. Her and I just had our 40th Wedding Anniversary. But by the Grace of God I am still alive and I still have my family. I checked myself into Treatment on August 6, 1987 and I walked out 33 days later a free person, with a soul full of tool's; I still use them every day.
I was ready to stop. Your Brother is sick and he will continue to live the life he is until HE decides to stop. As far as what you and Mom can do it is real tough. People for years have been trying everything you and your family have been trying. Think about getting help for yourself. I know you love him and that is what tough love is formed by. As long as I had everything your Brother has I was a happy camper. It was when people started peeking thru the blinds and not answering the door is when I began to wonder what was going on. The best thing you can do for your Brother is continue to tell him how much you care for him and shame him into wondering why he doesn't care that much for you. He doesn't because he cares more for the drug's! Feel free to email me at ***** I would love to add him to the list of sickies I am working with now. Believe it or not I love him and really care for him. I just won't take his crap, I lived in it too long!!!!
Your new friend (I hope)
Grandpa Don
Portland, Oregon.
Your story is so familiar. I hear, see or read them daily. It is just real serious when it is happening to our own family.
I have been witness to just what you are saying. My Daughter, right after I got out of Treatment in 1987, was living at home with my only Grandson; he was two years old. She was shooting up heroin in our bath room. I tapped my phone and caught her red handed. I gave her three choices; the sidewalk, jail or Treatment She chose the side walk and it was real hard for my Wife and I to help her pack our Grandsons clothes and both of them walk out our front door. We Prayed and cried for about 20 minutes when our door opened back up. There she stood, facing the streets alone and not knowing what to do, or where to go really got her attention. Nobody wanted her. I checked her in to Treatment, then they moved back in, then she come home hooked on Methadone.
That was real tough. She could blame that one on Society, and she did. I didn't think she would ever get off the Methadone, Oxycontin or anything else she was on. You see, she was just like your Brother is; they both like it. And until they decide they have had enough, or die, they will continue to use it. I know that sounds cold, but it is the truth!
Tell Mom if she loves her Son as much as you think she loves him, and she wants him to get well, intervene! The rules she has for him are set the way HE wants, not Mom. Tell Mom to get on line and look up tough love, that is what she needs to focus on and learn more about. And, if she doesn't quit feeling sorry for him she could lose more than just him. You and your other Brother can, and will only take so much. It gets real old; real fast!!! I felt as I was reading your message you are growing tired already.
Tell Mom to stop feeding, clothing and housing him. He is just like I was, and a million other people are. He is a great con artist and the second best manipulator you have ever seen, I was the best!
I have a drug and alcohol awareness program and I Counsel people all over the world. Right now I have a 28 year old girl in Texas; a 24 year old man in Missouri; a 31 year old lady in Los Angeles and about five 20 year old's right here in Portland Oregon. They all have about the same story as your Brother. Have your Brother call me if he ever decides he wants to get well and live. I know all the excuses and reasons he could use, but it just doesn't work with me.
My Mommy deserted me when I was 10; my Daddy thought I belonged to the mail man; my own Grandfather sexually molested me, daily, from the time I was 11 until I was almost 15; and we were dirt poor! I was an alcoholic at age 15; a drug addict/dealer at age 19. I shot up cocaine,heroin and meth for over 18 years. I bought the old Mexican seed weed by the bale (5 at a time); heroin by the kilo;cocaine in nuclear waste drums and I manufactured meth for over 15 years. I had a rig in my body nearly all day. I drank every day, all day. My wife stayed home and raised our two children. Her and I just had our 40th Wedding Anniversary. But by the Grace of God I am still alive and I still have my family. I checked myself into Treatment on August 6, 1987 and I walked out 33 days later a free person, with a soul full of tool's; I still use them every day.
I was ready to stop. Your Brother is sick and he will continue to live the life he is until HE decides to stop. As far as what you and Mom can do it is real tough. People for years have been trying everything you and your family have been trying. Think about getting help for yourself. I know you love him and that is what tough love is formed by. As long as I had everything your Brother has I was a happy camper. It was when people started peeking thru the blinds and not answering the door is when I began to wonder what was going on. The best thing you can do for your Brother is continue to tell him how much you care for him and shame him into wondering why he doesn't care that much for you. He doesn't because he cares more for the drug's! Feel free to email me at ***** I would love to add him to the list of sickies I am working with now. Believe it or not I love him and really care for him. I just won't take his crap, I lived in it too long!!!!
Your new friend (I hope)
Grandpa Don
Portland, Oregon.
Last edited by Morning Glory; 01-12-2009 at 01:29 AM. Reason: removed email address
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: portland, or
Posts: 7
It's good to read this
It's great to see posts like this. For so long I thought there can't be many younger sisters in their twenties of opiate addicted brothers. It was a lonely position to find myself in. But here you are being the parent, the cop, and the support all in one. And it's totally not your job nor responsibility. But I know that desperate feeling of "Holy crap if no one does this, everything will fall apart". I was the one who convinced my parents to call out my brother for his heroin addiction. The day he passed out on our back patio (the one he laid every brick for) and asked me if I had ever seen anyone nod off. I had no idea what he meant until I thought about it and put together the clues. I had to convince my mom to do some kind of intervention. My dad wouldn't even come home from work early even though we told him we were scared to go home b.c. my bro was calling us every 5 minutes demanding we bring the car home so he could go score with his Ag/f.
This is all crazy-making and it's much easier to detach when you are not living at home. When you are in the midst of it, it sucks you in so much more quickly. Your mom needs to kick your brother out of the house. He sucking the life out of the household and it's not doing him any good as well.
My only suggestion is to move out if you haven't already. You are being very patient with your mom. Kudos to that. Also, if you can find a nice, inexpensive counselor to talk to, it's money well spent in my experience.
Hugs and peace,
A.
This is all crazy-making and it's much easier to detach when you are not living at home. When you are in the midst of it, it sucks you in so much more quickly. Your mom needs to kick your brother out of the house. He sucking the life out of the household and it's not doing him any good as well.
My only suggestion is to move out if you haven't already. You are being very patient with your mom. Kudos to that. Also, if you can find a nice, inexpensive counselor to talk to, it's money well spent in my experience.
Hugs and peace,
A.
Fawkez88
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Minot ND
Posts: 17
Continue loving and being their for your family.
Mostly your brother. All you can do is help him realize he has an addiction, and when he does and is ready, you will have to be there to support him the entire way. Love can change anything.
Or maybe he has already just help him through the withdrawals. Replace his need for the drugs with other things, distractions, new healthy hobbies or activities.
Follow your heart and your love will help him more than you'll ever know. Make sure he's knows this. There nothing to be embarrassed about. Everybody has their problems and story, everyone is unique and makes you who you are. From your experiances with this you will become a much stronger, smart, and better sister,individual, mother, and friend.
Much love
Mostly your brother. All you can do is help him realize he has an addiction, and when he does and is ready, you will have to be there to support him the entire way. Love can change anything.
Or maybe he has already just help him through the withdrawals. Replace his need for the drugs with other things, distractions, new healthy hobbies or activities.
Follow your heart and your love will help him more than you'll ever know. Make sure he's knows this. There nothing to be embarrassed about. Everybody has their problems and story, everyone is unique and makes you who you are. From your experiances with this you will become a much stronger, smart, and better sister,individual, mother, and friend.
Much love
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: phoenix
Posts: 1
Not Alone
Originally Posted by sister732 
Hello all-
I am the younger sister of a drug addict. My story is long but I really could use some help;
I am 21 years old with a brother, 23, who is addicted. It started a few years ago when he hurt his back and had to have two major back surgeries within two years. In order for him to cope with the pain, the doctors prescribed Oxycontin/Roxycontin/etc. From here, which is a story that is all too common, he developed a wicked addiction to them and really needed them to function day to day and he got caught up in the world of drug dealing and started to abuse other drugs like coke and even the pain pills. I believe it was late spring/early summer that it got to the point where my mom wanted him off those meds so he started a Suboxone program(which was his 2nd time) and unfortunately this time it didn't work so the only option left was for him to start a Methadone program.
Back track to even before he hurt his back; our parents got divorced when we were young- he was about 6 or 7- because our dad was an alcoholic(later became sober). We saw our dad occasionally but I consider myself to be raised primarily by my mom. When he was about 11 or 12 our mom met a man and he moved in, they married and he became our Step-Dad. My brother and step-dad did not get along, so it caused a lot of problems. When my brother was 20, our dad passed away from liver failure because of the years of abuse. In high school, he did drugs too but I think more recreational rather than addiction, although I am not sure because he is a manipulator and liar so no one really knows the true story. Since he was a teenager- he has been in trouble a handful of times with the law but our Dad, and Uncle and Grandfather were all cops so nothing big really ever came of it and he usually got off the hook. Also- he was a star athlete in high school so I think a lot of people let things slide because he was so talented. As you can see, there is a list of excuses as to why he is the way he is.
In December, he got a DUI because he was high and driving. Once that happened, I think my mom opened her eyes and got really serious, or at least what she thinks is serious, about getting him clean. He was going to a Methadone clinic but that stopped because they didn't really care about detoxing him so my mom took charge of the methadone and has been administering it each morning and evening to him, thinking that he is just taking that but as I found out the other day; it's not the case. Prior to him getting the DUI, I told my mom that something was going on and that he wasn't doing the right thing. He would have friends over and they would lock themselves in his room. There were occasions where my mom would go into his room and him and his friends would be nodding out because they were so messed up. He sleeps all day, doesn't work, doesn't go to school, pretty much does nothing. In the summer, i walked into his room and there was a needle on his desk. I didn't know what to do so I kept it to myself for a while and then told my mom and when she confronted him about it, he lied, like he always does. After the DUI, I searched his room and found 20+ needles, a spoon, a meth/crack pipe and and random pills. Since the DUI, like i mentioned, my mom has been administering his medicine and I was really happy that he was doing well but the other evening I went into his room because our dog was barking for 5+ minutes to get out of his room and he was passed out in a computer chair with food hanging out of his mouth with the TV blaring and the dog barking. When I woke him up, he was completely out of it and just said that he was drunk but it was 6:30 in the evening and people were home. I asked my younger brother if he saw him drinking and he said no, he had been in his room since he got his dinner. I knew something was up so the next day i looked in his room, which stills amazes me at how stupid he is, and I found a bottle of the methadone, some diazapam and Valium, a spoon with burn marks on the bottom and residue on the top, something that almost looked like brass brillo and another meth/crack pipe with black stuff at one side. So this whole time he has been taking the meds my mom has been giving him and then adding to it with his own secret stash. I am yet to tell my mom because I am scared. It's one of those things where I know what I need to do but I can't bring myself to do it. He has also stolen significant amounts of money from my mom, numerous times, and cashed them at check cashing places and lied and said they were all co-pays for his chiropracter, stolen my mom's wedding ring from my dad and pawned it off, stole other pieces of jewelery, etc. yet somehow, he's still the apple of my mom's eye.
There are so many things that I wish were different. I wish my mom did more; why am I the one looking in his room for stuff? Shouldn't she be the one? I feel like she doesn't even care although from the things I've read, she probably is in denial and in her eyes she is doing all she can do, although i also think she is an enabler because she is always making excuses for him but I mean I'm 21 years old, I don't think I should be the one to have to do this. Also- post DUI & when my mom took over the methadone she made a contract for him that he signed which stated that he must keep his bedroom door open all the time, he must wake up by 10 am, he can't smoke cigarettes in the house, he must work and if he can't find a job he needs to volunteer or visit family or do something constructive with his time, he can't use ANY other medication except the methadone, etc. and the consequence of him not following it would be him getting kicked out. He hasn't followed one of them yet he is still living with us. He is the type of person who just does what they want. My mom sets rules and he just blatantly disobeys them but she does NOTHING. I question her about it and her response is that she isn't going to fight everyday with him. It's gotten to the point where it's getting between my mom & I. We have a very close relationship but I can't sit around pretending everything is okay when he is obviously not okay. I feel like everyday it eats away at me and I am becoming this bitter, nasty person and I don't want to be that way, at all. I love my brother and just want him to get better but I don't know what to do. I feel like one day we're going to go in his room and he's going to be dead. I will no longer have 2 brothers. My younger brother & I are doing so well; doing great in school, have jobs, follow rules, don't get in trouble, etc. but i just feel like this is tearing our family apart. I feel responsible for it because my mom just does nothing.
Also- important to include- the goal is to get him to a low enough dosage of the methadone so that he can go to a in-patient detox and treatment program. Right now he is at too high of a level, because he was on the oxycontin for years, so he needs to detox before he can detox, which is so screwed up, but that's insurance companies for ya.
I apologize for this being so long but this is years in the making and there was so much to get off my chest. I have no one to talk to because honestly, I'm embarrassed by it. If anyone has any words of wisdom or has been in this situation, PLEASE let me know. Thank You & God Bless.
I am the younger sister of a drug addict. My story is long but I really could use some help;
I am 21 years old with a brother, 23, who is addicted. It started a few years ago when he hurt his back and had to have two major back surgeries within two years. In order for him to cope with the pain, the doctors prescribed Oxycontin/Roxycontin/etc. From here, which is a story that is all too common, he developed a wicked addiction to them and really needed them to function day to day and he got caught up in the world of drug dealing and started to abuse other drugs like coke and even the pain pills. I believe it was late spring/early summer that it got to the point where my mom wanted him off those meds so he started a Suboxone program(which was his 2nd time) and unfortunately this time it didn't work so the only option left was for him to start a Methadone program.
Back track to even before he hurt his back; our parents got divorced when we were young- he was about 6 or 7- because our dad was an alcoholic(later became sober). We saw our dad occasionally but I consider myself to be raised primarily by my mom. When he was about 11 or 12 our mom met a man and he moved in, they married and he became our Step-Dad. My brother and step-dad did not get along, so it caused a lot of problems. When my brother was 20, our dad passed away from liver failure because of the years of abuse. In high school, he did drugs too but I think more recreational rather than addiction, although I am not sure because he is a manipulator and liar so no one really knows the true story. Since he was a teenager- he has been in trouble a handful of times with the law but our Dad, and Uncle and Grandfather were all cops so nothing big really ever came of it and he usually got off the hook. Also- he was a star athlete in high school so I think a lot of people let things slide because he was so talented. As you can see, there is a list of excuses as to why he is the way he is.
In December, he got a DUI because he was high and driving. Once that happened, I think my mom opened her eyes and got really serious, or at least what she thinks is serious, about getting him clean. He was going to a Methadone clinic but that stopped because they didn't really care about detoxing him so my mom took charge of the methadone and has been administering it each morning and evening to him, thinking that he is just taking that but as I found out the other day; it's not the case. Prior to him getting the DUI, I told my mom that something was going on and that he wasn't doing the right thing. He would have friends over and they would lock themselves in his room. There were occasions where my mom would go into his room and him and his friends would be nodding out because they were so messed up. He sleeps all day, doesn't work, doesn't go to school, pretty much does nothing. In the summer, i walked into his room and there was a needle on his desk. I didn't know what to do so I kept it to myself for a while and then told my mom and when she confronted him about it, he lied, like he always does. After the DUI, I searched his room and found 20+ needles, a spoon, a meth/crack pipe and and random pills. Since the DUI, like i mentioned, my mom has been administering his medicine and I was really happy that he was doing well but the other evening I went into his room because our dog was barking for 5+ minutes to get out of his room and he was passed out in a computer chair with food hanging out of his mouth with the TV blaring and the dog barking. When I woke him up, he was completely out of it and just said that he was drunk but it was 6:30 in the evening and people were home. I asked my younger brother if he saw him drinking and he said no, he had been in his room since he got his dinner. I knew something was up so the next day i looked in his room, which stills amazes me at how stupid he is, and I found a bottle of the methadone, some diazapam and Valium, a spoon with burn marks on the bottom and residue on the top, something that almost looked like brass brillo and another meth/crack pipe with black stuff at one side. So this whole time he has been taking the meds my mom has been giving him and then adding to it with his own secret stash. I am yet to tell my mom because I am scared. It's one of those things where I know what I need to do but I can't bring myself to do it. He has also stolen significant amounts of money from my mom, numerous times, and cashed them at check cashing places and lied and said they were all co-pays for his chiropracter, stolen my mom's wedding ring from my dad and pawned it off, stole other pieces of jewelery, etc. yet somehow, he's still the apple of my mom's eye.
There are so many things that I wish were different. I wish my mom did more; why am I the one looking in his room for stuff? Shouldn't she be the one? I feel like she doesn't even care although from the things I've read, she probably is in denial and in her eyes she is doing all she can do, although i also think she is an enabler because she is always making excuses for him but I mean I'm 21 years old, I don't think I should be the one to have to do this. Also- post DUI & when my mom took over the methadone she made a contract for him that he signed which stated that he must keep his bedroom door open all the time, he must wake up by 10 am, he can't smoke cigarettes in the house, he must work and if he can't find a job he needs to volunteer or visit family or do something constructive with his time, he can't use ANY other medication except the methadone, etc. and the consequence of him not following it would be him getting kicked out. He hasn't followed one of them yet he is still living with us. He is the type of person who just does what they want. My mom sets rules and he just blatantly disobeys them but she does NOTHING. I question her about it and her response is that she isn't going to fight everyday with him. It's gotten to the point where it's getting between my mom & I. We have a very close relationship but I can't sit around pretending everything is okay when he is obviously not okay. I feel like everyday it eats away at me and I am becoming this bitter, nasty person and I don't want to be that way, at all. I love my brother and just want him to get better but I don't know what to do. I feel like one day we're going to go in his room and he's going to be dead. I will no longer have 2 brothers. My younger brother & I are doing so well; doing great in school, have jobs, follow rules, don't get in trouble, etc. but i just feel like this is tearing our family apart. I feel responsible for it because my mom just does nothing.
Also- important to include- the goal is to get him to a low enough dosage of the methadone so that he can go to a in-patient detox and treatment program. Right now he is at too high of a level, because he was on the oxycontin for years, so he needs to detox before he can detox, which is so screwed up, but that's insurance companies for ya.
I apologize for this being so long but this is years in the making and there was so much to get off my chest. I have no one to talk to because honestly, I'm embarrassed by it. If anyone has any words of wisdom or has been in this situation, PLEASE let me know. Thank You & God Bless.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
