New, unhappy but happy to be here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 4
New, unhappy but happy to be here
All:
Just found this site today. Am unhappy to need it, but happy it's here.
So, is this a good time to tell my story?? Here goes:
Almost a year ago, my bf of almost 9 years walks away to be with some woman he'd dated 20 years ago! It's a long distance relationship - she lives in another city. On that very same day, my teenage daughter confesses to me that she'd tried "cutting." I ask the bf to stay at least for a couple of days to give me - and her - some support through this - and he says no.
And this is just the beginning of the year.
My mom slips and breaks her leg and winds up in the hospital less than a month later.
At this point, I should tell you that I have always had a "relationship" with alcohol. I have always been proud of the fact that I could drink anyone I know under the table (back in the day, my family was actually in the bootleg biz.) I'm not a "classic" alcoholic (like classic coke?) but a binger. So binge I did. In April, I wound up in the emergency room because I'd slipped - when totally loaded - and hit my face on one of the mantelpieces in the house. Got lucky - missed my eye by an inch. A few stitches - looked like a prizefighter for about two weeks.
But did I learn? You guessed it. Two months later, I am arrested for driving drunk through a tunnel! THAT, my friends, takes skill. I am in jail for almost 48 hours before I am sprung. I get lucky when the DA decides to reduce the charge to a violation (NOT a crime) in return for my joining a program where you go speak to high school students. Cool, and I am an excellent pubic speaker. This is what I call the personal humiliation program, and I am good at it.
In November, my mom died - and three weeks later, my best friend's mom died.
In the middle of all this, some time last February, I flee to another city to stay with a friend for a week. There I meet this terrific guy whom I will call Carl. Carl is brilliant and sensitive, and we clicked immediately on a lot of levels. Carl has also been dumped - but it's even worse. His marriage exploded when his wife got pregnant and he found out it's another man's baby. That was in 2006-2007. He obviously leaves her - and on the day the DNA test comes back proving the baby isn't his, his mom dies.
Carl, in fact, is at least 50% of the reason I am on this site now. (We are still seeing one another, about every 6-8 weeks.) Of course, you guessed it, he drinks. Wouldn't call him a classic alcoholic either. Raised by a brilliant depressed alcoholic mother. Father leaves the family when he's young and starts another family across town - even though he's gay. His mom eventually takes up with ...Carl's good friend from high school...and he stays with her until her death. YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS STUFF UP. His divorce is just about final - after he was forced to spend time recently in court in a "side room" alone with the ex and the baby. Torture.
He has lost almost everything and has to sort of "start over." He pretty much drinks every day and often eats lots of bad food very aggressively. Although he's very self aware and knows about some of these problems, he doesn't do much to change anything other than disappearing and not communicating for days or weeks at a time. He came to be with me when my mom died and was a great support - although he went through almost an entire bottle of bourbon in one day. I have really big feelings for him, although neither one has used the "l" word - as a matter of fact, he went to great pains to tell me that he knows that his emotional response has been low and that he likes me a lot - that's all for now.
So, I don't know what to do. Should I go to aa meetings or al-anon meetings, or both? I am not ready to say sayonara to Carl; I probably should, but I am not strong enough. I feel like an emotional dish rag. I have not stopped drinking entirely, but I have stopped drinking and driving, that's for sure.
Any advice/suggestions/kicks in the pants appreciated.
Just found this site today. Am unhappy to need it, but happy it's here.
So, is this a good time to tell my story?? Here goes:
Almost a year ago, my bf of almost 9 years walks away to be with some woman he'd dated 20 years ago! It's a long distance relationship - she lives in another city. On that very same day, my teenage daughter confesses to me that she'd tried "cutting." I ask the bf to stay at least for a couple of days to give me - and her - some support through this - and he says no.
And this is just the beginning of the year.
My mom slips and breaks her leg and winds up in the hospital less than a month later.
At this point, I should tell you that I have always had a "relationship" with alcohol. I have always been proud of the fact that I could drink anyone I know under the table (back in the day, my family was actually in the bootleg biz.) I'm not a "classic" alcoholic (like classic coke?) but a binger. So binge I did. In April, I wound up in the emergency room because I'd slipped - when totally loaded - and hit my face on one of the mantelpieces in the house. Got lucky - missed my eye by an inch. A few stitches - looked like a prizefighter for about two weeks.
But did I learn? You guessed it. Two months later, I am arrested for driving drunk through a tunnel! THAT, my friends, takes skill. I am in jail for almost 48 hours before I am sprung. I get lucky when the DA decides to reduce the charge to a violation (NOT a crime) in return for my joining a program where you go speak to high school students. Cool, and I am an excellent pubic speaker. This is what I call the personal humiliation program, and I am good at it.
In November, my mom died - and three weeks later, my best friend's mom died.
In the middle of all this, some time last February, I flee to another city to stay with a friend for a week. There I meet this terrific guy whom I will call Carl. Carl is brilliant and sensitive, and we clicked immediately on a lot of levels. Carl has also been dumped - but it's even worse. His marriage exploded when his wife got pregnant and he found out it's another man's baby. That was in 2006-2007. He obviously leaves her - and on the day the DNA test comes back proving the baby isn't his, his mom dies.
Carl, in fact, is at least 50% of the reason I am on this site now. (We are still seeing one another, about every 6-8 weeks.) Of course, you guessed it, he drinks. Wouldn't call him a classic alcoholic either. Raised by a brilliant depressed alcoholic mother. Father leaves the family when he's young and starts another family across town - even though he's gay. His mom eventually takes up with ...Carl's good friend from high school...and he stays with her until her death. YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS STUFF UP. His divorce is just about final - after he was forced to spend time recently in court in a "side room" alone with the ex and the baby. Torture.
He has lost almost everything and has to sort of "start over." He pretty much drinks every day and often eats lots of bad food very aggressively. Although he's very self aware and knows about some of these problems, he doesn't do much to change anything other than disappearing and not communicating for days or weeks at a time. He came to be with me when my mom died and was a great support - although he went through almost an entire bottle of bourbon in one day. I have really big feelings for him, although neither one has used the "l" word - as a matter of fact, he went to great pains to tell me that he knows that his emotional response has been low and that he likes me a lot - that's all for now.
So, I don't know what to do. Should I go to aa meetings or al-anon meetings, or both? I am not ready to say sayonara to Carl; I probably should, but I am not strong enough. I feel like an emotional dish rag. I have not stopped drinking entirely, but I have stopped drinking and driving, that's for sure.
Any advice/suggestions/kicks in the pants appreciated.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
Hi and Welcome,
My suggestion is for you to focus on your recovery.
It's hard to stop drinking and to begin to recover and it will take a lot of your energy. I understand you care for him, but your own sobriety is the most important thing right now. Hopefully things will eventually work out for you as a couple.
My suggestion is for you to focus on your recovery.
It's hard to stop drinking and to begin to recover and it will take a lot of your energy. I understand you care for him, but your own sobriety is the most important thing right now. Hopefully things will eventually work out for you as a couple.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
If YOUR recovery needs alanon meetings too, then go to both. YOu need all the support you can get. Glad you're making some changes to have a healthier happier life.
Welcome!:ghug3 This is a great place for support.
Welcome!:ghug3 This is a great place for support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
Hi and welcome to SR! I agree with Anna and Least....you need to be concerned with your own sobriety and recovery...THEN you can make a decision about your relationship with a man who has some self-destructive habits. If I were you, I would not make any decisions including Carl at this time.
Good luck and keep posting!
Good luck and keep posting!
What comes around, Goes around
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Warren Mi
Posts: 170
Welcome to SR--I am sure you will be able to make a change for yourself---I believe its all in the mind--Just the fact that you looked for and found sober recovery means you have what it takes in your mind to become sober.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hmmm..
I did take a year off from men in early sobriety.
I cut off contact with my still drinking lover of 5 ears.
I also changed jobs...quit hanging out with drinkers and in bars.
All changes were beneficial and I don't regret those actions.
....good to see a new member...Welcome!
I did take a year off from men in early sobriety.
I cut off contact with my still drinking lover of 5 ears.
I also changed jobs...quit hanging out with drinkers and in bars.
All changes were beneficial and I don't regret those actions.
....good to see a new member...Welcome!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
