Angel09

My mother has always been a user. When I was five, she took me to a house which was involved with inner city and rural dealing where she could just sit and smoke marijuana. After she she finished she would take me home, wash me up put me to bed and leave. One time, she was so "high" she forgot to wash me up AND she forgot to BE HOME or call a babysitter for Dad's arrival. He asked me where I had been where she was and I had such a horrible headache from the smoke I just grumbled mean words out to him that were very unlike me. He was shocked. He gave me a bath, cleaned me up, and asked me for the address and to explain all of it while he was doing it. I did. Even though I was breaking the promise I had made her. But he was kind, and all she ever did was hit me and yell at me. Why obey her any longer? Next time she was there, Dad caught her. Years later, I caught one of her marijuana partners at our house looking for her. She hadn't stopped. She also stole drugs from a medical facility she worked in. I watched her do it. Her response to me? "Let them (the patients) suffer. Who cares. I'm more important." She was fired awhile later. Now? She is always "sick" and has multiple doctors for pain prescriptions. Me? I tried to stop her, tried to help her when I moved back and discovered her addictions and her PERSONALITY. What she was DOING to herself. Now? Never mind. She has put me through too much. Too many attacks, plus of course she is part of the whole Uncle bit.

shockozulu

Angel, I have been through a similar experience with my mother. She wasn't in the medical field, but she had multiple rx's, was caught by her father using, and so on. She is always "sick" too, so even now while in a nursing home (she fried her brain from passing out during several accidental OD's) she is able to legally get her drugs. I had to learn to detach. The relationship was unhealthy for me. Sending hugs your way.

Angel09

You understand! The problem was, it began when I was so young, I was raised by a drugged and violent/two faced mother. I was so angry with her I never forgave her, so I never truly loved her. She told me to LIE for her all the time. Then I would be amongst good people and feel horrible guilt. I would feel as though I was the criminal. I don't think she ever felt any. To this very day her smiles make me feel ill. She doesn't have a right to smile. She abused her child, used drugs, lied endlessly. And she is full of disrespect and hate. She feels all are beneath her and spews with bitterness and anger directed towards others. She is filth. She is a woman of judgement. But look at what she is! As her painkillers wear off, she moans and cries, claiming the world is ending. But there isn't anything wrong other than her painkillers wearing off. Her insults are always lovely at that time if I happen to be on the telephone with her, as well. I think my father refuses to understand what she is doing. He also doesn''t know about everything she has done. I could be wrong, but I will not discuss it with him. He either wouldn't listen, or it might flip his dangerous rage switch. Thank you for your support!

Ann

Angel, sadly you cannot change your mother, only she can do that and it doesn't sound like she is ready.

But you can help yourself, and it sounds to me like you have been carrying a lot of pain around for a very long time. While the pain is very valid, you don't have to let it eat you alive.

Have you ever been to meetings? Naranon, Alanon or CoDA are three very similar fellowships that could help you more than you know. Also, maybe consider some counseling with someone trained in dealing with childhood abuse. Maybe working through the pain with a professional will help you lighten your load and live happier and freer than you live today.

We cannot change our past, but our future is ours to chart our own course.

Hugs

Angel09

Thank you, Ann. I have been thinking about going to Alanon or Naranon. They are offered at my church, but I've been told that is the last place I should go. I was told I should go to meetings outside my area, which makes sense. I've been through the abuse support groups, and have had to recover from that. One step at a time. I think I am ready for this now, though. I need to speak with others so I can learn how to cope. There isn't any stopping it. There is hoping they will, but there isn't forcing them to. They are certainly better than they were years ago. They have taught some of their children and their spouses well, though.

Angel09

And thanks you for the hugs- I need those!!

winnie12

Angel, this is so sad to me. I wish I could give you a huge Mom hug right now. No child deserves that - every child deserves to have a parent that they can trust and that puts them first. Unfortunately life doesnt always work out the way its supposed to be becuase people arent perfect. I'm feel very hopeful for you because you seem to really have your head in the right place and do recognize that this is her problem and that as a child you dont have any obligation to protect her or condone her actions. Even with that knowledge you are still holding the pain of the greatest betrayal a person can exeperience - one from a parent. That is something that you should get help with and in time may find comfort from. Dont let those feelings fester within you because it can affect your relationships with others as well as your confidence within yourself.

What I tell my own daughter is its okay to love the person but hate what they do. Expect nothing from them and be pleasantly surprised when they do the right thing. That there are good people in the world and you cannot be afraid to take a chance and love others.

Angel, You deserve to love and be loved. Big Hugs to you.

Angel09

Oh, Winnie, I am an adult! Please do not worry. Life has changed and I am now being confronted by old issues which I had never worked through and I am now being faced by persons whom I haven't seen for years! I am working through all of it carefully and facing each issue as I am ready to. When I returned here, I just never had the thought mother would still be a user. It never crossed my mind. But she is, and it is her road to travel. I tried to help but I cannot. She responded with fury and turning to my father with created stories about me. Also the "I wish you had never come home" types of lines with looks of hatred directed towards me. I am unable to have children, and she told me she was glad I cannot because they would "take up her time" and take my father's time away from her. My sister is trying to work with her now, and I wish her luck.

Thank you for your kindness. People such as yourself are precious to this world!

winnie12

Angel - I'm glad that you are grown and that you made it through this with such a good outlook - you are obviously a woman of great strength to get through that experience with your head held high. I'm glad to hear that you havent pushed all of that down and are working through it. Even as an adult those childhood memories can affect our lives if they arent addressed. This is something i dealt with in my marriage. My husband grew up in a children's home - he claimed to have peace with the situation but what he had actually done is just pushed those feelings deep down inside him. The effects were disasterous becuase as time went on he was more and more unable to be a responsible parent himself and in effect ended up doing the same thing to our daughter as his parents had done to him - abandon. My best friend on the other hand also grew up in a childrens home and she addressed her feelings and now is a wonderful mother of five children.

No matter what your age there is a loss when you dont have that parental bond. I'm 43 and my mother still gives me a different type of love than anyone else does. Even at my age, sometimes I still just need my mommy. I appreciate that gift she has given to me and it saddens me that some people dont have that. I think I'll call my mom today and just tell her i love her.

Angel09

You are very gifted to have a true mother, and true mother's love. The emptiness has always created an issue in my life. I always find a substitute, but as times and locations change I have to find another. Friends are dear but they never replace, however. Mother told me so many times during my childhood and youth she only had children because my father wanted them and she wanted to please him. So, always love and appreciate your true and dear mother. I hope all is well with your daughter. I'm sorry regarding your husband's change. Mine did that, as well. We ended up divorcing. He was confronted by a number of difficult situations through a few years and his reaction was reversion. He became the silent, hostile child he once was, plus the violent adult he had grown into.

I hope you enjoyed speaking with your mom!

Kallista

[QUOTE=Angel09;2058023]My mother has always been a user. /QUOTE]

Me, too.

It totally sucks.

winnie12

Angel I think your mom and my son deserve each other. Maybe we could work out a swap???

bluebelle

My mom has also always been a user. I've seen all the drug usage, I've seen her get arrested for selling, etc. I've also endured years of her being cruel to me and the rest of the family. She also has severe mental health issues, and can be violent and dangerous. My dad has never been around--he also has mental health issues and is an alcoholic. So, I understand where you are coming from. It's easy for me to be a codie because it is so ingrained in me.

I've been fortunate because I hold it together pretty well. I'm not a drug addict and I take decent care of myself. I've gotten an education and have held pretty good jobs. When people hear of my background, they are always surprised. I have my issues, certainly. I really, really have my grandparents to thank for the good things I have done. They have been my rock for my whole life. Do you have anyone like that? Please don't take your mom's words to heart. I know how hard it is to hear those hurtful things, but it is not your fault. She has a problem, and that's the way it is. Nothing you can do will ever change that.

Angel09

I used to have someone, but we divorced. Our relationship turned sexually abusive and emotionally painful. All turned around. I'm fine now, though. It has been years and he lives far away. Now, I have a few friends I share with but not deeply. I began to but I discovered information traveled quickly so I stopped. I stay with just a few. A have a big question for you, though. My cousin was a seller, a user and a prostitute. What she does now I don't know. I don't associate with her. But I found out through my church she spread lies through her people about my being the one who committed a crime in order to cover for herself. Which one of hers, I don't know. I have a guess, though. A woman took me around to all sorts of her places, asking me questions. My church understands me, that I am innocent, but I don't know what the police think. When I first moved here they crept around for awhile and I couldn't understand why. I was guessing it was because of the detectives my father had hired on me, and how they had spread around. But now it looks as though it could be my cousin and her drugs. I am so fed up. I completely disconnected from this irrational family years ago because of all their ways, but I've had to come back and all their crimes landed police following ME around for a bit. I finally went in and spoke to a detective and told him about a few issues and it stopped, but he didn't explain why officers were following me. I am also a college grad with plenty of experience in this world, and my mind has several considerations as to what I could or should do. Look at what the words and activities of the guilty do to the innocent. I am so fed up!

winnie12

Angel, I dont know all the facts of your situation so this suggestion you would have to think about and decide if it was worth it for you or would make your situation worse. But my AS claims that i commit crimes to his PO and police. What i did was hit it head on and went to them myself. I knew my son was going to make claims to his PO because of things he was saying so i told him first. When it came from me it was a lot easier on me and once they knew i was an open book they stopped believing anything he said. I offered myself up for drug tests and told them they could search my home - they never took me up on that. In my situation i found Police and court officials seem to listen to a willing participant more than they did the person who they just put in handcuffs. Again - that would depend on your situation so you would have to think about it and decide what was best for you.

Have you ever thought about getting away from their drama and moving somewhere that no one knows your family? I dont usually recommend running away from problems but its their problem you would be getting away from and not yours.

Angel09

Before speaking to the detective who finally called them off, I had already told the police about a number of the issues. But they have it implanted in their minds to believe whatever they wish to rather than an innocent person asking for help. My parents planted one of my uncles in the neighbors house to overwatch me, and Mother finally admitted it. She thought he was there on his own. She said it accidentally when I told her the uncle who had committed incest upon me was there as well. She responded without control because she is afraid of him, too. I still haven't told her about the incest because my parents would never choose to believe it. She stated she and father placed uncle there to watch me and keep track of everything I am doing. Without my knowledge! What she doesn't know (I guess) is that he works with the neighbors themselves. They sit in their different cars in my driveway (haven't for awhile that I know of because there was an argument), come up into my backyard and stare into my windows (it's been a long time since that, as well-I threatened my uncle-well, I did find a beer bottle in one of my gardens this past fall), my home has been broken into, calls have been made from my telephone... a State Police Officer told me at a play they were going to take it into their hands because it had gone on too long (my calls for assistance) and the locals were refusing to help. Since then, several related drug houses have gone down, an Officer moved in nearby, many changes have been made. But even though I told the police my uncle committed the crime upon me, he is allowed to do whatever he wants. The officer just told me to call the attorney's office. I work with a support group in a town over and they help, and that town's police run through and check. As for moving, if I could, I would. I can't right now. Thank you so much for caring. It means a great deal to me.