my best friend is a alcoholic
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NYC, NY
Posts: 9
my best friend is a alcoholic
My best friend is a self admitted alcoholic, hes 50 years old and only started drinking later in life. He was TOTALLY against alcohol for years in his teens and 20's.. Then he started drinking when he joined a frisbee team sponsored by bud light..i dont know if he was drinking before but having 4 cases of beer in your hotel room every night didnt help im sure. He moved back to NYC in 2001 and his drinking has gotten much worse. He knows he's an alcoholic, and has stopped for a couple of months twice in 8 years, by himself. He still hung out in bars and just drank water. He has a tremendous amount of will power but doesnt see the drinking as a problem, for him and definitely not his friends.
I always thought. well its HIS problem, how can it affect me? Im finding out how! He used to forget things casually but now its getting worse..we play music together and after looking at a potential bar to play at, 2 week later he doesnt remember even visiting the bar, "what are you talking about" was his response. Now hes blaming ME for things that he cant remember.
He drinks about 20 beers a day plus random shots, his hands are cold and he wears a jacket even when its 90 degrees out, yet he thinks hes "not over the edge"
I have spent 8 years rehearsing with him and dont want to see that go to waste, as well as the 20 year friendship, but all the issues i have with him i never talk about because im afraid he"ll just end everything, so its been bottling up inside me, and now that its come to a head, hed rather give me up then the drink....This all seems to be affecting me MORE than him and it just feels unfair, HE's the one whos drinking!
What can i do?
I always thought. well its HIS problem, how can it affect me? Im finding out how! He used to forget things casually but now its getting worse..we play music together and after looking at a potential bar to play at, 2 week later he doesnt remember even visiting the bar, "what are you talking about" was his response. Now hes blaming ME for things that he cant remember.
He drinks about 20 beers a day plus random shots, his hands are cold and he wears a jacket even when its 90 degrees out, yet he thinks hes "not over the edge"
I have spent 8 years rehearsing with him and dont want to see that go to waste, as well as the 20 year friendship, but all the issues i have with him i never talk about because im afraid he"ll just end everything, so its been bottling up inside me, and now that its come to a head, hed rather give me up then the drink....This all seems to be affecting me MORE than him and it just feels unfair, HE's the one whos drinking!
What can i do?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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Hi robzbuzz-
welcome to SR--
One thing you can do is keep reading around this site and educating yourself about the realities of alcoholism and codependence.
And for me by far the biggest help was AlAnon- that's the organization that helps the friends and family of alcoholics. They have great literature and the meetings really helped me learn how to let go of my imagined control over the alcoholic and their dinking and whether or not they knew they had a problem or wanted help or didn't want help or whatever- it taught me how to get the focus off the alcoholic and onto my own problems.
Unfortunately your friend is an adult and has a right to drink if he chooses to drink regardless of how unhealthy it is. Getting caught up in arguing about the alcoholic's drinking is useless at best and counter productive to your own mental health at worst.
Peace-
B.
welcome to SR--
One thing you can do is keep reading around this site and educating yourself about the realities of alcoholism and codependence.
And for me by far the biggest help was AlAnon- that's the organization that helps the friends and family of alcoholics. They have great literature and the meetings really helped me learn how to let go of my imagined control over the alcoholic and their dinking and whether or not they knew they had a problem or wanted help or didn't want help or whatever- it taught me how to get the focus off the alcoholic and onto my own problems.
Unfortunately your friend is an adult and has a right to drink if he chooses to drink regardless of how unhealthy it is. Getting caught up in arguing about the alcoholic's drinking is useless at best and counter productive to your own mental health at worst.
Peace-
B.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NYC, NY
Posts: 9
Thats just it, we dont argue about the drinking even though we both know its behind the surface problems, we argue about "you said this" "you did that" "no i didnt" "yes you did"
kind of a thing, and i never bring the drinking up cause he just end the conversation or walk out...I guess i have to let go, I have to be tough, but im not that tough
kind of a thing, and i never bring the drinking up cause he just end the conversation or walk out...I guess i have to let go, I have to be tough, but im not that tough
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This all seems to be affecting me MORE than him and it just feels unfair, HE's the one whos drinking!
Stand on your own two feet, put one foot in front of the other, and walk away.
(Forget about 'fair' because that's just an 'oh pitiful me' emotion.)
No offense, tough situation, but life on life's terms.
Stand on your own two feet, put one foot in front of the other, and walk away.
(Forget about 'fair' because that's just an 'oh pitiful me' emotion.)
No offense, tough situation, but life on life's terms.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
we both know its behind the surface problems,
Yeah this is pretty common when we are dealing with loved ones who are alcoholics. In spite of the arguing and other negative stuff are you getting good things out of this friendship?
One of my A brothers is a a musician and slowly his drinking eroded his ability to play with his band. His fellow bandmates love him and worry about his drinking. They were sad to break up the band. For him, it was never about his drinking. *sigh*
It's really hard. But they had a lot of great years and made a lot of fantastic music together. Sometimes it helps to see that all relationships, all "bands" will come to an end eventually and we have to kind of trust the process of life and not cling and force something that is just turning ugly and try to make it "back" into what it was when it was beautiful...
B.
Yeah this is pretty common when we are dealing with loved ones who are alcoholics. In spite of the arguing and other negative stuff are you getting good things out of this friendship?
One of my A brothers is a a musician and slowly his drinking eroded his ability to play with his band. His fellow bandmates love him and worry about his drinking. They were sad to break up the band. For him, it was never about his drinking. *sigh*
It's really hard. But they had a lot of great years and made a lot of fantastic music together. Sometimes it helps to see that all relationships, all "bands" will come to an end eventually and we have to kind of trust the process of life and not cling and force something that is just turning ugly and try to make it "back" into what it was when it was beautiful...
B.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
"We dont argue about the drinking even though we both know its behind the surface problems, we argue about "you said this" "you did that" "no i didnt" "yes you did."
That back and forth, push and pull is part of the realtionship between and codependant and a alcoholic. There is NEVER (in my expereince) any permanent resolution. There might be appeasment for a time, but the scenario will resurface until the alcoholic stops drinking AND seeks treatment. The codependant/enabler is sucked into (or jumps into) the unhealthy dynamic and ultimately requires help too.
I am 2 1/2 months into weekly therapy and al-anon meetings.
That back and forth, push and pull is part of the realtionship between and codependant and a alcoholic. There is NEVER (in my expereince) any permanent resolution. There might be appeasment for a time, but the scenario will resurface until the alcoholic stops drinking AND seeks treatment. The codependant/enabler is sucked into (or jumps into) the unhealthy dynamic and ultimately requires help too.
I am 2 1/2 months into weekly therapy and al-anon meetings.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Stand on your own two feet, put one foot in front of the other, and walk away.
He knows you care, but he also has to know that you are not up to watching him kill himself. His is a song that is played solo.
His insanity has already affected you. Only he can make the decision to get recovery - nothing you do will alter that. Preserve you own sanity - now. Read the at the top this forum and keep posting.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NYC, NY
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I would like to "walk away" however he is part of a "circle of friends" We are frisbee freestylers that do everything together. They are not as close to him but people know this guy all over the world as he is one of if not the best in history...They, as i was, are willing to forgive him his little faults, after all hes the greatest! But its the fallen idol syndrome for me.. now do i have to walk away from all these other people? This is what makes this so hard for me, i have to give up 20 friends and he just has to avoid me. Theres gonna be a football party next sunday and the host as well as the rest dont care if he drinks, but then they arent being hurt by him like me...so it just makes it all that more difficult for me, this is totally unfair! I frigging HATE alcohol and what it does to people!
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I know how hard it is. I think you may have to just work on managing your feelings & your exposure to it somehow....and it may take some time for you to get into this new reality. There's a whole spectrum from business-as-usual to no-contact-ever and you have to decide what your heart can handle.
He's making his own choices, and it may take some time before something happens to snap his head around to the need for different choices. Until then, you just have to decide how much you can take, and maybe limit contact at events like this weekend's. Things like Al-Anon and counseling helped me to figure out where my limits were....and sometimes they weren't where I thought they'd be. Pretty damned sad, isn't it? Sorry robz...I wish this were easier for you.
He's making his own choices, and it may take some time before something happens to snap his head around to the need for different choices. Until then, you just have to decide how much you can take, and maybe limit contact at events like this weekend's. Things like Al-Anon and counseling helped me to figure out where my limits were....and sometimes they weren't where I thought they'd be. Pretty damned sad, isn't it? Sorry robz...I wish this were easier for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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the one time i tried talking to him, as long as everything becomes biz as usual, he forgets that we even had a conversation...it HAS gotten worse, thats why i am fed up.
he has no tolerance for anybody else, and wants everyone to tolerate his bad behavior..and they do cause hes the king and we dont want to upset the king!!! Everyone else idolizes him as i did....I have to give him an ultimatum now and im avoiding it cause im so scared of his reaction, plus i know initially that he will probably choose booze over me and that hurts too
he has no tolerance for anybody else, and wants everyone to tolerate his bad behavior..and they do cause hes the king and we dont want to upset the king!!! Everyone else idolizes him as i did....I have to give him an ultimatum now and im avoiding it cause im so scared of his reaction, plus i know initially that he will probably choose booze over me and that hurts too
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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plus i know initially that he will probably choose booze over me and that hurts too
You need to do what you need to do, for YOU. Not for him, or the team, for YOU.
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