Alaia

I went to court yesterday to find out what happens with my ex-abf. He had to plead guilty to the misdameinors and the felonies are continued without a finding for 18 months. I dropped the stolen car and a&b because I felt it was a misunderstanding and didn't want to press charges for it. He also is on probation and OCC for 18 months. I am happy with the outcome. I worked with the DA so he could get the help he needs. I also modified my restraining order so that there is no abuse but we can have contact. I think it will be helpful for his recovery if he has my support of friendship. I kept a no abuse clause for my safety. It was granted. He looks good. He's serious about his recovery and wants to go to school. He just moved up a level in his program so he gets a little more freedom. Has to start looking for a job monday. I have to say I am proud of him right now.

In the meantime it's nice to be able to talk to him, but still have my space. It feels like things are getting back on track for both of us.

Then I call my best friend. She just got married. Her and her husband are both heroin addicts. They are not doing well. It hurts me a little to hear that but it's their choice to get help or to continue using. They aren't ready yet. I don't get to see them much anymore since they moved. I don't choose to see them much either though. I just talk to her when I can and let her know I am there for her if she needs me. I can't tell her what to do with her life. But I can't cut her out either. Maybe someday they will choose recovery.

marle

Sounds like you have made really positive steps forward. Hopefully this is his bottom and he continues on the path to recovery. I truly believe that addicts do not want to be the way they are. It is a disease. That has helped me to have compassion and to make boundaries to protect myself until my addict found recovery and showed me by her actions that she wanted it. Hugs, Marle

Seren

Really excellent positive steps for your good! Thank you for sharing!
HG

greeteachday

Thanks for the update. It sounds like each of you is making progress in your own way and with your own recovery. I'm sorry about your friend - hope someday soon she decides enough is enough.

itisatruth

Ditto what Marle said; you are making choices based on what you need and what is acceptable to you in your life right now, as well as showing compassion for your ex. Good for you.

I'm glad things went well in court, I look forward to reading about your continued progress , I hope he continues towards recovery, and I hope your friend finds what she needs as well.

Hugs--

StillLearning1

Alaia-
I have to tell you, I am concerned about you.
I don't understand, or know what happened. But for some reason you were so fearful of this man, you called the police and took out a restraining order.

Though he appears to be getting help for alcohol/drug abuse. Is he getting any help with abuse- whatever his actions were, that frightened you? Are you?
Not sure- *a&b*- was that assault and battery?
Of you?

If it was, I am frightened for you. No, there is NO excuse, no misunderstanding- regardless of what you said or did, it is NEVER okay for someone to lay a hand on you. Even threaten to.
His priority right now, may to be to work on his sobriety and recovery from drugs. Work that program first. Just my opinion, there is more here that needs to be worked on, by both of you. Not just AA/NA- alanon stuff.
Please take care of yourself. Be safe. Learn about domestic abuse.
Not all addicts are violent, which sadly your addict appears to be.
Forgiveness is one thing, trust is another. Please talk to a counselor who is familiar with restraining orders, they are a wealth of information. Knowledge and experience.

I am concerned for you and your safety.

URMYEVERYTHING

I would have to agree with stilllearning. How much are you willing to invest in someone who was assaultive to you in the past?? What does he give to you that you continue to be supportive??? Like stilllearning points out, not all addicts are violent. When there is violence involved, that is crossing the line to another realm that it is hard to return from. Please be careful.

Alaia

Thank you so much for your concern. It's nice to have such a great support system. A&B is assult and battery but it was a mis-understanding. He would never hit me. He pushed me (not hard) just to get me out of the way so he could take the car. The police are the once who put down A&B. I am not in "fear" of my ex. I got a restraining order more for No Contact than anything. He kept calling me @ work after I changed my cell #. I didn't want to talk to him and he wouldn't accept that and give me the space I requested. I told him if he continued to call me @ work he would leave me no choice but to get a restraining order. He kept calling, so I did what I said I was going to do. I think it actually helped because he was at that point, completely alone. We had no contact for over 2 months and it gave us both a chance to work on ourselves. At this point, as I told the judge in court, I modified it only because I believe it will be helpful for his recovery if he can contact me when he wants to talk. Now that he has some clean time he needs a little support to know that he can do this. It's nice for me to be able to talk to him, but he is court ordered to finish his program so he can't just waltz back into my life. It gives me the space I need to live my life, and be there to support him as he tries to recover from his addiction. I have learned to detach and not to get too involved.

I would never stay in a relationship with someone who would hit me. I would never tolerate that kind of behavior. I don't even tolerate verbal abuse. I thank you for your advice, but advise you that there is no need to worry about me and an abusive relationship. It was nice of you to post what you did though, because if I did need that kind of help, it was very helpful.

hello-kitty

Interesting that you don't think pushing you out of the way to steal your car is abusive. I'm glad you are detached and not getting to involved, as no matter how you describe or explain his behavior, it's pretty much unacceptable by most peoples standards. Or it should be. Stay true to your values and to yourself.

winnie12

Anvilhead is right on target with this. Previously you wrote about a very abusive scene where he is taking your phone so you cant call the police, he is driving off with you hanging out of the car, he pushed you out and took your car. How do you not see this as theft and abuse now? We all calm down after we get over dramatic events but dont just excuse this all away as a simple misunderstanding.

URMYEVERYTHING

I agree with winnie unless there is a part that is missing from you??? It's one thing to say it's a misunderstanding because you may feel embarrassed by something you did in the situation to contribute to the domestic disagreement and now there is some rationalizing and backtracking vs. him being the aggressor only and now you are minimizing his behavior. This is a vicious cycle to get wrapped up in. Again, be careful and keep your distance for a while. He has lots of work to do.

winnie12

Alaia - please read this and see if you recognize your relationship in here. Doorways for Women and Families - What We Do - Patterns of Abuse and the Cycle of Violence

Alaia

wow...this went from positive to negative fast. I am at a loss for words right now.

Alaia

I am proud of him. He could have left the program before it was court ordered, he could have went to crash with friends and continued to use but he went to detox and got in a program, and I think that deserves a little credit. Don't tell me how to feel. Isn't it important to support addicts a little? I read something about it in Addict in the Family...how they need to have a little support to help them know that they can recover. I am gonna look it up when I get home. I am not a victim of abuse. People pushed me to get a restraining order, and I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. Just like I thought it was right to modify it now. No one asked me modify it, I did it on my own because I feel it WILL be helpful for him to be able to reach out to me if he needs in his recovery since I am one of the only people he knows that doesn't use drugs.

hello-kitty

Why do you think this is negative? I don't think you need to be defensive. If this thread isn't helpful to you, maybe it is helpful to someone who IS abused and needs to read this kind of stuff. No one is attacking you or your boyfriend. Quite the opposite. No one is telling you how to feel. Where does anyone say "You should feel X or Y"? I am just concerned based on your previous posts here. If you've changed your mind, that's fine. Good. Stick with your guns. I honestly hope everything works out for both of you.

As they say in the program "take what you want and leave the rest."

I'm glad you don't think you are a victim of abuse. I hope you never become one in the future. Either way, I hope you keep us posted on how things are going for you.

Most certainly, I hope you have firm boundaries in place and you keep them intact throughout your BF's recovery.

Alaia

I never said I am the only person who can save him. I never said I can save him.

Alaia

No, I do feel the need to be a little defensive. People were telling me that my update was good, then I get a bunch of people harping on me that I am being abused, ect and I responded that I am not, and thanked people for their concern and said it was helpful info and then get ragged on even more about having contact with my ex, when all I wanted was to be happy. it was a positive thread to me until I felt like I am be attacked for wanting to talk to my ex. I am and should be proud of him and the choices and progress he has made. I am happy for him, why does that have to be such a bad thing?

winnie12

I could talk to you for hours on this subject Alaia but will let it go after this comment because i dont know if i'm explaining myself well and i dont want you to feel like you have to defend him or yourself here. I went through years of abuse when a man I loved dearly who was an addict so maybe I'm clouded. I read your posts and I see myself 15 years ago saying the same exact things. When I see you write the same exact things that I have said myself in the past it scares me because I remember the escallation of addiction and abuse and how I glossed it all over while i was in the midst of it.

For your sake I sincerely hope that we are wrong and are just reading too much into this - we just all want you and all of the other women on this site to be safe. A man who has a temper and uses is a dangerous combination and that's all we're trying to get you to see.

Maybe it would be good for you to be feeling proud of yourself now and not of him - maybe for a while work on your own life instead of helping him in his. No one is saying you should leave him, abandon him, hate him, nothing like that - just take care of yourself first and let him take care of his self on his own.

hello-kitty

I remember one time when my ex stole my car. He didn't "steal" my car. I let him borrow it to run to the store but unfortunately he didn't come back for 3 days. He was getting high. He wouldn't answer the phone. He was playing the addict card on me. I was stressed out of my mind, and I was angry, and I was 8 months pregnant. When he finally came back I was FURIOUS. I yelled and screamed and pushed him. He smacked me in the face (I use the word smacked, even though I ended up with a black eye). He pushed me down and I landed on the cement. Then he threw the keys at me and just left me lying there on the sidewalk. 8 months pregnant.

Abuse? To this day I have a hard time wrapping my head around the whole notion. It is what it is. I went to the hospital and lied to the doctor about what happened. Told her I got hit in the face with a broom handle. She questioned me. Asked me if there was trouble at home...

You be the judge. Was I abused? Or was it just a misunderstanding? To this day, he insists it was a misunderstanding... an accident. Even alludes to the fact that it was my fault because I pushed him.

I am still in denial about whether it constitutes abuse to this day. I should know better.

StillLearning1

Alaia,
I'm sorry you feel this way. Yep, things were going good until I posted.
I don't really know what to say, may start another thread, so as not to hijack yours.

I have to say, I am still confused. As I say this, there is no reason for you to respond, you do not have to justify anything, to me or anyone else. You have a right to your feelings. But maybe this will help you understand.
My responses are really just based on my personal experience, or the experience of those I have known.
Why were the police called at all? How did they even get involved in the first place?
If it was just a misunderstanding, he would never, could never. You would never, why the need to have any kind of legal document, protective order in place?

My past experience- in short.
I seemed to not be able to fully comprhend. It was the drug, crack cocaine, not my husband/ex.. So treatment would solve everything. Like you, I was given many good strokes from not just my husband, but the treatment professionals, AA'ers and alanoners, even marriage counselors for being forgiving, supportive. Caring, loving- were the adjectives I heard alot.
Oops, he would leave treatment early, leave the sober house, quit talking to his sponser, quit going to meetings- He changed, relapsed.
Suddenly those adjectives changed. From good to bad. Now I was the sick one, the codie, controlling, enabling.
One thing no one ever said, not until the day I got the protective order, and talked with an advocate there. Abuse.
Some addict/alcoholics are not just users and abusers of chemicals, people too.

I hope that yours is not. I still am going to say, I am concerned for you, but am going to have to let go of it.

For those that have had a different experience, maybe known people who have experienced abuse, were afraid. Thank you for posting your concerns.