timetogo

I have been struggling for a few months now, knowing that this craziness has to end. I can't trust my addicted husband and he has done some pretty unacceptable things in the past months(ok, years) especially around large sums of money. It is becoming more and more frequent now.

I guess what I wanted to ask is why, oh why, do these bad horrible incidences fade in my memory? Do you know what I mean? It has been less than a week since we rang in the new year (i'm pretty sure he was high on coke in our home with all our friends -- who, by the way, would never ever touch it, nor would I and DO NOT allow it in the house). It hasn't even been a week since he came home P****D out of his mind and created a huge scene in front of me and my 16 year old daughter (his pattern is just not to come home when he has been using -- once every couple of weeks right now -- used to be once every six weeks to two months -- progression I guess). Why do these two, fairly recent events feel like they were years ago?

Why does that pain feel distant and all I can think of is how difficult life will be without him - how much I will miss him (he is an awesome guy when he is sober), how much it will hurt to be alone, how I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. What is this sick thinking that allows me to only focus on what's good, not bad?

GiveLove

What were you raised with? I know I grew up in pain and chaos, with an impressive collection of fears and trauma. Drama and chaos in my adult life came to feel normal, almost comforting, like a childhood food that makes you feel good.

Maintaining that ongoing drama in my life was wired into me. Plus, the more I got through, the more used to it I got (the old "frog in the hot water" analogy)

I was so terrified of being alone that my defense mechanisms quickly put awful things behind me. Working on my own wiring and fears was really helpful. Because truly? I didn't want to forget. I knew that selective amnesia was killing me on so many levels.

They're ALL swell guys when they're sober, or we wouldn't be with them. It's what they do when they aren't that will drive you into poverty, teach your daughter what kind of husband to find (one just like him), and make you sit on the edge of your bed when you're 80 and think: "Oh my god I wasted it. All of it."

When the fear of those things became greater than my fear of temporary aloneness or inconvenience, then I acted -- and not one moment before.

Take care of yourself, timetogo. Consider reading your old posts whenever you come out here. It can be an eye-opener, and keep you in touch with what's happening to you.

LaTeeDa

I don't think I could have done it without my counselor. Not only was she an objective set of "clear" eyes who could see what was going on without the filter of emotion, she supported me, and even cheered me on when I took difficult steps toward empowerment. It's really nice to have someone on your side when you start to doubt yourself. I got that support in therapy. Many here get it in Alanon. Some even do both.

L

Bernadette

Easy does it.

It's called denial.
And believe it or not if you have been living with an alcoholic/addict for many years and slowly lowering your standards of what is acceptable in a relationship denial can cut pretty deep and become a very powerful tool you actually use against yourself.

It's time to arm yourself with some new tools! They will feel awkward at first. They might hurt and not work right in the beginning, but if you keep applying them they WILL work.

All this focusing on the good and keeping the denial about the bad going is to protect yourself. I mean the pain you've allowed into your life and worse, into your children's lives is harder to look at than to keep the rosy glasses on and pretend it ain't so bad.

Maybe make a list - a kind of not-happy endings list where you remember all the times he has hurt you or betrayed you or hurt your children or shown them some way of behaving that you pray they never imitate.

When the "good times" reel starts rolling in your mind take this list out to remind you about how things really are/were. You've got to train your mind to play the tape all the way through to the end.

Another handy little tool is to have a plan - each day, just for yourself. Is there something you need to get done? Is there something, some little thing you can do to extract yourself from this situation? A budget? A major house cleaning? Some list making? When you start obsessing about the good old daze, maybe let yourself for five minutes and then say OK now I gotta spend at least 5 minutes on my plan!

I don't know-- these are just some of the things I took away from AlAnon back when I was lost and in pain and denial....keep recommitting yourself to your recovery-- you've lived this way a long time--you can't just *snap* out of it! But when I'm in trouble I find having a little plan that I keep referring to really helps me move forward---

It's tough stuff on your own- have you tried AlAnon?
Peace-
B.

timetogo

To answer your question GL, I was raised in an alcoholic home (my father) and my mother "stayed for the kids". My father sexually abused me for at least 3 years (what I remember). I hated my mother more for staying in that situation than my father for creating it. I felt sorry for him because he was "sick" (I'm sick). I never lacked for material things and always got what I wanted. By the time my sister left (five years after me) my parents were living on different floors of the house (which we are doing now, not speaking) -- my mom walked away from everything when she was my age, now lives alone at 63. I have the utmost respect for my mother now and I understand why she did what she did. My father died 1.5 years ago without me ever confronting him although I have done some work on my abuse issues in counselling. I'm sure my mom is happier now but I think she is lonely, and I am terrified of ending up that way -- alone.

I have been to alanon a few years ago -- it was helpful but my role with my employment has changed and I began to run into my clients at the meetings. There is a town about 45 minutes from me but it is so cold (-25today) and the snow is brutal. And then the fuel -- I really do need to go though. I am starting counselling next week and my youngest daughter is on a list as well. My oldest daughter is the poster girl for denial so I don't think she will go to counselling (until she is about 30 anyway).

It really is helping to come to this board and read all the stories -- it makes me sad, angry, resentful, hurt and hopeful. I will definitely keep coming back here. I'm worried about seeing him tonight because the girls aren't at home so he will be wanting to "talk" It's very dangerous for me. (if he even comes home -- I don't think he has any money so he has been coming home every night wanting a pat on the back for that). I keep trying to hold on to "one day at a time" and knowing I don't have to make any decisions today (I worry I will keep saying that and never make one!)

I'm usually a pretty well put together person and am finding that I feel like I'm unravelling very rapidly -- I'm scared to death.
ttg

queenteree

Anvilhead - ROFLMAO!!!!!

ToughChoices

I totally had an AHA moment when I read this.

I think the fear of being alone is a difficult and pervasive one.
It certainly scares me to think about being elderly and isolated.
But WHY - why in the world - would I think that staying married to an unreliable, chemically dependent man would protect me from loneliness in old age?

For one thing, alcoholics tend to die earlier than average - they suffer a multitude of alcohol related illnesses that lower their life expectancy. So (especially since my husband is quite a bit older than I am), in all likelihood, the alcoholic will die before me anyhow (I eat well, don't smoke, and run as a hobby). That would leave me alone at 65, anyway, even if I stayed married.

For another thing, what kind of company is a cranky, chronic alcoholic in the late stages of his disease? Is he/she sociable, fun, upbeat, and excited about new experiences? Doubtful. I'd rather spend my time with some bridge buddies at the Senior Center. I'd rather learn to square dance and go on a cruise through the Panama Canal with my canasta group. I'd rather ride cross-country on motorcycles with friends. My A would be at home consuming alcohol.

Not being married at 65 does not mean being alone unless I choose to make it so.
There are MANY other options out there.
MANY.

Sorry if this ended up being a rant and a hijack. I just realized that my fear of being alone as I age, is a needless one.
I am in control of how much human contact I have.

I bet a bunch of older friends would LOVE to live with me in some big old Victorian house. We could work in the garden together and make soup with our home-grown vegetables!

Excuse me while I go and make peace with my uncertain, but beautiful future.


-TC

timetogo

"i bet you could write a list of sayings, quotes and buzzwords, and check em off as he goes along. if he hits 10 of em, go treat yourself a trip to the spa or something. (ok kinda kidding there, that would be kind of sick/twisted game, but we could make up notepads and sell em in a new board game called QUACKERS!!!!). "


This is so true Anvil! I have actually sat before and listened to him and knew everything he was going to say -- so why do I believe it time and time again? Is it because it's so desperately what I want to hear? I don't have to worry about it at the moment because (big surprise) he hasn't shown tonight. I am not expecting him to and really really hope he doesn't. I am relieved actually -- cherishing being alone - empowered. So why doesn't that feeling last?

I feel ok today because it's not pay day -- when push comes to shove, I worry about the money most of all. If it was next Friday, I would be panicking (even though I have enough money set aside to take care of things without anything from him for at least two months).

I don't know how to break away -- how do you do it? How do you be alone? How do you get past feelings of being on your own, nobody to do the things you can't do (he can do everything from fix a car, to build the house we're in). Nobody to talk with, share things with -- how do you do that?

LaTeeDa

You make excellent points TC. Not to mention that your financial security would likely be shot because whatever money hasn't been frittered away by the A would probably be consumed by his medical bills.......

L

LaTeeDa

I've learned to do so many things I thought I couldn't do. You can, too. I once changed all the locks on my house, including drilling and installing a deadbolt on one door that didn't have one. I chop kindling for the fireplace every week. I've managed minor plumbing and electrical repairs. For those things that are truly over my head, I hire someone!

My therapist was one of the people who listened to me. She had to, I was paying her, lol. But, also a couple of close friends, my sister, and my friends from SR. I also took some classes at the local community college, attended local events, even went to City Council meetings. There are lots of people out there. You will find some who share your interests.

L

ToughChoices

If living apart from my husband has taught me anything, it's that there is a world of people out there who'd love to help me. Before, I was relying FAR too much on my AH to meet my needs.
There are friends who'd love to chat over a cup of coffee. People who WANT to go see a movie with me. Family who are happy to help with tasks like moving, painting, car repairs, etc...

My Al-Anon group is a great source of strength and companionship, too.

There are people out there to share with.

-TC

GiveLove

I felt far more lonely WITH my XA than I ever did alone, and I don't even have children.

How?
I learned to fix things I was interested in, and hired out the rest.
I became physically strong and calm, because I was no longer buried under unhappiness.
I took time to remember what I wanted to do with my life, and I did it.
I stopped isolating with an alcoholic and went out and built multiple social groups based on my own passions and interests.
I got involved in my community, going to local events and feeling like part of a family.
I made friends I NEVER would have found if I'd still been with him.
I learned about things like intentional communities and co-housing, which creates supportive communities that take care of one another. Like this one

All in all, my life was a hundred times happier and more optimistic and....powerful.

And I had exactly the same fears you have now when I started. I just had to begin, and know that I wanted all of these things, and enlist the help of a counselor and my support system to help get me there.

The funny thing was this: After developing my alone-muscles like this, I radiated independence, kindness, and love. And so it wasn't long before I started to attract people who found that kind of woman irresistible. Who knew?

That's how.

Hugs to you ttg!!

GiveLove

Okay, goodbye cave, hellooooo victorian house. Have I mentioned I am a master gardener? Am I in?

DesertEyes

This one quote jumped out at me. I learned from my (adopted) Mom that we become what we fear, and that we can make our own happiness. At the age of 83, and having survived three husbands, she decided she didn't want to live alone. So she grabbed the yellow pages and proceeded to visit all the "Assisted Living" communities in her town. Sold all her furniture and moved in.

She is now 95, happier and busier than she has ever been. She teaches the aerobics class, calls bingo, organizes the pinnocle tournaments and declared to us kids that she is _not_ a widow. She is _single_ and has _two_ boyfriends to prove it. Homer and Conrad, each of which is over 100.

Couple years ago she packed up and signed up for a tour of the Rhine. Concerned for her age, I asked her why. She said she had never had a boyfriend that spoke French and now would be a good time.

Off she went.

A month later she came back happy as a lark. She will not say a word about the boyfriend thing, but she does get a box of French chocolates in the mail every month. From Paris.

Mike
p.s. I've decided I'm not divorced. I'm single and got _one_ girlfriend to prove it

ToughChoices

Totally in. You can teach me your tricks - I have the heart of a gardener but, so far, NONE of the talent. I'm not giving up, though!

freeflower

EC I'm in! I love old victorians. My home of the last 22 years was one, now up for sale. Raised my children their. memories

beaglebaby

Timetogo -- one thing that helped me was to buy a journal and literally "write" everything out -- the crap I'd put up with, the awful things he said, the numerous affairs. Also wrote my blessings, goals, things to do for me. Some were literally like today just load the dishwasher so I could set goal and complete it. Certainly I was in the midst of depression -- but logging, crying, looking at words really helped me put in perspective and see how AGAIN there's nothing at all I can do to change anything.

Reminder

Hitimetogo:

Whether you realize it or not, the truth is you are alone if you are living with an active A. It's called self-alienation. He is alienated from himself by drinking, and you are alienated from yourself by reacting to the ensuing drama. You can't fix his self-alienation, but you can fix yours, whether you stay with the A or you leave.

You say, as your name implies, it's time to go. If you think that leaving your A is going to solve your problem, you are sadly mistaken. Your self-alienation will follow you wherever you go just like his will follow him.

So what is the solution? As a matter of fact, you need to be around some drama in order to know that you have really solved your problem. If not from the A in your life, then from somewhere else.

Peace.

nowinsituation

For me this was (and continues to be) the hardest part about leaving. I managed to wrap my head around and accept that YES, I was lonely living with my AH; and YES, he was likely to pass away (or be infirmed) by the time we were senior citizens. I knew that counting on a future free of lonliness with him was pure fantasy. But, he was still here -- someone to go to dinner with and to chat with at the end of the day. I hadn't dealt well being alone 25 years ago when I was single.

In the first months after I left I felt very betrayed by the people that I assumed were going to bridge that loneliness gap for me. Some were family, coworkers, and friends. These were people that I had isolated from for the past years -- now I expected them to be there for me 24/7 so I wouldn't be lonely. I was hugely disappointed and resentful!

Only in the past few weeks have I felt that I have come through this (moved out a little over a year ago). It is an effort to find and nurture relationships. I have found some within Alanon, some new neighbors at my new house, re-established relationships with old friends. I have also become more satisfied with my own company, and have less of a need to distract myself having someone with me. It hasn't been easy -- and the thing that has helped me MOST of all is turning it over to my HP. I let go and trust that he will provide everything that I need, included companionship.

Please don't let the fear of loneliness keep you trapped. It is not easy, but it is WORTH it!