Jenna7713

I dont know really where to begin, but I moved up here close to two years ago for work. I instantly fell in love with one of my coworkers. We became friends and started hanging out, finally we started hooking up. Over the next year or so we would hang out every now and then and drink. One night we went out and we got hammered. We started driving home and he got pulled over and received a DUI. After the instance, we continued to hang out and hook up. All along I was ripping my heart out everytime I saw him, because for me it really was love at first sight. Well, eventually down the road we officially started dating and I told him that this would be the last time we did this. So our relationship continued and to be quite honest it was everything I was looking for. The only problem was, he was a drinker. He couldnt stop drinking when he started. There would be nights that we had so much fun, but then there would be nights that I felt like he dug into my insecurities and played them out. But all and all I was completely in love with him. He was there for me when I went through some hard times and I was there for him. I wanted to move in with him, I wanted to marry him and I wanted to have his kids. He was the only person I have ever dated, that I wanted to see everyday that I could! (I usually am like a guy in relationships, I love my space, never thought about settling down, and sure as hell never wanted kids...) But anyways, I went home to see my family before Thanksgiving and when I returned our relationship just seemed so different. And basically the next day he broke up with me over the phone. That's the day my world came down. I am never ever been like that or had those feelings before. I continued to talk to him here and there and helped him out with somethings that he needed. But still to this day, I am completely in love with him. He has been going to AA and actually it was a decision that we both agreed on, because I thought it could help our relationship. It turns out he feels that he has to devote 150% of his time to AA and says he wouldnt be able to give me what I need....So basically, I need help, advice something. I keep thinking that this is my fault. And then there's this otherside of me that is so angry and pissed. I feel like I have always been there for him regarding so much and I have ALWAYS supported his AA and his choice to not drink...so why is it me that he is leaving behind in the dust? Does AA recommend that you dont have a relationship? Does he just not love me anymore? I really am having a hard time understanding this. I feel as if a part of me is dead.

Thank you,
Jenna

GiveLove

hi jenna,

I'm so sorry you're hurting right now.

Please read around on this forum, especially the sticky posts at the very top. Educate yourself about what alcoholism is, does, how it progresses, the strange twists and turns it can take. Read some of the posts from people who fell in love with active alcoholics, and all of the wild rides they have had to take back to happiness. This may be your number one weapon against despair right now: knowledge.

Alcoholics can behave in strange and erratic ways sometimes, both pre-recovery program and during. Though it's hurting you, the fact is he's made a choice for himself here to (apparently) focus on his recovery....and just like THEY don't get to have power over OUR choices, we don't get to have power over theirs either. He's doing what he feels is best for himself.

This is a really tough time for you right now, I know, so please be gentle with yourself. You didn't cause this and you can't control it. All you can do is slowly work on rebuilding your own happiness regardless of the choices he's made. You may have loved him, but your life is much, much bigger than whatever person you're involved in a romantic relationship with. In a similar situation, I got a lot of help from seeing a personal counselor who specialized in grief. Until I learned how to grieve what I thought I had, I couldn't move on, and he taught me how. Maybe it would be helpful for you too?

Hugs and strength to get past this to joy again

GL

ToughChoices

He has chosen to pursue recovery.
It is a pursuit that requires a huge commitment of time and a complete change in priorities.
Some people choose to remain in their relationships when they begin recovery. Other people choose to leave those relationships. The reasons for staying or leaving are unique for each person and each situation.
You could ask him why he felt the need to leave - would you be able to accept what he has to say without trying to convince him otherwise?

You sound like a very kind and giving person.
He's working on himself - perhaps you could give AlAnon a try, direct some of that kindness and generosity towards yourself.

I'm glad that you're here.
-TC

mle-sober

This might sound harsh and please know I don't mean it that way. I am just trying to write to you what comes to my mind. I'm a recovering alcoholic (11 months) not the partner of an alcoholic. So, take my words for what they are.

I know that when I was drinking, my relationships felt sexy and complex and terribly important to me.

And when I entered recovery, many of those same relationships looked shallow and unsubstantial and as if they were propped up by alcohol. I had little to say to those people sober. I had little sense of true contact with them. I had, even, a kind of embarrassed and empty feeling when I thought about them.

(I'm married and I have been lucky enough that my husband has stayed with me. And my relationship with him has never felt shallow. When I say that, I am looking back to much earlier relationships, before my husband.)

The way you describe the beginning of your relationship - "hooking up" again and again, drinking a lot... I can imagine that for the alcoholic in the relationship, much of the fun was potentially based on drinking. For him.

I don't think that's something that would be very easy to tell someone. And, I obviously don't know the truth of how things felt for him and why he broke up with you. But it does sound like you were more truly invested in the relationship than he was (or else why would he leave?)

Moving forward and finding your own balance again is a necessity. The path in front of you is to take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself, mourn the loss of the relationship that you deeply valued, and try to move on and heal.

The path that your ex is on is a very hard one. And a courageous one. And a lot of times, people need to walk it alone. That's not him leaving you in the dust. That's him walking his own path. Just as you have a right to walk yours. I think the best way you can show your love for this man is by leaving him alone and respecting his decisions. And ultimately, that also shows your own courage.

embraced2000

if he is really telling the truth about grasping recovery, hurray for him.

it hurt me so badly when my xah went into recovery and told me that he could not deal with our marriage and recovery......that it would be best if he went into a half-way home and worked on himself. i thought......how can a bunch of alkies help him when me, his own wife, could not.

but it's true, only those that have been where he was could help him.

i felt lonely, cut out, dismissed, etc.

he came back from the half-way home after 3 months and it was heaven. we had about 2 months of wedded bliss, but then his demon of alcohol crept back in. he stopped going to meetings. stopped all the things he was suggested to do by his sponsor.

i was heartbroken. i, too, fell deeply in love with this man. i felt like we shared the same breath and heart beats.

i'm sorry you are hurting.

i wish your b/f the best of recovery.

and i wish for you to use this time of discoverying yourself. al-anon is a perfect place to start. they helped me so much during my xah's stay at the half-way home.