taydumrose

i met my bf about 2 months ago. its a long distance relationship, he lives in Cali and im in Vegas. he was up front with me that he is a recovering drug addict and sober now for almost 2 years now. i didnt want a serious relationship right away, being the fact that we live 300 miles apart but he wanted to try it and i really like him so we made it official. so for the last 2 months, for 5 weekends we would always drive to one another and spend those 2 days together. during the week we would text and talk on the phone, but sundays were always hard, knowing it was going to be at least another 5 days til we see each other again, so i would always get emotional. he told me he loved me about a month ago and we even talked about me moving out there. well last weekend i kinda unloaded a bunch of feelings on him, mostly things that i didnt mean, but just wanted to hear reassurance from him that everything will be ok. he sat and listened and took everything in that i was saying. i asked him at one point what he was thinking and he said that he felt very overwhelmed and that he didnt like that feeling cause it brings him to feeling upset and then he thinks of other things. i never once thought about his feelings and the things that i say could cause him to relapse (*note, he was also just laid off 2 weeks ago) he is the first person i know that is recovering, and never once did i think about the things that i say and do could have an impact on his sobriety. i always just thought it was words and that we would be ok. so anyhow, i drove home on tues am and tues afternoon he called and said he couldnt do this anymore, that its just too hard for him. he was crying and was so upset. i was heart broken cause i know that he does love me but the things that i selfishly said, not thinking about his situation, put him over the edge. his sponsor im sure is watching out for his best interest and probably told him that he needs to cut me loose. with him losing his job, not knowing what he'll do financially and then my up and down emotions could cause him to relapse. i care about this man so much and ive been researching all week and i realize things now. i want to tell him that i can be there for him, that i want to understand more about what hes going through. but i think its too late, is it?? he is such a good man, and i think i ruined something that could have been awesome, if i only stopped for a little bit and thought about how its all affecting him. please help me. thank you.

Lilyflower

I have done that in the past. I suffered from very low self esteem and felt I needed reassurance almost constantly that me and mine were in love, that he loved me as much as I did him, that he liked me, that we spent time together, that he and I agreed etc etc etc.

I would panic and become insecure at the slightest things and would go on a verbal outpour of my feelings, only to leave my loved one baffeled, at a loss and confused.

But, once done, I could not take it back, as much as I wanted to.

By all means, I told them I was sorry and that I said things I didn't mean etc. However after that it was completely up to them as to whether they wanted to carry on a relationship with me.

I would not think that his sponsor has 'told' him to split with you. Sponsors to my understanding, do not work that way. The decision would be his. Even if he was 'told', do you think he would do what someone said without his personal reflection on the issue? I know I wouldn't take a course of action just because someone told me to.

I am sorry you are hurting, and I do understand that pain, and the panic that ensues after the realisation 'i put my foot in it', try to forgive yourself not beat yourself up.

Give him some space and you never know what will happen in the future.

In the meantime, address what you said and where those feelings came from. Perhaps you, like me, were feeling low in self confidence or insecure when you said that? It was usually the root of my outbursts.

Work on yourself and heal the parts of you that are hurting. That way whatever happens you will be a healthier happier person, and have greater success in relationships with him or anyone else.

It is well worth the effort.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ToughChoices

You can't make him relapse.
Repeat that statement over and over and over again.

You are a human being, with human needs, foibles, imperfections, etc...
Do you want a relationship in which you feel the need to monitor yourself constantly, for fear that your needs will push him to unhealthy behaviors?

I don't think you need to be so hard on yourself here.
His recovery is HIS business. It's not your job to respond perfectly or put your needs on hold to make his life easier.

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad that you're here!
-TC

laurie6781

(((((taydumrose)))))

Welcome to SR. Lots of great folks here!!!

I have to tell you, first that I have been in recovery continuously from alcohol and drugs for over 27 1/2 years and in recovery for being a co-dependent for over 24 1/2 years.

In early sobriety I married a sober alcoholic. No, it did not last, for reasons I won't go into now.

What I will tell you is this, I have many sober and clean dear dear friends. I have some very dear 'gentlemen' friends with long time recovery, however, yes there is a "BUT" coming:

I will NOT DATE or be involved romatically with any one in recovery no matter how long, and that is that, and of course, will NEVER become involved with one that is still practicing their affliction. The recovering alcoholic and/or addict just has too too much baggage to work through, and some of it they may never work through.

That is just me. I made my mind up to that a long time ago and it has not changed in all these years. I know, I know, some of you are mentally saying "never say never" but in regards to this, this is a BOUNDARY I have to help me maintain my own peace and serenity. Just one of my 'boundaries.'

That being said......................I don't know if there is a chance for you two or not. With him not having even 2 years sober and losing his job, he is going through some real stress for him. Only he really knows what he can and cannot 'handle' at any given moment.

Please, do not think YOU can FORCE this man to 'pick up.' You DO NOT have that control over anyone. OH, he could use what you said as an EXCUSE, but the CHOICE would be his to pick up or not. No other person can pour the booze down the throat of an alcoholic or slam the junk into the arm, or pills down the throat of an addict. No one has that POWER. It is the addicts CHOICE to return to their Drug Of Choice (DOC).

I would like to suggest that you attend some Alanon meetings, and I know there are lots and lots in Las Vegas. Might give you a little insight into YOU and what you can do for YOU, and why YOU choose this person. What is it in you that is 'attracted' to an alcoholic and/or addict. Albeit this one was in recovery, maybe the next one will be active.

Please keep posting, let us know how YOU are doing. There is some great Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) and it is free for the taking and applying to one's own self.

Again, WELCOME.

Hope to read more posts from you soon.

Love and hugs,