kuljey

My bf has been in the residential treatment center for almost a month. I am missin him alot. Im not taking the letters too serious as i dont trust him right now.I think he could be just "bein nice" to me because NO ONE ELSE besides me writes, sends care packages..etc. His mom sends a letter here and there with money...

I am working very hard on me. I may go one of 2 ways: detach completely or heal myself so we are both healthy and can have a healthy relationship. I am seeing a counselor every other week, i go to a support group for co-dependant ppl, i started to go to Al-Anon, and i am going to church again regularly. With Al-Anon i began reading the book Courage to Change (i believe is the name) with daily readings. As far as my spiritual growth i am doing this thing where i am going thru the bible in 1 year, was given to us at the church i attend. For ex. today i read Genesis 20-22 and Luke 8. I have a fellowship of people who are helping me stay accountable for these things so i can stay on track.

I feel like i am desperate to talk to my bf or see him (i write alot) but on the ohter side i am not happy when i have heard from him. He doesnt have phone privilages but on Xmas day and NY day he got to call me, it was wierd i didnt get "jump for joy happy." I have been sending him the CDs of the church sermons (we attend a non-denominational christial church) and they have been good sermons!!!

I dont know what to do w/my anxiety tho... I have been going both ways glad for the peace and quiet but ANXIOUS AS HECK to not be able to talk to him. Ohhhh i dont know... In therapy i told her that i am going to take the time to detach myself,but im not doing that. Then the other part of me says no he really loves you and you need to be patient for 5+ more months.

Really dont know if to trust his letters....I even took all his pictures down from work and home.

Thanks for letting me vent...thanks to anyone and everyone who writes back with tips, advice, what you did.

***my bf has smoked marijuna/drank/smoked/used cocaine since a teen. he was a meth addict and went to treatment for 6 weeks. he then continued to smoke marijuana and drink, eventually using cocaine and eventually went back to meth. The last thing he did was use heroin (via needle) and steal my daughters ADD medicine (right before he left for treatment) and steal my vehicle and disappeared for 2 days****

Yvonne

Hangin' In

Hey Kuljey,

Welcome to SR. I'm so glad you've found this site as there is lot of good info and wise people who understand.

Sounds like you have taken some very good steps to begin taking care of yourself. Good for you! Attending meetings, going to a counselor and adding church which is really focusing on your HP and working on your spiritual life, should all help.

I go to Al Anon meetings and attend church also. I was a church attender prior to Al Anon, and I have to admit Al Anon has really helped my spiritual life and the ability to deal with the addiction of my loved one.

As far as the anxiousness, well, I have to be honest and tell you that will not go away overnight. Recovery is a very slow process and we have to work on it daily. No one could have been more anxious than I was, but today I'm so much better because I use the tools I've been given through the 12 step program of Al Anon and through this board.

I know I had to commit to my meetings and listen and then put into practice what I was learning. It was very hard because some of it was so unnatural for me. For ex: Let go and let God. Oh, how could I let go? What would happen if I did let go? That was so hard for me, but after hearing that over and over at meetings, I found that letting go and letting God was the best thing for both me and my AD. If I didn't let go (as if I had any power over her to start off with??? That's Step 1: I am powerless over her and her addiction), her addiction was going to suck the life out of me. And it was sucking the life out of me. I was at the end of my rope and sick and tired of being sick and tired ... and VERY anxious.

So give yourself some credit and keep doing what your doing. Recovery is like a roller coaster ride for a while ... up and down, up and down. But I guarantee you that if you continue with your meetings, and apply the program and what you will learn on this board, your life will get better.

As far as your bf is concerned, his recovery is up to him. And remember those three C's: You didn't Cause it; you can't Control it; and you can't Cure it.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

laurie6781

Slow and steady. Take his 'letters' with a grain or two of salt.

Continue to work on you, your goals for you, your boundaries, etc.

Only after he leaves treatment and you can view his ACTIONS, not his words, will you get a true idea of how serious he is about recovery.

In the meantime, please continue to post, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh to let us know how YOU are doing, we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

Impurrfect

(((Yvonne)))

Welcome to SR!!

Sounds like you are doing all the right things to take care of you!

Hangin' and Laurie are right. It takes time for the anxiety and mixed feelings to go away, and you won't know how serious he is about recovery until you see his actions, in the real world.

However, as each day goes by and you focus more on you, and less on him, the easier it gets. When I couldn't stop thinking about HIM, I would say "ME" out loud, to put the focus back on the only person I could control...me. Sounds stupid, but it worked.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Ann

Welcome, Yvonne.

My story is very similar to Hangin's except that in my case it is my son who is the addict in my life. He has been missing for over 4 years now and it is only by the grace of God, my program and SR that I have found peace in my life and joy in each day. Each morning I say a prayer and give my son to God's care, and that lets me get through my days finding joy in each one.

My anxiety level was so high that my doctor had me on medication for panic attacks and anxiety, and I lived in fear 24 hours a day. Today I need nothing else except my program and support to keep my balance and I am so grateful for the spiritual connection that has removed all anxiety and pain.

You are doing good things for yourself already, and just keeping the focus on you and your own recovery will help you more than you can imagine right now.

My prayers go out for you and for your boyfriend, that recovery will take you both to a better path and a life filled with hope, joy and peace.

Hugs

kuljey

I have now attended my 1st al-anon meeting, tonight is my 2nd meeting. i have been trying to decode the letter my boyfriend is sending me w/o luck. before he left he did say he loved me but now its he want to marry me, he is dying to know if i am cheating on him while he is gone, he wants me to stay true to him, he wants me and only me, when he phases up he will only call me to hear my "sexy" voice, he misses me so much he want to run away to just be with me...

before he left he disappeared for 2days in my uncles vehicle and one of those days i had take a vacation day to spend with him alone. now im questioning all of this talk. i have asked directly to sit down, think about it and answer why now am i so important when he was not at rehab he would yell, be mean..etc. he says he has answered and stop asking. he says he is trying to be different and he is doing well learning. he has passed the physical fitness testing to be a firefighter where he is. he described the tests as very hard for him (he is tall and overweight.) he said he is rapidly getting in shape. he told me in the past if i was to gain weight he couldnt be with me. i am very worried/fearful that he will take the rest of this 5mo 1wk and recover (great for him) from his addictions, get fit/trim/etc and come back to me who is a MESS and dump me! geez i am so worried. i am tellin you, i am grouchy, eating so so so much,not focusing on things usually important me....

the wonder of my boyfriend dumping me after he is well is killing me. so far i am TRYING to work on myself in these ways: started al-anon, going to church regularly, reading the Bible, seeing a therapist 2x a month, and finally attending a co-dependent support group. all this and i still feel lousy. i hope and pray to God that its just still early and i will continue to recover myself. i LOVE the advice to say ME when i am focusing on him. great great stuff.

you guys are awesome. thanks for your tips/advice/sharing. so much appreciate.

yvonne

Ann

Good for you for hitting the meetings. It's the best gift you will ever give yourself.

And the crowd roars...




Big Hugs because I am sooo proud of you.

kuljey

Finally talked to the BF from treatment. He said that i caused him to relapse. He said that even though i didnt make him do what he did he could have stopped the relationship and gotten out of it before it caused him to relapse. Im so confused, i thought uh hummm the 3 C's yvonne...dont listen. But now... im feeling guilty/confused..

hello-kitty

kuljey. I'm glad you remembered the three c's when he said that. Good for you. You cannot cause an addict to relapse anymore than you can cause an addict to stay clean. Don't fall for it sweetie. Just keep focusing on your own recovery. Until he accepts responsibility for his own behavior and stops trying to manipulate the people who love him, he's never be truly in recovery or ready for a relationship. ;-) I'm glad you keep coming here to post. Are you still going to alanon meetings and seeing the counselor?

kuljey

Yes, 2 al-anon meetings so far, codependent support group, and therapy..but now i feel like wow... its all ********...it was my darn fault!! Now i am upset, what are the 3 C's i couldnt remember them all when i was trying to reason with him. He truly believes that if he would have "left me" he wouldnt have lost his home, job, relapsed.

hello-kitty

You are being facetious, right. You don't believe this. Maybe you expected him to stop blaming you for his problems or something when he got into recovery. Maybe you expected him to grow up a little and become a responsible man. But you can't control him.

You don't have to walk around feeling guilty for someone elses poor life choices unless you choose to. It's your choice.

In his world you are responsible for everything he does, every mistake he makes. He blames you for all his problems. Nice guy. Doesn't sound like he's really found recovery yet to me. Sounds like he's still looking for someone to blame instead of realizing the drugs he took were to blame.

Anvil is right. Do you really have time for someone like that in your life? If yes, then the next question would be why??

hello-kitty

Were you shoving drugs in his face, stealing his house payment, tying him up so he couldn't go to work or something? I don't get it...

And if it's all your fault and he knows it, then why is he still in contact with you?

winnie12

I was reading through your older posts. "He told me in the past if i was to gain weight he couldnt be with me." What???? What a jerk! I have a real problem with guys like that. He has put so much pressure on you - not only do you have to be perfect and look perfect for him you have to take the blame for everything he does wrong - goodness you cant win. You sound like such a sweet person and are working so hard to better yourself in the really important areas - you dont deserve for someone to blame their problems and place such superficial restrictions on you.

Nothing is your fault - nothing. His problems are entirely his fault - his relapse is entirely his fault. Also please remember that there are lots of men out there who adore volumptious women and find them much more attractive then skinny women. Right now you are focusing on the important things. Your body is the one that God gave you and it is beautiful no matter what size jeans you put on.

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

okay yvonne, this is going to sound kind of harsh, but i have to say this:

your story reminds me SO MUCH of mine. my fiancee started using when he was a teen, pretty much ran the gambit as far as drug usage, went into several treatment centers over the years. a few years ago he went in for meth, mostly stuck to drinking and pot after that, then back to coke, then back to pills (taking them, snorting them...) when he was in treatment i missed him so much. he missed me too. he swore it was the drugs that made him act like that, made him not want to be intimate... etc. EVERYTHING was going to change when he got home.

i won't continue to bore you with our life story, but i will tell you this.
your tone makes me believe that your "focus on recovery" is more your way of trying to insure that he's healed when he comes home.
you are educating yourself on everything you "should be" educating yourself on.
you're going to the meetings youre "supposed to" go to and talking to the people you're supposed to talk to.
I get the feeling that you are doing everything you can to make sure that you know exactly what to do when he get's home.

I feel like you might be trying too hard. Like maybe this is your way of saying "hey, look at me, look at how well i'm handling this. he'll never leave me now!"

I know that it sounds like i'm being mean, and that's really truly NOT my intention, but i think I feel like you do sometimes. I think maybe you feel like it's your job as the partner of an addict seeking recovery to throw your whole self into recovery too. And if you don't then it will be your fault if the relationship fails.

The reason I am mentioning this is that from the way it sounds, he's not really ready to admit himself to recovery yet and he is going to lean on you and use you all that he can, even clean.

Maybe I'm wrong, after all, how much can you tell about someone from a 4 paragraph written description of their life? but I read your other post too, and I got the same impression, that you want SOO badly for this relationship to work that you are more depressed over the fact that he might leave you than you are over the fact that he is using and betrayed you. and that you feel like the only thing wrong with him was his drug usage, and once he gets clean, you won't be good enough for him.

I guess what I'm saying is, please open your mind. Don't just accept everything that you hear in Nar-Anon and therapy. Challenge it, and think for yourself.


Oh, and one more thing... when you say you're "working on myself" you are truly working.
It doesn't need to be all work. You NEED some time to enjoy yourself and do things that you like to do, just as much or more than you need to read a chapter in your book or post on here or talk to a therapist. It's really easy to get burnt out when your thinking about the same thing all of the time!

winnie12

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7 - Respectfully - I have to challange this a bit. I started my own recovery to be a better mom and to help my son but in the process learned something totally different which was how to detach and help myself. I dont necessarily think the reasons behind doing these things matter because she is still going to learn a lot of necessary tools to get through this. You may go get a physical because its required by some situation in your life but if you find out during it you have high cholestrial and learn the tools to control it - you're still better off. She is learning right now so motives may be a bit premature. Yvonne I say this because I dont want to see you stop doing these things becuase no matter what your final decisions are you're going to be better prepared.

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

you're exactly right, i don't want to see her stop doing these things either. I just want her to understand that she needs to go into this with an open mind. and think about what she learns and how it applies to her.
I may be wrong about what I said. I just see a lot of myself in her posts.

Serenity Bound

Yvonne, You are doing all the right things to take care of yourself. Keep it up. DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT let your bf make you feel that is was your fault. It most certainly was NOT. Addicts are very self-serving, they never admit that it was their fault.

Please remember the 3 c's and continue to work on yourself.......for yourself......you'll be amazed how much better your life can be.

Hugs,
Chris

kuljey

hello-kitty, i was sort of being facitious.... i know......... pretty stupid....

kuljey

thank you for your compliment. i do think i am sweet, to sweet...thats one thing i am codependent. anyhoooo... i used to be obese and had gastric bypass surgery. he told me he would have never given me the time of day if he would have known me then!

kuljey

you are probably right!!!! oh man, you put it into words i think... how sad huh. i will have to think about it more, but at first reading it sounds about right.