Tina114

Hi all, would appreciate a response if you can identify with me and would truly love a response from any one on the ACOA forum.
My sons are adults now, 25 and 32, i told them how sorry i was for them having to go through all the years of this disfunction, with what happened two weeks ago i could see that this was their rock bottom, they had enough. I do feel guilty because i had a lot of time in Alanon through the years i should have used the tools better than i did instead i involved them in everything, i wanted them to know how bad a person their Father was and YES i wanted them to take my side, i was the victim and i honestly thought that they could not feel like i did, they were tougher and had their own lives and i convinced myself that i had let go of them. Oh God, when i look back on it all and realise the damage i did myself, i don't know why i kept forcing my will on them as they understood their Father was sick but I wanted them to think he was a bad person and he was deliberately doing these things on me. My oldest son cut the cord himself some years back but he always told me that even if he went to Mars he would never get away from the problem. He moved to another country and had to come back, he moved out to a flat and had to come back, last year he went to Australia, supposed to be for a year and came back after three months. One area of his life is very sucessful his work, this is where he has all his confidence, but as we know too well it's in relationships that he fails, he has decided to go for counselling, THANK GOD FOR THIS.
He is TOO NICE, will not offend anyone and is a people pleaser, it hurts so much that i know i can not fix him or my other son, he is simular but can get angry and have outbursts.
I know had i surendered fully to the twelve steps our lives would have been better, instead i spent all my time trying to change this man and not me. They do not blame me, but i do and i think i am eaten up with guilt and resentment and i have a lot of work to do on myself, in doing this and putting all my energy into improving myself i hope they will one day be proud of ME because i certainly am so so proud of them so today i had to tell them i am so so very sorry from the bottom of my heart.
I really need the courage to change. I had to do this for me today.
Thank you for listening.
Sincerely,
Tina.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Tina.

Admitting that you have a part in the way things have been going wrong is the first step on the road to changing that. Congratulations! You did good.

Hugs,
Smoke

journeygal

Tina,

I think what you did was awesome and very courageous. And I hope you don't sit around blaming yourself for what your kids went through. You did the best you could in a bad situation. Your kids will find their path and will eventually deal with their childhood in their own way.

I only wish I could have that kind of conversation with my own mom. Even though my dad is now sober, we still live in silence and bury all the bad stuff under the rug. Trust me, opening up to your kids the way you did will help them tremendously down the road. You should be very proud of yourself.

Take care and hugs,
JG

Tina114

Thank you Smoke, and JG for your reply. It's a little confusing JG, i can talk about our problems to my sons, they know where they are coming from, i'm not saying they fully understand the disease of Alcoholism even though they were in the situation from day one, but i could not talk in dept to my Mother, we side tracked all the time and like you everything was buried, i come from a broken home it happened when i was 12, no Alcoholism, i think they were not suited, and because of us leaving the home Father never wanted a relationship, very bitter, my brother and i tried everything with him but he was too sick and he died alone, a long story, sad, another situation i had to work on, maybe because of all this disfuntion i was better able to talk to my sons, like i said i did not all the time do it the sane way. My Mother passed away 5 years ago and do you know the one thing i regret not asking her was that did she ever love my Father, that is the one thing that stayed in my mind for a long time. Have you ever really tried to talk to her, maybe she can't open up, don't know how to.
Thank you again for careing, hope to see you around.
Big hugs to all.
Tina.

JT

Tina,

I went through a very dark period where I felt nothing but guilt. It is a strong emtion and something I have to work on everyday. Talking to your kids was the best thing you could do...good for you. Now it is time to continue making those ammends through changed behavior.

When I talk about my alcoholic son I say actions speak louder than words...show me, don't tell me. Well that is true for myself as well. I had to back up my apologies with changed behavior.

Good luck!
JT

Tina114

Thanks JT, i understand when you say show me don't tell me.
My eldest son keeps telling me to get a life for myself and get out of the swamp of codependency, go back to work even part time, do things for myself. I suppose they can see much more than i.
I need so much to change, i'm praying for courage to do this.
Thank you again,
Hugs,
Tina.