what to expect after rehab

Old 01-07-2009, 05:19 PM
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what to expect after rehab

Hi all,
I haven't posted for a long time, although I have come here regularly to read stories and get strength at times when I was low. This site truly rocks....
Anyway, long story cut short, after 9 years of marriage to my AH, I left with my 2 boys (now aged 7 and 3) because I was truly going insane and I was sick to death of being mentally and psychologically manipulated and abused.
This past year has been a hell of a roller coster as my AH becomes very nasty when he doesn't get his way and routinely uses the children as "tools" to get what he wants. However, after intensive therapy with a great psychologist, I finally managed to detach with love and not fall into my AH's games of manipulation. The result of my new attitude has been a slide into full blown alcoholic binges for my AH, and then early december, his determination to check into rehab when he has now been for the past 5 days. Before he went in, he asked me if he could come to stay at my place after his discharge (here rehab only lasts for 10 days at most), as, in his own words, he would not be able to maintain sobriety without being surrounded by me and the kids. I tried to explain to him that I did not feel strong enough to deal with this, especially, without knowing "who" he would be without alcohol and cannabis. He apparently dismissed this as I learnt yesterday from his dad that I had agreed to this deal!
Truth is, I really don't see how I would manage having him back in my house, knowing that we do not have any family support here, that my social network is very very poor (thanks to the years of living to an alcoholic), I have a very demanding full time job, and the children's welfare is 100% depended on me at this stage. I am scared to death that I have zero reseources within me to cope with him after rehab, yet at the same time, I am also scared of his reaction if I deny him a chance to rebuild our life.
Another thing that worries me: he has kept few bottles of his homebrew beer in the cellar and bags of cannabis in his fridge which he refuses to get rid of. His dad says that I shouldn't worry about this as it is just his "security blanket". My own take on this is that at the first argument with me, he will be straight back into the cannabis if he has such an easy access to it.
What do you guys think about all this? How can I handle this? I have just made a phone call to his psychiatrist from rehab as my husband signed a disclosure agreement to allow me to get updates on how he is doing while in rehab....
Thanks for the support
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Old 01-07-2009, 05:28 PM
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I have a terrific idea. If his dad thinks that having alcohol and marijuana around as a "security blanket" is an okay thing, and his dad is assuming that he's going to come live with you even though you haven't agreed to it, I suggest that he go live with his dad when he gets out of rehab.

as, in his own words, he would not be able to maintain sobriety without being surrounded by me and the kids.
You asked for opinions, lucy, and so here's mine: If you dont' want to do this, if you're not 100% sure that it fits your plan for your own happiness and that of your kids, if you don't feel strong enough to deal with a load of stress and pressure TEN TIMES what you're suffering now, then contact him immediately and make it clear to him he HAS to make other plans, that it's not going to work for you and the kids. If his dad has designated himself as your go-between, then tell him that way, but make it clear.

That kind of candor might take all the strength you have, but if he's relying on you to help him stay sober, coming into your sactuary without your permission, once again assuming that this is all about him and that your needs & wishes don't matter, then you may be in for a world of pain by not putting your foot down now.

Ten days of inpatient rehab (no offense to those who've gone through it) doesn't mean anything in terms of whether you can count on him to stay sober once he's forced his way back into your life again. There are people here who have welcomed home their A after months and months, just to see them start drinking again almost immediately.

And as you know, YOU are our primary concern here on this particular board Wishing him luck with his sobriety, but wishing YOU self protection in this situation.
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Old 01-07-2009, 05:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Lucy06 View Post
Truth is, I really don't see how I would manage having him back in my house.......
I am also scared of his reaction if I deny him a chance to rebuild our life.
Sheltering him and providing support after all the nonsense: NOT YOUR JOB.
If you don't think that you'll be able to manage 1.) the children 2.) the household 3.) the job 4.) his neediness
I'd say, opt out of the one aspect on that list that's an option.

He probably won't react well.
My AH did not react well.
But he's still living, breathing, and (occasionally) drinking - which seems like what he wanted to do all along.
He's OK.
I'm better than I've ever been.

Keep us posted.
_TC
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Old 01-07-2009, 05:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Lucy06 View Post
Before he went in, he asked me if he could come to stay at my place after his discharge (here rehab only lasts for 10 days at most), as, in his own words, he would not be able to maintain sobriety without being surrounded by me and the kids. I tried to explain to him that I did not feel strong enough to deal with this, especially, without knowing "who" he would be without alcohol and cannabis. He apparently dismissed this as I learnt yesterday from his dad that I had agreed to this deal!
If you do not want him moving back in, say No. THat is a complete sentence BTW.

What he might need and want is his concern. There are undoubtedly places he can go and the rehab palce will help him arrange to go to them. Or if his dad thinks living with him would be so great, let him move in with his dad.

Your primary concern is yourself and your children. Take care of you and those kids as you think best regardless of what anyone else tells you.
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Old 01-07-2009, 05:34 PM
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10 days is not rehab. Detox maybe but not rehab. So I question what he is doing.

As far as him living with you, to quote Nancy Reagan - and I hate doing that - "Just say no". No explanations, rationalizations or justifictions needed.
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Old 01-07-2009, 05:46 PM
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Thanks so much for your replies! I really need this strength right now. As an aside, he can't move with his dad because both his parents live 1000 miles from us. His dad came here for a couple of weeks (he cleaned AH's house which had become a disgusting mess) and even though he is a priest and apparently a trained councellour, what he says about the stash of cannabis and beer bottles makes me wonder whether he truly understand the manipulation that AH uses as a routine.

I suppose my remaining dilemna are:
1- I am still feeling guilty of wanting to look after myself. After years of being told that I was a selfish person, that things always had to be done according to me and my agenda etc etc, I am still struggling to recognise the result of the abuse as it is.
2- My AH is a nasty piece of work when he doesn't get his ways. My denial of him coming to stay with me will result without any doubt in a huge battle and I am still recovering from the aftermath of the past 2 years of hell. I want PEACE. I need PEACE.

Plus, with our great mental health system here in Australia, I have exhausted all my allowed psychologist meetings and if I need another appointment, if will cost me 150$ a visit....
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Old 01-07-2009, 05:58 PM
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From GL: I suggest that he go live with his dad when he gets out of rehab

DITTO. DITTO. DITTO.

from B-52: say No. THat is a complete sentence BTW.

DITTO. DITTO. DITTO.

(((Lucy06)))

Do they have referals for sober-living facilities for your AH? It's really not your problem. And if he is serious about sobriety and recovery he can do it surrounded by a family of dolphins or hedgehogs or palm trees (or ideally, AA members!!!). HIS recovery is not YOUR burden to carry.

Sending you a blast of courage and strength. Do the thing that is right for YOU and your kids!!
Peace-
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Old 01-07-2009, 06:04 PM
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Sober for a few days is not RECOVERY. This takes months and months of work and change through working a program, having a sponsor, etc.

You don't need to backslide and unsettle yourself or your kids.

way down the road when and if he is recovered maybe then you could begin to rebuild a relationship. I'd tell him to go get his life in order. Don't let him Play you. Stay strong
in having the life you want.
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Old 01-07-2009, 06:07 PM
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Thanks Bernadette.

Why do I feel so bad about saying that I don't think I can cope with him in recovery? I used to go to Alanon's meetings and to be honest, I felt even worse after these because all the group members were sticking by their AS, supporting them all the way and I feel that I don't have the strength to do this again. Up until I left, I would have supported him but I feel like something has been broken, mostly trust and I can't repair it.
He has made promises so many times, broke them without any remorse, and now, for the first time he goes to detox/rehab, I can't trust him anymore and I don't want to get into his drama one more time, even if it may be THE time he gets sober....

I am feeling really bad about myself for opting out on this....
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Old 01-07-2009, 06:19 PM
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Do you think you can save him, Lucy? Telling yourself "I ought to be able to cope" does not make it so - maybe we can hold on to your Superwoman cape for you for now? (hugs)

Maybe you can't see an outsider's perspective: that you are being controlled by both your husband and your father, and this is NOT a good indicator of future success.

Just for perspective - there was not one member of my most recent Al-Anon group who was "standing by their husband." It may be a cultural thing (I'm in the U.S.), it may just be that once people there leave and move on they no longer think they need Al-Anon, anything.

Sometimes the right thing to do isn't easy.
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Old 01-07-2009, 06:35 PM
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I am feeling really bad about myself for opting out on this....

Well OK, it's OK to feel bad. But you don't have to let THAT feeling be the guiding feeling for your choices/behaviors. You feel bad because you're a human being!

I mean how much WORSE will you feel going against your own VERY SOUND judgement and making yourself miserable and putting your kids on a merry-go-round of dysfunction?

I think just like alcoholics get cravings and people further along in recovery try to reassure them that a craving WILL pass - this feeling you're having is a classic codie response - it takes a long time to not ask "How High?" when the alcoholic says "Jump!"

I mean, seriously when I look at all the crazy sh*t I did for my brothers, at how far I put myself "out," emotionally, financially, physically - and at how all I ever did by that was hurt myself - it was total insanity. Now I really recognize "sane & rational" and I keep my compass pointed in that direction!!!

I found that each time I said No to something I didn't want to do I got stronger. Yeah, sometimes I felt like doo doo for a day - a week- whatever- but then, always I felt stronger.

It's like a muscle you just haven't exercised it much and so its gonna hurt a bit.

Easy does it.
Peace-
B.
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Old 01-07-2009, 06:47 PM
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All your replies help me to gather my strength. The difference between how I feel now and 2 years ago is that I do see through the manipulation, emotional abuse. I see it, yet, part of me is conditioned to still feel it's my fault.
And I keep wondering: why do I need to explain myself to my AH, or his father? Why do I need to tell them why I can't allow him back in my life? I am past the phase where I wanted to control others' emotions, including other's feelings for me. It's not that. In the absolute, I don't care of they think I am selfish.

The sad truth is this: I live so far away from my own family (I am french and live in australia), that my AH and his family are the only "relatives" I have here. And if I become sick myself, I can't help but think:"who will support ME?" I feel so alone! That is what is holding me back in all this....
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Old 01-07-2009, 07:00 PM
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That is what is holding me back in all this....

If it's holding you back then take action.
What's your usual style of making friends?
Did you isolate yourself because of the alcoholism?

The past is gone. You are free in THIS moment!
peace-
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Old 01-07-2009, 07:17 PM
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Seriously, If they care about you and you need help. They will help you whether you take the A in or not.

Also, Consider going back to Al-anon. You will make friends and find support there. It doesn't matter if you didn't stay and they did. We all support one another regardless. You never know, they could be wishing they were as strong as you and and able to leave .

Try to build a support system though co-workers, other parents, etc. You need to take care of you.
His recovery is his alone. Being with or with out you and the kids won't change that.

And hey, if this is the time he recovers for good. Then he will understand why you did what you did.

Take care of you!!!! hugs!
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Old 01-07-2009, 07:50 PM
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Everything you say is so true. After all, it is all about self worth and this is what I have to work on. I have to trust my gut feelings more and right now, my gut feeling is that I am in a fragile state and cannot assume the responsability of AH's recovery. As it is, right now, his life choices are once again consuming my entire thoughts and this is not healthy.
All I can hope is that if he follows the process of rehab, he will understand that for once in his life, he has to take full responsability for what he has done, and in particular, understand that what he has done to me cannot be "undone" in just a few days. He has to let me recover at my own pace.
Does that sound reasonable to you?
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Old 01-07-2009, 07:56 PM
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Does that sound reasonable to you?

yes!
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Old 01-07-2009, 08:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Lucy06 View Post
Does that sound reasonable to you?
Very reasonable, Lucy.

Once, after venting on the phone for 1/2 an hour, a friend of mine said, "Mel, he's certainly taking care of himself - you'd be smart to take care of yourself, too."

Whoa.

What's in YOUR best interest? Your kids' best interest?
Do that.
You won't regret it.

-TC
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Old 01-07-2009, 08:04 PM
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Does that sound reasonable to you?
Oh yes. Now this is the voice of a woman who is taking care of herself and her children. Hugs to you, lucy, to get through this. He will squawk a bit, I'm sure, and it will be hard. Please keep checking back with us and let us know how you are?
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Old 01-07-2009, 08:16 PM
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Lucy,

Listen - I called to talk to my AH's counselor in rehab also, about him not coming home after rehab. I didn't get the support there I expected. This jerk put me on speakerphone then went on about how my AH was sitting there crying, devastated, etc. Then they whined about how he had no place to go, followed by silence while they waited for me to say, "Oh well, then he can come here.".

I was so mad I could have spit. I had told this counselor several times about the nasty letters I was getting from my AH in rehab, they totally disregarded me.

Anyway, I just wanted to warn you, that you might not get any support from that area and to be prepared for it. Stick to your gut feeling on this Lucy, he doesn't need to be disrupting your and the kids lives at this point...no way, no how.
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Old 01-07-2009, 09:16 PM
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L6, I was the AH, destroyed a beautiful marriage and hurt the one who truly loved me. We were divorced for over 5 yrs. we are now together again, recovery will work if worked. It took that time apart to bring us back together. For some, or most, that is not the case. We were blessed. I am sober for over two yrs now. Just want to offer this from the AA "Big Book", "Let no alcoholic say he cannot recover unless he has his family back. This just isn't so.In some cases the wife will never come back for one reason or another. Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people"........."Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that trust in God and clean house."
If he resists giving up his weed and home-brew, his head is not in recovery. He will probably need to suffer some more, then, maybe.........
And by the way, you are responsible for you and to your children, no one else.
Oh yes.....It's not your fault!!!!
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