XABF back with OW again
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
XABF back with OW again
I kind of figured it would happen.
The OW he was with for a month, and left, to come back to me, is now being his friend b/c "he is in a toxic relationship", and she is helping him get out of it. Apparently she is not aware that I had been the one to ask him to leave. Her and I had lengthy discussions about Chris, and I just can't understand how all of a sudden I am the bad guy in her eyes. She says she doesn't want to be with him, just his friend (which I have trouble believing, they were dating for one month...are they THAT good of friends?)
And the reason he called me was b/c they were having problems, she told me herself that he didn't give her one dime when they were living there, that he was an alcoholic.
I guess he has fooled her again. Guess I can't say too much, right? He has done it to me for almost 4 years.
I feel like my world is blurry right now, I'm sitting here crying. I'm hurt, angry, and I feel stupid. I can't believe I fell for his crap again, and now he is talking to her and she is helping him out of the toxic relationship? Unreal.
An alcoholic and drug addict, and how does he come out the good guy?
I called and talked to him to ask him to stay away from my son (which is a whole nother story in itself), and he is so cocky, acting like he is just fine right now.
I am so sick of hurting.
I sit here and think to myself, how I mean absolutely nothing to him. My heart hurts for a man that could care less if I died right now. Makes me want to curl up in a bawl and go to sleep for weeks on end. When he came back to me it was all about how special our love was...********, every bit of it.
The OW he was with for a month, and left, to come back to me, is now being his friend b/c "he is in a toxic relationship", and she is helping him get out of it. Apparently she is not aware that I had been the one to ask him to leave. Her and I had lengthy discussions about Chris, and I just can't understand how all of a sudden I am the bad guy in her eyes. She says she doesn't want to be with him, just his friend (which I have trouble believing, they were dating for one month...are they THAT good of friends?)
And the reason he called me was b/c they were having problems, she told me herself that he didn't give her one dime when they were living there, that he was an alcoholic.
I guess he has fooled her again. Guess I can't say too much, right? He has done it to me for almost 4 years.
I feel like my world is blurry right now, I'm sitting here crying. I'm hurt, angry, and I feel stupid. I can't believe I fell for his crap again, and now he is talking to her and she is helping him out of the toxic relationship? Unreal.
An alcoholic and drug addict, and how does he come out the good guy?
I called and talked to him to ask him to stay away from my son (which is a whole nother story in itself), and he is so cocky, acting like he is just fine right now.
I am so sick of hurting.
I sit here and think to myself, how I mean absolutely nothing to him. My heart hurts for a man that could care less if I died right now. Makes me want to curl up in a bawl and go to sleep for weeks on end. When he came back to me it was all about how special our love was...********, every bit of it.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,697
Originally Posted by Soconfused11 
I sit here and think to myself, how I mean absolutely nothing to him. My heart hurts for a man that could care less if I died right now. Makes me want to curl up in a bawl and go to sleep for weeks on end. When he came back to me it was all about how special our love was...b@llsh*t, every bit of it.
Your worth is independent of his ability to recognize it.
Really. Really.
Love,
TC
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
TC talks alot of sense. Sorry you are hurting, remember that his behaviour is nothing to do with you, nor are the lies he tells to anyone else. You know the truth, you and your boy are all that really matters. ((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
lord have mercy.....the things that make sense to an alcoholic are just mind boggling.
they actually get us to thinking they may be right in their way of thinking.
mine tried it many time, and i fell for it many times until i had a moment of clarity and said.....no more.....this is just plain crazy.
they actually get us to thinking they may be right in their way of thinking.
mine tried it many time, and i fell for it many times until i had a moment of clarity and said.....no more.....this is just plain crazy.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Aw sweetie I am so sorry for your pain. I hope you can just find a way to think about something much more important namely you and your child.
I have heard this same story so many times I have been through it myself. Hang with us for a while and read and post it really helps. You don't deserve this.(((((((((BIGHUG))))))))) Take good care of yourself!!!!!
I have heard this same story so many times I have been through it myself. Hang with us for a while and read and post it really helps. You don't deserve this.(((((((((BIGHUG))))))))) Take good care of yourself!!!!!
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
I see him turning the tables on you SoConfused.
not long ago you posted that you were telling him to move out because of his return to drinking and drugging.
You acted strong and new what was in your best interest.
So now because he has been thrown out, he has gone back to the only other enabler he has - the OW - and has fed her a load of BS regarding you to cover up the truth and to put him in favour with her. Like the true codie, she has sucked it up.
You were right to tell him to go - if anything, this behaviour he is displaying now confirms your decision was one that was right, well judged and positive.
Don't allow him to turn tables on you. Keep your resolve and strength, you know he's mixed up and has a lot of problems, that's why YOU told him to go.
So what if she doesn't understand that? Who is she to you? You know what he is like, you even said that ''I kind of figured it would happen''.
He is doing what an addict does, you saw the light and told him to go, take courage. You did the right thing.
Keep cutting your ties to him, if anyone is toxic right now, it is HIM not you.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
not long ago you posted that you were telling him to move out because of his return to drinking and drugging.
You acted strong and new what was in your best interest.
So now because he has been thrown out, he has gone back to the only other enabler he has - the OW - and has fed her a load of BS regarding you to cover up the truth and to put him in favour with her. Like the true codie, she has sucked it up.
You were right to tell him to go - if anything, this behaviour he is displaying now confirms your decision was one that was right, well judged and positive.
Don't allow him to turn tables on you. Keep your resolve and strength, you know he's mixed up and has a lot of problems, that's why YOU told him to go.
So what if she doesn't understand that? Who is she to you? You know what he is like, you even said that ''I kind of figured it would happen''.
He is doing what an addict does, you saw the light and told him to go, take courage. You did the right thing.
Keep cutting your ties to him, if anyone is toxic right now, it is HIM not you.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Thanks for the wonderful support, everyone. :ghug
Well of course, it's in my codie nature to care what other people think of me, I want to please people.
And I know what I have to do...and I have done it before. I have to shift the focus to Ryan and I, pull through this, and keep going forward, one step at a time. And Lily, I do know that I did the right thing. I did it for a reason...b/c I have already done things the other way (no boundaries) and I know the outcome of that.
What scares me, is if history repeats itself....and Chris has established quite a pattern for himself (and I have, too), he is going to call me again, eventually. Either as soon as he figures out she really won't take him back, or they get back together and start having issues again. I HAVE to be strong, I want a better life, and I want him out of mine. But I scare myself, I don't trust myself.......I thought I was so strong last time, I thought I was done and would NEVER allow myself to be with him again. I messed up. I lost all senses. I am so angry with myself for doing it. I knew better. I had friends and SR point it out to me...Don't do this, don't do it....and I ignored what I knew was best, it's like he hypnotized me or something, it's scary to me.
I'm calling around to try and find a psychiatrist that takes my insurance today, now that I can think a little more clearly.
Renee, his ex-wife wound up in a psych. hospital when she was with Chris, twice. I don't want to be next, and honestly, I feel like I'm about there. My stomach is completely messed up. I can't eat, and when I try everything goes right through me (sorry, probably way too much information there), I am breaking out in hives, and I have to take Advil PM to sleep. I think stupid things like, heck, maybe I should switch to drinking/drugs....he seems to be better off than me!
I do know what she will get, especially knowing he is back to drugs. And also him telling me when he was with her, he wasn't happy, that's why he got drunk every day when he was with her.....he's just using her (as he was me, only he had done it for longer and was more used to "using" me). That when he goes to sleep at night, and wakes up in the morning, I am on his mind. Even if just for a second, before he takes the first drink or first hit...he thinks of me. His money will run out. Sooner or later, he will have to deal with this. And I just hope and pray, that this time, I can do this.
This woman told Chris (after Chris and I got back together), that she would have stood beside him through the drinking, that she had stood beside a man that was physically abusive to her, but that he would have to be without me for awhile. Apparently, she thinks she can help him get over me. I guess I thought I was that powerful, too. But that's not possible, right? I mean this guy does not want to change, he's just going to manipulate her.
Well of course, it's in my codie nature to care what other people think of me, I want to please people.
And I know what I have to do...and I have done it before. I have to shift the focus to Ryan and I, pull through this, and keep going forward, one step at a time. And Lily, I do know that I did the right thing. I did it for a reason...b/c I have already done things the other way (no boundaries) and I know the outcome of that.
What scares me, is if history repeats itself....and Chris has established quite a pattern for himself (and I have, too), he is going to call me again, eventually. Either as soon as he figures out she really won't take him back, or they get back together and start having issues again. I HAVE to be strong, I want a better life, and I want him out of mine. But I scare myself, I don't trust myself.......I thought I was so strong last time, I thought I was done and would NEVER allow myself to be with him again. I messed up. I lost all senses. I am so angry with myself for doing it. I knew better. I had friends and SR point it out to me...Don't do this, don't do it....and I ignored what I knew was best, it's like he hypnotized me or something, it's scary to me.
I'm calling around to try and find a psychiatrist that takes my insurance today, now that I can think a little more clearly.
Renee, his ex-wife wound up in a psych. hospital when she was with Chris, twice. I don't want to be next, and honestly, I feel like I'm about there. My stomach is completely messed up. I can't eat, and when I try everything goes right through me (sorry, probably way too much information there), I am breaking out in hives, and I have to take Advil PM to sleep. I think stupid things like, heck, maybe I should switch to drinking/drugs....he seems to be better off than me!
I do know what she will get, especially knowing he is back to drugs. And also him telling me when he was with her, he wasn't happy, that's why he got drunk every day when he was with her.....he's just using her (as he was me, only he had done it for longer and was more used to "using" me). That when he goes to sleep at night, and wakes up in the morning, I am on his mind. Even if just for a second, before he takes the first drink or first hit...he thinks of me. His money will run out. Sooner or later, he will have to deal with this. And I just hope and pray, that this time, I can do this.
This woman told Chris (after Chris and I got back together), that she would have stood beside him through the drinking, that she had stood beside a man that was physically abusive to her, but that he would have to be without me for awhile. Apparently, she thinks she can help him get over me. I guess I thought I was that powerful, too. But that's not possible, right? I mean this guy does not want to change, he's just going to manipulate her.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by Soconfused11
...What scares me, is if history repeats itself....and Chris has established quite a pattern for himself (and I have, too), he is going to call me again, eventually. Either as soon as he figures out she really won't take him back, or they get back together and start having issues again. I HAVE to be strong, I want a better life, and I want him out of mine. But I scare myself, I don't trust myself.......I thought I was so strong last time, I thought I was done and would NEVER allow myself to be with him again. I messed up. I lost all senses. I am so angry with myself for doing it. I knew better. I had friends and SR point it out to me...Don't do this, don't do it....and I ignored what I knew was best, it's like he hypnotized me or something, it's scary to me..
Many of us have gone back and forth - I did myself. Each time I was wiser, it was slow progress but it WAS progress.
You could have easily slipped right back to the denial and fixing but you didn't! That to me says loud and clear that your recovery is working for you.
Delete his number, emails etc and hold to your no contact. The pattern will only break if you break it, and I believe you can.
Remember that nothing changes if nothing changes.
I hope you can find a therapist, when I saw one, it was such an aid to me, and such a strengthening experience.
Love to you and Ryan
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Thanks again, Lily....you know, you are right. Maybe I needed this last episode to have peace of mind in knowing....he really does not want to change.
I have thought of changing my number at home, but I can't change my work number. And I have his number memorized, believe me last night I thought, how can I make sure I don't let this happen again. And the last time he called me at work, he blocked out his number....I will just have to hang up if he calls next time.
I have thought of changing my number at home, but I can't change my work number. And I have his number memorized, believe me last night I thought, how can I make sure I don't let this happen again. And the last time he called me at work, he blocked out his number....I will just have to hang up if he calls next time.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Barbara,
A friend of mine works in the tech. dept. here, and I did ask her yesterday if I can block numbers from calling and she said that costs $$. The problem with changing my number is that it affects a lot of people, my number is published in books/pamplets/newsletters.
For that month, I was good about not answering, and hanging up if I did accidentally answer. But for some reason, that day, it got to me. I lost my senses.
A friend of mine works in the tech. dept. here, and I did ask her yesterday if I can block numbers from calling and she said that costs $$. The problem with changing my number is that it affects a lot of people, my number is published in books/pamplets/newsletters.
For that month, I was good about not answering, and hanging up if I did accidentally answer. But for some reason, that day, it got to me. I lost my senses.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'm calling around to try and find a psychiatrist that takes my insurance today, now that I can think a little more clearly.
,I have to tell you that this -- finding a counselor to talk things through with -- was the single most healing thing I ever did for myself. If you'd met me before and after working for a bit with a therapist, you would not believe it was the same person. There is something about working with a healing professional to get at the strange hurtful behaviors inside of us --- it can really open up your life to something totally new.
I wish you luck finding someone who can bring forth a new you who doesn't have to suffer this indignity any more.
GL
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((Soco))) You can do this- you can. I am doing it- and I did much of the same things you've been doing- each "relapse" I had brought me more realizations. It seems like they were meant to be as a way to remind myself of what I needed to do. Be gentle with yourself. You are not stupid. You want to believe the best in people- it's a wonderful thing, but doesn't work very well when you are dealing with people who are actively drinking/drugging. Protect yourself and Ryan. Gather up your strength and get healthy for you- it can only benefit Ryan if you are sleeping well, eating well, exercising and doing the hard work you need to (counseling) to get healthy mentally.
I am all for counseling. Mine has been through a lot with me, and it's amazing how great one hour with her can be. Each session carries me through the week until I go again. It's healthy people like that who can pull you along and help you get on your feet.
I also recommend blocking his (and OW's) calls. Not engaging has been the only way I could get myself through many incidents where I may have gotten sucked back into the bs. It's not worth it. It's exhausting and counter-productive. Just this week a friend compared STBXAH's addiction to alcohol to my "addiction" to STBXAH. It was an aha moment for me. I need to quit him cold turkey. We've been apoart for 16 months now, but it has been the mental stuff that's been getting me down- the anger, the whys, the what ifs, the obsessing. . . If I can just work on myself today, focus just on me and dd, I can enjoy what I have in front of me. If I begin to let STBXAH creep back into my brain- I get all muddled up. It's a slow process of doing little things day by day, talking to the right people, taking a walk, getting more sleep, etc., to get on a healthier track. I believe you can do it- progress- not perfection. Right?!
I am all for counseling. Mine has been through a lot with me, and it's amazing how great one hour with her can be. Each session carries me through the week until I go again. It's healthy people like that who can pull you along and help you get on your feet.
I also recommend blocking his (and OW's) calls. Not engaging has been the only way I could get myself through many incidents where I may have gotten sucked back into the bs. It's not worth it. It's exhausting and counter-productive. Just this week a friend compared STBXAH's addiction to alcohol to my "addiction" to STBXAH. It was an aha moment for me. I need to quit him cold turkey. We've been apoart for 16 months now, but it has been the mental stuff that's been getting me down- the anger, the whys, the what ifs, the obsessing. . . If I can just work on myself today, focus just on me and dd, I can enjoy what I have in front of me. If I begin to let STBXAH creep back into my brain- I get all muddled up. It's a slow process of doing little things day by day, talking to the right people, taking a walk, getting more sleep, etc., to get on a healthier track. I believe you can do it- progress- not perfection. Right?!
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