boundary broken
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
boundary broken
Tomorrow I am making arrangements to separate from my husband. It isn't that I reached my bottom tonight. I reached my bottom 3 and a half years ago when I was tolerating the early patterns of physical abuse - pushing and shoving. I got into counselling, he pulled right back from the drinking but never quite gave up. From that time on I started freeing myself of his controlling behaviour, stopped the enabling, started detaching.
Because he was still drinking, he started a slow slide downhill and the verbal and emotional abuse were back - it took him a while but the abusive behaviour came back. 2 months ago I told him I was leaving him and it scared him sober. But people who have read my posts know that he still wanted to drink 'socially'. I can't control him so I said fine but the boundary was no alcohol in the home and I don't want to see him drunk.
Tonight that boundary was broken. He came home reeking of bourbon. I asked him if he could stay at a hotel. He didn't feel he needed to and came right in to the house. I didn't argue. He was controlled but I know him and I know he was drunk. Other times this past month he has come home from the pub and I have known he was sober. This time I know he was drunk. I am not going to argue about definitions with him tomorrow. He had agreed to the boundary. An alcoholic who wants to get better but who still drinks is playing Russian Roulette. Maybe this time he can drink a couple and stop but the next time he will drink that bit more.
I'm not going through another cycle with him. I am leaving. Do I need to leave tomorrow? No. He has not been violent since that period 3 and a half years ago. He is high functioning and has basically been sober for 2 months so I strongly doubt tomorrow he will go beserk. I will take my time and baby step through this but trust me, I will leave. Tomorrow I will get legal advice, and start looking for accomodation.
I am sure this is the right time for me to leave because I have reached a point where I see him not as an abuser and myself as the victim. He is a human being who has been damaged in a similar manner to myself. We just fulfil different roles in the alcoholic/co-dependant relationship. The difference is that I have sought recovery and he hasn't yet. Just because I have compassion for him doesn't mean I have to tolerate the drinking.
Because he was still drinking, he started a slow slide downhill and the verbal and emotional abuse were back - it took him a while but the abusive behaviour came back. 2 months ago I told him I was leaving him and it scared him sober. But people who have read my posts know that he still wanted to drink 'socially'. I can't control him so I said fine but the boundary was no alcohol in the home and I don't want to see him drunk.
Tonight that boundary was broken. He came home reeking of bourbon. I asked him if he could stay at a hotel. He didn't feel he needed to and came right in to the house. I didn't argue. He was controlled but I know him and I know he was drunk. Other times this past month he has come home from the pub and I have known he was sober. This time I know he was drunk. I am not going to argue about definitions with him tomorrow. He had agreed to the boundary. An alcoholic who wants to get better but who still drinks is playing Russian Roulette. Maybe this time he can drink a couple and stop but the next time he will drink that bit more.
I'm not going through another cycle with him. I am leaving. Do I need to leave tomorrow? No. He has not been violent since that period 3 and a half years ago. He is high functioning and has basically been sober for 2 months so I strongly doubt tomorrow he will go beserk. I will take my time and baby step through this but trust me, I will leave. Tomorrow I will get legal advice, and start looking for accomodation.
I am sure this is the right time for me to leave because I have reached a point where I see him not as an abuser and myself as the victim. He is a human being who has been damaged in a similar manner to myself. We just fulfil different roles in the alcoholic/co-dependant relationship. The difference is that I have sought recovery and he hasn't yet. Just because I have compassion for him doesn't mean I have to tolerate the drinking.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
So much good recovery going on in this forum this morning -- people making calm, clear choices that are best for them. ICant, lean on us for the support you may need in this next step of your healing. We're here. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Congratulations and kudos to you for making your recovery your first priority. I have found that once I started doing this everything else started spiraling - upwards of course!
When I finally left my AH of 20+ years it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I'd left before but never for "me". Over the past few months I've discovered many things about me, some very good qualities and some not so great - those are the ones I'm working on!
I've also done my share of grieving and grieving it has been, the death of my marriage and the death of the man I married and loved. I still love him, the memory but not the man he is now. That was all a dream as A took it's toll on him and on me.
In your post you sound so strong and positive and I'm very happy for you. Keep reading and posting here on SR - we are here for you.
ICant is your on line name perhaps IMHO you should be changing it to I CAN, I WILL and I DID!
When I finally left my AH of 20+ years it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I'd left before but never for "me". Over the past few months I've discovered many things about me, some very good qualities and some not so great - those are the ones I'm working on!
I've also done my share of grieving and grieving it has been, the death of my marriage and the death of the man I married and loved. I still love him, the memory but not the man he is now. That was all a dream as A took it's toll on him and on me.
In your post you sound so strong and positive and I'm very happy for you. Keep reading and posting here on SR - we are here for you.
ICant is your on line name perhaps IMHO you should be changing it to I CAN, I WILL and I DID!
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by ICant 
Just because I have compassion for him doesn't mean I have to tolerate the drinking.
I love seeing people come to this realisation!
Blessings to you ICant, and lots of love to you as you go through this next step in your journey,
Like GL says, give us a post if you need the support,
Lots of love to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
I agree with Givelove- you sound very calm and focused which is a great thing. Throughout my time with STBXAH there were plenty of arguments that escalated in me telling him to leave or threatening to myself. Ugly. When he did leave 16 months ago I had found evidence he was having an emotional affair with a co-worker, so in a fit of rage I told him to get out- and that I wanted a divorce. He had announced he wanted to separate 3 weeks earlier but was dragging his feet on finding a place- so I sped up the process for him. Once things settled down, I pulled back from the drama and patiently took my time to think about whether divorce was really the answer. I read, went to counseling, talked it out with friends and family, started posting on this forum and did what I needed to do to get healthy enough to realize that I had to start living my life for me. It wasn't easy, but so worth the time it took instead of acting irrationally. Space is a good thing, and calmly doing what you need to do for yourself is a step in a healthy direction. Take care!
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Sending you good thoughts and LOTS of empathy, icant!
I've totally been there.
I was clear about my desire for a sober home/husband.
He understood my wants and agreed that they were reasonable.
He choose to violate the boundaries we had established together.
When my husband stumbled in blind drunk at 3am, I saw, with clear eyes, that he was sick man, incapable of giving me what I wanted.
I had to decide:
Do I change what I want so that I can stay with this man?
or
Do I leave this man so that I can have what I want?
I left, too.
Brace yourself, icant.
My husband was ANGRY at my decision to leave. I spent a lot of time in counseling, talking to my friends and family, and posting here to gain strength and resolve. I really feel like that quiet, introspective work helped me stick to my guns without turning into a burning ball of fury when dealing with his ranting and accusations and threats.
Today our interactions are helpful and civil. I love him - but I have to do so from a distance.
A new life is waiting, icant. It's a good one!
-TC
I've totally been there.
I was clear about my desire for a sober home/husband.
He understood my wants and agreed that they were reasonable.
He choose to violate the boundaries we had established together.
When my husband stumbled in blind drunk at 3am, I saw, with clear eyes, that he was sick man, incapable of giving me what I wanted.
I had to decide:
Do I change what I want so that I can stay with this man?
or
Do I leave this man so that I can have what I want?
I left, too.
Brace yourself, icant.
My husband was ANGRY at my decision to leave. I spent a lot of time in counseling, talking to my friends and family, and posting here to gain strength and resolve. I really feel like that quiet, introspective work helped me stick to my guns without turning into a burning ball of fury when dealing with his ranting and accusations and threats.
Today our interactions are helpful and civil. I love him - but I have to do so from a distance.
A new life is waiting, icant. It's a good one!
-TC
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 4
I truly admire your strength in this situation. I am dealing with an abusive boyfriend that is an alcoholic as well. Today was the first day I reached out for help.
You are so strong to be able to follow through with your word. It is so hard to not give another chance, but it really is the best thing for YOU. I really admire your decision, and I hope that soon I can find the strength within myself that you have. You are a role model and an inspiration to other people in this situation!
I wish you the best of luck!
You are so strong to be able to follow through with your word. It is so hard to not give another chance, but it really is the best thing for YOU. I really admire your decision, and I hope that soon I can find the strength within myself that you have. You are a role model and an inspiration to other people in this situation!
I wish you the best of luck!
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hey there Orchid! I hope you are ok? It is hard being in an abusive relationship, if you want to, open a thread to chat or pm one of the members.
Welcome and keep posting
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Welcome and keep posting
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
Thank you to all who replied. Today - I made an appointment with a solicitor to see what it all entails. I made an appointment to look at a flat. I told him what I was doing.
He admitted he was drunk last night. He said he will ring AA and go to the meetings but listening him make his excuses, it is obvious he still hasn't admitted that he is powerless over alcohol. In a previous post, I even predicted that he would have AA up his sleeve for such a time as this.
I hate this drama. I want to live a life of integrity and honesty. Let go and let God.
He admitted he was drunk last night. He said he will ring AA and go to the meetings but listening him make his excuses, it is obvious he still hasn't admitted that he is powerless over alcohol. In a previous post, I even predicted that he would have AA up his sleeve for such a time as this.
I hate this drama. I want to live a life of integrity and honesty. Let go and let God.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
