Hip mama

Ok I'm new here and have been reading these forums till my eyes burn and I'm too tired to think anymore. What a weath of information! But I have a situation I'm not really sure how to deal with right now. Perhaps time is all I need but I've been recoving for almost 2 years now and I feel I have reached a point in my life that I need to turn around take a good look back at what I may be leaving behind. So here is my story.
My ex-partner is an alchohlic. I lived with him for 3 years and things were good, but got progressivly worse. I am 27, he is 32.
We always had a good time, we have similar interests and beliefs, we make each other laugh, when he is sober. He was a happy drunk until he had that "one more beer" then instant ********!
Then as time passed he got verbally abusive. Although I never thought of leaving, I was happy and busy working and living on the farm. But things got worse when I got pregnant. We had talked about having a baby and we decided to go for it. I think the reality of it hit him one day that he was going to have to stop drinking and he slowly tried to drive me away. When the baby came what a happy day it was for me. She was born at 11 pm and he proptly went home and got drunk. I could smell it on him when he came to see us in the morning.
When our daughter was 6 weeks old I came to my breaking point. I had a new baby to look after and also a drunken mess of a partner. I don't know if he was celebrating or just trying to avoid reality?? I'm thinking the latter. So I left him with his beer and moved back to my home town. When he asked if I was comming back I said no! I had soooo much anger!! That was almost 2 years ago. Seems like yesterday when I talk about it.
So now this is what has been placed upon my table...and I'm having a hard time deciding what utensils to use. The carving knife or the spork??? About two weeks ago he came for a visit. And we had a huge talk, something we have both been avoiding all this time. I really laid it all out for him and it felt sooooo good! We were both calm cool and collected..no yelling..no swearing...no name calling. ( although we never did fight much, we just avoided) He told me he realizes how much he is missing out with our daughter's life and he wants to change. He says he also misses me and wants us to try and work things out. No he didn't stop drinking when I left. he actually avoided everything and even went so far as to recently (about5 months ago) find a new woman. He admitted that he was trying to fill my place. Did he hit his bottom?? Now he has told me he will start going to AA and he and his Gf are no longer an issue. I have yet to see the proof! part of the problem is that we live very far apart (about 7 hrs travel) it is hard for him to afford comming here very often and I can't afford to go anywhere at all! So I have no idea what is really going on over at his house and I'm not really sure if I can trust him again yet?
He is planning on comming for another visit in less than 2 weeks and I know we will be doing alot more talking. But I am not sure what direction to take. I know he will always be a part of my life because of our daughter, but do I really want to let him back into my heart? I know he has a long road ahead of him in recovery and I feel like I'd like to be there to support him. I still do care deeply about him and it hurts. I'm just not sure I have the strength alot of you have. It would be easy at this point to just walk away.

Jewel

Hi, Hip Mama, ( Welcome )

Welcome to SR, glad you found us, you will get lots of love understanding and support from the people here.

You said you have spent two years apart, I would suggest you take things slowly, you said you don't know if you can trust him, don't rush into anything. Give yourself time, it is good that you are talking and that he wants to go to AA. He will find a lot of help and support ther for his drinking problem. You take care of you and your little one, have you heard of Alanon support groups, for freinds and families of alcoholics, try to find out if there are any meetings in your area. You will find a lot of love and support there for yourself from people in the same situation, and it often works wonders when your partner is going to AA, because both of you will be working on you own issues, and your relationship is sure to improve as a result.

I wish you well there will be others along shortly who have a lot more wisdom than me and will give you their suggestions. Welcome again. Keep comomg back and Posting.

Be true to yourself.
Lots of Love

Jewel

corvettte_angel

Hey hun,

I agree with Jewel, move slowly. Get to know him again via phone and e-mail. People are capable of change, let him know that you believe that he can. Don't move back with him yet. That may be his next idea.

Do try to find some kind of support group. They will be there for you when all the decisions get harder. Ecourage his decision to go to AA. It will be a lot of help for both of you.

For now, give him some baby pictures and be an ecouragement to him. Don't let him back in yet.

Love you bunches.
--Ångel

EyesOpen

Don't sell yourself short! You've been taking care of your baby all by yourself. That takes strength, love, and courage!!!

I've learned that I got into such a mess with my A because I never asked the question "what am I getting out of the relationship?".

They are good at manipulation, guilt trips, and making us think they're giving us more than they really are.

If you're undecided about the future with him, feel free to ask "What's in it for me?" His feelings are irrelevant unless he's willing to act responsibly.

Gabe

I can tell you from experience that they all want their comfort zone back when it's gone. Whether they have been left or whether they are the ones that left. As for your question, which was "now what?" How about the rest of your life? And that would be a good life, that doesn't involve a partner whose volatile mood swings and drinking binges dominate your every waking moment. Sure he wants you back in his life. I bet you were the best thing that ever happened to him. Did he deserve you?
I saw a counselor after my husband took a hike on my son and I. He said something very simple, but very true. He said that alcoholics are usually very needy people. And that they tend to gravitate towards people who are caretaking by nature. That being the equation:
Alcoholic - Caretaker = I want back in your life.
You are the only one who can decide whether or not to let this person back in your life. All I can say is, be particular. Think very carefully about what your life is like now, and what your life will be like if you let him back in.
God bless, this is hard stuff to figure out. In the meantime, stick around. This is a good forum full of encouragement, strength and hope. There is also a more than sufficient dose of humor here that helps a lot of us make it through the tough moments.
Peace,
Gabe

myles1

Hi,

You've been taking care of yourself and your son for 2 years now without him do you really want him back in your life? He can still be a part of your sons life without being an intimate part of yours.
Are you sure he isn't trying to manipulate his way back in by using your son as the excuse?

Ngaire

Rose56

HipMama,
I agree with the group. Let him show you actions. Let him be in AA for a couple of YEARS and show you through his growth and his attitude. It is so hard, and we want to be so caring for everyone we let into our world. Take it from someone that is living in active alcoholism, you are better off without it. Don't take his word for it, make him show you positive actions. In the mean time, focus on your daughter as you have been before he came back to get you. I agree with Gabe, he just wants someone to take care of him. Good luck and keep truckin'.