nickishine

December led me straight into the bottle after almost having 30 days. Actually my addiction did. I don't know what happened, it happened so fast and before I knew it I was on a downhill spiral that led to a near overdose... twice. I had letters written of when I'm gone and my body was giving out. I woke up though. Hated waking up. Had to drink and drink to not feel or think but the thoughts kept coming.

Don't know how all this happened. Was working a ligit job, my massage business was taking off, presents were bought, Christmas was in the air and then I picked up and it was all over. Was able to maintain for a Christmas celebration on the 23rd and worked the next two days, then I was off and running, shutting my phones off, quitting my job and getting beligerent to the point of babbling. My heart feels an emptiness, no not really. It is filled with that tremendous feeling of failure, pain and horrific despair. This is my first day with no alcohol and the pills have been emptied.

I need help and don't know where to reach out except here for now. Please lend some support and understanding cuz I know most of you have been there.

Thank you!
Nickishine

mxchaos

I have these feelings quite often. My doc has helped me learn to deal with them and I'm on medication to help relieve them. Have you been to a doc?

Lots of support here so keep talking your not alone

least

I would suggest counseling. I'm on antidepressants and antianxiety meds and the meds and counseling help me a lot. See if you can get an addiction counselor - mine is very helpful to me, both in staying sober and in just dealing with living every day.

:ghug3

nickishine

I haven't seen my doc for quite a while. She did prescribe antabuse which works when you take it. She knows I'm an alkie and she's more into AA help then scripts. I'll call today and make an appt.

Thanks for the reply.

mxchaos

that's a really great start and just don't drink for today it won't help

August West

Niki the Hollidays are hard, and thoughts are like that. They can be painful and hurt, you can't change the past but you can change today and today will lead to tomorrow. . you did it before, you can get back on your path. All of my prayers to you!

Mark75

If your doc is more into AA than scripts, she sounds like a keeper! But if she knows about your relapse and the despair you are feeling, maybe there is a way for her to help...

My worst triggers and urges come after good days and success. Celebration!! Things are OK, guard down, you know... Don't beat yourself too badly. Learn from it. When I left rehab, I felt so good... For a microsecond my voice whispered to stop for a beer on the way home... LOL. And that's what I do with the celebratory triggers, I laugh out loud to myself, jeez, I mean, listen to that!!

Hang in there... How's the skiing out there? If you ski, maybe you should get a lift ticket, take your mind off, get some sun...

Mark

Astro

When I kept doing what I was doing, I kept getting what I was getting. I did the addiction dance for so many years with alcohol and still couldn't fathom why my relationships and life were such a mess. It became an endless cycle.

I understand perfectly. I avoided the thought of being an alcoholic and wouldn't dare consider AA meetings. But in the end I had to give myself over completely and open my mind to something I wasn't comfortable with. I found help in the rooms of AA.

Nicki, there's a solution and a way to end the insanity. Keep reaching out for help, find something that works for you. It doesn't have to be AA, it just has to keep you sober from one day to the next. And remember that no one's ever died from not taking another drink. It is possible to live an amazing life without a single drop of alcohol.

yeahgr8

Hi nickishine

You mentioned antabuse which is what i am taking (as well as antis for depression and anxiety), i got prescribed them 11 weeks ago and have been sober that time from drinking everyday. The antabuse creates a great barrier to having a drink when you have a craving (not that i have had a single one in the last 11 weeks, i dunno how as i could not give up for 1 day before but thats for a later date discussion maybe!).

I've also been going to counselling too twice a week, and now this year my counseller says i should only come once a week as i am doing really well, making plans etc. like you with your massage business.

Get some help, you dont have to do this cold turkey bollocks, whatever you need! Sounds to me like you are onto a winner and just need some help like i do/did!

One more thing i am going to go down to AA, just been enjoying the sobriety so much havent gone yet, so if you like replace the counselling with an AA meeting as i think this is a good idea to get support for the years to come and also as a weekly reminder of why we stopped in the first place...and come to SR of course!!!

nickishine

Astro, thank you! You're right about all of it esp. "no one dies from NOT taking a drink". I have been in and out of the rooms of AA. It took 4 1/2 years this last time to get back in and am going to a meeting tonight. The truth is, I WILL get better if I give time - time in sobriety!

I know all about the successes and celebration modes to drinking. That's almost 98% of what happens usually. I hope I find a "niche" to help when those successes come back!

It's a winterwonderland up here! Haven't snowboarded in a few years, but the thought will sound better when I get some of my strength back. I live 1 mile from Heavenly Ski Resort and it's a great place to live (after it snows).

Nicki

Eclipse

Hang in there. The holidays add so much stress to everything...that was my excuse. Focus on recovery and think about how great that snowboarding is in the fresh air and the exercise...that has to be better than drinking!!!!!:ghug3

Astro

Music to my ears

Although nothing can substitute for professional counseling or therapy, I like to think that AA is a pretty good deal. Where else can you get so much love and support by "putting a buck in the basket"?

Aysha

The holidays have always been a huge trigger for me. Not only from stress. And it's the "time for celebration." And with me ..I have alot of past memories from that time of year.
I usually go into autopilot too and end up self destructing before I even relize what is happening.
This was my first year not doing that. I still slipped...But I didnt go overboard. Thank God.
I wasnt on a death mission this time.
It seems like if we arent using to numb pain..we use to reward ourselves. Its so double standard. Any excuse to use.
At least it is like that with me.
Just pick yourself back up and dust yourself off and try again. Learn from it.

Lenina

I don't know if this will make sense but for me it always boiled down to my disease wanting to feed itself. Stress? Good times? Didn't matter, bottom line was the disease wanted to be fed. I had to learn to turn off the addictive voice.

Hope this helps.

Love,

Lenina

Tnydncr

hey! i know how you feel. please dont give up. try to think of all the things you should be grateful for. life has so much to offer. and if you keep waking up it wasnt meant for you to leave this earth yet. hang in there. i know how it feels to not be able to see the light at the end of a tunnel. but its there you just gotta look harder.

KenL

Hi Nicki,

You're right, we have been where you have found yourself. I too had a recent slip. I am back at it though with the determination I had when I began. I'm praying for you tonight so let me know if you feel better tomorrow. Remember that you have to make it through just this day.

Ken