cessy68

Oh boy guys, my computer battery is on it's last leg, and I finally did it.

Just when I'm going to hear / need support from my SR friends....

I told the abf to not come home tonight. Guess I act quickly-

He gave me an easy out. He stopped 'out' again tonight. I called and called his cell. Finally when he answered, he started with the "hi baby" thing.....

I called him back and asked that he go outside to hear me. (not optimal to do over the phone, but it was an opportune time)

I told him NOT to come home tonight..... he started quacking again, along with the come on baby thing. I told him that I know he is useing more than ever, drinking, and disrespecting me.

I told him that the doors would be locked, so as to find a bar room buddy to stay with tonight, and that I would leave his suitcases packed on the porch after I leave for work in the a.m.

I of course got alot of rebuttal, but stuck to my ground, saying that I am through with this life. I told him that he could kill himself with this lifestyle all by himself, and that I was not willing to sit by and watch him do it.

I also told him that he was showing me the ultimate in disrespect, and that I don't blame him for it at this point because up till now, IVE ALLOWED IT.

I said NO MORE. Not one minute more.

He finallhy said o.k. and hung up on me.

I cried like a baby, after we hung up. The pictures hanging on the wall... our beautiful night on new years, everything came rushing in.... I felt the fear - of looseing a man I love dearly, with every ounce of my being.

I have to keep telling myself, It's never going to change if I don't do SOMETHING.

I have to keep telling myself, I can't save him..... I have to save me.

I'm so very very devestated.

I hope and pray I have the strength to NOT give in to him like I have in the past.

I am praying that I stick to this.

Thank you all for listening.
Love,
Cessy

Theresa

Cessy: congratulations on being so strong, for being your own best friend and doing what is best for you! That step on your own behalf was not easy--but you did it, girl!

Do you have a plan in place for when he calls tomorrow? Do you have a plan in place to do something fun for yourself after work tomorrow?

Again, well done this taking care of yourself!

cessy68

Theresa,

I don't have a plan for the inevitable phone calls---- that is a really tough one for me.

I DO have plans after work tomorrow, and that is great................
I'm concerned that he will get a hold of me somehow, and I will crumble. This has been MY problem in the past....

I hope learning here on SR has given me enough resources and strenght to do what is right this time.

Thank you for responding,
Cessy

Ann

Cessy, it's hard to change what always has been, but the old saying "nothing changes if nothing changes" proved itself true over and over for me.

What helped me change was meetings and learning to work the 12 steps. I don't want to sound like I am always pushing meetings, but, sweetie, that's exactly what worked for so many of us.

Surround yourself with support, whether here or at meetings or with family and friends. That will help you keep clarity even if you do speak to him eventually.

Big Hugs

Hangin' In

Cessy,

My first thought was just exactly what Ann wrote: NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES!

It's obvious he's not showing signs of wanting to change. So you are so right. If there is going to be a change that will make your life better, it's going to have to begin within you. And you've done it, Cessy! I know how hard this is. We all know how hard this is, but try to remember that you have just taken the first step toward making YOUR life better.

And if your resolve starts to weaken, come back here and read and read again. I don't think anyone here has said, "Oh forget it honey, let him back in and keep doing what you were doing."

Hugs,
Hangin' In

cassandra2

Good for you. Stay strong.

Seren

Cessy,

Great job!!! I know how tough that must have been for you to do! Things are going to be much better, you have a lot of support here!

Oh....and speaking from experience when I split from my exH, you do NOT have to answer the phone. There is no law that says, if the phone rings you must answer it. Just turn it off and check to see who called every now and again....and only call those people back who you want to talk to.

Hugs, HG

cessy68

Thanks all, the phone did ring, as I knew it would last night, at 2 a.m.......

He called about 6x's probably to see if he could 'just come home'- like I perhaps fell earlier and bumped my head.

Who knows what he wanted, but as hard as it was I did not answer. I finally hit alarm only (cause I use my cell for my alarm clock)- I never even realized that option was available.

I turned back over, cried and went to bed.

You know, it was the first night in a while, that I had good sleep. I wasn't up wondering when he was going to come home, or what I would say when he arrived. I wasn't feeling hurt, laying next to him awake, listening to him breathe funny, because he used pills and drank all night.....

I just slept like a baby.

This a.m.,, I'm not going to lie. I woke up in that empty bed, and the emotions came flooding in. I know he has to come get his stuff, and I don't want to go home tonight and 'see' it gone.

I don't want to continue imagening him getting his own apartment, and furnishing it, and being 'happy' without me.

Him getting his own place hurts the most. It seems so final. In my brain somewhere, I just wish by me telling him to leave, that some ephiany would occur. I know it won't and that is hurting me deep inside.

I'm trying to be very honest here with my feelings, so as to sort them out properly and attempt to heal, so that I don't make the same mistakes and 'take him back' AGAIN.

On other 'trys' asking him to leave, I know my motive, was to 'hear' him come crawling back telling me he loves me- bla bla bla.

I finally don't want that, because I know now - that on some level, he did mean it, but he loves his drugs and himself more.

I know now what I want is peaceful, kind, selfless love in my life, and he will not be able to provide this to me. So I need to let him go.

It hurts. I feel that little girl in my soul, kicking and screaming at me.... telling me, to just let him come back- ----- the smart, rational adult in me is reaaaaalllly trying hard not to let that part of me win - again.

I'm telling myself, nothing has changed all this time. Nothing will change, he had plenty of opportunites to make it right. I know it hurts to loose someone you love, but it hurts MORE to stay with someone you don't really have anyway.

Anymore words of wisdom for the upcomming struggle?????
THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love,
Cessy

outtolunch

Turn this around and imagine yourself being happy without him. Can you imagine the serinity that will come when you are ready to accept it?

It's self defeating to stock our house with all sorts of goodies when we are embarking on a new healthy eating plan to gain control over our weight. If the phone is the trigger for the "begging to come home" game, would you consider blocking the number to reduce the risk of a "just this once" slip?

liesagain

On other 'trys' asking him to leave, I know my motive, was to 'hear' him come crawling back telling me he loves me- bla bla bla.

I finally don't want that, because I know now - that on some level, he did mean it, but he loves his drugs and himself more.

I know now what I want is peaceful, kind, selfless love in my life, and he will not be able to provide this to me. So I need to let him go.

It hurts. I feel that little girl in my soul, kicking and screaming at me.... telling me, to just let him come back- ----- the smart, rational adult in me is reaaaaalllly trying hard not to let that part of me win - again.

wow, thanks for sharing that..................I too have felt the same and believe deep down react in the ways I have......( leave, come home, rehab come home......accepting the drug use roller coaster)
because of the very same things you described...........

thanks...........and I wish you peace and happiness

Limiya

Cessy i'm really proud of you girl. You're so similar to me in as soon as i break up with my abf i miss him and can't cope with my own emotions so i take him back, hoping things will be different.
We all know they won't be.

You've done the right thing honey. And like everyone else said, take one moment at a time, one day at a time.

we're all here for you.
~Limiya~

Alaia

You go girl. Stay strong. It gets easier!

Theresa

Wow! There are so many good posts, thoughts, shared on this thread.

Cessy, you note "I never even realized that option was available." re: your being able to block all but the alarm on your cell. That's what I like about SR. I keep reading and reading and hearing about new options I could be taking. For example, this week, I am going to paraphrase your quote whenever I begin to do something I really don't need to be doing. For example, when I am tempted to read my xbf emails, I am going to say, "I realize that I really do not need to open up my email." I know that this string of emails, and my reading and responding to them, is my/his way of hanging onto a relationship that has not worked. It's like keeping alcohol in the house if you are trying to quit drinking: it keeps the "relationship" available or open.

I do think we pick certain people as our partners for a reason; it's not all just a physical attraction or romance or "love." If the relationship isn't working and we are sticking with it, I believe, for me, that something else is going on inside of me that I have to figure out. I couldn't begin the process of figuring out what this was until I physically removed the guy from my life. Slowly I have started to figure out what in the dickens I have been up to in this relationship. And I still don't quite know. Unfortunately, I still react when I am around him, so I need to limit this contact. This isn't easy, is it?

I really appreciate your honesty, Cessy, about not wanting to imagine him happy without you. I get this completely. And loved OutToLunch's suggestion that you turn it around and imagine yourself happy: this is my goal this week. As other's have said before, sometimes you have to fake a behavior until it finally becomes real...and I'm not opening my email tomorrow ; - )

Blackrose56

I too imagined my ex getting his own place, getting clean and sober and finding a wonderful woman to share it with and I'll miss all that. Reality. I threw him out 3 years ago now. He didn't find his own place. He ended up on the couch of an old girlfriend. It hurt a LOT!!! But then I remember something his rehab therapist told me 2 years prior. "An addict in ACTIVE addiction does NOT love...they just go from victim to victim". And he found another victim. I left the state. And periodically I heard from him. And the "wonderful" life he had with her. In May of last year he called to tell me he'd left her. As the story unfolded...seems he NEVER got clean and sober with her...and she finally had enough and threw him out for good. And the one thing that hit me...he said to me "there was never anything between her and I...I just used her". And he told me he had his own place and was going to get clean. I thought...finally. Well, the next month he'd picked up a woman in a bar and he was madly in love and moved in with her. End of October, she threw him out and he called. And said he wanted to come out here and he "might" want to get clean and sober. I said ONLY if you do, you can come. When you buy the ticket, let me know. Well, he's back with the woman he found in a bar. Turns out she's also an addict with severe mental problems.

Point being. In 3 years he has NOT gotten clean and sober. When we were together, he did drugs 8 hours on Friday night and nothing more. Now, he's drinking/drugging 24/7. In other words....he has NOT found the perfect life with a woman he loves. He is still using women to get what he wants.

I still miss him. And was so hopeful in October that maybe this was it. But...I HAVE a good life now. And I don't want to lose that for anything. It's gonna hurt. It's not easy. But if I can do it, you can too.

cessy68

Theresa,

I agree with you , you said that you believe we pick our partners for 'reason', not just love etc....

I told the girl who wrote 'am I over my head' thread this week that very statement.

I believe it is the energy we put out there- we draw certain things into our world based on our energy. Put negative out, get negative in . (EVEN IF WE DON'T REALIZE IT!)

I also read in a book yesterday - (a friend called and read it to me actually) that we will tolerate the level of abuse from a partner that is on the same level that we already abuse ourselves!!!!!!!!!!!

How true is that?? If we sit back and think about the messages we internally give ourselves! If we (meaning me as an example) always strive for perfection, then deep down inside, I ALREADY have a belief system that I am not good enough.

If I'm thinking deep down inside (regardless of what the world sees) that I am not pretty enough, successfull enough, a good enough mother, my house isn't clean enough, I'm not tolerant enough.....

What will I 'take' from a partner.

Will I take the guy who criticizes rather than builds me up. Of course.

You know, I walk around everyday, like miss confidant. My house is beautiful. My job, most people would be doing cartwheels to make the money I made. My kids are healthy, happy, smart, and loveing.

I HAVE to aknowledge that although the above is TRUE.... deep down I think.... "my hair isn't nice and thick like the girls in victorias secret.... the house may be clean... but I need a new couch.... my clothes are getting old, I don't have the newest fashion, I hate my job..... I'm too sensitive, I'm getting older and I see wrinkles.... I'm 110lbs, but I'm not tone enough, I need to finish my masters degree- because without that I'm not smart enough.

Do you see the pattern here????? Unless I'm willing to face the demons inside of me, and really admitt to myself that I have abused MYSELF for a very long time, I will continue to pick men who abuse me on some level as well.

In addition, I will continue to 'walk away' from good healthy individuals who come into my life because if I'm used to the above, 'normal, healthy, functioning relationships' won't feel 'right' to me.

It's constant work and it is a struggle every day.

If you read my post from last night, (i cant breathe) you'll see that the support I got here changed my views in a matter of hours...... that's what takeing in love will do.

From ourselves and others.....

Thank you and everyone.

Black rose- thanks for sharing....that helped alot!!!!

Love,
Cessy

Theresa

Thanks for this Cessy; your thoughts are SO helpful to me.

And I can see it: my constant feelings that I am not enough get picked up by others (i.e., users), who agree with me and think that I need to be doing a little more for them.

I will really watch these thoughts tonight and tomorrow.

Thanks again for helping me to work through these issues.