Daisy30

I was at peace with seperating from Ah (I posted a while ago about me making plans to leave). Before I could do things how I wanted, Ah had a really bad night and I had to leave abruptly with the kids (I stayed at my mom's until yesterday). This was about 2 weeks ago.

After much pleading from AH that he needs his family and the promise that he had started his recovery (going to counceling)and has been sober, last night I came back home.
I could tell instantly that he was not sober. So I imedately started looking for places to live (once again).
He realized he messed up and called his mother and she picked him up and took him to her house for the night.

I continued to make plans to leave (since he said he needed the house). This morning he comes home and is regretful and wanting to start more intensive treatment. I couldn't get him to go to inpatient, but he agreed to out patient at the addiction center where he has counseling. He left this afternoon and said he will stay away until we have our maritial counseling appt. on Wed.
We came to this agreement after much MUCH discussion and me almost loosing my mind! The man wants us to live together still while he recovers.... I just don't know if I can do it! He said he needs his family for stability and that having stability is a big part of his recovery..... I kept trying to explain that we should not be together right now.....<pulling hair out>

I was glad that he came around and will stay at his folks until our appt. where hopefully we can work something out.

I hate that it puts me in Limbo! will he find somewhere to stay so that the kids and I can stay here...or do I need to keep looking for a place...ahhhh

What I did realize through our discussion today is that i can NO LONGER procrastinate about getting a SPONSOR! I must do this at my next meeting. I was going to ask someone at my last meeting, but then I wasn't sure who to ask. One week I think I know and the next week it changes...ahhh....I don't care any more...lol if they have a pulse and they are at the meeting they will be asked to be my sponsor....lol

prodigal

He may not get what he wants for the time being. That is not to say your family cannot be reunited if he can sincerely work at sobriety.

If you are being driven looney by him; and, believe me, I sympathize with what you are going through; arranging to live apart for the time being sounds like it would be best for you.

It is true that stability is necessary for recovery, but I believe that internal stability within oneself is more important that what is going on around us. If you feel comfortable not living with him for now, and he cannot accept it, then that's his choice.

Sobriety isn't negotiable. He is either willing to go to any lengths to get it or he isn't.

Be true to yourself and do what feels best for you.

kermit

Sorry to see you are so frustrated, I know this is a hard time, do you think it better that he find another place so your kids do not need to leave there comfort zone? That is what my ah and I agreed on, we felt it better that way. As for a sponsor I find it best to talk to a few people, invite them for coffee or ice cream and just talk after a meeting, you will find the right person for you, in the mean time we are here for you

Still Waters

What about your stability? What about your needs anywhere in that conversation? Sounds to me like it was me me quack me me quack.

There are umpteen places for him to go while in recovery, it's not so easy for you with the kids.

Selfish, manipulative, childish, and ...well, an alcoholic.

Daisy30

Kermit ~ that would be the best possible outcome if we could agree to that. He has been wishy washy on it so we will see if maybe a neutral person can help us sort it out.

SW~ I had those same thoughts as I was typing it!... He did later come to me and say that he understands that why I have to leave and if I do & he will have to figure out a different way to have stability.

He is trying...it's just so hard

kermit

Daisy, I will say a prayer for you tonight, I remember the sleeples nights when your mind is going over and over what to do. It will work out, have faith.

hadenoughnow

All I can share is that I went down this same road (him begging to stay together while he "recovered") and it was a disaster that ended with him having a total meltdown and me filing for divorce and a restraining order and throwing him out for good.

Lilyflower

Daisy, this is your life too, not just his. You need to do what you need to do to keep your serenity and peace of mind. If you feel in limbo it is possibly becasue you feel that the decisions have been taken out of your hands and your future is being decided by others?

Take back your control, do what YOU need to do, regain your peace.

On a side note - his recovery should not be based around ANYTHING but himself - I am positive any good recvoery centre will tell him this too. If he wants to gain lasting sobriety he will need to maintain it despite it all - lifes ups downs, with someone, without someone. His sobriety should never be based on your family, you, his dog NOTHING, and to put you in that place is in itself unfair, emotional blackmailing and manipulation.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Daisy30

Thanks I love this place

I guess I have to take resposnsibility for my part too. I keep holding out hope that he will agree to let us stay here while he goes elswhere....and theat ultimately puts me in limbo....If I would just decide to leave then I could find a place today....I just think it is easier to move one person than 4

Lilyflower

You are right it would be much easier to just move 1 person. Unfortuantely when dealing with an alcoholic, it is hard to get them to see practicalities, lol!

When I was with my abf, for a long long time, he refused to go anywhere. I would tell him to move out and he would throw it back at me saying you move out, this is MY home. He said that even tough the mortgage was in MY name and i had a 8/9 year old daughter where as he was just him. It was all about controlling me and the situation. He was happy doing what he was doing. He saw nothing wong with how he treated/spoke to me or my daughter. He saw nothing wrong with our relationship - just that I was a constant nag and was never bloody happy. Our problems would go away if I stopped moaning and accepted life as it was.

You know that feeling too, anyone who lives with an addict does! Sometimes the road to peace and serenity is a bumpy one and often has difficulties in an emotional and practical sense, but the raod is well worth travelling.

Remember too - small steps. Organisation is key, and makes for a lot less hassle in the long run. If there is alot to sort, do it one step at a time. Each time you accomplish something - no matter how small you are one step closer to your goal. Ask friends and family for help - you have a support network available to you and I bet they would love to help out if you asked them.

I hope you find your answers.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Barbara52

You can try being proactive and get a settelement agree ment together that specifies exactly how you want things to be: who moves out, who pays what, etc. You do not have to wait for him to decide. Take action yourself. He may not agree but then again he may and then you have it set in writing.

fluer

Hi Daisy,
Wow,so much chaos and pressure..and 3 kids. I really feel for you. It sounds to me like you are not actually that confused on what needs to happen, and whats best for you and your children. It just sounds like you are having a difficult time figuring out how to accomplish seperating yourself from this nightmare that won't stop.

I don't like when other people try to tell people what is "best" for them specially never having met them. This Counselor does not sound like a good one. What I do like is, when confronted with this mans opinion you felt your true feelings once again"I keep trying to explain that we should not be together right now!". I know it is SO hard to be where you are, and to know left from right but I would really trust your gut on this one. There is too much at stake. You and your children deserve calm,peace,stability and safety.

I know it is difficult and not alot of people understand what it is you are living through day after day. My life really took a turn for the better(way better) when I discovered I didn't always have to have ALL the answers, and that I did not always have to be able to explain my thoughts,feelings and decisions to everybody. When I started to own my own feelings and trust my own perception of MY life, everything changed. Trust yourself, do what you know in your heart is best for today. Take each day and each decision one step at a time. It will all come together. It is hard to do this, and as you identify the people in your world who want to make you explain your own feelings to them, boot em as fast as you can. People that love you and want whats best for you will support what you tell them you feel, and what you need.

Last thing..sometimes I may not even know all the reasons I feel something I feel ,but when it has to do with my feelings of safety or peace of mind I have learned to trust myself, and act accordingly. I can find the reasons later to either support my feeling or dispute them. The worst thing that can happen in that scenario is I misjudged it, and I can always reinvite that person or situation back into my life. But more often than not, if I feel uneasy about something, or someone, it's because something is really wrong.

Much love to you. I think you are brave and strong and are going to figure this thing out.

resentful wife

Please speak with a lawyer, regardless of whose name is on the house with three kids i don't see why you would be told to leave. And if being with his family hasn't helped him remain sober all this time how will it help him once he starts op?
As hard as it is to let go of our dreams about the way we thought our lifes would be with the person we love, sometimes we have to use all the love we have for them and give it to ourselves and our children.
Protect yourself and those kids and good luck to you.

Linda