timetogo

This has got to have been the worst holiday season I have ever had (and I have had a few bad ones!). New Years Eve was the worst -- I'm very sure that my A/AH was using cocaine in our home while we were having a get together -- I thought it was pretty obvious (although I have never seen him stoned where it was this noticable) and my close friend who knows what has been going on mentioned it to me. New Years Day, my daughter (16) also commented (I think he continued his binge the next day) and actually asked me if he was doing cocaine (both my daughters know that he has a drinking problem but don't know about the drugs). That floored me and I didn't know exactly what to say. The very next day he disappeared again for 24 hours. I decided (well have been making the decision for a while now) that enough was enough. I have been cleaning and "dunging" for a few days trying to get the house spruced up to put on the market. Well doesn't he show back up, loaded on Saturday night, completely obnoxious. All the while my daughter is shaking her head in disgust, crying, etc. She is so angry at him. I was disgusted -- he crossed a line.

I have been going ahead with some plans, cancelling some others that we had with friends (very upsetting but necessary). I have a very hard time not getting overwhelmed -- every time I turn around I think of something else I have not thought about in regards to leaving -- I had a very emotional hard day today at work -- couldn't stop crying. My co-workers must be aware that something is wrong but I haven't told them yet. Of course, everyone was just back from holidays today asking how everyone's was, etc. It was hard. Minute to minute I waver from being strong and wanting to leave, to giving in and just staying because it takes less energy to bawling my eyes out because of all that I have lost and all that will be lost in the future.

Anyway, he hasn't barely said a word to me in two weeks, comes and goes as he pleases and is hurting my kids. When I got home tonight, he wanted to "talk if I had time for him". He is playing such a victim role today. I think he knows that I've had enough and he is scared. He wanted to know where we stood -- he doesn't want to stay in this house without me, "for what it's worth -- he is sorry" -- blah, blah, blah. He told me how much he is hurting and how f**** up he is. And he is. My question is why, after ALL HE HAS PUT ME AND MY KIDS AND HIS FAMILY THROUGH am I feeling so many mixed emotions -- is that the true meaning of co-dependent? As soon as I heard him vulnerable, I felt awful for him. I'm so sad that he is going through this -- can he really help it? I need some words of encouragement, my courage is waning!

thanks (sorry, I'm always so :wtf2long winded!)
ttg

Creekryder

Decisions of this nature are so difficult to decide upon. One of the most important elements is safety of your children. Having drugs around them compromises their safe haven of home. If the law enforcement came into your house, what would happen with the children? What would become of your livelihood in regards to a change in financial repercussions? If we only become conscious of our actions and their consequences, our performances would surely change. But too many times, we lose that and continue on a dangerous path that many times include innocent people in our lives.
If you pray, do so. Meditate on the path you should choose. You have so much to weigh your decisions.

Peace
Padraic

embraced2000

the holiday seasons are the worst for us that love addicts, and trying to make a decision to go or stay.

it sounds as if you have made the decision that this is not the life you want. remember, it always progresses unless they go into recovery and truly grab ahold of it.

i'm so sorry that you have this is your life.....but you do.

it also sounds as if you want to protect your children from living with the effects of addiction.

yeah, he may be sorry......just like millions of times before and trillions of times to come.

he is sick. living with my xah made me very sick to the point of trying to commit suicide.

which made me much sicker than he was, i assure you.

however, it was thinking like.....he is sick....he is doing the best he can....this is my life and will be my life.....how can i leave a sick person....what about our vows????

that kind of thinking ended me in intensive care for about 1 week, then a stress center for about 2 more weeks. there is no reason i should be alive today. i took enough narcotics to kill a horse.

and,,,,,,,he drove around with me for about an hour until he took me to the hosp., when the hosp is onlly one block away. makes me wonder if he were waiting for me to die.

i never thought he would turn into this person who ocuppies my husbands body.

but he did. it gets very scary. i'm not saying your hubs would ever do anything like this, but i do know the progression.

remember, a seperation doesn't mean divorce right away. it may be the thing that makes him go into recovery and make it.

hugs and prayers for you

GiveLove

Time to go, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a normal phase of things, believe it.

What does your daughter say when you tell HER you're slipping? That you have a choice, but you think you'd prefer to sentence both of you to more of this?

I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but as an adult child of abusive alcoholics I find it very hard to watch things like your husband putting your daughter through the same things my folks put me through -- knowing how many DECADES it took for me to straighten myself out again, cursing my mother for many, many years.

So, take all this with a grain of salt, because I'm sending it with love and appreciation for the progress you're trying to make, and I know damn well how hard this all is. YES, the feelings you're having are of course classic codependent -- and tons of us have been right where you're standing, including moi. He's abusive, he's sorry, and has YOU talked into feeling bad for wanting a normal life for yourself and your kids. This is extremely, extremely typical.

So he admits he's hurt you all, he's screwed up, he doesn't want to lose you....WHAT'S HE DOING ABOUT IT? What actions is he taking, besides whining, and whining doesn't count btw. There are 12-step groups, detox, inpatient rehab, outpatient rehab....has he taken one single step in this direction? Has he twitched a toe that way? Or is he that sure you'll cave, and put his "needs" above your own, that he doesn't feel he has to?

Know that he has had years of practice manipulating your feelings, in good ways and bad. He is using this skillset right now to keep things the way he wants them to be....regardless of how damaging they are to you & your children. If you don't feel right leaving now, do you have any boundaries established, as in "If you do not find a treatment program and commit to entering it by 1/9/09, I will be forced to remove myself and my daughters from this damaging situation" ? Does he have any accountability at all, or is he free to keep doing these dreadful things at will?

Do you have a physical, local support group? When alcoholics feel themselves slipping, they find it lifesaving to have a group, a sponsor, someone to call and talk them down off the ledge. Do you have this, or can you build it for yourself? Online is great, but it is no substitute for a real person standing next to you, reminding you what you told them you want for yourself.

Go back and read your own posts, and imagine they are written by someone desperately hurting, coming to you for help in making a decision. What would you say to her?

Hugs,
GL

LaTeeDa

I have to agree with GL. My father was a alcoholic. He died when I was almost thirteen, as a direct result of his lifestyle. The role models I had growing up directly and indirectly influenced my choices as an adult. It took me till I was in my early forties to finally decide enough is enough. I do not want my children to make the same mistakes I made. I hope it is not too late for me to be a positive role model for them. I sometimes hate myself for not taking positive actions sooner. They saw and lived way too much dysfunction in their lives. They have been in therapy, they see me changing. We talk about owning responsibility and they see me doing it every day--now. But, for most of their lives, I was caught up in the dysfunction of their alcoholic father. They have many "ingrained" beliefs that are not healthy. We work through them as they come up. I hope every day that this is enough to break the cycle. Only time will tell.............

L

Daisy30

I have been here. You must do what is best for you and your daughter. You are strong you can do this! The addict will get help when the addict is ready and not a second sooner.

Also, get support for you and her. Go to al anon and al-teen for her. You be amazed by how much everyone there has in common with you. Educate yourself about addiction. Check out the "classic reading" sticky in this forum.

I turned to a friend for support recently...she is also a BSW. She said to me and this has stuck in my head, "There is a first time for everything". It's a pretty powerful statement.

prodigal

I think separation and divorce are heart-wrenching and traumatic experiences, even if one isn't married to an addict. What makes it even more painful is when the addict starts pulling out all stops and manipulating. People generally have mixed emotions, feel confused, aren't quite sure what end is up, etc., when a relationship is heading south. You married a man you loved. You built a life with him. He is the father of your children. Naturally, you're going to be feeling LOTS of "stuff."

I came to the conclusion that I was not a factor in his "addiction equation." That was what finally cut it for me; I didn't matter. So I decided to start to matter for me. What he wanted to do was his business.

Bernadette

(very upsetting but necessary).

Keep focusing on the necessary!!!!

For your mental health and, for the love of God, the mental health of your kids you must keep doing the next right thing for YOU - not for him! Because while an alcoholic or addict is active you know what the next right thing for them is in their twisted brains? More alcohol, more drugs, more of the status quo, more keeping their enablers off-balance and their world revolving around them. Do you want a part of that? You do have the power to step off.

As soon as I heard him vulnerable, I felt awful for him.

It's OK to feel bad for someone who is a mess. But seriously, that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your life and your happiness for that person. That doesn't mean you let THOSE particular feeling rule the day and influence your decision making. Can you spare some feelings for YOURSELF? Or your daughter - aware of drug use - crying on Saturday night?

why after ALL HE HAS PUT ME AND MY KIDS AND HIS FAMILY THROUGH am I feeling so many mixed emotions -- is that the true meaning of co-dependent?
YES MA'AM!!!

of all that I have lost and all that will be lost in the future.
I am begging you to turn this around-- you have so much to GAIN in your future if you can break out of this sick cycle of codependence. When you start down this negative thinking pathway try replacing that thought with this one:
"The past is gone. I now create a safe joyous future."
Say it a hundred times a day of you have to. I mean who is protecting your vulnerability? Who is championing your future and your mental health? It is up to you!

Try shutting the sound off with your AH. STOP listening to his quacking. Hinestly there is nothing left for this guy to SAY there is only action - and it will take serious time for his actions to bring about the kind of change that would make him a serious contender for your heart and for the privelage of being in your daughter's life!!

Make a plan and stick to it.
Make a plan that DOES NOT CHANGE no matter what HE says or does.. Let him say all he wants, you just keep doing the next right necessary thing to get yourself out from under this burden.

You can do it!

(((hugs)))
peace-
B.

embraced2000

my xah could turn "vulnerable" on like a light switch.

Jadmack25

Completely agree with all the above answers. HE is "scared", HE is the "victim", He doesn't want to live "without you", HE wants your help and support. You and your kids were scared, victimized, and living with him and his rubbish, and where was help or support for you all? Of course he is scared of losing you, but it didn't stop him using and making your holidays hell for you.
He may be in need of help and comfort, but what he really needs is a program and professional help and you need peace and security. You and your children do not need to be in a situation of any more walking on eggshells, whether he is or isn't using. He is an adult, and can get help anytime he wants, IF HE WANTS IT. Your kids need help NOW and you are the only one to give them that and provide safety, security and love to them.

Think about what you want and need for yourself and your children, then decide how you will go about achieving it.

God bless