How do I tell him there is just too much love lost?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: columbus ohio
Posts: 43
How do I tell him there is just too much love lost?
I have been married to an A for 21 years. I have received very nice text messages and emails from him all day today. I feel so emotional today! He is willing to do anything he can to save our marriage. I feel like there is no way to ever get back what we once had. I don't know, maybe I am just not willing to even try. I am just so tired of it all. I have lost myself, I have lost any love that I feel I had for him. I want to say I hate you but can't. I guess I don't hate, that is not the correct word. But the fluttery feeling is gone and has been for so long I don't know how to say it. Does anyone else have this feeling or loss of the feeling? I have been going to counseling I just started Alanon. I have my faith in God and I have no direction on how to handle this flow of emotions he has started in me. I don't want marriage counseling. I just want to be done. He has 6 days now sober and has been doing AA on line but 6 days is nothing compared to the years of suffering I have done. I want to scream and cry and just be mean. Is this normal or am I going crazy?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
sue,
Personal counseling (NOT marriage counseling) really was a godsend for me in untangling all of these kinds of feelings. I felt I really needed help getting at the core of things....it was just so confusing to try to understand how I really felt, what I really wanted, after so many years with alcoholics.
Have you considered this? It's time for you to focus on YOU, and not on "how to tell him" anything. When it is clear to YOU how you feel, then your next steps may become so much clearer and more simple
Personal counseling (NOT marriage counseling) really was a godsend for me in untangling all of these kinds of feelings. I felt I really needed help getting at the core of things....it was just so confusing to try to understand how I really felt, what I really wanted, after so many years with alcoholics.
Have you considered this? It's time for you to focus on YOU, and not on "how to tell him" anything. When it is clear to YOU how you feel, then your next steps may become so much clearer and more simple
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: columbus ohio
Posts: 43
I have been in counseling now for months. It always seems when I am going to really work on something for me something else happens in my life. A month ago when I really felt done. My daughter dropped the bomb on me that she was going to have a baby. That made me put things on hold. I go to Alanon tomorrow and counseling on Weds. I am really looking forward to both. My counselor is great and I hate that I go in there and it seems like we have something going and it all crashes down by my next appointment. I go weekly and will not stop. Of course the changes can't be put in place by anyone but me, but now I feel he is breaking down what I have built up.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
The only way for me to move on with my life and not obsess or be torn over what my boyfriend was doing or not doing was to end all contact with him. That meant no phone calls, no e-mails, no cards, no contact with mutual friends who tended to want to fill me in on what was going on in his life.
For me, the less I knew about what was going on in my boyfriend's life the better. It gave me more peace and helped me to focus on the type of life I wanted to live.
For me, the less I knew about what was going on in my boyfriend's life the better. It gave me more peace and helped me to focus on the type of life I wanted to live.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Sometimes the love just dies, even when there isn't alcoholism involved. There is nothing wrong with recognizing that for you the love is gone and you are done. It's what happened with both my marriages. I could not remain married to men I no longer loved, who were too different from me. Yes, xAH's alcoholism was a strong factor in the end of my second marriage but the real bottom line reason was I was done.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Of course the changes can't be put in place by anyone but me, but now I feel he is breaking down what I have built up.
I am glad you're looking forward to your inner work this week!!! I always do too...like "Me Time" on a big scale. Good luck, sue. Do right by YOU....if the love isn't there, it isn't there. Feeling bad about that is like feeling bad that grass is green or cars run on gasoline. That negativity just feeds into the manipulative "lure" your AH is putting out for you, weakening your self-esteem so you're easily reeled back in.
Hugs,
GL
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Sue, nothing needs to be done right now, other than you working on you. Another day, another week - isn't going to make much difference (if he's staying sober).
Don't feel pressed to DO anything maybe?
Don't feel pressed to DO anything maybe?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hello sue,
One of the first things I learned in counseling was that I always have the right to change my mind; it was so simple but helped me alot. I also learned that it's okay to wait on things and that when I do, something usually happens to show me which way to go. It reminds me of two of the little signs on the table in my Al-Anon meeting: "Think." and "Serenity is not needing to know what happens next."
One of the first things I learned in counseling was that I always have the right to change my mind; it was so simple but helped me alot. I also learned that it's okay to wait on things and that when I do, something usually happens to show me which way to go. It reminds me of two of the little signs on the table in my Al-Anon meeting: "Think." and "Serenity is not needing to know what happens next."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by lost sue 
He has 6 days now sober and has been doing AA on line but 6 days is nothing compared to the years of suffering I have done. I want to scream and cry and just be mean. Is this normal or am I going crazy?
I did cry and think alot of evil thoughts but I didn't scream.
I was confused...the thing I'd longed for most was now happening but I wasn't happy. I thought him stopping drinking would be the answer to everything and when it wasn't and he seemed to move on so easily it pissed me off.
I wanted to shout and scream and tell him "what about me..what about all those things you did to me, you think you can just stop drinking and that's it?"
It didn't last long but I was really messed up about the change and wasn't sure how our relationship would fare, it was all new and it scared me.
I think I spent so long blaming everything wrong with our relationship on his drinking that I was scared and didn't know what I would blame if things still didn't go right, it kinda made me confront things instead of pushing them to the side.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: oklahoma
Posts: 4
Sue,
I had a Ah for over 15 years and I was just like you. Not sure what to do. I took care of myself first but also supported my husband. When he got sober it made a world of difference for the both of us. I can not tell you what is best for you but I hung in there with him and we are still together today 7 years later. I found out that he became the person I fell in love with once he sobered up. I hope that this might be helpful to that sometimes you can find the love you once had. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your husband.
I had a Ah for over 15 years and I was just like you. Not sure what to do. I took care of myself first but also supported my husband. When he got sober it made a world of difference for the both of us. I can not tell you what is best for you but I hung in there with him and we are still together today 7 years later. I found out that he became the person I fell in love with once he sobered up. I hope that this might be helpful to that sometimes you can find the love you once had. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your husband.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
i could have told my xah we were out of grape jelly, and it would have had the same effect of telling him there was just too much love lost.
he was in active alcoholism at the time, and all he was reallly concerned about was being out in the street, no one to support him, and finding a place to "winter up".
he actually asked me this last time if we could just "winter up" and be friends.
translation: i want a home, an income (mine), and a vehicle (mine), and an appearance of being a couple. a couple meaning that he could rant and rail against me, abuse me, and treat a junk yard dog better than me.
it wasn't really him......my husband was gone....the man that stood in front of me was a sick man that represented more of a pod person than he did of that as my husband.
it's hard to end it when they are so sick. but what choice did i have? live with a sick man and become sicker myself, or at least try to save half of the equation....myself.
he was in active alcoholism at the time, and all he was reallly concerned about was being out in the street, no one to support him, and finding a place to "winter up".
he actually asked me this last time if we could just "winter up" and be friends.
translation: i want a home, an income (mine), and a vehicle (mine), and an appearance of being a couple. a couple meaning that he could rant and rail against me, abuse me, and treat a junk yard dog better than me.
it wasn't really him......my husband was gone....the man that stood in front of me was a sick man that represented more of a pod person than he did of that as my husband.
it's hard to end it when they are so sick. but what choice did i have? live with a sick man and become sicker myself, or at least try to save half of the equation....myself.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
