sknyfats

For anyone who's read anything I've posted in the past - just thought I'd give an update. I know I mentioned a time or two that I may be codependent...well - I did pick up that "Codependent No More" book - and, thanks to that - and some events that happened this past New Years Eve, I have finally learned not only what codependency really is - but that I am definitely codependent right now - and have been for quite a long time.

Its funny - but I had always wondered why, for this one girl I met about 7 years ago - I "wished" I could feel an attraction for her - but just didn't - not the way I thought I should or she wanted me to. She was so in love with me - but I pushed her away. I now know why. She didn't have what my codependency required. She was too "put together" - too centered & balanced. There wasn't anything for me to do or blame. Crazy, huh?

Well - now it's confirmed. All the whining, moaning & complaining I've done - all the wasted energy spent on stressing out, trying to understand my current AGF (the 1st & only drug addict I've ever dated & known so well) - and wishes & hopes of her starting recovery...it was all just that, in a way - a waste & way for me to blame; fuel for me to burn up in my codependent ways. As much as I didn't want her to be addicted & do the things she's done - part of me needed that. That's why I never just "walked away"; that's why I continued to stay - and feel - so much pain. None of what I felt or thought was ever her fault.

Of course, none of this was truly "a waste", I know - because, if it weren't for her - and all we've been through - I wouldn't be where I am RIGHT NOW. I'm young & healthy enough to pick up the pieces of the mess I made & hopefully, will live a much better life as I learn to deal with my codependent ways.

So - for anyone who's just glossed over the word - like I did so often - check into it. Pick up Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More". I think it IS safe to say that most people that are drawn to known drug addicts or alcholics are codependent...

I've got a long road ahead of me - but I have finally got some peace of mind in knowing, at least somewhat, what my problem is & that its something I can work on. Weird. It's so simple - but, for so long, I just didn't "get it"...guess I just wasn't ready, huh?

winnie12

It gets easier when you finally realize you deserve to be loved and dont have to earn another's love by fixing them.

marle

Good for you. My daughter always picked guys who needed to be mothered. She herself became an addict but she made sure that the boyfriend she picked during that time was more f*cked up than she was so that she still could feel that he needed her and somehow she could convince herself that she was not the one with issues. You are so fortunate that you are willing to recognize your codependency traits so young and hopefully will not have to spend your lifetime trying to make someone love you and is incapable of loving anyone. Hugs, Marle

jerect

I know where you are coming from.. before I met my AH, i went out with a guy a couple of times but things did not gel with us... now I know why.. that guy had his stuff together, he didn't need fixing.. so I found someone that did...

Codependent No More is an awesome recovery book.. I have read it at least 5 times in the last year and I'm thinking of picking it up again in the next week because I'm no where near cured of this disease...

Happy Reading Sknyfats... when you are done with that one she has a follow up book called beyond Codpendency that is just as good as her first one...