Happy New Year and Update!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Happy New Year and Update!
I recently returned from a 3-week vacation far away and now is the time to face the ABF and make a few changes. I promised myself before I left that I won't return to the mess and our reunion upon my return proved me right - it was bad bad bad! He was drunk and demanding and I was tired after a 24-hour trip and in the end I left and went home. I left telling him that I am tired of being disrespected when he is drunk (which was futile in his state, but oh well).
I called him today because I want to get together in a neutral place (over dinner) and sort this out. I am not even angry at him because I know he is in a lot of pain and extremely unhappy. But instead of sharing that with me like he used to, he drowns it and makes me unhappy. I know about the difficult border between boundaries and demands, but I need to tell him that he needs to start therapy and go back to treatment. He is self-destructing and I can't watch it any longer and I can't do it to myself any longer. He says he loves me and I believe him, but I want a partnership like we used to have and not this crazy and frustrating I-never-know-who-he's-gonna-be-this-time. I also realize that I don't fully trust him anymore because he has been so secretive. In any case, today should be the day to make decisions. I hope I can follow through, so please wish me luck.
On a more personal note, I had a great Christmas with my family! Today I am cleaning out my closet (literally) and throwing away clothes that I don't wear or shouldn't wear anymore. And I just made an appointment for an orientation at this super fancy gym in town that I SO cannot afford, but which offers so much and, best of all, has a pool for swimming laps and I love to swim. I hope my role model Suze Orman would consider this "good debt."
I was so mad at ABF yesterday, but a friend invited me for dinner and I had a great time. Part of me is grateful for this experience because I am learning not to be consumed with relationship troubles and not to go into my hermit cave.
I called him today because I want to get together in a neutral place (over dinner) and sort this out. I am not even angry at him because I know he is in a lot of pain and extremely unhappy. But instead of sharing that with me like he used to, he drowns it and makes me unhappy. I know about the difficult border between boundaries and demands, but I need to tell him that he needs to start therapy and go back to treatment. He is self-destructing and I can't watch it any longer and I can't do it to myself any longer. He says he loves me and I believe him, but I want a partnership like we used to have and not this crazy and frustrating I-never-know-who-he's-gonna-be-this-time. I also realize that I don't fully trust him anymore because he has been so secretive. In any case, today should be the day to make decisions. I hope I can follow through, so please wish me luck.
On a more personal note, I had a great Christmas with my family! Today I am cleaning out my closet (literally) and throwing away clothes that I don't wear or shouldn't wear anymore. And I just made an appointment for an orientation at this super fancy gym in town that I SO cannot afford, but which offers so much and, best of all, has a pool for swimming laps and I love to swim. I hope my role model Suze Orman would consider this "good debt."
I was so mad at ABF yesterday, but a friend invited me for dinner and I had a great time. Part of me is grateful for this experience because I am learning not to be consumed with relationship troubles and not to go into my hermit cave.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Kimmie,
Sounds like you are really making some strides and figuring out what you're willing to have in your life. Be clear in your mind what your boundaries are, and what you will do if they are crossed. For example, if he chooses to continue his current behavior and chooses not to get any sort of help, and continues to be deceptive with you, what will you do for YOU ?
Glad your Xmas was a good one. And imho, Suze Orman might think that investing in one's physical health (and hence mental/emotional health) would be a good thing. Does it have to be debt? Paying cash for it can turn a debt into an investment...or at the very least, a perfectly acceptable life choice. I dont' belong to an expensive gym, but I faithfully pay for my pretty-good gym pass and am grateful for the calm and serenity it brings me.
XOX
GL
Sounds like you are really making some strides and figuring out what you're willing to have in your life. Be clear in your mind what your boundaries are, and what you will do if they are crossed. For example, if he chooses to continue his current behavior and chooses not to get any sort of help, and continues to be deceptive with you, what will you do for YOU ?
Glad your Xmas was a good one. And imho, Suze Orman might think that investing in one's physical health (and hence mental/emotional health) would be a good thing. Does it have to be debt? Paying cash for it can turn a debt into an investment...or at the very least, a perfectly acceptable life choice. I dont' belong to an expensive gym, but I faithfully pay for my pretty-good gym pass and am grateful for the calm and serenity it brings me.
XOX
GL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Thank you both for your replies!
Give Love, I hope I can remove myself from this situation. Detaching has helped, but it's not what I want from a relationship. But this is easier said than done. I don't know if he is actually deceptive, but he does not share his problems with me like he used to. What I have to tell him is that I cannot watch him self-destruct any longer and that this is not a relationship because I don't feel like I am safe with him. After Friday night, if he does not seek sobriety and therapy, I really have no choice than to say I have to end this if I want to continue to look in the mirror. And I cannot lie to my family anymore and act as if everything is ok.
As for the gym, I will pay it from my salary. This means that I have to slightly reduce my cc payments, but that's ok. I had considered a less expensive gym, but I didn't really like it. But my main reason is that this is the only gym in town with a big enough pool for laps and I love to swim because it's meditative for me. So given that I can swim AND work out AND go to Yoga classes in one place seems worth the extra money. I have been so good with money and this is my treat
Give Love, I hope I can remove myself from this situation. Detaching has helped, but it's not what I want from a relationship. But this is easier said than done. I don't know if he is actually deceptive, but he does not share his problems with me like he used to. What I have to tell him is that I cannot watch him self-destruct any longer and that this is not a relationship because I don't feel like I am safe with him. After Friday night, if he does not seek sobriety and therapy, I really have no choice than to say I have to end this if I want to continue to look in the mirror. And I cannot lie to my family anymore and act as if everything is ok.
As for the gym, I will pay it from my salary. This means that I have to slightly reduce my cc payments, but that's ok. I had considered a less expensive gym, but I didn't really like it. But my main reason is that this is the only gym in town with a big enough pool for laps and I love to swim because it's meditative for me. So given that I can swim AND work out AND go to Yoga classes in one place seems worth the extra money. I have been so good with money and this is my treat
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I know exactly how you feel. I admire how level-headed you are, Kimmie!!
My own gym also had a deal-breaker: I fell in love with the climbing wall. We have a women's-only group that gets together on Mondays and laughs and climbs. Swimming is so meditative, so good for you!
My own gym also had a deal-breaker: I fell in love with the climbing wall. We have a women's-only group that gets together on Mondays and laughs and climbs. Swimming is so meditative, so good for you!
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