kathy306

Well, I joined this group yesterday in hopes of getting some understanding of what is happening in our family. My freshman in college came home from college for Christmas break and after a week we found coke and xanax in her bag (we also found a handle of vodka after she left). We confronted her, and at first she shrugged it off, but 5 minutes into the conversation she broke down and told us she needed help. She knew she had a problem as she even gave me a name of a treatment center she would like to go to. When our conversation ended I called the center, they had an opening and instructed us to act quickly. I stayed up all night researching treatment centers to see if this one would be the right fit for her. We decided to send her where she wanted to go. She spent 6 nights in detox before she was moved to the treatment center. She has been in treatment since December 23rd. I know we did the right thing...but here is where the family is torn. How do we know if she is actually and addict/ alcoholic or if she is a kid who just spiraled out of control during her first semester away at college? My other daughter wants her to come live with her at her college (she is a grad student) but she is under the impression that she will be able to drink again...she just neds to know her limits. I know she feels this way because her dad and I have not felt she is an addict/alcoholic, just a kid that is self medicating because we have felt she has some underlying psych problems. I know that anyone that goes into trmt is lead to believe they are an addict, but I know people that were in trmt for drugs that are able to socially drink. I am just so concerned wht we will do once she finishes treament. We plan on sending her to a sober house...but her future scares me to death. Unfortunately 18 yr olds seem to focus on drugs and drinking for their social life. Thanks for listening. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

marle

Welcome to SR. My daughter is my addict. Her DOC was opiates but she started drinking and doing cocaine in her freshman year of college. I was in denial for a long time about her problems and yes, she was self-medicating depression. She was in therapy at the time for it and also on anti-depressants. The thing about addiction is that it is progressive. My daughter progressed to oxycontin and then later to heroin. She tried several times to stop herself and went for periods of time being clean. She went to her first rehab in October of 2005 but was not ready to quit and within a couple of weeks of leaving that treatment she took up with a crack addict and spent the next two and a half years with him supplying all her drugs. She finally decided to get clean, went to rehab, halfway house and now has 7 months clean. She still thinks that she can drink occasionally. That is something that she has to work out. So in answer to your question of is your daughter an addict. If she can't stop when things are spiraling out of control, then yes she is most likely addicted. With that being said, it is very important that you find some help for yourself so that you can understand addiction and all of its consequences. Meetings, either Al-anon or Nar-anon gives you a place to go where you can share with people going through similar circumstances. Coming here and reading and learning everything you can about addiction can be of great help. I pray that your daughter has hit a bottom and is willing to continue to get help. Hugs, Marle

Hangin' In

Hi Kathy,

I am the mother of a recovering addicted daughter who went to her first treatment center at the age of 20.

If the treatment center where you sent your daughter is reputible and truly treats the addiction, I'm sure they have already assessed your daughter as to whether she truly has a problem. They can help your daughter come to the realization of what is really going on her life, but only the alcoholic/addict can have the final say so of whether they are or aren't an addict/alcoholic. I know my daughter, as many I've seen, had troubled accepting she truly is an alcoholic. She did the "I'm not like those other people in recovery" and went back out there to do a little more "experimenting". She found out rather quickly that she very much IS like the folks in the rooms of AA and NA and that she is an alcoholic/addict. But she only came to this decision on her own and that took a lot of looking deep within, counseling and many, many meetings.

It will take time for the truth to come out. If it were me in this situation, I would err on the side of being too careful and not put your daughter in a sitaution that would only send a message to her that she can drink (or drug) again when she, herself, told you she has a problem. That doesn't mean you can control her because you can't control anyone else but yourself. But I would not knowlingly put her in a dangerous and tempting situation. But that's only my 2 cents worth ... take what you like and leave the rest (as we say in meetings.)

I hope you'll stick around here and read and post. There are so many wise parents here who have been and are right where you are today. And if you can find an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting in your area, I'd recommend it. The knowledge I gained at meetings and on this board have save my sanity.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

outtolunch

That your daughter was in detox for 6 nights, suggests she was more than dabbling in drugs and alcohol. She can authorize the facility to share information about her medical condition with you, that may give you better insight.

As Marle said, addiction is progressive and usually begins with alcohol abuse and goes from there. Social drinking means different things to different people. For some it means 2 drinks. For others it becomes the gateway to binge drinking and then drugs. It's all mood altering substance and self-medication, including social drinking, when you get right down to it.

She will make her own choices as to how to proceed, once she is released from rehab. Going into a Sober Living enviornment is a step in the right direction.

Spiritual Seeker

My area has Al-anon mtgs. just for parents that I have attended since I comprehended that my son was an alcoholic/addict 6 yrs. ago after his 1st semester at college. You can find mtg focus and times on the internet. Learning all you can about addiction and how to work a recovery program of your own through this type of program can be life-changing.

From my experience a rehab program of at least 90 days followed by sober living residence is the best option. My 24 yr old son went to two short term programs and quickly relapsed. Now he is at his 3rd treatment center which is a one yr. program just for 17 - 25 yr. old. He has been there for 10 mos.Then he will go to sober living for at
least 6 mos.
You are fortunate that your daughter asked for help.
Best wishes to your family as you all come to understand this progressive disease and work your way through recovery

greeteachday

My personal view (and that's all it is) is that the best support the family can provide is to not to treat this lightly. If she is scared enough to want help - to have actually been looking into somewhere to go for help, I think she has found her way out of denial and that is a good place to be. Although unfortunately our society condones the idea that drinking and drugging is a part of growing up; therefore making those who choose not to do so feel abnormal, the drugs (including alcohol) they play with are extremely powerful and getting sucked in and addicted is incredibly easy.
My daughter was young as well when she started dabbling in drugs. I remeber at 18 when she was arrested for posssession of some pot, thinking, at least it is just pot and all kids go through this. As her grades started dropping and as she lost interest in the academic side of college, I kept thinking - too much partying. By 19 someone introduced her to snorting heroin and within 5 months she too was begging for help. I didn't see it coming; I didn't realize the extent of my denial. It took me awhile even once she went to treatment to understand the nature of addiction. I thought that rehab was a cure-all...just did not comprehend the severety of this disease.
Coming here, going to Naranon and reading all I could about addiction helped me to understand what she was experiencing a bit more and also helped me to work on me. Her addiction brought me down quickly too - I was so focused on controlling it and her and her recovery.
I'm so sorry for what has brought you here - I remember the pain so well. But I am glad that you have found your way - It is a great first step. Hugs.

kathy306

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have lived through the nightmare of addiction before. My brother was an addict. He lived with my family off and on for yrs. Unfortunately, his addiction killed him. The reason I asked the question, I think is because she does not exhibit any of the signs that my brother did. I am just so terrified that I will have to live the life my mom did, in dealing with my brother. Of you that had children that went for treatment during their college yrs, did they go back to school? I am so worried about her future. Also, I am sure she will be staying longer than 30 days...how did everyone afford treatment? The cost of her ctr is $20,000 a month. I know this is an investment for her life, but wow

marle

My daughter finished 57 college credits but as her addiction progressed she quit going. I too was worried about my daughter's future at first. Later I was just grateful that she was alive. Addiction can help you to see what is really important in your life. When my daughter called last May saying she was ready for treatment all she had left in this world was a few clothes in a bag and lots of unpaid bills. It has been a really long journey but today she is working a program, working a job (did not work for almost 3 years), has her own apartment, a nice boyfriend and she is paying back her bills. She wants to return to college next fall but, whatever she does, I just take it one day at a time and am grateful that she is surviving. Only God knows what your daughter's future holds for her. As for rehab costs, my daughter had our insurance for her first one so it was totally paid for. The second time she had private insurance and we ended up spending about $12,000 to help her. The next time, if there is one, she will have to figure it out for herself and she knows that. One thing about addicts is that although they do share a lot of common characteristics, they are still individuals. My daughter has never stolen from us, gone to jail or gotten into any kind of trouble due to her addiction, but I totally know that she is an addict. The one thing that has always made me feel this way is that she was willing to lose everything and everyone who loved her in order to continue to use. Hugs, Marle

Spiritual Seeker

My son's program is $6500.00 a month

Hangin' In

$20,000 a month? Wow, that is quite a chunk.

Kathy, I think what you need to try and focus on at this point is the fact that your daugther is getting help for her addiction and that is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing. As you well know, this is a deadly disease and her recognizing she needs help is a big step toward her trying to save her life (although she probably doesn't realize all this right now).

My AD's using began in college and she ended up dropping out. She got into recovery, and I was hoping she'd get back in school. I was attending Al Anon regularly and my sponsor, who is a "double winner" (meaning she's both a member of AA with 23 yrs sober and a member of Al Anon with 21 years in that program) kept telling me, "Oh, she'll get back in school." I waited ... and waited ... and waited. She celebrated two years sober and I just knew she'd go back to school. Nope. She continued working her waitress job and went to meetings. I kept my mouth shut (as Al Anon and this board taught me to do ) and waited. At three years sober she said she thought she was ready to go back, but was scared. Again, I encouraged her to do whatever she thought was right for her life, but didn't offer to pay. She had thrown away about 3 yrs of us paying for college and we decided it was time for her to become responsible.

At three years sober she started the process of trying to get back into school. It was scary for her, but she did it all on her own. She obtained grant money, continued working full time and went back to school full time. I must admit I was scared that might be too much for her, but again, I "let go and let God" and let she and God figure it out together. Very easy to type, very hard to do.

Today she is 5 1/2 years sober, still working full time as a waitress and going to school full time. Her grades are excellent and her self esteem has grown by leaps and bounds because she's done it all on her own.

My point: Colleges will be open forever. Please try to give your daughter the time she needs to work on her addiction. The only way I learned how to do that was by getting some help for myself so I'd keep my mouth shut and quit trying to control my daughter's life. I did it by adding face to face Al Anon meetings to my life as well as reading and posting on this board. The support from people who were going through the same thing saved my life.

My prayers for you and your daughter.

Hugs,
Hangin' In
P.S. And regarding affording rehab at $20,000 a month, that just couldn't happen at our house. There are many other rehabs out there that cost much less than that. Remember, you aren't paying for a place for your daughter to have all the luxuries of life. You want to pay for a rehab that offers good, sound recovery.

Spiritual Seeker

College life is not the most conducive to sobriety.

I have learned to let my son's life progress at his pace.
Whether he ever returns to college or not is okay.

If he stays sober, he probably won't die.

sleepygoat

the fact that she herself thinks she has a serious proplem requiring treatment may indicate that she already has tried to stop on her own and was unable to.

We parents of addicts tend to have a great deal of denial. I now know that my AD was using since age 11, because she told me so. I had no idea whatsoever. It progressed all the way to crack and heroin (by age 17) before I had a clue!!! Now, being a recovering drug addict myself, I was SURE i would have recognized the signs in her, but I did not, until it was very, very advanced. Addicts are very skilled at covering up their drug use when they want it covered up. Moms are very "skilled" at denying their children't drug use. My own parents had no clue about me even when I was falling down right in front of them and had every classic sign.

So why not just speak with her the next time you are able to go to a visiting day at the treatment facility and find out what has really been going on with her, from her own perspective.

winnie12

What I found with my son is that for everything I knew he had done - there were 20 or 30 things that I didnt know. at this point I know far more than I need to and we have an agreement that he just doesnt need to tell me anymore. He has agreed that someday when he is an adult we'll sit down and he'll answer my questions. Denial is not just for the addict but is also something that affects us - it takes a while for it to sink in. We cant help but have those thoughts of "not my child" or "this isnt how i raised them" "maybe its not so bad." Sure there is that rare drug addict that can later on handle having a drink here or there but for now she needs to keep her head clear and get her strength back. Its too soon right now to even be thinking about what she can and cant handle.

The fact that she already knew where she wanted to go is a huge factor - why would she be thinking about rehabs unless she had a problem that she felt she could not control. Every person is different and everyone's behavior is going to be different. Just because she doesnt act like another addict you have known doesnt mean she isnt an addict - even if she feels like she is loosing control to drugs she needs the help. 20k is crazy expensive but i've seen costs like that for the nicer rehabs in my area - there are other options that are cheaper. I've never been able to afford the nice rehabs for my AS but did find lots of places that were charitable organizations or government funded. You could check out the database at the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) Website - they have a pretty extensive database.

Taking5

I would try to help her help herself, but you don't need to spend $20k on it! For her own safety she should probably have a medical detox - that's usually about 5 days. This is to make sure she doesn't die from withdrawals.

The treatment center is rehab. AA and NA are free, and I know lots of people who got better there, including one man who spent over $50k in rehab and still drank.

mooselips

We also found out our son was an addict while he was in college.
He just progressed to the point he could not function anymore.

He went to rehab.
He went to jail.

He went to lock down 6 month rehab.
(that one seems to have worked the trick so far)

The problem we had, was our son was charged with a felony for possession, it's terribly hard to find a job, let alone with a felony.

So, my advice, take it or leave it. If she is requesting help, help all you can.

There are other centers that cost a LOT less than that. Both of my sons went to free Rehabs.

Hugs.......

Maggiemac

Hi Kathy my son went to rehab 4 or 5 times when he worked his insurance paid for it. The other times it was free. It didn't help him for a long period of time because he went back to drugs. He died of a overdose on 11-19-08.
So don't put yourself in a hole paying for all this rehab. if you can have it for free.
Thinking of you and praying for you,
Maggiemac

kathy306

My husband and I went to Al-anon last night. I feel worse today than I have in a few weeks...since the week in detox. We will go for at least 6 visits. Are all the meetings run the same?

Hangin' In

All meetings should have similar characteristics...the welcome, the 12 steps and traditions are read, maybe the meeting is a step meeting or a topic meeting, etc.

You are VERY wise to give it 6 times. I know I went to Al Anon hoping they were going to tell me to go home and do A, B, and C and it would all get better. They never told me that because there really isn't an A, B & C to cure this disease. BUT...Al Anon has taught me so much about how to handle myself while living with the disease of addiction. I wouldn't take $1,000,000 for what I've learned in those meetings.

If you weren't happy with the meeting, you can always look for another one in your area. But I have to be honest and tell you I wasn't happy in Al Anon right off the bat either but that is because I wanted someone to give me a quick fix to the misery both I and my daughter were in. There are no quick fixes to this family disease. But there is a better way to live while dealing with it and that is what the 12 step program has taught me.

Just one of the nice things about the people in my meetings is that they understand my feelings...the fear, guilt, anger, sadness, etc. That is just one thing I really like about Al Anon. I am not alone walking this road.

I hope you'll hang in there with the meetings. I'm a mom, too, and I understand your feelings.

Hugs and prayers,
Hangin' In

outtolunch

A year ago, with my daughter in rehab, I was out of my mind and obsessed with her, with her drug of choice and with awfulizing the future. I was convinced that I could fix her and love her out of her drug problem. It was finding this message board/forum that saved my sanity.

I think each Alanon group has it's own personality and it's helpful to remember "take what you need and leave the rest".

I struggle with the concept of acoholism and addiction as disease and at the end of the day, accept that it's just a word for something that defies logic and meaning.

marle

I go to Al-anon because there are no Nar-anon meetings close to me. Most of the people there are dealing with alcoholism in a spouse. I go there to deal with my daughter's drug addiction. At first I was kind of worried about my shares, but I found that each time I went, I heard something that applied to my situation even though the share was about alcoholism. Give it a chance. The saying, "take what you like and leave the rest" is helpful when you are not sure about something that you hear. I know that until I was ready to hear the message, meetings probably would not have helped me. I did not start until after my daughter was in recovery because I found that is when I needed the face to face meetings the most. I needed to learn to stay on my side of the street and let her figure out her own life. I did not want to start trying to fix things for her again. I did not want to go back to that misery. I hope that you find what you need from the group. Hugs, Marle