howareyounow

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We have set up a visit at McDonalds today so AH can see the kids.
I'm scared, I dont know how he will 'be'.
He says he's on Methedone and feeling better. I hope I can stay strong and keep my resolve to get out of his life for good. I know he will say all the usual stuff...I'm getting better, I know I screwed up, I want to get better, lets no give up on us.....i was clean for 6 years...
I've packed a giant suitcase of his stuff to bring to him.
But as I read somewhere else. EVEN IF HE NEVER USED AGAIN, I DONT THINK I COULD STAY.
I just can not get over the things he did....I mean he stole my birhtday money (I was saving to get a gym membership). He sold his wedding ring,
My 2 c. diamond ring is 'missing'...he still has not addmitted that one yet.
(that ring was from A VERY CLOSE AUNT who had just died...!!!!!) he did drugs with baby, he wrote bad checks, he didnt pay the bills he said he did, leaving me seriously in trouble begging my family for help.
In any case my whole family knows now and would seriously HAVE A BIG problem if I took him back.

Has any one else out there dealt with an AH after a split?
How did go? did they get worse? How did it work with the kids?
I mean it's not like a boyfriend with no kids (you dont NEED see/talk to each other)
I'm going to get legal aid tomorow. ANy advise on how I should arrange access? do I test him before a visit?
how does that work?

I think I'm getting a glimmer of hope for me and my kids...I may actually be excited to build a new BETTER life without him...dare I hope....!

Taking5

I hear a lot of strength on your post. Keep doing the next right thing and you'll do fine for you and your kids.

outtolunch

His choices had the potential to put you and the babies in a shelter.

I tend to be practical. Now that he is on Methadone, is there any reason why he cannot get a job, now, and contribute to the well being of his children?

If he chooses to not become employed, let him beg his parents to help him meet his obligations.

In the meantime, do your best to keep your focus on you and the babies, not him and his addiction.

greeteachday

Good luck today...Just breathe and remember to keep in the moment. The future need not be decided today - focus on the visit and your thoughts of getting better for you and your kids. You do sound strong - I suspect everything will be just fine.

I found the more I focused on me and my own recovery, the more things fell into place in my life. I knew when the time was right to act, and when it was right to consider no action to be a decision.

Hugs - let us know how you made out.

hope213

you are doing good. i am the mom of an addict & can not answer your questions but i can tell you to stay safe. i am glad you are meeting in a public place . good luck with legal aid. they can answer alot of your question. prayers,

NeedingHelp7

I hope the visit goes well. One rule there....don't fight in front of the children, making it as peaceful as possible for the children sake.

NeedingHelp7

My AH has a past of heroine, crack, meth, etc. I didn't know him then, he was young, and on the streets of his birth place, Philly during the years of his heroine use. He contracted Hep C (but during our marriage he was healed of it). After his 2nd wife, 17 yrs ago, (I'm his 3rd wife), he became a substance abuse counselor, during one of his sober/recovery times. He has since lost that position due to too many relapses, and hospitalizations. He is now is on disability, and works 2 days a week. We have been married 7 yrs.

He was, so he said, clean for 6 yrs when he relapsed bad the first time. But during those 6 yrs he took pills (opiates), and benzos. Because they were/are precscribed to him, he lead me and others to believe it was okay he was taking them. I was so naive, even though I knew much about drugs, alcohol, recovery etc, I knew nothing of pill addiction. By the 3rd yr of our marriage he was acting wasted every day, then he relapsed on crack with a prostitute, and ended up with an STD from her. I did all to keep this marriage and family together EVEN AFTER ALL OF THAT!! He continued meetings, and still does. 1 1/2yrs later he did it again, did detox, suboxone (which he hated), and he was out after 3 weeks of that relapse . I then got into court for custody, child support, and supervised visitation. He still continues today with opiates (percocet) and thinks he okay.

AH has had supervised visits for the past 2 yrs, the last yr court ordered with me supervising. This past Nov (1 yr later of the supervised order) the judge ordered unsupervised visits for them, 7 hrs a week, even though he is still taking opiates for back pain. We are still not sure about benzos.

Your AH has to prove to you that he has been sober. He can do this by being periodically tested. It's best you take all of it into court, get custody set, child support, and visitation (whether that end up being supervised or not). Giving it at least a yr.

All you can do is have an attitude of PROTECTION AND PREVENTION for the children right now. Do everything you can to PROTECT them, and do everything you can to PREVENT more trauma on them. You also have to protect you and your home. Do not let him in your home if he is a thief. It's best to keep all visits in public. The library, McDonalds, a park, etc...

Do not leave your purse for a minute around him. Keep your cell phone on you at all times, having an emergency # to call if needed.

And....DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM, he may be carrying an STD, you just don't know unless he is tested.

It's a long road. And if it comes to him having to have supervised visits long term, it would be better that you find someone else in the family or a friend to supervise visits You will do better to do it that way. In our case we had no one else, and the law guardian believed it would be traumatic to have a county hired professional superviser do it. We were really hoping it would be a temporary thing. (He wanted to see his father, and we didn't want to upset family routine. He was so used to mom and dad being with him together.) A friend who had committed to do one visit a wk only showed 6 times during the whole year, so I took up the slack and supervised those too, this putting added pain on me. Because during this time he was with other women, he disturbed visits, and continued playing back and forth games with opiates (although prescribed)!! He is a NA.

Naranon, Alanon, Celebrate Recovery and SR groups are a great place to start recovery for yourself.

Hoping the best for you all, let us know how the visit goes.

NH7