Language of Letting Go - Jan. 4 - Separating from Family Issues

Old 01-04-2009, 05:44 AM
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Ann
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Language of Letting Go - Jan. 4 - Separating from Family Issues

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Separating from Family Issues


We can draw a healthy line, a healthy boundary, between our nuclear family and ourselves. We can separate ourselves from their issues.

Some of us may have family members who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs and who are not in recovery from their addiction.

Some of us may have family members who have unresolved codependency issues. Family members may be addicted to misery, pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization. We may have family members who have unresolved abuse issues or unresolved family of origin issues.

We may have family members who are addicted to work, eating, or sex. Our family may be completely enmeshed, or we may have a disconnected family in which the members have little contact.

We may be like our family. We may love our family. But we are separate human beings with individual rights and issues. One of our primary rights is to begin feeling better and recovering, whether or not others in the family choose to do the same.

We do not have to feel guilty about finding happiness and a life that works. And we do not have to take on our family's issues as our own to be loyal and to show we love them.

Often when we begin taking care of ourselves, family members will reverberate with overt and covert attempts to pull us back into the old system and roles. We do not have to go. Their attempts to pull us back are their issues. Taking care of ourselves and becoming healthy and happy does not mean we do not love them. It means we're addressing our issues.

We do not have to judge them because they have issues; nor do we have to allow them to do anything they would like to us just because they are family.

We are free now, free to take care of ourselves with family members. Our freedom starts when we stop denying then issues, and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them - where it belongs - and deal with our own issues.

Today, I will separate myself from family members, lama separate human being, even though I belong to a unit called a family. I have a right to my own issues and growth; my family members have a right to their issues and a right to choose where and when they will deal with these issues. I can learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues. I am willing to work through all necessary feelings in order to accomplish this.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
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Old 01-04-2009, 05:47 AM
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Our freedom starts when we stop denying them issues, and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them - where it belongs - and deal with our own issues.
How hard this was to do at Christmas when I was struggling to NOT take ownership of other family members issues.

And what a relief it was when I finally remembered to let go.

I travel light these days, as excess baggage has always worn me down.

Hugs
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Old 01-04-2009, 05:54 AM
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Love this, Ann, thank you...
I have been aware lately of the last vestiges of what I call 'filtering myself' with those important to me...
Having the courage to walk in truth...
owning my fear about handing their stuff back and risking loss...and doing it anyway....
the cost of freedom ...
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Old 01-04-2009, 06:22 AM
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i was a baby step worker when i joined s.r. today i have accomplished a happy life for myself. i learned to let go & let God & my life is fuller & happier. i learned to live by the steps. there are still times i have a hard day but i get out my tool belt & let it go.
thanks for this post.
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Old 01-04-2009, 07:29 AM
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Ann
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Originally Posted by grateful2b View Post
Having the courage to walk in truth...
owning my fear about handing their stuff back and risking loss...and doing it anyway....
the cost of freedom ...
Wow, those words should be framed and hung in the SR Recovery Hall of Fame. Thank you for the huge inspiration today, grateful2b.
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Old 01-04-2009, 07:32 AM
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Thanks, Ann...that means a lot... hugs, Grateful
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Old 01-04-2009, 05:21 PM
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Thank you for reminding me that I don't need to feel guilty because I am unwilling to be drawn into family drama.
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Old 01-04-2009, 07:59 PM
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My cousin told me the other day how draining it was to listen to my sister ranting about her life. I said that is why I'm so glad to no longer be a part of it. I haven't spoken to my sister in almost three years.

Most people who know about our family situation have a hard time understanding anger is not the issue, serenity is. It is because of my daughter's addiction I was finally able to detach from the family drama with compassion. Like I read here the other day, "I love her too much to fight with her."

Thank you SR for helping me find the way towards a healthier life.
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Old 01-05-2009, 11:44 AM
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This has been a big issue for me in the last year. I was finally free of exah and his addictions and drama; my kids and I were finally tasting what a healthy relationship feels like, one without lies and control and manipulations.

And then all of a sudden I ran smack into learning to get free from my mother and sister's stuff. It's not that I didn't know it was there, it was just that I never even considered that I COULD.

Since I was a very small child it has been a 'given' that I am responsible to do what they want. "Don't upset mom, she worries...don't make dad angry, he rages...don't cross your sister, she rages worse than dad..." (Which btw played no small part in my turning into a raging codependent with my ex and my kids...)

It's something I still deal with-the uneasiness when I don't do what they want, but I am learning. Like talk on the phone every single night. It seems trivial, but my mom calls me every night and it's always after 9pm. Even though I have told her not to call that late, and if I don't answer she ALWAYS leaves a message. Says she is 'worried' about me.

So lately I have just stopped answering, and stopped returning the calls until I have a free minute and feel like it. My sister is upset-says mom 'needs' so hear my voice every night so she won't be worried. Balderdash!!!

Anyhow, thanks for posting this. It's good reminder. I had started setting these boundaries before the holidays and they got a bit fuzzy...it's easy to fall back into old patterns...
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