mommyof2

Well, this is my first post. I've been here reading for a while and finding comfort in others words. This is my story. My A and I married almost 4 yrs ago. We met in college and married sooner than expected based on the news of our little one on the way. Boy was that stressful, did not go over well with my parents...that's neither here nor there..everything is fine now. But, I say all this to lay the foundation of the relationship and the stress that has occured since day 1. My A comes from a family eaten up with this disease. He always assured me that if he ever had a problem he would seek help because his father drank himself to death and died when he was in the 11th grade. He and his mother had zero counseling and he is the typical child of an A..he somewhat blames his Mom but of course loved the A with all his heart. (one of my fears with my children) I do not understand that at all?? So he has walked in my shoes, he has begged his father to stop drinking with no resolve. Now, 8 years later he is well on his way to path his father took. But, I will not make the mistake his mother did, I will not have to "make amends" to them for having them live through the arguements and rage that he grew up with. My children are so special and unique in their own way and I will not be responsible for breaking their spirit. So, I am definately in the in-between. Do I stay, Do I go. My fear is the being alone. My husband loves me with all of his heart, and my son (3) idealizes him, which is scary. He (husband) has always felt that I do not love him, like one foot has always been out the door. He may be right, but that is not what I want. I want a sober, stable husband. I do love him, but his binges shake and turn my world upside down. Is anyone familiar with a Binger? He of course quacks about going to AA and cleaning up and the next thing I know he's not where he is supposed to be and he smells like pot. Or since he is in Outside sales, he makes a pit stop at a liquor store and gets a beer or two.This is where the spiral down begins and its within weeks a total disaster. The last binge was only Memorial Day weekend on a trip for the kids to St.Louis. It ended with a broken friendship (neighbors that took their kids,too) b/c he decided to bring his drug of choice along...pills. That's when all hell breaks lose, he almost gets arrested and tried to choke the neighbor(his good friend) in the elevator. Needless to say, I beg the police not to take him and they didn't and we quietly left the next morning. He always breaks down the morning after and swears it will never happen again. And the pills have not made it back into the picture yet. But the smoke and beer are occasionally coming back he thinks he can control it (smile). I feel the spriral coming. So, I feel the hopeless feelings and the bitterness and negative attitude in myself controling me when he is in my presence. I feel like if I am nice than I am sweeping it under the rug. I have told him I am working on myself and I cannot worry about him,( i'm working the program).Now, he thinks I am waiting for "the big job" and I am out the door. Who knows what the future holds, I just wish he would follow in my footsteps and better himself. Maybe I should try encouragement instead of constantly pointing out his faults and short comings. I guess it is the last 2 years of his constant lies and binges that has left me bitter.He has so much to lose, a great career, 2 beautiful kids, and he just lies so he won't get caught which is the whole trust issue not knowing what is real and not real...what a life?

NoDoubt

It's so tough when they don't see what they are doing! My husband, who is in recovery (4 months), now looks back and tells me that he sees what he was doing.

He too felt that I did not love him. He would come home, walk around as though he didn't belong and proceed to tell me that he felt as though he was an 'outsider' to myself and our 2 children. Well, recently I spoke to him about that. He told me that he now realizes that HE was doing it. We weren't.

I wish we could just blink our eyes and make our alcoholic husbands/wives/children/friends.... WAKE UP! Unfortunately, it's like everyone has said many times.... We can't change them. They have to want to change.

Keep reading the posts. THere are many people here that you can come to for help and some sanity. IT has really helped me!

NoDoubt

jessieandme2003

This is the first I read someone mention the 'outsider' feeling. When my husband first moved back in and was sober, he spent those three days walking around and feeling like an 'outsider' in mine and my daughters house. Thats what he said. Yet it was our house, we picked it out together after being married and everything in it we planned together. I didn't understand what he meant.
He did seem lost, not able to get comfortable, kept walking around, looking at the gardens and thinking fo things to do.
Now that he is working his own recovery he very much is able to see how he was treating us. Something he just couldn't see when he was drinking.
I guess I am still amazed everytime I read something here that so closely matches an experience of my own.

JT

I know this is not what you want to hear but since,as we all know, we can't change them...get your mind off him and on you and your children. He is an adult...he can screw his life up if he wants and it is up to you how far you want to stay on that path with him. I have never been one to not say what I think...I did have to learn ,tho, not to expect someone else to hop-to just because I want them to.

I think it would be wise for you to give some thought to what you really want. I don't mean "peace and happiness"...I mean stuff like a steady income, honesty, etc and then see how much you already have. Will you live without the rest? Can you compromise? Do you want to live this way 10 years from now? Five years? How much time are willing to give it? And how would you leave if you decided to? We often recommend a plan of some sort...

So...take some time to be clear about where you are, where you want to be and how you plan to get there.

Hugs,
JT

mommyof2

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice. I did not realize how much I was rambling in my post. I am suprised anyone could follow what I was trying to say...

I am the captain of my own ship. As is he, I can only hope for the best an prepare for the worst. I will make sure all my bases are covered if I choose to leave. For now, I will cont. to work on myself. What keeps me there? Well, the hope of a recovered A. Breaking the cycle..showing my children what soberiety is, teaching them problem solving skills, and unconditional love. These are the things I want for my family, I guess when I am left without a glimmer of hope and find that I am bringing about more harm than good to them is when I will wave the white flag and say that's it, I gave it my all and I deserve more and my children deserve more.

Today my husband is sober, one day at a time....

Thank you everyone!!!

Mommy of 2