hopeangel

well, i called the apartment complex i am looking to move into, not expecting to get an apartment, but at least to be put on the waiting list because it can be hard to get an apartment there.

i called and the first time i was told i was on the waiting list but they didn't have any 1 bedrooms at the time. i called back and asked about 2 bedrooms also and was put on the list for that.

so, i then resided myself to the fact that i was staying put where i'm at and was okay with that. AH was nice this morning even though he drank last night and was charming (of course, it is like they have a sick sense when something is going on...grrr) i was reminded of the things i love about him. also, he stated again that he was going to set up marriage counseling with the pastor at the church he has been going to.

wouldn't you know, then my phone rang. message to call the apartment complex... i called, it was the very same woman i talked to before that had went out of her way and pulled strings so i could move in then months ago if i wanted. she said she had remembered me and our conversation adn that she could get me into a two bedroom now. it is more money, but i would have a place to store my stuff. i have absolutely no idea how i will manage to pay for it and morgage while the house is not sold and i still cannot see myself taking the furniture out of the house, it still seems so cold to me.

and, God forbid, what if i leave and the worst happens and somehow he does kill himself? how do i live with that? how do i live with the guilt if he gets worse and gets really sick or kills himself drinking and driving..anything - i just feel like i need to make sure he is okay all the time and protect him. i really struggle with abandoning him. i really do.

soo,,, i told her i would come look tomorrow. i just don't know if i can actually go through with signing the lease.

AH is drinking again tonight. i did not tell him i was looking at the place tomorrow, but i did ask him if he knew i was going to move out if he would stop. he asked no, how many times have you told me you would move out and you can't afford to do it anyway.

i really don't know if i'm ready or not. part of me thinks i am and part thinks i'm not. part of me thinks i have to and it is a really good idea...the other part thinks no, now you have to give this counseling a try. you owe it to him.

so, don't know what tomorrow will bring, except, that i will really be disappointed and defeated again, if, once again, i don't have the courage to do it.

Bjen

You have the courage. You don't owe him anything either. He is drinking. He thinks he has you trapped.

Think of the lady at the apt as your angel. She is there to help you. Don't worry about the money and a mortgage. GO!! Jump! The net will be there!! Don't be scared.


You know you'll be mad at yourself if you don't.

Tally

From him saying "how many times have you said you would leave and you can't afford it anyway" shows he has no belief that you will leave him and that he can behave as he likes because you've threatened to leave before and haven't.
You worry about abandoning him...has he not abandoned you? Does he worry worry about you and how you feel?
So if you're worrying about him, and he's worrying about him, who's worrying about you and looking after you?

He was nice and he was charming but he was still drinking, actions speak louder than words.

You have chance two tomorrow, but if it falls through or you can't go through with it don't beat yourself up, you will do it when you are ready and when you do have the courage, baby steps.

Barbara52

Sometimes God works very directly through other people. Don't dismiss the possibility that God is trying to show you the path He wants you to take. I know that is what happened when I decided to leave xAH because everything fell into place with help from lots of unexpected people.

Yup, leaving tose codie thoughts behind is not going to be easy. But you do know that he will do what he will do regardless of what you do. What if you stay and he does those things? What if you stay and he dies? Will that make it any better? Will that make those events any less than his choice?

You can find the courage to act in your own best interest. I KNOW this!

GiveLove

hopeangel,

I wish you well with your challenge tomorrow. If you find it hard, you might want to read this post by one of our friends here on SR:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2042407

She wants to be happy again. Lots of good advice out there on how she can get there.

Hugs,
GL

Spiritual Seeker

Get your ducks in a row. Make a plan for yourself. Inch toward what you think will bring you joy. Get your finances in order. Put your house on the market, etc.

Move toward what will bring your joy and the life you want.
Set your intention and move in that direction.

Perhaps If you have a plan with a timeline, the courage will follow.

You can change now. Your husband will change when he is ready, or not.

prodigal

Why disappointed and defeated? If you're not ready, then you're not ready. That's no reason to feel as if you're defeated.

You'll decide when you're ready. In the meantime, I hope you have a peaceful, serene and very happy new year's. I know you can do it.

embraced2000

hope, i wish you serenity in the decision you have to make tomorrow. whatever choice you make, will be the right decision for you at the moment.

good luck
jeri

TakingCharge999

Hi hopeangel
Please let us know how you are doing. I hope God sends you enough clarity to decide what is best. I will be thinking of you.

nordicwalker

Good luck with your decision making hopeangel, run with it ,sounds like something has to "give" or "change" somewhere! We are all here for you!
N.Walker

Seren

hopeangel....please don't worry about him killing himself, because that is his choice and his control, not yours. He's killing himself while you are there by drinking anyway, and you can't control that either.

If you talk to the landlord, you could move into the two bedroom until a one bedroom became available. The landlords are usually willing to work with you on things like that.

Hugs,
HG

hopeangel

i didn't go look at the apartment yesterday because the landlord called and canceled because she had something she needed to do. so i am to go this afternoon.

i spent the morning yesterday making my lists of the positives and negatives and going over my budget.

i really got some clarity doing this and it is not as scary as it was. i really think i could make it. i realized the the money wasn't so much of the problem, it was my fear and willingness to do it. but, i do have a much better attitude about it now.

AH did make an appiontment to see the pastor at the church and i told him i would go. i took the day off work to go with him there and then i have individual counseling tonight.

so, my plan is to talk to the pastor today, see what he has to say and make a decision from there.

the positive and negative list was enlightening. i'll share it with you later.

please send prayers to me at this time that i do the right thing. THANK YOU !!!

Lilyflower

No saying you can't do counselling if you did move out. Space from him would give you clarity and perspective, a sanctuary that is yours whilst you decide what another step may be. Small steps forward. Most beneficial advice given to me here by my good friends is that you don't need to decide it all today, like driving through the fog in Melody Beattie's book, baby steps.

Good luck

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

GiveLove

hopeangel, please bear two things in mind if you're going to base your future on what your pastor says:

1) your pastor's job is to keep your marriage together (whether or not it is damaging to you)

2) your pastor will know only what your husband chooses to tell him. He will likely leave out the parts about urinating in the bed, mistreating your pets, and blackmailing you into having sex with him, among others.

Add what your pastor has to say to the soup of thoughts you are already carrying, but I certainly would not take it as gospel (no pun intended)

You deserve to be happy.

LaTeeDa

All the things I'm going to say have either been said already in this thread, or before on other threads. So, I know you know all this, but I will say it anyway. Maybe somebody out there reading this will get something from it.

He's already gotten worse, and you have been there. Did being there prevent it? What if you stay and he gets really sick or kills himself (or you). I think you are giving yourself way too much credit. He will do what he will do--no matter where you are physically located.


Threats of leaving never worked in my case either. In fact, all my threatening did was make him cockier about his drinking. He knew he could do whatever he wanted and I wouldn't leave because I didn't have the courage. Knowing that, why should he change anything? He's got you just where he wants you and knows you aren't going anywhere, so not much incentive to change.


It doesn't seem like you are ready. If you were, you would not attempt to connect counseling to staying when they are clearly two separate things. Counseling can happen whether you stay or go, that is just an excuse. So is "owing" him something.

I also agree with GL about the pastor. You've already given away your power to your husband, now you want to hand it over to the pastor? It may be easier to let other people decide how you should live your life, but I can tell you from experience, it will not make you happy.

Good luck hope,

L