lolobug3

How many times will it take to just make him leave for good. Each time I have told myself "the next time he goes to a bar and drinks, he is kicked out for good". But it just doesn't happen that way. He gets mad at me, I get mad at him. He starts telling me how sorry he is and that he will try again. And there he is-back in the house again. I feel so crappy because I broke another promise to myself. I feel weak and just stupid. I cry because he comes back because I let myself down again. I can't get close to him because I don't trust that he won't hurt me again. I tell myself again that the very next time it happens, that will be the last time and I will leave him forever. I don't even trust myself anymore. I told him I cheated on him so that maybe he would stay gone - I couldn't continue to lie and I told him I was lying so he would stay gone this time. He just said he was sorry and wanted to make up with me. He will never learn because I am not giving him the chance to learn. Uggghhhh!!! I have too much on my mind. He was dry for about 3 months. Says it relieves his tension. That's nice - even though it wrecks his entire family. And teaches our daughter bad relationship habits.

I really am telling myself that the next time he does this I will know what is more important to him and I will kick his butt out for good. I hope I really will because I just know it is going to happen again. It is just a matter of time. I wish I could trust myself or him or somebody! I am at a loss today........Thanks Lolobug

smoke gets in my eyes

Well Lolobug...

I can tell you what my hunch is....

Maybe in the back of your mind when you're telling him/telling yourself that THIS time you mean it, what you're also thinking is that THIS time it will make him straighten up, THIS time he'll believe you and THIS time you won't have to follow through. If you've got that nagging little voice telling you he might save you from this terrible doom you've pronounced upon yourself (leaving), then you really might not be ready for that step. And making the same threat over and over just teaches him that you don't mean what you say. So consider not saying it. When it's the last straw... leave. He's had plenty of warnings. But not until you're really ready. Don't do it because you want to teach him a lesson... do it when you want to go.

Hugs,
Smoke

LettingGo

I agree with Smoke. I did that to myself for a long time and it is so self defeating. You fail yourself over and over. The fact is, I left when I was ready, and believe me, you will know it. I had a strength within I had never had and I JUST KNEW it was the last time, and it was. I used to beat myself up because I knew I should leave, No one in their right mind would stay here, no one else would forgive that much crap etc.... I know right where you are and my advice is give yourself a break. You dont have to make any decision right away. Not now, not today, tomorrow or anytime ever for that matter. What you should decide is that you want a better life for yourself either with or without your husband. You can do this once you have the tools. I swear Alanon saved my life. I was a mental basket case over exactly the same things as you. I too considered telling my AH that I cheated. I found the most peace when I got the tools I needed to live MY life and I found that in Alanon. You might already go, I dont know, but you are killing yourself slowly with the way you are living right now. I know that sounds so dramatic a statement, but I think it is true, at least if you are anything like I was and it sounds like you are. Peace be with you my friend!

LG

Sarah2003

I believe that smoke is right on target. You want to believe in your heart and soul that this time he is truly remorseful, and will never, ever do it again.

lolobug~~~You are also right on target. I did the same thing for years and years. Actually, it took me two decades to say it, mean it and kick him out. It was no longer about trusting or not trusting AH, it ME that I could not trust, or forgive. I was much more angry with myself, and my actions than I at him.

Al-Anon is a fabulous support for me. I gained so much knowledge and understanding, and AWARENESS of my actions. When I began to focus on ME and my actions, I felt stronger, healthier, less out of control.

I gave an ultimatum six months ago~~~~after an alcoholic incident involving strippers and lap dances, etc, he promised to get help, go to meetings, go to counseling for other issues. Two weeks later, he got drunk, hit a car, fled from the scene and later turned himself in. I was out of town on a business trip, when he promised me that he would not drink. I had boarded the plane only two hours before this occured. I thank God every day that none of our three children were in the car with him, and that no one in the other car was hurt. (I'm still mad that he was driving MY car, and wrecked My car...not his.....lol)

But that was it for me. My bottom. I realized that I needed to make a drastic change in MY life. I had always thought, even with years of Al-Anon and counseling under my belt, that if I loved him enough, he would stop.

He's been sober and in active recovery since the day I kicked him out. I'm giving myself the gift of time. I need to see sustained change over a long period of time before I will consider him moving back into our home.

Be patient with yourself, lolobug. Remember, alcoholism is a progressive FAMILY illness.

Thoughts and prayers are with you,

S

prettywoman

Please don;t be so hard on yourself. I canunderstand how you feel sweetie. It is never easy. Just take care of yourself and love yourself. When you really ready everything will fall into its place trust me.
Much Love

ladydy

Hi Lolobug ~ I'm new on here today but your story sounds the same as mine but that was many years ago and today I am STILL here and wishing the same thing. I have never had the courage to make a final spit with the AH. I have left many times but when he comes back pleading and begging I give in because I don't have the strength to fight it. I don't love him any more but after 30 years I still can't leave him either. Things are getting worse and life is getting more tense. You sound like you are young with a small child ~ I wish you strength more than I had!

EyesOpen

Smoke - you really hit the nail on the head. We suffer from indecision because we sometimes aren't ready to be honest with ourselves.

We all go through the "I love the A, but hate the alcohol" and then wish there was some option that would allow us to keep one and loose the other.

But, there isn't.

It is a hard pill to swallow, to finally accept that fact. It hurts. It sometimes takes years to finally make peace with it. However, once we finally do make peace, we can start taking responsibility for our lives/future/happiness and stop complaining how other people don't live up to their promises and our expectations.

lolobug3

I can't thank you all enough. All your posts made me cry. Okay - one day at a time and things will fall into place. Don't push it and don't be so hard on myself. I will really try to do these things. Thanks so much.........Lolobug