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First Time Here - or Anywhere....

Old 01-03-2009, 07:40 AM
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Unhappy First Time Here - or Anywhere....

Hi everyone.

I'm glad to be here, I think. After reading some of the posts, I feel like it may be the right place....??...

I'm 41, married, three kids. I consider myself one of the most fortunate people I know. I have a wonderful husband, and wonderful, beautiful and good children. I like to drink, mostly out of boredom. Vodka is my choice, but lots and lots of wine will do too. How does one so fortunate as myself get bored? That's the part I don't understand. It's selfish and shameful.

I typically always drink at home. Most often I get loud, ridiculous and often times very mean. I made my 18-year-old son cry on New Year's Eve and I don't even know why. My 9-year-old just thinks I'm "fun."

I find it hard to clean my house without having cocktails - lots of them. I find it hard to even be motivated to do anything without having cocktails, that includes cooking dinner, talking on the phone, etc. I feel this way six out of seven evenings when I come home from work.

90% of the time I feel ashamed the next morning. The feelings of guilt are sometimes so bad that I can barely function. Each day I tell myself "I'm not doing that again", but I always, always, always do.

The last time I drank was New Year's Eve and I made a complete ass out of myself - in front of my children too. My husband is disgusted with me and has barely spoken to me since then.

Anyway, that's me. Thanks for reading.
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Old 01-03-2009, 07:49 AM
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Welcome to SR! You are in the right place. I can relate to a lot of what you say, especially the guilt and shame. It's so common.

The great news is that you don't have to keep drinking. Does your doctor know how much you drink? Have you checked out AA? Keep reading and keep posting, ok?
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Old 01-03-2009, 08:04 AM
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You are in the right place for sure! I drank much like you.. I thought I needed a drink to function, or to have more "fun" cooking, talking on the phone, etc. My embarrassing times and my guilt and shame were never deterrant enough, as I'm just not stronger than the addiction. Once I surrendered to that fact, I got angry at it, and haven't drank since. Well, that and I also knew I'd lose my job, my husband, and my strength as a person.. not to mention my life. I don't wanna do that!

So here we are.. and we are all here for you.
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Old 01-03-2009, 08:13 AM
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I agree that an honest talk with your doctor is a good idea. I too did horribly mean things while drinking and hated myself for what I'd become - a nasty drunk. Do seek medical help to detox as withdrawing from alcohol can be dangerous. Best wishes to you in getting sober. We'll do whatever we can to help you.
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Old 01-03-2009, 08:16 AM
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Originally Posted by blue789 View Post

How does one so fortunate as myself get bored? That's the part I don't understand. It's selfish and shameful.

I typically always drink at home.

I find it hard to even be motivated to do anything without having cocktails, that includes cooking dinner, talking on the phone, etc.
Hi, I'm 51, 4 amazing kids and a beautiful wife who is my soulmate and I hers. I am a very fortunate man, how could I become an alcoholic with the ideal life?... I know exactly where you're coming from.

SHAME - Big problem with me in my earliest days of being clean and sober. Really messed my head up. Get rid of it. It serves no useful purpose. Get sober and be kind to yourself. You have 3 kids who you love very much and you are taking steps to let them back in your life and yours into theirs. Be proud of the hard work you'll do to leave the alcohol behind you.

You may never understand why alcohol became so central and necessary in your life, I haven't. I am only 3 and 3/4 months sober, so maybe it'll come to me, but I quit trying to understand why. Just trying to understand how, how to be sober and happy. And how to lose my shame.

Please consider a support group like AA. The fellowship of others who are going through the same things will help you greatly. Read alot about recovery, and of course, keep coming back!

Above all, do this for you, not your husband or kids. I have to do this for me, because without my sobriety, I may lose it all.

Mark
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Old 01-03-2009, 08:17 AM
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Welcome! I am new too and relate to your post very much. Just know that you are in the right place now. It is always hard to take the first step but you are here now.

I too had my last drink on New Year's Eve. I struggle with a lot of the same things.
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Old 01-03-2009, 08:24 AM
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Thank you SO much to everyone here. I feel fortunate to have found this site. It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone. I know I can't undo everything I've done, but I can start over. Everyone gets another chance, right? I deserve one too, and so does my family..... So does everyone here. Thanks again.
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Old 01-03-2009, 08:29 AM
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Welcome blue, there is a lot of great people with good information. It's amazing how many stories sound just like something we all have been through. Good choice.
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Old 01-03-2009, 08:41 AM
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Hi Blue..Glad you are here..You'd be sirprised how many people can really relate to that.
Even ones like me who got high for the same exact reasons. No reason at all..Just did, and have alot to be thankful for.
I agree with cubile in saying we may never understand why.
But we can always change the path we take without knowing why.

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Old 01-03-2009, 10:27 AM
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Blue789,

We could simply change names, our stories are so similar. Wine and vodka were my favorites. And once I had had a few, I could be nasty or mushy. No way to predict.

The mundane tasks of life, like laundry and cleaning, always seemed so much more enjoyibe with a drink. And a glass of wine while making dinner was a must. But that of course would start the endless cycle of having too much followed by guilt, shame and promises to myself not to overdo it again. I was convinced that it would be fine, as long as I just got a little tipsy, not drunk. And lots of times I was able to achieve that. The only problem, I could never predict when I would not be able to stop. When I would go overboard. This was maybe one of the hardest things for me to mentally accept -- that this battle of controlling alcohol was pointless. It wasn't fun, and my failures caused so much pain to my family.

When I first stopped drinking, I thought all of this housework and chores would be dreary without a drink. But I discovered the magic of living to experience the joy of the moment. Being there, instead of being mentally zombied by alcohol was and is a wonderful experience. And a happy family is a real bonus.

I encourage you to give it a real try. You can do this!
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Old 01-03-2009, 10:54 AM
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welcome blue, glad that you are here.
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Old 01-03-2009, 12:56 PM
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Maybe you need to find some new activities to help with your boredom. I bet you are very fortunate to have a wonderful family, but people get bored if they are constantly in what seems to be the same routine day after day. Also some people just like to be naturally more active and involved with things than others do. Because you get bored doesn't mean you're not happy with your family or feel fortunate to have them and spend time with them. Maybe just try and pick up a few new things here and there to mix it up a little.
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Old 01-03-2009, 01:27 PM
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I can so relate to the housework thing and using the phone. I seemed to have reached the next level and the housework didn't get done, I had never lived in such an un organised mess. I just couldn't figure out how to organise myself to get anything done. I would fill the washing machine and walk off in the middle of that job to start another and nothing got done. I then stopped answering the phone drinking or not.

You will get so much help here, welcome :ghug
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Old 01-03-2009, 05:38 PM
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I'm right there with ya

I am so thankful I found this website. 10 days now for me. I too am sick of the shame, embarrassment, and pain that I have caused my family and myself. My moment was Xmas Eve...I had the day off, and started drinking in the morning. This was the first year we drew names for Xmas so everyone would get 2 presents but I didn't even wrap my son's gift so when I had all ready passed out before dinner--he had only one present to open. The next day he didn't want to talk-understandably--and said "you obviously had something more important to do"...That was it. He asked me if I initended to continue doing this every holiday when all of us get together...So here I am. I'm the one who used to cherish our family gatherings and wanted to make them special...The last year or so if I didn't pass out I couldn't remember any conversations.. So, I knew in my heart for some time its time to admit the problem and do something about it. So let's take one step at a time and get our lives back. God bless and take care.
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Old 01-03-2009, 05:44 PM
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Me too

I'm a bit blue myself, and I also made an ass of myself on New Year's Eve (nothing new sadly). Today is also my first day on this site and I'm enjoying reading other people's stories if for nothing else to help me become aware that I'm (and you) aren't alone.

Originally Posted by blue789 View Post
Hi everyone.

I'm glad to be here, I think. After reading some of the posts, I feel like it may be the right place....??...

I'm 41, married, three kids. I consider myself one of the most fortunate people I know. I have a wonderful husband, and wonderful, beautiful and good children. I like to drink, mostly out of boredom. Vodka is my choice, but lots and lots of wine will do too. How does one so fortunate as myself get bored? That's the part I don't understand. It's selfish and shameful.

I typically always drink at home. Most often I get loud, ridiculous and often times very mean. I made my 18-year-old son cry on New Year's Eve and I don't even know why. My 9-year-old just thinks I'm "fun."

I find it hard to clean my house without having cocktails - lots of them. I find it hard to even be motivated to do anything without having cocktails, that includes cooking dinner, talking on the phone, etc. I feel this way six out of seven evenings when I come home from work.

90% of the time I feel ashamed the next morning. The feelings of guilt are sometimes so bad that I can barely function. Each day I tell myself "I'm not doing that again", but I always, always, always do.

The last time I drank was New Year's Eve and I made a complete ass out of myself - in front of my children too. My husband is disgusted with me and has barely spoken to me since then.

Anyway, that's me. Thanks for reading.
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Old 01-03-2009, 06:08 PM
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Originally Posted by blue789 View Post
I like to drink, mostly out of boredom. Vodka is my choice, but lots and lots of wine will do too. How does one so fortunate as myself get bored? That's the part I don't understand. It's selfish and shameful.
.
I don't think it is boredom, I think you just described alcohol addiction. Shame is the reward we get.

Hi blue and welcome to the SR family!

You've described a lot of us here at SR.

Drinking started out as a little pick me up, a socially correct thing to do and given time, it escalates for some of us to addiction. We thought it was just the elevated senses that got us drinking daily, but once our bodies become dependent on alcohol, we're hooked.

The good news is that there is hope. You too can spend today and everyday sober! We're here to help you.

I tried many times to control my drinking. It always controlled me in the end. I knew I needed to quit, but I kept justifying one more social drink (go home and drink a bottle of wine later) or after a few weeks sober I would reward myself with an evening out. I finally found a post on this website that spelled out how my entire body was addicted to alcohol and each drink was keeping me chained to the bottle.

This is the link to excerpts from the book "Under the Influence"

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

After reading that book, I was able to get my head and my heart (intentions) on the same page. I can not control my drinking. I am an alcoholic. Now I have the internal peace to overcome the addiction.

Keep posting and reading. Make yourself at home
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